i see you everywhere
Landlord literally said to me that "things would get a lot easier for me" if I "wore nice pantyhose". 'Or else' was implied, he couldn't have shouted 'for him' louder than it was with him just looking at me like that. And I, I am an idiot, because I panicked, because I considered, because I lost control, because I ruined myself, because I cried and fled and became the only one punished. I maintain that what I did was directly caused by (that is: a direct consequence of) his words, his terrorisation, his sexual intimidation. Desperation and powerlessness and panic leads to desperate, panicked actions. The only thing I can console myself with is that I didn't actually wear pantyhose for him - but then again, I wasn't the one making that decision. I was desperate enough to try.
In my defense: I have no lock on my door. He doesn't let me put a lock on the door, says he won't return my safety deposit if I do. He lives in the same house with his two young daughters. He shouts at me for pointing things out to him that he doesn't want to hear, he shouts at me that he doesn't want my boyfriend here. I don't feel safe in this house on my own. I tried very hard to come to an agreement with him because of his two daughters. I am very afraid of him coming into my room when I'm asleep, I know he comes into my room when I'm not there, last time he sent his underage daughter and text-messaged me about it, gloating. I'm afraid of being raped and I'm afraid of him taking my things (laptop, cash money, UNDERWEAR, diaries) and I'm afraid of the power he has over me with me living in his house.
It's already practically impossible for me to wash my clothes - I'm not allowed to once his daughters are asleep (the youngest goes to bed at eight) and he takes issue with me putting my clothes in the machine right before leaving the house. But: I try to be home as little as possible, I have to go to Utrecht almost every day, so I have no choice but to do it before I leave the house. I get up, I shower/take a bath, I leave. I can't do it in the weekend, because he uses the washer/dryer in the weekend. I'm so uncomfortable with doing it before I leave, too, because he has a history of taking my clothes out of the washer and singling out some of my bras/panties and calling me over to make insinuating remarks about them.
He randomly shut down internet and television last week and I had to call for my parents to come at ten o'clock in the evening and spend two hours arguing with him before he agreed to reconnect me. I need internet for everything I do. For banking, for uni stuff, for freelance work, for performances, for research. And he just laughs and takes it away from me.
I can't cook in this house because he follows me into the kitchen and watches me until I'm back upstairs. He says he has every right to be in his own kitchen and he's right about that, but it's creepy. He says that my boyfriend is not allowed into the living room/kitchen/bathroom, so I'm always on my own when I have to cook or shower. His office is right in front of the bathroom door. He always keeps the door of his office open and he turns in his chair to watch me when I come out of the bathroom and go downstairs.
The room hasn't gone below 30 degrees celcius (86 degrees Fahrenheit) for over a week now, with all the windows open and the fan running. He'd promised me airconditioning, but he's refusing it now and he's threatening to take away the fan. It's literally too hot to sleep most nights.
He keeps track of when I'm home and when I'm away. He takes the plug out of the garage door randomly (at first after nine o'clock in the evening, knowing that I hardly ever came home before that time; now he does it whenever he or his daughters don't need to use the garage) so I can't come in with the bike and I can't come in without him knowing it. I feel so unsafe and so upset and I have no idea what to do. After the text from him in which he mentioned sending his daughter up to my room I called the police and they had a stern talk with him, but they said they can't help me unless he comes into my room again, they can't do anything about the sexual intimidation without proof or actual sexual assault (touching me, forcing himself on me, something like that), because my account is "subjective" and my direct citations could've been "misunderstandings" and it's just very hard to prove things like this.
Meanwhile, I can't find anyplace else to live and I'm going mad and I don't have enough medication and I'm having nightmares about him every night and I'm unable to focus on anything else.
Right now I can't afford a lawyer and I can't afford requesting urgency at the public utility housing enterprise. I can go to a private enterprise, but those houses cost double rent and the initial fees are even more than I can afford.
ETA: for anyone coming in through
copperbadge's journal:
By the way, in return for money/advice, I can do tarot readings. I also have a lot of art postcards on which I write poetry (I'm afraid it won't be my own published poetry, unless you don't mind it being in Dutch) and sell at festivals - I can of course (e-?)mail something to anyone nice enough to help me out. I can also try writing English poetry, but as you can see here and here and here, it's not very good. My paypal account is oceanrebel333@gmail.com.
I am so - crazily upset and ashamed, asking for money. Seriously, don't do it if you can't afford it, don't feel pressured to do it, I really honestly don't mind - advice is enough, God, online hugs make me happy at this point.
ETAETA. Oh, wow. You're making me cry. Thank you so much for all the replies and hugs and advice and links, each and every one of them makes me feel less alone. Thank you also for the financial support - I hadn't really expected anything and I'm so grateful. Please, please, if you'd like anything in return, be it a tarot reading, a poem, a postcard, cookies, anything, it doesn't even matter what, don't hesitate to let me know. I'd love to give something back. Also, to the people who donated - if you want, I can pay you back in a few months' time. Just - let me know Even putting in "loan" in the message will be enough.
ETA May 2nd: I've made a few more posts on the subject since then.
In short, this past week he told me he's not returning my deposit until I left before May 1st (while officially I have till June 1st to move out and he is legally obliged to return my safety deposit. However, going to a judge will cost me hundreds of euros more than the deposit is worth). He knows that I haven't damaged anything, but he said that he might do that for me. I packed, but can't go anywhere because I need to be an official resident somewhere - otherwise my income will be cancelled. So I'm still here.
The day before yesterday (April 30th) someone went into my room, searched in my bag, found my keychain and took my housekey from it. It's a chain with an intricate screw system, so it can't fall off - someone has to unscrew the whole thing to add/remove keys. I was showering when this happened. The landlord and his daughters tell me they have no idea, but fact is that nobody but them (and I) was home at the time.
The police and lawyers I've spoken to tell me he's not allowed to do all these things, but they can't do anything about it. I have to sue him and by the time this will go to court, I'm long out of here. I told the police several times how unsafe I feel here, how I'm afraid he'll rape me, how he has locked me out of the house and I'm too afraid to go back there by myself, but they told me to bring someone else along when I went back and to only call them if he actually threatened me or did something. SOMEONE WENT INTO MY ROOM AND STOLE MY KEY. When the police was here, they gave him an official warning for going into my room when I wasn't there, and they told him that if it happened again, they'd take action. It has happened again and they are not doing anything.
All these things - locking me out, stealing my key, going into my room, shutting off tv/internet etc are not allowed. Not one of them. But I can't do anything about it. Yesterday there was no warm water all day in the bathroom, and he was gone all day. He told me he had to call the company, but I'm afraid he might've done it to bully me - not being able to shower in your own house is very frustrating. All these things just add up and I don't know how much more I can handle.
We talked last night and it was extremely frustrating, him and his thirteen-year-old daughter acting like I'm the monster. He threatened to shut down tv/internet again and take more actions, and I had to grovel. He claims all the sexual advances were "misunderstandings". He claims disconnecting the garage has nothing to do with making it impossible for me to come in without him knowing it. He claims he has nothing to do with my missing key. And I had to swallow it all to get a fraction of peace and quiet. His daughter shouted at me that her father has to provide food for them and that I'm bothering him with made agreements (he promised airconditioning, and it's unbearably hot in this room - over 30 degrees celcius even in the middle of the night. He promised closets, but I've been living out of boxes for six months now. He doesn't TELL me he's not playing to provide them anymore, so I can't go out and buy my own.)
Anyway. He told me I'm allowed to stay a resident on paper till June 1st, but he wants me out ASAP. He said I'll just have to stay at friends' or something. Only if I go he'll return my deposit. Again, I can't afford losing this deposit. It's hundreds of euros and right now, I have a hard time buying food. Those of you who've supported me financially, thank you so much. I've contacted a lawyer with the money and have just enough for one one-hour appointment, so that's a good start. I'm not sure how to deal with this after the first appointment, but hopefully I can find someone (or someones) who'll take me in for a few weeks so I can get my deposit back.
My paypal account is oceanrebel333@gmail.com. Earlier in this post I mentioned the things I can do in return - if you want anything else, just let me know. If you want to give me a loan, that's okay too - I'm willing to pay you back as soon as I'm out of this mess.
In my defense: I have no lock on my door. He doesn't let me put a lock on the door, says he won't return my safety deposit if I do. He lives in the same house with his two young daughters. He shouts at me for pointing things out to him that he doesn't want to hear, he shouts at me that he doesn't want my boyfriend here. I don't feel safe in this house on my own. I tried very hard to come to an agreement with him because of his two daughters. I am very afraid of him coming into my room when I'm asleep, I know he comes into my room when I'm not there, last time he sent his underage daughter and text-messaged me about it, gloating. I'm afraid of being raped and I'm afraid of him taking my things (laptop, cash money, UNDERWEAR, diaries) and I'm afraid of the power he has over me with me living in his house.
It's already practically impossible for me to wash my clothes - I'm not allowed to once his daughters are asleep (the youngest goes to bed at eight) and he takes issue with me putting my clothes in the machine right before leaving the house. But: I try to be home as little as possible, I have to go to Utrecht almost every day, so I have no choice but to do it before I leave the house. I get up, I shower/take a bath, I leave. I can't do it in the weekend, because he uses the washer/dryer in the weekend. I'm so uncomfortable with doing it before I leave, too, because he has a history of taking my clothes out of the washer and singling out some of my bras/panties and calling me over to make insinuating remarks about them.
He randomly shut down internet and television last week and I had to call for my parents to come at ten o'clock in the evening and spend two hours arguing with him before he agreed to reconnect me. I need internet for everything I do. For banking, for uni stuff, for freelance work, for performances, for research. And he just laughs and takes it away from me.
I can't cook in this house because he follows me into the kitchen and watches me until I'm back upstairs. He says he has every right to be in his own kitchen and he's right about that, but it's creepy. He says that my boyfriend is not allowed into the living room/kitchen/bathroom, so I'm always on my own when I have to cook or shower. His office is right in front of the bathroom door. He always keeps the door of his office open and he turns in his chair to watch me when I come out of the bathroom and go downstairs.
The room hasn't gone below 30 degrees celcius (86 degrees Fahrenheit) for over a week now, with all the windows open and the fan running. He'd promised me airconditioning, but he's refusing it now and he's threatening to take away the fan. It's literally too hot to sleep most nights.
He keeps track of when I'm home and when I'm away. He takes the plug out of the garage door randomly (at first after nine o'clock in the evening, knowing that I hardly ever came home before that time; now he does it whenever he or his daughters don't need to use the garage) so I can't come in with the bike and I can't come in without him knowing it. I feel so unsafe and so upset and I have no idea what to do. After the text from him in which he mentioned sending his daughter up to my room I called the police and they had a stern talk with him, but they said they can't help me unless he comes into my room again, they can't do anything about the sexual intimidation without proof or actual sexual assault (touching me, forcing himself on me, something like that), because my account is "subjective" and my direct citations could've been "misunderstandings" and it's just very hard to prove things like this.
Meanwhile, I can't find anyplace else to live and I'm going mad and I don't have enough medication and I'm having nightmares about him every night and I'm unable to focus on anything else.
Right now I can't afford a lawyer and I can't afford requesting urgency at the public utility housing enterprise. I can go to a private enterprise, but those houses cost double rent and the initial fees are even more than I can afford.
ETA: for anyone coming in through
copperbadge's journal:
By the way, in return for money/advice, I can do tarot readings. I also have a lot of art postcards on which I write poetry (I'm afraid it won't be my own published poetry, unless you don't mind it being in Dutch) and sell at festivals - I can of course (e-?)mail something to anyone nice enough to help me out. I can also try writing English poetry, but as you can see here and here and here, it's not very good. My paypal account is oceanrebel333@gmail.com.
I am so - crazily upset and ashamed, asking for money. Seriously, don't do it if you can't afford it, don't feel pressured to do it, I really honestly don't mind - advice is enough, God, online hugs make me happy at this point.
ETAETA. Oh, wow. You're making me cry. Thank you so much for all the replies and hugs and advice and links, each and every one of them makes me feel less alone. Thank you also for the financial support - I hadn't really expected anything and I'm so grateful. Please, please, if you'd like anything in return, be it a tarot reading, a poem, a postcard, cookies, anything, it doesn't even matter what, don't hesitate to let me know. I'd love to give something back. Also, to the people who donated - if you want, I can pay you back in a few months' time. Just - let me know Even putting in "loan" in the message will be enough.
ETA May 2nd: I've made a few more posts on the subject since then.
In short, this past week he told me he's not returning my deposit until I left before May 1st (while officially I have till June 1st to move out and he is legally obliged to return my safety deposit. However, going to a judge will cost me hundreds of euros more than the deposit is worth). He knows that I haven't damaged anything, but he said that he might do that for me. I packed, but can't go anywhere because I need to be an official resident somewhere - otherwise my income will be cancelled. So I'm still here.
The day before yesterday (April 30th) someone went into my room, searched in my bag, found my keychain and took my housekey from it. It's a chain with an intricate screw system, so it can't fall off - someone has to unscrew the whole thing to add/remove keys. I was showering when this happened. The landlord and his daughters tell me they have no idea, but fact is that nobody but them (and I) was home at the time.
The police and lawyers I've spoken to tell me he's not allowed to do all these things, but they can't do anything about it. I have to sue him and by the time this will go to court, I'm long out of here. I told the police several times how unsafe I feel here, how I'm afraid he'll rape me, how he has locked me out of the house and I'm too afraid to go back there by myself, but they told me to bring someone else along when I went back and to only call them if he actually threatened me or did something. SOMEONE WENT INTO MY ROOM AND STOLE MY KEY. When the police was here, they gave him an official warning for going into my room when I wasn't there, and they told him that if it happened again, they'd take action. It has happened again and they are not doing anything.
All these things - locking me out, stealing my key, going into my room, shutting off tv/internet etc are not allowed. Not one of them. But I can't do anything about it. Yesterday there was no warm water all day in the bathroom, and he was gone all day. He told me he had to call the company, but I'm afraid he might've done it to bully me - not being able to shower in your own house is very frustrating. All these things just add up and I don't know how much more I can handle.
We talked last night and it was extremely frustrating, him and his thirteen-year-old daughter acting like I'm the monster. He threatened to shut down tv/internet again and take more actions, and I had to grovel. He claims all the sexual advances were "misunderstandings". He claims disconnecting the garage has nothing to do with making it impossible for me to come in without him knowing it. He claims he has nothing to do with my missing key. And I had to swallow it all to get a fraction of peace and quiet. His daughter shouted at me that her father has to provide food for them and that I'm bothering him with made agreements (he promised airconditioning, and it's unbearably hot in this room - over 30 degrees celcius even in the middle of the night. He promised closets, but I've been living out of boxes for six months now. He doesn't TELL me he's not playing to provide them anymore, so I can't go out and buy my own.)
Anyway. He told me I'm allowed to stay a resident on paper till June 1st, but he wants me out ASAP. He said I'll just have to stay at friends' or something. Only if I go he'll return my deposit. Again, I can't afford losing this deposit. It's hundreds of euros and right now, I have a hard time buying food. Those of you who've supported me financially, thank you so much. I've contacted a lawyer with the money and have just enough for one one-hour appointment, so that's a good start. I'm not sure how to deal with this after the first appointment, but hopefully I can find someone (or someones) who'll take me in for a few weeks so I can get my deposit back.
My paypal account is oceanrebel333@gmail.com. Earlier in this post I mentioned the things I can do in return - if you want anything else, just let me know. If you want to give me a loan, that's okay too - I'm willing to pay you back as soon as I'm out of this mess.