sometimes, i wonder
**I wonder if I've made the right decisions in life. I wonder if I've kept the right relationships and let go of the bad ones, or if I've slipped somewhere along the way. Sometimes I almost wish I could see some people just one more time and make that ultimate decision, and not let them have a say in the matter. I still debate with myself as to whether or not I made the right choice to let Clyde go.
**I also wonder where it is that I'm supposed to end up in life. I really want to move to NC, I realllyyyy do. I miss that place more and more every single day and it hurts sometimes. I want to be done and over with Rochester. I can't remember what I posted about last time, but I'm making some steps towards my future currently. Once my lease is up at my current apartment I'm going to move back to Greece and I'm going to live with my mom at her friend's house. My mom is FINALLY going to separate my dad, I'm SO fucking excited about this!!! In the same sense I'm also very scared but now is really not the time to worry about all of this, right?
**I'm also starting to think that this is why people keep asking me if I'm ok. I feel fine most days, provided I'm not hung over. But I feel like people still keep asking me what my problem is because I don't look good or I'm not acting like "me." It can get irritating because either A) I don't feel like I have a problem that day or B) I do not care to talk to that particular person about anything in my personal life. But I supposed that's the part that sucks. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to right now. I'm fairly certain I said these same things in a recent post as well, but it still lives on. I deeply lack having someone that would understand a single thing about me, and about my past and current feelings. Or if I do find someone who is willing to listen, I probably don't have nearly enough time to sit down and explain everything to them.
**I've lost so many people from my past, and those that are involved in my life currently are 80% co workers, which isn't a bad thing....but they're listed under the "new friend" category which exempts them from knowing too much about my life. There is one thing I can safely say....and that's the fact that I will never regret losing Dave. Ever. I'm still pissed at myself for dancing with him last Thursday, that was a TERRIBLE idea. It's not even like we were bumping or grinding or anything, it was a simple dance and I remain annoyed at it.
**Actually, I'd like to change my answer. I've been in a pretty awful mood lately and it's at the point of destruction. I'm finding myself walking past mirrors and windows and having a hard time not to SLAM my fists and wrists into them and just shatter everything. I get this urge to pick up glass candy dishes around work and throw them as hard as possible into walls, and turn those long lightbulb things into my own personal baseball bats. THAT'S the kind of anger I have been feeling. I still haven't figured out why I'm so angry, nothing out of the usual has really been happening. I think I need to take a kick boxing class or something, it's only a matter of time before I hurt myself or someone else once I snap in a Corning glass shop.
**P.s. here's a fun factoid. The Hangover has recently become my "binge movie" inw hich I have watched it easily at least 10 times since I downloaded it. But here's the kicker - the one character "Stu" (the dentist) reminds me a lot like Steve. Very uptight, rule abiding, calm, and I think even the facial expressions are the same. Except int he movie, Stu falls for a stripper...so maybe he's more like my older brother LOL!
**In any case, it's just weird to think about stuff like that while watching my new favorite movie, kind of beats it into your skull. I really need to sleep now though, I'm fucking exhausted from this puppy. She does a great job napping after I get home from work but then all through the night she's always jumping and chewing on me and I just can NOT sleep for the life of me. I am borrowing Shawn's crate for a little while so hopefully this will help mommy get some shut eye before she really hulks the fuck out, eh?
<^>Stephanie<^>
**I also wonder where it is that I'm supposed to end up in life. I really want to move to NC, I realllyyyy do. I miss that place more and more every single day and it hurts sometimes. I want to be done and over with Rochester. I can't remember what I posted about last time, but I'm making some steps towards my future currently. Once my lease is up at my current apartment I'm going to move back to Greece and I'm going to live with my mom at her friend's house. My mom is FINALLY going to separate my dad, I'm SO fucking excited about this!!! In the same sense I'm also very scared but now is really not the time to worry about all of this, right?
**I'm also starting to think that this is why people keep asking me if I'm ok. I feel fine most days, provided I'm not hung over. But I feel like people still keep asking me what my problem is because I don't look good or I'm not acting like "me." It can get irritating because either A) I don't feel like I have a problem that day or B) I do not care to talk to that particular person about anything in my personal life. But I supposed that's the part that sucks. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to right now. I'm fairly certain I said these same things in a recent post as well, but it still lives on. I deeply lack having someone that would understand a single thing about me, and about my past and current feelings. Or if I do find someone who is willing to listen, I probably don't have nearly enough time to sit down and explain everything to them.
**I've lost so many people from my past, and those that are involved in my life currently are 80% co workers, which isn't a bad thing....but they're listed under the "new friend" category which exempts them from knowing too much about my life. There is one thing I can safely say....and that's the fact that I will never regret losing Dave. Ever. I'm still pissed at myself for dancing with him last Thursday, that was a TERRIBLE idea. It's not even like we were bumping or grinding or anything, it was a simple dance and I remain annoyed at it.
**Actually, I'd like to change my answer. I've been in a pretty awful mood lately and it's at the point of destruction. I'm finding myself walking past mirrors and windows and having a hard time not to SLAM my fists and wrists into them and just shatter everything. I get this urge to pick up glass candy dishes around work and throw them as hard as possible into walls, and turn those long lightbulb things into my own personal baseball bats. THAT'S the kind of anger I have been feeling. I still haven't figured out why I'm so angry, nothing out of the usual has really been happening. I think I need to take a kick boxing class or something, it's only a matter of time before I hurt myself or someone else once I snap in a Corning glass shop.
**P.s. here's a fun factoid. The Hangover has recently become my "binge movie" inw hich I have watched it easily at least 10 times since I downloaded it. But here's the kicker - the one character "Stu" (the dentist) reminds me a lot like Steve. Very uptight, rule abiding, calm, and I think even the facial expressions are the same. Except int he movie, Stu falls for a stripper...so maybe he's more like my older brother LOL!
**In any case, it's just weird to think about stuff like that while watching my new favorite movie, kind of beats it into your skull. I really need to sleep now though, I'm fucking exhausted from this puppy. She does a great job napping after I get home from work but then all through the night she's always jumping and chewing on me and I just can NOT sleep for the life of me. I am borrowing Shawn's crate for a little while so hopefully this will help mommy get some shut eye before she really hulks the fuck out, eh?
<^>Stephanie<^>