random update.
so first week of college has passed. not sure how i feel, still. but that'll all come later.
first topic: boy. so i can't seem to let go of something i shouldn't really be holding onto. i get such mixed signals, even though i know the outcome of them all. and it sucks. if you know we can't be together right now, don't act flirty and say things that will hurt me more than you'll ever know. ive never been so sure of a relationship such as this one, and i just want it to work. but since there are certain circumstances standing in the way, i know nothing will probably ever come from this so called friendship. but i hate that it's all i can think of. he's all i can think of. and if something goes wrong one night, the next time i see him - the negative feelings go away instantaneously. it's like a drug and i can't seem to stop the addiction. it sucks that all i want to spend my time doing is being around him - because he makes me happy without saying a word. the stares, the smiles - they hurt so bad. i know it's only been a few months, but the words that have been spoken and the time that has been spent has meant so much to me. more than anyone can understand.
with that said. i'll move onto the next topic: friends. college really does show you who your true friends are. those that try to keep in touch are the ones that will be there for you when you need them the most. and ive found my group of friends that i know i can trust. and i'm still going to make more friends, of course, and that's okay. but i know where my true friends are right now, and i know that i can lean on them whenever i need to. and the new friends that ive been hanging out on the weekends are so much fun and we have such a great time together. be jealous.
third topic: school. first week has passed and not much has been going on. havent really met too many people - just the people from my classes. i guess thats why ive been going home on the weekends -- no one is ever on campus. i guess they have jobs? i dunno. hopefully it'll get better, but as of right now i think i'll be living home next year. i dont really see the point in stayin on campus if all i ever wanna do after school is hang out with people who live five miles from my house. however, who knows if i'll still hang out with those people every weekend like i have been recently. times change, so we'll just have to wait and see. but i don't know if i'll be able to give up the freedom of being able to come home whenever i want and such. because i know im not going back to having a curfew. forget that! but maybe, just by some miracle, i'll be able to move into my brothers room if he gets an apartment. hah, who am i kidding? that'll never happen.
so for right now that's all i have to say ill probably update later with some quotes on how im feelin right now, cause i found a lot that express exactly what's going through my mind. however, roomies are here and i need to spend some time with them. peace out sukka.