(no subject)
so...youre standing at a ledge...2 feet away from that rugged old long bridge. air is most certainly coming up between your toes. a glance could tell you most people have their backs turned. everyone assumes youre gonna take the extra 2 feet. not all steps can be taken alone.
so...binia turns 20...thats exciting for me. i feel like a little kid again cause im all excited these teenage years can finally be behind me. i am so imagining my birthday to be like when i was 10. the day i always woke up to a dozen balloons. when i would have at least a dozen people say happy birthday. and everything was about me. when id stay up til midnight the night before with my mom just so she could be the first to say happy birthday. then id stay up til midnight again counting every minute of whats left of my great day. the day id always have a dozen presents to open that were totally surprises. its not like these days when someone asks you what you want and thats exactly what you get. its never anything fun either. i always got my damn chocolate cake in the evening with my name on it. thats all i need...a cake with my name on it. the entire day actually felt special! i will even admit i wanted like 10 presents sitting in front of me all shapes and sizes.
anywho...i got like 2 happy birthdays. my husband...for the first time in 3 years is actually in the same state with me. he calls and tells me to go shopping. like i cant do that on any other day? i dont want to feel guilty buying my own presents. what kind of surprise is that? then i would just worry about how much i spent. he promised all day hed be home but not til late and only for a couple of hours. i tried not to get too much in the dumps about it. i just decided to secretly get excited. i was set for a late dinner when i got in the car to go pick him up. i wait in the parking lot after i find out hes going to be even later than late. its almost the kids bedtime here... only to find out the husband whos 10 miles away from me cannot show up on my birthday. it doesnt matter that every other year hes in iraq. he says sorry i got my hopes up. there were no hopes...i thought for sure...like what he said. so i spent all night crying and talking to my mom making very well known how upset i was. i ignored every one of his calls because once again hes not there. i worked myself up all day and even drove out there...to sit in a car.
i think i was so upset cause i know there was no making up for it. when i was a kid the entire month of july felt like my birthday. i will never again wake up to balloons or cake or presents...or even a good day. and lets face it...i married a typical guy who expects to get away with anything with taking me out to dinner. there will be no meaning...no romance...no creativity or sensitivity.
im just a kid at heart....
i just wish i could be okay but its hard for me to say im not disappointed or tormented by everything right now. im just kinda stuck here...at the same damn cliff.
so...binia turns 20...thats exciting for me. i feel like a little kid again cause im all excited these teenage years can finally be behind me. i am so imagining my birthday to be like when i was 10. the day i always woke up to a dozen balloons. when i would have at least a dozen people say happy birthday. and everything was about me. when id stay up til midnight the night before with my mom just so she could be the first to say happy birthday. then id stay up til midnight again counting every minute of whats left of my great day. the day id always have a dozen presents to open that were totally surprises. its not like these days when someone asks you what you want and thats exactly what you get. its never anything fun either. i always got my damn chocolate cake in the evening with my name on it. thats all i need...a cake with my name on it. the entire day actually felt special! i will even admit i wanted like 10 presents sitting in front of me all shapes and sizes.
anywho...i got like 2 happy birthdays. my husband...for the first time in 3 years is actually in the same state with me. he calls and tells me to go shopping. like i cant do that on any other day? i dont want to feel guilty buying my own presents. what kind of surprise is that? then i would just worry about how much i spent. he promised all day hed be home but not til late and only for a couple of hours. i tried not to get too much in the dumps about it. i just decided to secretly get excited. i was set for a late dinner when i got in the car to go pick him up. i wait in the parking lot after i find out hes going to be even later than late. its almost the kids bedtime here... only to find out the husband whos 10 miles away from me cannot show up on my birthday. it doesnt matter that every other year hes in iraq. he says sorry i got my hopes up. there were no hopes...i thought for sure...like what he said. so i spent all night crying and talking to my mom making very well known how upset i was. i ignored every one of his calls because once again hes not there. i worked myself up all day and even drove out there...to sit in a car.
i think i was so upset cause i know there was no making up for it. when i was a kid the entire month of july felt like my birthday. i will never again wake up to balloons or cake or presents...or even a good day. and lets face it...i married a typical guy who expects to get away with anything with taking me out to dinner. there will be no meaning...no romance...no creativity or sensitivity.
im just a kid at heart....
i just wish i could be okay but its hard for me to say im not disappointed or tormented by everything right now. im just kinda stuck here...at the same damn cliff.