Rainbow, Not chocolate!

[blue__kisses]

I wish I could rent out my life to someone who would make better use of it than i am doing right now. I want to get back to normal life and quit this shit. That or bury me 6 feet under, please! Last Sunday brought a day of havoc and relentless punishment. I lost it, again and ended up punching myself around the head, again. Why am I so deranged. What an idiot. Am I embarrassed to be admitting this? Yes!  Am I ashamed? Yes! But I am honest and I feel that I have to tell myself what I do and what I feel, to remind myself of how I feel, to remember what it was like to be that way. When I lose my temper I lose control, I am a pair of eyes, trapped in a cage in my head, I see it all happening in front of me, though the pain I should feel when my fists are pounding into my temples, is not there, only afterwards, when I am let out of the cage that is in my head can I feel the pain and then I am left to clear up the mess and destruction that I couldn't control. Martin called an ambulance and they called the police and I ran away, Martin phoned me and the police promised they weren't there to take me away, that they were just there to make sure I was ok. In my head it was a huge conspiracy to escort me to the funny farm, turns out it wasn't and they were really nice to me. And here comes the embarrassment of the remembering again *blush*.

I have had my little sister here to stay fro the last few days, she has been really fun to be with, I hadn't realized how much she had changed. I missed her. 
I am hoping that this feeling of wanting to be gone will go away in a few days, I hate the feeling when I get 'comfortable' with wanting to die. 
I am selfish for thinking that, I have a family. I can't have both? Peace in my head and a family? I guess not.