Bad Person
I feel terrible. I'm gonna turn into one of those people who loves their family, but refuses to ever talk to them again. I'm so tired of dealing with their drunk depression and guilt and their sorrow. I feel so selfish and mean and like i'm really gonna go to hell for all of this. I miss my mom too. More than they know. maybe it's the guilt and the blame i put on myself, but i dunno. I didn't wanna call my aunt back, i didn't think it would be any good. I'm drifting from my family, and i don't mind. well, not enough to do anything about it. I love my family. I do, i care and i want them to be better and stop fighting and just get the fuck over what ever issues they have with each other for the remaining time they have. but they won't. they'll never stop and i'm dealing with it. She got into a fight with my uncle, he's leaving and she starting crying and all i wanted to do was hang up. I'm not my mom. I don't even begin to have the strength to deal with all of it the way she did.
I'm losing reasons to stay in california. To stay in santa maria. All i have is shawn. And i know that i've drifted from the few friends i did have b/c of that. I got tired. I felt unappreciated. Like none of them care about how i feel. They all made me feel stupid for what i felt, a lot more than usual. And i blame myself, and not them, b/c i'm too much of a pussy to say anything about anything. B/c i don't like to bring light to what i do for a pat on the head. like they should know what i've done and they should let me know they appreciate it all the time. but i've drifted and i let it happen b/c i feel so childlike for feeling that way. i don't even know what i'm saying anymore.
i got into it with my dad and carmen the other night, no one wanted to give me a ride to work. 9 pm is a little late, but it was b/c of the rain. I just want them to stop treating me that way. i don't understand why driving a car is so fucking hard. i should fix mine, but it's so worthless. starter, tires, shocks, battery, spark plugs, oil change, oil and air filter and after all of that .... court dates, fines, registration, insurance, tags, gas.
I think i'm gonna try to get new years off. i think i wanna go to pasadena and just lay in my ninas arms. it's the closest i ever get to my mom. i already know shawn won't go with me. i feel foolish and dumb and girly and clingy for hating to be apart from him. what's wrong with me? it hit me the other day that i might just love him b/c i feel like no one in my family has ever loved me as much as he does. but i feel too strongly about him to believe that's true. i'm doubting everything right now. god i need a hug. i'm going to north carolina for 2 weeks in 3 months. i'm saying that b/c i want to do it. it's been a year since i've last seen marc. i need to see him. to be around him. get drunk. high. have fun. talk. i think shawn still thinks i'd love to be with marc. i don't think anyone gets that we could never be together. i'm "too young" and he's too complicated. two complicated people. he and i. what am i saying? i think i just might lose it this christmas. i really am starting to hate the holidays. Eight years in the making.
Good night. I love you.
I'm losing reasons to stay in california. To stay in santa maria. All i have is shawn. And i know that i've drifted from the few friends i did have b/c of that. I got tired. I felt unappreciated. Like none of them care about how i feel. They all made me feel stupid for what i felt, a lot more than usual. And i blame myself, and not them, b/c i'm too much of a pussy to say anything about anything. B/c i don't like to bring light to what i do for a pat on the head. like they should know what i've done and they should let me know they appreciate it all the time. but i've drifted and i let it happen b/c i feel so childlike for feeling that way. i don't even know what i'm saying anymore.
i got into it with my dad and carmen the other night, no one wanted to give me a ride to work. 9 pm is a little late, but it was b/c of the rain. I just want them to stop treating me that way. i don't understand why driving a car is so fucking hard. i should fix mine, but it's so worthless. starter, tires, shocks, battery, spark plugs, oil change, oil and air filter and after all of that .... court dates, fines, registration, insurance, tags, gas.
I think i'm gonna try to get new years off. i think i wanna go to pasadena and just lay in my ninas arms. it's the closest i ever get to my mom. i already know shawn won't go with me. i feel foolish and dumb and girly and clingy for hating to be apart from him. what's wrong with me? it hit me the other day that i might just love him b/c i feel like no one in my family has ever loved me as much as he does. but i feel too strongly about him to believe that's true. i'm doubting everything right now. god i need a hug. i'm going to north carolina for 2 weeks in 3 months. i'm saying that b/c i want to do it. it's been a year since i've last seen marc. i need to see him. to be around him. get drunk. high. have fun. talk. i think shawn still thinks i'd love to be with marc. i don't think anyone gets that we could never be together. i'm "too young" and he's too complicated. two complicated people. he and i. what am i saying? i think i just might lose it this christmas. i really am starting to hate the holidays. Eight years in the making.
Good night. I love you.