(no subject)
Yesterday was a let down, there were no fights or raised voices, just me, being sad and melancholy. I cried almost all day. I was missing my mum and I thought she didn't love me and how I haven't really got a relationship with anybody. Not properly, Martin, Chloe and Claire are the only ones I have allowed to be part of me since leaving Portland. I don't know how to behave in front of my family anymore, I have this disorder, which, while it sets me apart it also brings me closer to them. Because, if you ask me, all the people on my mum's side of the family have mental problems, ranging from ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((big))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to (((small))). I guess most people do, to a degree, no-one is completely 'normal'.
I miss the parties I threw, Mum, Allie, Steph, Meg, Laura, Sophie, Molly, Siobhan,would come and we'd have such a great time..all the time... we argued and fought, yeah. Every one bitched about each other but we could all put it behind us and laugh about it in the end. I think it is true, I know how and who they all are what they are, I have to accept it or move on and get on with my life without them, but I miss them. The only reason I can't go back is because of me, I guess, not everyone else, I know that the things I don't like won't change, but I cannot cope with inconsistency, it is my own fault that I don't have contact with my family. There are reasons that I can't go near my uncle, as much as I love him (and I question whether I should or not) he is such a funny guy, when he is on a good one. Being around him makes me sad that he did what he did, not angry, that if it weren't for that 1 thing, the fun times we have shared wouldn't all be tainted by that one moment. I can't hurt myself with these memories anymore, if it means not seeing people again, as much as I don't want it to be that way, as much as I wish I could change it and make it all different, I can't.
I am better today. I have had a good day, went out collecting the bags for charity, with Claire and Andy. Had dinner at Claire's. Came home, Chloe is watching 101 Dalmations. I am proud of myself for how I conrolled myself yesterday, even tho there was no hostility in me, there could have been and I didn't let it get that far, Martin was nice to me and helpful for me, he'll always be good for me.
Laura is coming tomorrow. I have been very nervous about seeing her again, since we haven't really seen each other much in the last year or so . . I miss her and I want to see her, I just don't want to become clingy and needy or over the top enthusiast or go on talking about my demise. I am not normal, lol .. I should be put away, in a clinic, and left for a few :P