.. im not entirely sure what the subject is exactly
dunno how to start this really. its like, i gotta use my brain to express myself, but my brain is the topic at hand. but thats not what i want to talk about. i just wanna say, despite what other entrys you have read of mine, im not hateful. like, no matter what i thought people ahve done to me.. i just know i dont hate them.. at all. the feelings just arent there. maybe its cuz i royally hit my head hard when i was less than a year old.. theres a sizeable dent on the back of my skull like where jews wear yamicas.. maybe im a degenerate jew, or maybe i just fell out of a shopping cart.. but again, this is not what i want to talk about. i just wanna get to the essence of what im feeling today. life is bizzare.. and people can act very bizzare. to get to the point, theres this woman i know who had large tumor in her uterus. and the day she was going to the hospital for surgery, she attended a funeral, where she saw an old friend of hers.. which just so happened to have a tumor in the same place, AND.. they went ot the same hospital, THAT SAME DAY, FOR THE SAME SURGERY.. so thats just my proof to myself, that akward, very deep connections happen daily.. and im perhaps not paranoid. im really beating around the bush here, what im saying is, i think people have been trying to kill me or harm me for a while, under the guise of "youre paranoid".. even though i know whats farfetched, and whats just obvious... i mean who vaguely admits what cruel crimes they have done, shortly after doing them, without guilt, or the fear of getting caught for inflicting something on someone that they would not want inflicted on themselves, especially to a person who has never, and will never inflict any harm on them??? like fighting someone whos not fighting back, who was never trying to fight.. but again, this is what i mean with that point about the tumor.. it could all just be those connections in life that ive been so excited about. people arent admitting their attempts at a perfect murder, we are all just deeply connected, and we go through the same things at the same times... anyway, before i get too confusing, all i really wanted to say is.. i know for a fact that i dont carry hatred in my heart. i might get slightly irritated sometimes.. but its brief. i never hold a grudge, cuz its just not who i am. i know ive said some ridiculous shit in my time, but ive said a lot of awesome stuff too. and i hope im doing it right now.. so no matter what happened, or will happen. i will not sink to the level of those who may have inflicted it on me. i will also try my best to not condescend on them.. like holy than thou shit. id love to say, im here to protect you from your own mistakes.. even my worst enemys. but i cant be sure if i can do that, and completely... bah, its all too complicated and confusing. it makes sense, it doesnt. i just hope everything turns out good. and this is not all in vain.