there are one too many two too many holes - get them bigger - in my garden wall (THIS MEANS NOTHING)
Despite everything the festival was a success. At some point I saw cantseenewyork walking in when I'd expected Vicky, which was weird, me and Roel talked a bit about victimisation just before his and Lieke M's performance, but most of the time I hung out with Matt and my team.
In the space of about a month, I've worked at, organised and am going to perform at three different festivals. I think that's a pretty good way to spend the first weeks of spring.
March 25th, 2008, 13:43, copy/pasted from a private-locked entry.
I bought him a CD this morning, coming in much too late at GBG, and I wrote down apologies and thanks in the booklet. Both are equally important. There’s only one place in this whole city that had a Levellers CD. At least, I found an old album at the sixth place I checked.
I didn’t see the Levellers in concert. Me and a friend did meet them at the artist café, late at night, and man, those guys can drink. I hijacked their half-empty bottle of vodka and finished most of it until someone took it away from me. I’ve a photo with Jon from the Levellers (he plays the violin! In a rock/punk band! How cool is that.) that was taken just before he went to bed, and it’s weird. I got my good, good friend to ask the singer, who has dreadlocks in a weird towel-wrapped shape, if they could switch hair. Jeremy, his name was. And the man seriously had to think about it, and then he realised that it was, in fact, not possible. I nearly died laughing. But then one of his other band members gave us amused instructions on how to get that hair. (Just wrap a towel around it and let it dry. Then carefully take the towel off. Must work.) My friend says he saved me from ending up in bed with one of the Levellers, I say he's highly underestimating my ability to think. So I didn't end up sleeping with any of them, but, ha, we're going to meet them again. The two of us are fans now.
His LastFM account tells me he's been listening to Zeitgeist, the album I gave him. I'm just looking them up on LastFM, I love the Liberty Song, and I'm seeing the guy my friend says I would've slept with in black and white in a cool video.
His conversation tells me he isn't angry at me, or at least wants me to feel more comfortable about it. I'm not sure though, I'm not sure about quite some things these days. L supposedly called me her best friend today, or so the gossip goes, I saved her neck yesterday, she was terribly nice about me stressing and stressing and stressing out today. I've a good friend and another friend and then he who is more or less a friend too, and whom I want to make a real, ++% friend.
I was reasonably okay all day, stressed and annoyed but performing well and just ready for the day, but then I was checking the festival website online and it was still down, and then I checked something else completely unrelated, and I got a nasty surprise and then everything went poof down. I don't have any right to be upset over it, I know that, and it's very arrogant that I am, and I can't talk to anyone about it because God, arrogant, much, me?, and still it caught me completely off balance. And I spent the next hour or two stressing the hell out, and everyone was looking at me all the time because I don't do stressing out publicly, and it was all awful and uncomfortable and people were angry at me and Tad and L were trying to make me feel better as well as they could, but I didn't get really calm until I was in the bus back to my city, off to pick Matt up. Music in the bus, music on the streets, music (Nick Drake) in the library, music on the streets, and then long silences with Matt.
I'm trying to get used to calling him Matt. I'm the only one allowed to call him Matt for now, I've decided - I've absolutely no right to say something like this, but I'm saying it, and I'm keeping to it.
+ L hugging me in the morning because I'd saved her yesterday
+ Tad telling me to take it one day at a time, step by step
- him saying he really couldn't come
(--- not being sure if he couldn't or wouldn't or if he's angry at me, which he has every right to be but I still don't want him to and I at least want to know and also want to know how to make it up)
+ L listening, and being spontaneous in a weird open way that made me feel okay for the first time all day
- beating my head against a wall saying that whole GBG can go and fall down dead for all I care
- N shouting at me out of a window when I was taking a quick break, saying I was supposed to be there with them, wtf was I doing, get the hell back
- GTT saying that there was no possible excuse for me being so late with that deadline, giving it in on Friday, how dare I
+ calming down with music in the bus
+ Day Is Done
+ The Macabre Movienight at the 013 in April, six B-horror movies, tasteless gore and sex and blood
+ Emma mentioning how Marjan used my Barbarian project as an example to persuade Emma to follow my lead, to find inspiration
+ the festival being okay
+ the chat with LvO
+ the conversation in the car with Janneke and Laurens Abbink Spaink (the writer of Zwartboek)
+ the disaster of Fitna. The Heideroosjes made a joke about it last weekend and back then I'd laughed along and felt released, not angry or frustrated anymore, for the first time in ages. Politics are aweful, especially untouchable politicians spreading hate. Geert Wilders is a fucking idiot, using the wrong picture (of a rapper) in his movie about muslim extremists. But give the boy a break, he did his best. xD xD
- still sitting here, supposedly working on a deadline for GTT and NB
- still sitting here, not actually doing anything
+ Liberty Song
+/- my whole state of mind having been changed
In the space of about a month, I've worked at, organised and am going to perform at three different festivals. I think that's a pretty good way to spend the first weeks of spring.
March 25th, 2008, 13:43, copy/pasted from a private-locked entry.
I bought him a CD this morning, coming in much too late at GBG, and I wrote down apologies and thanks in the booklet. Both are equally important. There’s only one place in this whole city that had a Levellers CD. At least, I found an old album at the sixth place I checked.
I didn’t see the Levellers in concert. Me and a friend did meet them at the artist café, late at night, and man, those guys can drink. I hijacked their half-empty bottle of vodka and finished most of it until someone took it away from me. I’ve a photo with Jon from the Levellers (he plays the violin! In a rock/punk band! How cool is that.) that was taken just before he went to bed, and it’s weird. I got my good, good friend to ask the singer, who has dreadlocks in a weird towel-wrapped shape, if they could switch hair. Jeremy, his name was. And the man seriously had to think about it, and then he realised that it was, in fact, not possible. I nearly died laughing. But then one of his other band members gave us amused instructions on how to get that hair. (Just wrap a towel around it and let it dry. Then carefully take the towel off. Must work.) My friend says he saved me from ending up in bed with one of the Levellers, I say he's highly underestimating my ability to think. So I didn't end up sleeping with any of them, but, ha, we're going to meet them again. The two of us are fans now.
His LastFM account tells me he's been listening to Zeitgeist, the album I gave him. I'm just looking them up on LastFM, I love the Liberty Song, and I'm seeing the guy my friend says I would've slept with in black and white in a cool video.
His conversation tells me he isn't angry at me, or at least wants me to feel more comfortable about it. I'm not sure though, I'm not sure about quite some things these days. L supposedly called me her best friend today, or so the gossip goes, I saved her neck yesterday, she was terribly nice about me stressing and stressing and stressing out today. I've a good friend and another friend and then he who is more or less a friend too, and whom I want to make a real, ++% friend.
I was reasonably okay all day, stressed and annoyed but performing well and just ready for the day, but then I was checking the festival website online and it was still down, and then I checked something else completely unrelated, and I got a nasty surprise and then everything went poof down. I don't have any right to be upset over it, I know that, and it's very arrogant that I am, and I can't talk to anyone about it because God, arrogant, much, me?, and still it caught me completely off balance. And I spent the next hour or two stressing the hell out, and everyone was looking at me all the time because I don't do stressing out publicly, and it was all awful and uncomfortable and people were angry at me and Tad and L were trying to make me feel better as well as they could, but I didn't get really calm until I was in the bus back to my city, off to pick Matt up. Music in the bus, music on the streets, music (Nick Drake) in the library, music on the streets, and then long silences with Matt.
I'm trying to get used to calling him Matt. I'm the only one allowed to call him Matt for now, I've decided - I've absolutely no right to say something like this, but I'm saying it, and I'm keeping to it.
+ L hugging me in the morning because I'd saved her yesterday
+ Tad telling me to take it one day at a time, step by step
- him saying he really couldn't come
(--- not being sure if he couldn't or wouldn't or if he's angry at me, which he has every right to be but I still don't want him to and I at least want to know and also want to know how to make it up)
+ L listening, and being spontaneous in a weird open way that made me feel okay for the first time all day
- beating my head against a wall saying that whole GBG can go and fall down dead for all I care
- N shouting at me out of a window when I was taking a quick break, saying I was supposed to be there with them, wtf was I doing, get the hell back
- GTT saying that there was no possible excuse for me being so late with that deadline, giving it in on Friday, how dare I
+ calming down with music in the bus
+ Day Is Done
+ The Macabre Movienight at the 013 in April, six B-horror movies, tasteless gore and sex and blood
+ Emma mentioning how Marjan used my Barbarian project as an example to persuade Emma to follow my lead, to find inspiration
+ the festival being okay
+ the chat with LvO
+ the conversation in the car with Janneke and Laurens Abbink Spaink (the writer of Zwartboek)
+ the disaster of Fitna. The Heideroosjes made a joke about it last weekend and back then I'd laughed along and felt released, not angry or frustrated anymore, for the first time in ages. Politics are aweful, especially untouchable politicians spreading hate. Geert Wilders is a fucking idiot, using the wrong picture (of a rapper) in his movie about muslim extremists. But give the boy a break, he did his best. xD xD
- still sitting here, supposedly working on a deadline for GTT and NB
- still sitting here, not actually doing anything
+ Liberty Song
+/- my whole state of mind having been changed