(no subject)
sometimes asking for help is a little too much...
but its never okay to demand help.
twisted world where victims are scolded...
and the one person who is supposed to be there just sits there dumb.
sometimes you cant just "be happy"...
but im afraid not to be...
its like living lies then getting blamed for all those lies.
but everytime i open my mouth i get scolded.
im a grown up???
yes...i know my daughter always comes first.
so....now its some sort of crime that i take a little for me.
because apparently its a crime also to show someone youre really hurt.
its a crime to protect myself...to fight back.
its a crime to try and get rid of this mess in a healthy social way.
so when i break apart...you can tell me im insane
because you know that always makes me feel better.
its a crime to try and fix myself.
but thats impossible when im forced to keep everything in.
its all a joke or something to get around. its common? even if so...
someone who has never felt it has no place to talk.
but ive given up trying.
im convinced i will be gone forever by the end of the month.
and im convinced it just wouldnt matter.
because these people with so much common sense take a situation where a person has had constant abuse in her life and finally hit that ultra lowpoint to go back on them and twist everything on them. like what i say doesnt matter. never has. no one believes me. i build up everyrthing for so long and freak out...for what i think is a very just reason. because who denies me my daughter to pick up and hug while im crying? as if shes never seen me cry before! she sees me cry at every episode of army wives. so i got scared because i felt like anything could be taken away from me...even when im upset...my very life was denied to me. and no one even flinched. because when i cry...i just get yelled at, called names, hit or laughed at. i thought things changed but i just saw him stand there today and look at me hurt. looked directly at me...clearly freaking out. but in his head it wasnt justified because everything is always denied and turned back on me. its really hard to hear im abusive. from people who dont even know me. they can call me abusive and say at the same time all this shit thats not true. because this one asshole has power to take away everything from me. all i can think is i have to get away! it just makes soooo much sense to blame a person for acting this way. for responding naturally to all this pain....it makes so much sense to start yelling at them all these things out of emotion and blame them for dealing with the shit stupidly out of emotion. hypocrits. i just people could get it through their thick skulls.
but im a no one. you know...i cannot possibly explain how upset i am right now. veryy verry close to just ending it. no matter what i do...im wrong. but its so wrong to think about myself for once. im not girly. i dont do my nails or ask for anything. im a neat freak...but thats about it. yet, i will sit there and be called selfish, and immature and worthless....
its no good relationship to be in.
i just cant believe...i fell into this trap again.
but its never okay to demand help.
twisted world where victims are scolded...
and the one person who is supposed to be there just sits there dumb.
sometimes you cant just "be happy"...
but im afraid not to be...
its like living lies then getting blamed for all those lies.
but everytime i open my mouth i get scolded.
im a grown up???
yes...i know my daughter always comes first.
so....now its some sort of crime that i take a little for me.
because apparently its a crime also to show someone youre really hurt.
its a crime to protect myself...to fight back.
its a crime to try and get rid of this mess in a healthy social way.
so when i break apart...you can tell me im insane
because you know that always makes me feel better.
its a crime to try and fix myself.
but thats impossible when im forced to keep everything in.
its all a joke or something to get around. its common? even if so...
someone who has never felt it has no place to talk.
but ive given up trying.
im convinced i will be gone forever by the end of the month.
and im convinced it just wouldnt matter.
because these people with so much common sense take a situation where a person has had constant abuse in her life and finally hit that ultra lowpoint to go back on them and twist everything on them. like what i say doesnt matter. never has. no one believes me. i build up everyrthing for so long and freak out...for what i think is a very just reason. because who denies me my daughter to pick up and hug while im crying? as if shes never seen me cry before! she sees me cry at every episode of army wives. so i got scared because i felt like anything could be taken away from me...even when im upset...my very life was denied to me. and no one even flinched. because when i cry...i just get yelled at, called names, hit or laughed at. i thought things changed but i just saw him stand there today and look at me hurt. looked directly at me...clearly freaking out. but in his head it wasnt justified because everything is always denied and turned back on me. its really hard to hear im abusive. from people who dont even know me. they can call me abusive and say at the same time all this shit thats not true. because this one asshole has power to take away everything from me. all i can think is i have to get away! it just makes soooo much sense to blame a person for acting this way. for responding naturally to all this pain....it makes so much sense to start yelling at them all these things out of emotion and blame them for dealing with the shit stupidly out of emotion. hypocrits. i just people could get it through their thick skulls.
but im a no one. you know...i cannot possibly explain how upset i am right now. veryy verry close to just ending it. no matter what i do...im wrong. but its so wrong to think about myself for once. im not girly. i dont do my nails or ask for anything. im a neat freak...but thats about it. yet, i will sit there and be called selfish, and immature and worthless....
its no good relationship to be in.
i just cant believe...i fell into this trap again.