Death...
This is a difficult entry to write and it may be a bit morbid for some people's tastes, but it is something that i have only related in part to one person, and their advice was that i needed to talk about it more. I don't really feel that i can do that - so putting it in here is the nearest thing that i can come up with. I don't know if writing down what is in my head is going to help, but it is worth a try for the chance that it might.
I shall try not to garble this...
The best way to put it in short, is that i have this 'thing' about dying. Not in the morbid way of some people who 'look forward to it' because such sentiments are trendy or whatever, not in that way at all. Quite the opposite - i dread the idea. I am very aware of my mortality and the fact that i, like everybody else, will one day die. I think about it. Some nights i can't sleep because of thinking about it. I don't know what worries and upsets me more, knowing that i will die, or knowing that my family and friends and all the other people that i care about will, and probably before me. (This leading on to worries about being alone when i am old, exacerbated by the fact that i don't particularly want to have children).
I know that the sensible response to this is that i shouldn't think about it, i have acknowledged that it is inevitable, therefore i should put the time that i have available to me to better use than contemplating the end of it all. And anyone who say this would be right. But it doesn't make it possible, or at least not easliy.
From having talked briefly to my dad about it (he being the one person to whom i alluded earlier) i gathered that my primary concern is the 'not knowing' because death isn't the only context in which i find myself perturbed by this. I often find myself thinking, generally as i lie in bed waiting for sleep, of all the bad things that are yet to happen to me. I worry that one day i could be blind or lose a leg or arm or both, or be horribly disfigured in an accident, or have a stroke and be trapped in a body that cannot express my thoughts. Or that it could happen to someone that i love. Or anybody. Why do these things have to happen to anybody?
But they do happen. And again you could say that as such, i am wasting my time on such negative thoughts, as it is human nature to learn to deal with these things if and when they happen, not to waste entire days and nights pre-empting them. Again, you would probably be right.
I don't want to be like this. I don't like the thoughts that live in my head. They scare me and make me cry.
Sometimes i want to hide under my duvet with my books and stay there.
I asked one of my Christian friends about death once - i figured that it must be easier for him to contemplate, because he believed in heaven and death not being final. He said that this was only true to an extent, and that although in his mind heaven does exist, he, like many other Christians, worries that on the 'day of judgment' to use his words, he won't measure up.
I suppose everyone then has their fears and their own way of dealing with them. I just have to find my way.
I shall try not to garble this...
The best way to put it in short, is that i have this 'thing' about dying. Not in the morbid way of some people who 'look forward to it' because such sentiments are trendy or whatever, not in that way at all. Quite the opposite - i dread the idea. I am very aware of my mortality and the fact that i, like everybody else, will one day die. I think about it. Some nights i can't sleep because of thinking about it. I don't know what worries and upsets me more, knowing that i will die, or knowing that my family and friends and all the other people that i care about will, and probably before me. (This leading on to worries about being alone when i am old, exacerbated by the fact that i don't particularly want to have children).
I know that the sensible response to this is that i shouldn't think about it, i have acknowledged that it is inevitable, therefore i should put the time that i have available to me to better use than contemplating the end of it all. And anyone who say this would be right. But it doesn't make it possible, or at least not easliy.
From having talked briefly to my dad about it (he being the one person to whom i alluded earlier) i gathered that my primary concern is the 'not knowing' because death isn't the only context in which i find myself perturbed by this. I often find myself thinking, generally as i lie in bed waiting for sleep, of all the bad things that are yet to happen to me. I worry that one day i could be blind or lose a leg or arm or both, or be horribly disfigured in an accident, or have a stroke and be trapped in a body that cannot express my thoughts. Or that it could happen to someone that i love. Or anybody. Why do these things have to happen to anybody?
But they do happen. And again you could say that as such, i am wasting my time on such negative thoughts, as it is human nature to learn to deal with these things if and when they happen, not to waste entire days and nights pre-empting them. Again, you would probably be right.
I don't want to be like this. I don't like the thoughts that live in my head. They scare me and make me cry.
Sometimes i want to hide under my duvet with my books and stay there.
I asked one of my Christian friends about death once - i figured that it must be easier for him to contemplate, because he believed in heaven and death not being final. He said that this was only true to an extent, and that although in his mind heaven does exist, he, like many other Christians, worries that on the 'day of judgment' to use his words, he won't measure up.
I suppose everyone then has their fears and their own way of dealing with them. I just have to find my way.