tomorrow i turn 17
tomorrow is my birthday.
last year i was depressed on my birthday.
it was raining and i got my permit and i came home to sixteen candles set up around my bathtub that my mom had gotten for me who is so sweet and loving even though sometimes i wonder what that means and whether it is enough or really genuine although it obviously is because there is no one more genuine than her at least when it comes to mothers of mine.
sometimes i want to not do anything and just think about people or talk to them or watch them think about each other and talk to each other because they are fabulous at least the good ones are and even the bad ones are fabulous because sometimes they turn out ok and i am there to see them grow and become wonderful despite being not so great early on when i met them.
but when i think about me and other people who have known me i don't think i have changed i think i am the same as when they met me both the not so great and the fabulous no matter how small that fabulous part might be it was there but it seems overshadowed by the fact that it might not have grown and the not so great part has either grown or stayed the same but either way the fact that it hasnt gotten smaller is almost the same or worse than it have gotten bigger.
today a peer's angst actually didn't bother me which isn't a good sign because no matter how angsty i am i shun the angst of others and i make sure to contain my angst or turn it into cynicism or funnel it in some extremely hidden or maybe creative way that morphs it into something other than angst but more like bitterness or just lack of compassion.
towards self.
i am reading a poem tomorrow in front of some of the school. i have allergies and feel that my voice is not its normal clear self but i guess it will reflect my rather ravaged mind. and that is what poetry should do and who wants to read a poem crystal clear after all.
driving it is very green and blue and i declared that the color i would choose is green but i wasn't sure after i said that because it always seems like colors are so strange on their own out of context when they're up for grabs for everyone because what if i chose green and then someone else in some random place also chose green would that connect me to them and would it somehow place me among green plaid school kilts and limes and all those green objects out there that are really very mundane and don't mean all that much to me.
see i have shown my angst very subtly because that is perhaps a master skill that maybe i haven't really mastered or been all that subtle about.
but i visited doc which was superb. superb. i like to make things more embellish them add glitter flaunt them dance around with them and throw them in the air let the light catch them let the wind touscle them i don't know how to spell that word but whatever it is i want the wind to do that to things.
last year i was depressed on my birthday.
it was raining and i got my permit and i came home to sixteen candles set up around my bathtub that my mom had gotten for me who is so sweet and loving even though sometimes i wonder what that means and whether it is enough or really genuine although it obviously is because there is no one more genuine than her at least when it comes to mothers of mine.
sometimes i want to not do anything and just think about people or talk to them or watch them think about each other and talk to each other because they are fabulous at least the good ones are and even the bad ones are fabulous because sometimes they turn out ok and i am there to see them grow and become wonderful despite being not so great early on when i met them.
but when i think about me and other people who have known me i don't think i have changed i think i am the same as when they met me both the not so great and the fabulous no matter how small that fabulous part might be it was there but it seems overshadowed by the fact that it might not have grown and the not so great part has either grown or stayed the same but either way the fact that it hasnt gotten smaller is almost the same or worse than it have gotten bigger.
today a peer's angst actually didn't bother me which isn't a good sign because no matter how angsty i am i shun the angst of others and i make sure to contain my angst or turn it into cynicism or funnel it in some extremely hidden or maybe creative way that morphs it into something other than angst but more like bitterness or just lack of compassion.
towards self.
i am reading a poem tomorrow in front of some of the school. i have allergies and feel that my voice is not its normal clear self but i guess it will reflect my rather ravaged mind. and that is what poetry should do and who wants to read a poem crystal clear after all.
driving it is very green and blue and i declared that the color i would choose is green but i wasn't sure after i said that because it always seems like colors are so strange on their own out of context when they're up for grabs for everyone because what if i chose green and then someone else in some random place also chose green would that connect me to them and would it somehow place me among green plaid school kilts and limes and all those green objects out there that are really very mundane and don't mean all that much to me.
see i have shown my angst very subtly because that is perhaps a master skill that maybe i haven't really mastered or been all that subtle about.
but i visited doc which was superb. superb. i like to make things more embellish them add glitter flaunt them dance around with them and throw them in the air let the light catch them let the wind touscle them i don't know how to spell that word but whatever it is i want the wind to do that to things.