Phoenix
Thank you everyone for putting up with my ranting and mood swings. Thank you for tacklehugs and notes of affection. Thank you for understanding or at least sympathizing. Thank you for reading my most private hopes and especially the fears and being there... just being there even if you don't know what to say.
I feel like I have been fighting some weird internal battle. A battle with ninjas that spring from the dark and catch me unawares. My past and it's shadows. I had an 'argument' with Bowdyn a few days ago. I told him I despise it when people use their past as an excuse for bad behavior. That is true... but I didn't really get a chance to go deeper into that due to the tension that was boiling under the surface of the conversation. Everyone IS effected by their past. I am a firm believer of delving into it as deeply as you can, to making yourself look at your nightmares and fears, understanding them and facing them head on. I do not mean to deny them and their effects, that are very real and most often long-lasting. What I meant is that you have to own them, make them yours, and then STRIVE to beat them, to make yourself MORE than them. Everything about me is all fight and passion I guess. Sometimes I think it is the only thing that has kept me alive up to this point.
I feel that I am reaching some sort of breaking point. I am skirting around the edges of a very very long fall, or standing at the foot of a very very tall mountain. Either way the prospect of taking a step is daunting. I am filled with energy and don't know where to send it. I am restless... irritable, hard to get along with and emotional. I could chalk it all up to hormones and diet, but I truly feel there is something much deeper than that. I am perched, waiting to fly or fall. A Phoenix once again. I guess something could be said for the fact that this seems to happen on a yearly basis. Every summer I reach a high/low and am reborn, stronger. All the better for it, I think. I guess it is hard to say for sure. Next month I make my divorce final. I end one cycle and start another.
I just wanted to let you know, friend or foe, that I needed you to find my way.
I feel like I have been fighting some weird internal battle. A battle with ninjas that spring from the dark and catch me unawares. My past and it's shadows. I had an 'argument' with Bowdyn a few days ago. I told him I despise it when people use their past as an excuse for bad behavior. That is true... but I didn't really get a chance to go deeper into that due to the tension that was boiling under the surface of the conversation. Everyone IS effected by their past. I am a firm believer of delving into it as deeply as you can, to making yourself look at your nightmares and fears, understanding them and facing them head on. I do not mean to deny them and their effects, that are very real and most often long-lasting. What I meant is that you have to own them, make them yours, and then STRIVE to beat them, to make yourself MORE than them. Everything about me is all fight and passion I guess. Sometimes I think it is the only thing that has kept me alive up to this point.
I feel that I am reaching some sort of breaking point. I am skirting around the edges of a very very long fall, or standing at the foot of a very very tall mountain. Either way the prospect of taking a step is daunting. I am filled with energy and don't know where to send it. I am restless... irritable, hard to get along with and emotional. I could chalk it all up to hormones and diet, but I truly feel there is something much deeper than that. I am perched, waiting to fly or fall. A Phoenix once again. I guess something could be said for the fact that this seems to happen on a yearly basis. Every summer I reach a high/low and am reborn, stronger. All the better for it, I think. I guess it is hard to say for sure. Next month I make my divorce final. I end one cycle and start another.
I just wanted to let you know, friend or foe, that I needed you to find my way.