Project Decompress, dispatch 1
I don't want to get into all the gory details of the last week. Suffice to say: it's been rough. I've learned some very important things, like if you say, "I want to drive off a cliff," to a medical professional, they will not let you drive anywhere. In fact, you may find yourself in the Psych ER, then a group home because your only friend in the state is in another tending to her grandparents. Note to self: make more friends in new zip code. Last Saturday will forever go down as a seriously fucked up 24 hours. I'm glad I got some help, but it wasn't the right kind of help (honestly, I was just looking for some kind of free therapy situation) and I'm rather dreading the bill.
After that things got a little clearer, so long as I didn't dare to look too far into the future. Two weeks seems manageable. That's the amount of time L and I are taking apart. I need to see my family and friends, go running, take a bunch of yoga classes, and try to have a real vacation away from/to sort out my problems. I'm trying to plan something in Savannah and St. Simons. Right now, however, I'm holed up in my mom's house--I needed my mom first.
As for L, he needs the space and solitude to "go a little crazy," as he put it. Death of his mother, new relationship and cohabitation, best friend leaving in an ugly snit, relocation to hometown, broken hand, depression, doubt, anxiety... I get it. It's arrogant to think I know better than him how to deal with all of this or that my presence is helpful--it's not right now. I must give him the dignity to work this out for himself, in his own way and on his own time. I can do that, and I'd want the same if the roles were reversed.
I don't expect the situation to be remarkably better when I go back on the 14th, but I am hoping for a little clarity. Some direction. Honestly, what the hell are we doing? As my friend T said, it's hard because it's important. This is really, really difficult. And yes, it's tantamount. I am hoping for a long, healthy, manageable outcome in which we can build a life together that accommodates both our dreams and goals. I want a partnership full of challenges and encouragement: we're better together than apart. Love. Communication. Respect. Stuff like that. But realistically, I should prepare for things not going that well. At all. And that terrifies me to the core.
But I'm looking too far into the future, so I need to stop that and just focus on today. Today I run, finalize my application to a cool produce store/plant nursery, see a friend, and talk to L after he gets the pins out of his hand. Eat. I should eat too.
After that things got a little clearer, so long as I didn't dare to look too far into the future. Two weeks seems manageable. That's the amount of time L and I are taking apart. I need to see my family and friends, go running, take a bunch of yoga classes, and try to have a real vacation away from/to sort out my problems. I'm trying to plan something in Savannah and St. Simons. Right now, however, I'm holed up in my mom's house--I needed my mom first.
As for L, he needs the space and solitude to "go a little crazy," as he put it. Death of his mother, new relationship and cohabitation, best friend leaving in an ugly snit, relocation to hometown, broken hand, depression, doubt, anxiety... I get it. It's arrogant to think I know better than him how to deal with all of this or that my presence is helpful--it's not right now. I must give him the dignity to work this out for himself, in his own way and on his own time. I can do that, and I'd want the same if the roles were reversed.
I don't expect the situation to be remarkably better when I go back on the 14th, but I am hoping for a little clarity. Some direction. Honestly, what the hell are we doing? As my friend T said, it's hard because it's important. This is really, really difficult. And yes, it's tantamount. I am hoping for a long, healthy, manageable outcome in which we can build a life together that accommodates both our dreams and goals. I want a partnership full of challenges and encouragement: we're better together than apart. Love. Communication. Respect. Stuff like that. But realistically, I should prepare for things not going that well. At all. And that terrifies me to the core.
But I'm looking too far into the future, so I need to stop that and just focus on today. Today I run, finalize my application to a cool produce store/plant nursery, see a friend, and talk to L after he gets the pins out of his hand. Eat. I should eat too.