Jun 09, 2015 12:58
Yes! They Deserve to have Pets! ALL OF THEM!
(title by Dark Empress)
Felicity bounded into the Arrow Cave, carrying an awkward bundle of grey fuzz in her arms. "Guys! Look at this! Someone gave me a little baby burro!" She reached the bottom of the stairs and set the creature on the floor. It tottered a moment on tiny hooves, its long ears tipping forward and back. A blue bow decorated its forelock, and a matching ribbon festooned its tail. "Isn't she cute?"
Oliver and Diggle stared. They looked at one another, the same thought simultanesouly flashing through their minds. Did you--? No, I didn't--! It wasn't me! They returned their flabbergasted stares to Felicity and her baby donkey.
Oliver said, "Wow, Felicity, you really do have the cutest little--"
"Oliver!" Diggle fortunately interrupted him, with a glare. Oliver shrugged a little too innocently.
"Oliver," called another voice as the door upstairs banged shut again. Malcolm Merlyn, balancing two cardboard boxes in his arms, came down the stairs. He shoved one into Oliver's arms. "Open it right away, it's time-sensitive." He turned to Diggle and handed him the other. "John."
Diggle just glared, but he gingerly took the box. Probably a bomb. Oliver pulled the lid off of his and blinked at the contents.
*peep peep peep*
"It's...?" The archer reached into the box and pulled out a little squirming ball of yellow fuzz. "A duckling?" *peep peep peep* "Wha--?"
“Well, you were so bothered by me having a kid that I thought perhaps you should get a pet of your own. So here it is,” Malcolm explained, smiling innocently.
*peep peep peep*
"I don't want a pet! I don't need a pet!" *peep peep peep* "You can't foist this... peeping... duckling on me!"
"Too late, you touched him; now he's imprinted on you. He'll follow you everywhere you go."
"WHAT!?"
*peep peep peep*
Felicity's mind was whirring, and she tried to get a word in edgewise. "Wait, what kid? A kid?" Her head bobbed back and forth on her neck as she looked at each man in turn, her eyebrows knotted into lines of confusion. "Malcolm has a kid?"
"It's a goat," Diggle said.
"A goat?"
"Yeah, a goat."
"Malcolm Merlyn's got a goat?"
Malcolm interrupted. "It's a 'you had to be there' kind of thing."
*peep peep peep*
"What am I supposed to do with a duckling following me around everywhere?" Oliver whined. "Is this all it does, is peep all the time?"
*peep peep peep*
Felicity raised a finger. "Peep and poop."
"What!?" Oliver frowned at his hand. "OH!
She shrugged. "Sorry, Oliver. Everybody poops."
*peep peep peep*
Oliver set the duckling on the floor and headed to the bathroom to get a paper towel. The duck waddled after him as fast as its tiny webbed feet could take it.
*peep peep peep!*
"This is going to make missions, um, interesting," Felicity said, watching them go. She turned to her little donkey. "Come on, Blossom, let's go see Mommy's workstation."
"Felicity, you named it?" Diggle all but shouted. "Now you'll never get rid of it!"
"Why would I want to get rid of a sweet little creature like Blossom?" she asked with a tinge of indignation.
“Well, just you wait until it grows tall enough and starts nibbling at your beloved fern over there,” the bodyguard said sarcastically, indicating the plant on Felicity’s desk.
“Aw, now you’re just being mean! My darling little Blossom would never do that, would you baby?” She leaned down and planted a smoochy kiss on the donkey’s nose. The little creature brayed at her joyfully.
Diggle just face-palmed.
Felicity frowned suddenly. "Wait." She turned to Merlyn. "Did you send me this burro?"
"Yes I did."
"Check it isn't rigged with explosives," Diggle growled.
"Why did you send me a burro?"
*peep peep peep*
"As I said. Oliver seemed to feel left out when he saw I had a pet. I thought you all deserved the joy and pride of having a companion animal."
"You gave me a duck!"
*peep peep peep*
Malcolm turned to Diggle. "John, you haven't opened your box."
"Oh, no! You are not suckering me, I know what's in this box."
*peep peep peep*
"Do you? Do you really?" Merlyn gave him the mysterious villain eye.
"I am not opening this box. You can have it back!" He shoved it at the magnate.
"Oh, afraid are you?" Malcolm countered, scooting back to avoid taking the box. "Are you a man, or a mouse?"
"No, I'm not afraid of any... fuzzy little critter! It probably is a mouse!"
*peep peep peep*
"Then you can open the box."
"Fine!" Diggle whipped the lid off the box. "You cannot buy my affections with..." He frowned down into his box a moment. Carefully, he reached inside and scooped up the occupant with gentle reverence. Felicity leaned in to see what the ball of fluffy white fur with misty grey spots was. "You cannot...," Diggle was still struggling to say, "buy my affections... with a... cute... fuzzy... little... baby bunny!?" His lower lip wibbled a bit as the tiny lop-eared bunny opened its big brown eyes and looked up at him in adoration.
"Ohhhhhhhh!" Felicity simpered.
*peep peep peep*
"Oliver," Malcolm snapped, "can you shut the duck up?"
*peep peep peep*
"I don't know how!" Huffing in frustration, Oliver picked the duckling back up and tried petting it. *peep peep peep* "How do I even feed this thing? Why did you give me a duck? Of all things!"
"Being a pet owner comes with a lot of responsibilities," Merlyn lectured. "If you can't handle it, you can always fatten him up, then wring his neck and eat him."
Felicity gasped. Oliver frowned at the awkward little creature in his hands. He remained silent for a long while, biting his lip. Then he slowly hugged the duckling close to his broad chest.
*peep peep peep*
Felicity shook herself. "Wait. Again." Malcolm turned to her. "If you got us all pets, did you get Thea one?"
"Yes," he said with the proud beaming smile of a parent. "I got Thea a pet that every young woman who owns a nightclub in the seedy part of town needs."
"A pit bull?"
"A p--" Malcolm blinked. "Yeah; how did you know?"
"Wait...! You're serious?"
*peep peep peep*
"Thea got a pit bull?" Oliver pouted. "He won't eat Charlie, will he?"
"Oliver!" Diggle exclaimed again. "You named it? Man, what I did I just say a few minutes ago!?"
*peep peep peep*
"Well what are you gonna call Cutesy McFluffysnuggles, there?"
"Oliver, did you just name this bunny?" Diggle pointed a finger at... Cutesy.
"Oops," the bratty ex-billionaire playboy said. "Now you're stuck."
"Shut up. Sara will love this baby bunny." Diggle nuzzled the bunny with his nose. Then looked up between Oliver and Felicity, who had shock written all over their faces. "Well, it's not for me!"
*peep peep peep*
"I'm glad you're all enjoying your new pets," Malcolm said. They glared at him. "I believe the words you're searching for are 'Thank' and 'You.'"
"No," Diggle said, "I'm sure the words I'm searching for are 'Shut' and 'Up'!"
Malcolm leveled a beligerent look at him. "Hassenpfeffer is also quite tasty, I understand."
Diggle cradled the bunny defensively in his arms. "Don't you be touching my bunny! I mean-- Sara's bunny!" He scowled ferociously.
Malcolm only smirked.
Epilogue:
When Malcolm came to Thea's loft, she and the pit bull puppy were playing on the floor, wrestling with a toy. He couldn't help but smile fondly at the two younglings in their happy innocence.
This didn't last long. Thea jumped up. "Seriously? You got me a puppy? And you think -- what? That makes everything all right between us or something?"
"I just want you to be protected and safe, even when I can't be there," he told her. "Have you thought of a name?"
Thea's lips twitched. "Her name is Moira."
Malcolm blinked. Then he got a sour feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Moira. That's...." He didn't know what to say.
"Yep!" Thea turned and picked up the teddy bear she and the dog had been playing with. "And look, I even started to train her. Here, Moira! Here's Malcolm!" She waggled the toy in front of the puppy. "Bite him!"
The exuberant puppy leapt up and CHOMPED on the bear, jaws locking right between its legs.
Malcolm winced.
Thea tugged playfully for a moment, then let the pit bull grab the toy out of her hand and start shaking it viciously. Moira trotted around the room in triumph, tossing the teddy bear around and whipping it back and forth with wild abandon.
Now Thea smiled with paternal warmth and affection. Malcolm, however, didn't quite share those same feelings any more.
He would be damned if he allowed he’d given his daughter a dog that would hate him, though. So she was named Moira. So what? He knelt on the floor and held out some dog food he’d scooped up from the huge bag near the door. The puppy barked at him, then ran up, wagging her tail, and ate the offerd food with gusto. She licked his nose playfully and jumped to put her front paws on his arms. Malcolm wasn’t prepared for this exactly, so he ended up sprawled on the floor as the dog apparently found a new toy: him, then licked away at his face and nudged his hand with her mug, begging to be petted at the same time.
“Whoa, Moira, get off.” he said, laughing. She kept licking his face as he straightened himself and got up, but the commanding tone in his voice finally made her back down a bit. He stood up and the dog kept jumping and barking at him, demanding more caresses.
“She likes you,” Thea grumbled, pouting a bit.
“Yeah, she seems to,” Malcolm said, squatting back down and teasing the puppy by dangling a kibble in front of her nose and then hiding it with his magic trick as she barked and tried to catch it. His assassin agility instincts switched on, and he made the dog chase him all around the place before he finally stopped and gave into the animal’s demands. “Now there you go!” He laughed as the puppy kept insisting on getting the offered food and jumped all over him in its unruly enthusiasm.
“Down, girl,”Malcolm said finally and something in his voice made the puppy obey. He stopped the playfulness when he noticed Thea clearly needed to talk to him.
“So, Felicity called me and said you gave everyone pets. And that you have a goat?! What the hell is the plan here, Dad?”
Malcolm smiled as he stood up, but it was not due to his pet-strategy that he seemed to lose control of lately. Thea had just called him ‘Dad’ again, for the first time in months.
“There’s no plan Thea. After what everyone’s been through in recent months…. years... I figured… we all deserve some unconditional love.”
Thea squatted down to pet her puppy and looked into its huge brown eyes. Unconditional love was radiating from them in spades. She lifted her gaze to look up at her father and saw the same kind of love staring back at her.
She shook her head to get out of this vulnerable mood. “Thanks, Dad. Oh, and did I hear it right? Did Felicity get an ass?”
Both she and Malcolm burst out lauging at the same time at the unintentional pun, and Moira started barking, demanding her share of attention again.
===X===
End Notes:
I, Bloodsong Termagant aka Bloodsong13T, did hereby steal the name "Cutesy McFluffysnuggles" from Star Stable Online. i mean, come on... you can't possibly get a more pefectly cute name than that!!
(and no, i can't fix the font size... bah.) (or ba-a-ah, as the case may be!)
===X===
malcolm merlyn,
crack,
arrow fanfic,
john diggle,
arrow,
thea queen,
humor,
oliver queen