second college update.
so im back again. and this is the second update in such a short period of time. there have been some things that i just cant seem to get out of my mind recently, so i've decided to talk about them some more.
so basically it's about college and my life. i dont know what is going on with me, but i dont feel like i'm cut out for the college life. as of right now i have no interest whatsoever in meeting new people and making new friends. and that's not like me..i've always enjoyed learning about other people and learning their ways of living and whatnot. but recently i just have no desire to go out and talk it up with random people. i find it pointless, and i dont know why. i also have no interest in joining any clubs and activities, which is also definitely not like me. in high school i was pretty involved in both activities and sports, and now i dont have any motivation to go out and get involved around campus. i know i should, and that's what bothers me the most. i know it's wrong for me to feel like this, but i dont know what to do! i just want to come to school to go to classes and that's it. i have no interest in partying, either...which i thought would never happen! i dont know what to say, really, but this is how i feel. i dont want to be in school anymore. i mean, i dont mind coming here for classes, because i like my professors and i like the people in my classes, but thats about it. i dont really care to wander around campus and hang out with people i dont feel like i could ever know for life.
i look at other people's lives, and they seem so planned and straightforward. i wish mine was like that. i wish i could just start a job now and start living my life. i want to live on my own, pay my own bills, have my own job, yada yada yada. i want to have a steady boyfriend (hhmhh) but i know he doesnt feel that way right now. which sucks, because he's so perfect for me. and there are feelings there, and it could work out so well, but i understand where he's coming from, so its hard. and its even harder because i cant picture myself wanting to be with anyone else ever, which is a lot to be saying considering our circumstances. and i want to learn to be independent. i dont want to worry about having to go to classes and study and stuff like that. i want to know what i want to do with my life, too. im so unsure of everything; it bothers me so much.
ive always told younger kids to stop trying to grow up so fast, and that's exactly what i'm doing. im trying to rush my life instead of just sitting back and enjoying my four college years. but i dont know, its just how i feel right now. and i think part of it has to do with my friends right now. all i want to do is spend time with them and have fun. stay up late, have sleepovers, that kind of stuff. i think it finally hit me that after college, there's no time for play anymore, and so i want to fit in as much playtime as possible right now. and college gets in the way of my playtime. and i know thats not a good way to think/feel, but i can't help it. my god, my mom would scream at me if she read this! haha. but i still put my homework before my social time, which is good. i dont know, my mind is racing a million miles a minute. sdgjnhry. i dont know if this entry made any sense at all, and quite frankly, im too tired to read it over. ill edit later. peace out.
i hate doing something that i hate doing. if that makes any sense.