HeavyHeart...
I have spent the day bimbling around doing not very much. I fiddled with my essay a bit, tried to do some character gen to take my mind off the big sadness that is brewing inside me. I have no idea why it is there, or where it is coming from, but it is very much there.
I don't know why i have this feeling today - but its not the first time, and i doubt that it will be the last. Its becoming more frequent as the days pass. Its sort of havy sadness, mixed with a sense of disappointment and underwhelmedness. I sit and stare out of the window during the day and wonder where my life is going, and why i have this life, why i can't see a way through everything that is going on around me.
I really feel like something fundamental is missing. Something that you don't miss day to day, but on occasions like this, you feel like you can't live without it.
I am also scared by the decisions ahead of me because i know that things that i have now will change whichever way i come to decide. I know that i hate my life lacking progression at the moment, but i know that when the time comes for me to move forward in my career, it may mean giving up Alan, or at least making the choice as to whether i trust him enough to make him a part of all the changes. After the mess of the last year, the prospect of having something like a mortgage with him is quite fightening, as if he messes up again, the threat to my security could be enormous.
I have too much to think about.
I don't know why i have this feeling today - but its not the first time, and i doubt that it will be the last. Its becoming more frequent as the days pass. Its sort of havy sadness, mixed with a sense of disappointment and underwhelmedness. I sit and stare out of the window during the day and wonder where my life is going, and why i have this life, why i can't see a way through everything that is going on around me.
I really feel like something fundamental is missing. Something that you don't miss day to day, but on occasions like this, you feel like you can't live without it.
I am also scared by the decisions ahead of me because i know that things that i have now will change whichever way i come to decide. I know that i hate my life lacking progression at the moment, but i know that when the time comes for me to move forward in my career, it may mean giving up Alan, or at least making the choice as to whether i trust him enough to make him a part of all the changes. After the mess of the last year, the prospect of having something like a mortgage with him is quite fightening, as if he messes up again, the threat to my security could be enormous.
I have too much to think about.