HELLO PEOPLE! IT’S THAT TIME AGAIN…
This time around, I decided to snark YET another movie series that will have both Drew Barrymore AND Alyssa Milano in its sequels. That’s right guys, IT’S TIME FOR…
THE AMY FISHER TV MOVIES!!!
For those of you who might not know or be too young to remember; back in the early nineties, Amy Fisher gained notoriety and Z-List celebrity status when she shot Mary Jo Buttafuoco in the head. This event was a huge news story for many years, and even today it still is.
The reason for all the interest is because Amy was only seventeen years old at the time of the shooting and the victim, Mary Jo was married to a man that Amy said was her boyfriend for over a year, Joey Buttafuoco.
Amy stated that she was only sixteen when she met THIRTY-FUCKING-FIVE YEAR OLD auto mechanic Joey Buttafuoco and they started a sexual relationship; culminating in her shooting/trying to kill Mary Jo. Joey denied it for a while, but eventually was confronted with a motel receipt from before Amy was legal age and he pleaded guilty to statutory rape and served four months in ’93. FOUR FUCKING MONTHS FOR STAT RAPE IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT! SHE WAS SIXTEEN AND HE WAS FUCKING THIRTY-FIVE! THIS WENT ON FOR A FUCKING YEAR!
The actual shooting took place on May 19, 1992 and both parties say that Amy came over claiming that Joey was sleeping with her non-existent younger sister; showing Mary Jo a T-Shirt from the body shop Joey worked at. Then Mary Jo tried to walk away and this is where the story changes depending on what side’s telling it; Amy claims the gun just went off by accident and Mary Jo/Joey/ everyone else say that she was shot to kill.
Amy ended up plea bargaining down from attempted murder to first degree assault; which is some fucking BULLSHIT! Regardless of whether she shot or pistol whipped or the gun went off by accident; the fact remains: she had the gun, she intended to use it, it was loaded and a woman was shot. MY ASS IT’S ASSAULT; MY SNARKER ASS! AND JOEY CLAIMED HE HAD NO FUCKING CLUE SHE WAS GONNA DO IT, SHE SAYS HE DID…SO WHO THE FUCK KNOWS? CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT THIS ASSHOLE WAS HAVING SEX WITH AN UNDERAGE GIRL, I THINK HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON! WHERE’S HIS FUCKING JAIL TIME?
Doesn’t matter anyway, as the night before sentencing Hard Copy broadcast a ‘secretly videotaped’ conversation between Amy and her boyfriend, Paul Makely who worked at a gym. It basically showed Amy asking Paul to marry her so she could fuck in prison; because his ass couldn’t visit her unless they were married; and her talking about all the shit she was gonna buy now that she was probably make a fortune selling the rights to her story. Hard Copy refused to admit that Paul was the guy that sold them the tape and claimed that whoever it was, never got paid for it and I’m calling BULLSHIT on that too!
She ended up serving seven years of a five-to fifteen sentence; and that’s because the judge vacated her plea and shortened it. Amy’s been out on parole since 1999.
Mary Jo ended up with deaf in one ear and her face partially paralyzed from the gunshot and I truly feel that she’s the only one who can claim the word victim here. Thankfully, she divorced Joey in 2003; dunno why it took her that fucking long, but am happy she finally did.
This case was EVERYWHERE in the nineties; SNL/In Living Color and everyone else did fucking skits about it, and even the director of American Beauty, Alan Ball claims that the movie is ‘inspired’ by Amy’s story. Which if that’s true… EW!
So knowing that this was a potential cash-cow; THREE networks decided to make TV movies based on the case. NBC made the movie based on Amy’s side, CBS told Joey’s side and ABC told us the facts that the reporters knew and was told from a few people’s point of view. NBC’s came out first and CBS/ABC came out within the SAME NIGHT, and both had famous actresses playing Amy; Drew Barrymore was in the ABC and Alyssa Milano in the CBS movie.
*All info from Wikipedia and NY Times.com
First up:
The Amy Fisher Side of the Story.
Click to view
Noelle Parker as Amy;
Ed Marinaro as Joey;
Kathleen Laskey as Mary Jo;
And
Boyd Kestner as Paul Makely
*I don’t know any of these people except Noelle Parker and that’s only because I saw reviews of Ernest Saves Christmas. Plus, apparently she used to be McDreamy’s stepdaughter in real life.
We open with a text crawl saying that this movie is ‘a version of the truth’ and that the man Amy claims is ‘her partner Joey denies everything’; the whole sexual relationship, knowing she was gonna shoot Mary Jo and that he was involved in any planning at all’. THEN WHY THE FUCK DID HE END UP SERVING SOME TIME IF HE’S SO ‘INNOCENT’? YEA, IT WAS LESS TIME THAN FUCKING MARIJUANA POSSESSION GETS YOU, BUT STILL TIME!
The text crawl ends with this statement:
But don’t worry kids; BOTH WILL CONTINUE TO MILK EVERY LAST DROP OF MONEY THEY POSSIBLY FUCKING CAN OUT OF THIS CASH-COW, EVEN TWENTY YEARS LATER!
BUT AGAIN, STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME!!
We open on Amy’s bedroom, complete with stuffed animals and books. Amy’s standing around, looking all sad;
Then her beeper beeps 007, which we’ll find out later is Joey’s code;
And she calls him back. We only hear her side of the conversation, but since she says that she heard something about ‘The Mafia did it’; I’m gonna assume that they’re talking about Mary Jo getting shot.
Joey says that she wants to meet and talk to her; just talk and nothing else. She tells him she can’t right now and says that she loves him before she hangs up the phone and has another worried look on her face.
Then she runs downstairs, yelling to her parents about going for a run and gets in her car.
She drives off listening to the radio; and the cops start trailing her, sirens blaring. They pull her over and drag her out of the car, with her screaming/asking what she did;
Cut to Amy in jail, recording a message to her boyfriend Paul Makely;
DA FUCK JUST HAPPENED? HOW DID WE GET HERE? WHY IS SHE TAPE-RECORDING HERSELF?
Turns out, this is the framing device for the movie; Amy dictates into a tape recorder for Paul and we get flashbacks to show us what she's talking about. So the rest of the fucking movie bounces back and forth between Amy in jail, speaking into a fucking recorder and the actual story! FUCKING HELL, THAT’S SOME LAZY FUCKING WRITING RIGHT THERE!
Whatever, so she says that her lawyer told her not to talk to ANYONE; WHICH BITCH GIVES FUCK ALL ABOUT AND MAKES TAPES FOR PAUL; BECAUSE ‘HE’S THE ONLY ONE SHE COULD TRUST’! YEA, CONSIDERING WHAT ENDS UP HAPPENING LATER ON, SHE’S A FUCKING DUMBASS FOR TRUSTING PAUL! She goes on to say that she didn’t expect for Joey, the THIRTY-FIVE YEAR OLD MARRIED MAN, THE SAME ONE SHE’S CLAIMING TOLD HER TO SHOOT HIS WIFE; to betray her and FUCKING REALLY? YOU NEVER THOUGHT THAT, LIKE AT ALL?
She goes on to say that since her ass is in jail; she can’t connect anyone at all and he’s basically the one she’s having any sort of communication with, and that it doesn’t look good for her getting out anytime soon; not with a two million dollar bail. Amy also says that she has clue how she fucked up her life so bad and wonders if it started with the abuse her father did to her or if it was the fact her mother never stopped it; or if it really did start with Joey. It’s not a bad point to make; if her parents were abusive towards her, is that what really sent her into the downward spiral? TOO BAD NONE OF THE FUCKING MOVIES EXPLORE THIS! OH, WAIT… THEY TRY TOO, BUT IT’S BARELY MENTIONED!!! FUCKING HELL!!
Now we get a flashback of Amy at the body shop after fucking up her car and meeting Joey; who was a friend of her dad’s.
Amy’s dad tells her that if she ever needs the car fixed, to come see Joey. As they leave, Joey holds the door open for Amy; who’s totally smitten.
They leave, while Joey… BITES HIS FIST AND MAKES ORGASM SOUNDS ABOUT AMY? DA HOLY FUCK? AND HE DOES THIS EVEN AFTER HIS CO-WORKER TELLING HIM THAT AMY’S FUCKING JAILBAIT?
THAT’S FUCKING NASTY!!!
Then we get some voice-over from Amy saying that she didn’t see Joey for ‘months’ after that and we cut to Amy at school; walking with a guy I’m guessing is her boyfriend or someone who wants to be.
She does end up kissing him on the cheek and walks away to her friends; talking about the dude wanting to take her away for the weekend or something.
Cut to Amy having dinner with her friends and her father’s giving her shit about her pink/purple hair extension.
Which, I won’t lie… I SOOO wanted as a teenager!
Anyway, Amy’s father tells her that she looks like a slut; and that he’s worried about her future. She says that she goes to school every day and asks if she can leave the table; to which Dad says to use may not can and she ‘WHATEVA’S’ her way upstairs. Her parents sit there, arguing over whether or not Amy’s spoiled and how Mama really needs to act like her mother and not her friend. Mama’s all afraid that if she lays down the law; Amy will run away again and… WAIT A MINUTE!!
WHEN THE FUCK DID AMY RUN AWAY? WHY HASN’T BEEN BROUGHT UP BEFORE NOW AND WHY WEREN’T WE SHOWN IT?
(*Side note: This movie was based on Amy’s first book; Amy Fisher: My Story and I THINK that the reason for Amy running away are explained there, but I haven’t read the book in years; so I don’t remember. That being said… EITHER SHOW HER RUNNING AWAY OR DON’T FUCKING MENTION; BECAUSE IT DOES NOTHING TO ADVANCE THE PLOT AT ALL!)
Cut to Amy in her room, talking on the phone with her friend. She hears Dad coming in and quickly hang up and pretends to be asleep. There’s a somewhat creepy as fuck scene of Dad watching her sleep;
She rolls over to stare at him and he ends up walking out before anything could be said. Amy cries as he leaves. DA FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT? WAS IT SUPPOSED TO COME OFF CREEPY, SAD OR WHAT? WHY THE FUCK WAS I GETTING MALCOLM AND ALICIA FOXWORTH VIBES ALL OF A SUDDEN?
WE DON’T GET TO HEAR JACK OR SHIT ABOUT THAT SCENE THOUGH, INSTEAD WE GOT MORE CLIPS OF AMY RECORDING HER MESSAGES TO PAUL IN JAIL!
WHY HAVE ANY OF THE FAMILY BULLSHIT IN THE FUCKING MOVIE IF IT’S GONNA HAVE ANY EFFECT ON THE PLOT AT ALL? NO, IT’S MUCH MORE IMPORTANT TO HAVE AMY TELL PAUL THAT BESIDES HIM, THE ONLY OTHER PERSON SHE COULD TALK TOO AND COUNT ON WAS HER AUNT VIOLET! WHICH SAYS LOADS ABOUT HER FUCKING FAMILY IF THE ONLY OTHER PERSON SHE TRUSTS THAT MUCH, ENDED UP SELLING HER UP THE FUCKING RIVER WITH A GODDAMN VIDEOTAPE!
Cut to Amy complaining to Aunt Violet.
Which is a fucking AWFUL segue way! Seriously, Saved by the Bell did better segues into scenes than this shit!
Anyway, Aunt Violet is apparently the black sheep of the family and Amy asks to live with her for a while; because her family sucks and she wants out. Aunt Violet just tells her to suck it up for one more year and then she’ll be free.
Cut to Amy at Joey’s garage; where she’s asking for pin-striping on the door of her car;
She wants her name added too; but spelled AIMEE instead of AMY and in pink. Joey asks if pink as in HOT pink and I roll my eyes so hard, I nearly went back in time!
Then we get some more BAD innuendo like; ‘How hot do you want? Hot as you got. Sure you can handle it? Try me. You’re the boss.'
GOOD GOD MAN, STOP HITTING ON THE UNDERAGE GIRL!!
They end up in his office and Amy sees a pic of Mary Jo, asking if she’s Joey’s boss.
And Joey talks about how Mary Jo used to model and how she’s so beautiful and FUCK YOU! YOU WERE JUST HITTING ON A GODDAMN CHILD, I’M CALLING BULLSHIT THAT YOU GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT MARY JO AT ALL, ASSHOLE!
Then there’s more voice over from Amy that they were just ‘flirting’ and FUCKING EW!! THIS IS FUCKED UP! And we cut to Amy at the club with her friends, telling them she doesn’t want to dance. She rather go talk to some guy named Mick.
*Now, the first time I watched this… I thought this was an actor named Leo Rossi who’s been in a ton of things. But it’s actually an actor named Rino Romano; who not only was in this BATSHIT movie called The Club, which honestly was one of the reasons I started this blog and will review it soon… but he also did a fuck-ton of voice-over work! Get this… this guy played FUCKING TUXEDO MASK IN THE AMERICAN VERSION OF SAILOR MOON!!! I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING FOLKS!
Anyway, Amy ends up dancing with Tuxedo Mask and then we cut back to the body shop. Joey says that her car’s not ready and offers to drive her home.
Which his co-worker are nervous about and are basically internally calling a BULL and a SHIT on Joey actually returning within a fucking half-hour. As I am too, really. And Amy voice overs on how ‘THAT WAS THE DAY IT ALL CHANGED!’
They get to Amy’s;
Where they find no one home and Joey comes in, immediately asking to see the upstairs. FUCKING SERIOUSLY? AND THE FUCKING REASON HE GIVES FOR WANTING TO SEE HER ROOM IS THAT ‘YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT A WOMAN BY HOW SHE DECORATES!’ HEY ASSHOLE, SHE’S A FUCKING CHILD! (I KNOW AMY WAS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT WRONG FOR DOING WHAT SHE DID, BUT WHY DOES THIS DICKHEAD ALWAYS GET A FREE PASS FOR HAVING SEX WITH A GODDAMN TEENAGER?)
They go to Amy’s room and Joey says that her room is nice, even calling her a ‘beautiful princess’. He even starts to butter her up, asking if anyone ever told her she was ‘beautiful’ and I’m fucking GAGGING RIGHT NOW! Then the light kissing on the head and shoulder rubbing starts as he asks if… SHE BELIEVES IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?!
He goes in for a kiss; which she stops but then he pushes her to the bed and she gives in.
They start fooling around, with her looking nervous about the whole thing.
However, by the next scene… she’s all happy and calling her friends to brag about sleeping with Joey.
Cut to Joey and Amy getting on his boat; Double Trouble:
And they ride around on the boat, all cuddly and whatnot.
Then they go to dinner and Joey tells the Maitre D that Amy’s his girlfriend; EVEN THOUGH SHE’S CLEARY AN UNDERAGE GIRL AND THESE ASSHOLES KNOW JOEY’S FUCKING MARRIED!!!
WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG FOR ANYONE TO FIGURE THIS OUT SOONER AND ARREST HIS ASS?! OR FOR MARY JO TO FIGURE IT OUT, BECAUSE HE SURE WASN’T GIVING A FUCK WHO THE HELL SAW THEM TOGETHER!
Whatever, it’s a fancy place and Amy’s smitten. Especially once Joey points out some dude off screen to Amy and tells her that dude’s in the mafia; WHO JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE A FRIEND OF JOEY’S!
Joey goes to say that he *EXHALES LOUDLY* ‘lives for romance, love and sex and that he and Amy are MADE FOR EACH OTHER!’ DA HOLY FUCKING HELL?! He brings up love and when Amy doesn’t answer; he says that he’ll wait until she says it and he just wants her to know how she feels.
*Now this is Amy’s side of the story and she’s gone on record many times with saying that she was a dumb teenager that bought into Joey’s lies and that she was blinded by her feelings for him. That being said, NOTHING ABOUT THIS SET OFF BELLS IN HER HEAD AT ALL? OR HER FRIENDS OR ANYTHING? BECAUSE I’M GETTING THE SQUICKS REAL BAD OVER THIS!!
(THIS WHOLE THING WILL LOOK MORE AND MORE STUPID ONCE I GET INTO THE ‘WHERE ARE THEY NOW’ PORTION AND WHAT HAPPENED WITH AMY AND JOEY WHEN THEY MET UP AGAIN YEARS LATER! BUT I’LL GET MORE INTO THAT IN A FEW WEEKS!)
Then we see Amy at her job for a literal second, as she quits and walks off. Her friend asks what she’ll tell her father and she says she ‘won’t tell him’. SOO FUCKING POINTLESS! Then we cut to the pool hall with the two of them;
And friend asks how did Amy’s father took her quitting; to which Amy answers that he didn’t give a shit. Doesn’t matter, friend wants to know about Joey… oh I’m sorry, Amy says it’s JO-EE!
She tells friend that Joey’s… ‘out of high school’…by about EIGHTEEN FUCKING YEARS!! And this makes her friend make this face:
Which I would too, honestly!
But before we can hear her reaction to it; WE CUT TO AMY/JOEY GOING TO A MOTEL FOR A QUICKIE! Joey gets the key from the clerk; who says that an all night stay is only a few more dollars than a four hour one and it makes Joey give this face:
And get this shit… JOEY SIGNS THE BOOK WITH HIS REAL FUCKING NAME!!
AND IT TOOK A FUCKING YEAR TO CATCH ON TO THIS SHIT? FUCKING HELL!
Then Joey and Amy head to the room; with Amy saying that she thought going out was actually GOING OUT and not just a fucking sandwich and a quick screw in a motel. Amy, let me save you time… HE DOESN’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOU AT ALL! GUYS WHO JUST PULL A ‘PUMP AND DUMP’ NEVER DO! RUN NOW! But of course, I’m not a goddamn Time Lord and can’t alter history; so I’m still stuck watching this piece of shit. Fucking Shit.
Oh, and Amy has a beeper now for Joey to contact her with the code 007 and this way they can pretend they’re ‘secret agents’ and not just a fucking asshole getting his rocks off with a teenage hoe-bag.
Thank-fuck-fully, we get to skip the wretched sex and cut right to afterwards; and Joey gives Amy a gold necklace.
She wishes that she had money to get him something too; other than just pussy. I’m not even kidding, Joey says she could give some more booty and she says she means something other than sex.
However, since she quit her job a few scenes ago; there’s no money. WHATEVER SHALL SHE DO?
Cut back to Amy in jail, recording her message to Paul and mentioning that it ‘felt good to be loved’.
Then we cut to Amy driving to her friend’s house, where Joey had flowers delivered to her.
Amy’s all happy about it, but the friend says that Joey’s ‘sleazy’ and THANK YOU! SOMEONE FINALLY FUCKING SAID IT! But Amy ain’t hearing that shit, because she really loves her and they have amazing sex. YEA, BUT HE ONLY TAKES YOU TO MOTELS AND TO DELI’S; THIS ISN’T FUCKING LOVE!
Then Amy goes to her Aunt Violet’s to talk about Joey and… WAIT A MINUTE!
AUNT VI FUCKING FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS SHIT AND NOT ONLY DIDN’T TELL THE COPS OR AMY’S PARENTS; SHE JUST WAS OKAY WITH A GROWN ASS, MARRIED MAN DATING HER UNDERAGE NIECE? OH MY ASS, SHE DID! MY SNARKER ASS!
She does tell Amy that her friends are right about not seeing Joey and tells her that she ‘needs to protect herself’. And Amy thinks that she means in the birth control sense and tells Aunt Vi that Joey had a vasectomy.
YOU DO KNOW THAT YOU CAN STILL GET AN STD FROM HIM EVEN IF HE’S HAD A VASECTOMY, RIGHT? AND HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW IF HE REALLY HAD ONE OR IF HE’S JUST LYING TOO YOU, YOU WEREN’T THERE?!
Aunt Vi says that she meant ‘emotionally ready’ and that Amy should really be talking to her parents about this or she will. Then Amy pulls the old ‘You told me I could come to you with anything and you wouldn’t tell anyone, so please don’t’ BULLSHIT and so Aunt Vi swears not to tell. AND DOESN’T!! I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING, VI NEVER TELLS THE COPS, THE PARENTS, A PRIEST OR ANYONE ELSE!! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? Vi does tell Amy that Joey seems ‘sick and strange’, but Amy rather know if Joey really loves her, to which Vi says ‘it’s not that simple’.
CAN’T BELIEVE THAT I REALLY NEED TO KEEP SAYING THIS; BUT HE DOESN’T LOVE HER! HE’S A GROWN ASS MAN AND SHE’S A TEENAGER THAT HE WANTS TO FUCK! HE’S A CREEPER AND LOVE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! AUNT VI SHOULD RUN TO HER PARENTS AND THE FUCKING COPS TO ARREST JOEY, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
Anyway, we cut back to jail and Amy saying that she was having fun with Joey. She says that she felt good with him, but that underneath she still had doubts.
Then, we cut to dinner with Joey, Amy and some of his friends.
And the guys say that they hope Amy’s eighteen and FUCKING REALLY? DOES SHE LOOK EIGHTEEN TO YOU ASSHOLES? CALL THE FUCKING COPS!
Amy and Joey go to the boat and she asks him if she’s only sex to him;
And that Aunt Vi was right about him… leaving Joey to grab her arm and tell her to keep her mouth shut about them.
They get on the boat and Joey starts acting sweet to her now, with her saying that all he wants is the booty and that’s why he’s acting nice now. She wants to be more than sex and know about his life. She tells him that she loves him and wants to know what the story is with Mary Jo. Turns out that Joey and her were high school sweethearts and that twenty years of being with someone is a long ass time. Then some BULLSHIT is sprouted from Joey about how ‘he picked Amy for being a beautiful, smart, young, and sexy woman that knows how to live’. Then they kiss;
And Amy says that they need to stop… BECAUSE OF A BURNING SENSATION? JESUS CHRIST, THIS IS WHY YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO USE CONDOMS! FUCKING HELL! Joey doesn’t care though, he says it’s ‘probably a rash’ or something. HEY ASSHOLE, YOU DO REALIZE THAT EVEN IT’S POSSIBLE YOU HAVE THE ‘RASH’ TOO AND COULD BE SPREADING IT TO MARY JO, RIGHT?!
Then we cut to Amy getting bitch slapped across the couch by her father. So… I’m guessing he found out about the ‘rash’? Amy gets mad that Mom dared tell him about THE HERPES? FUCK, SHE HAS HERPES NOW? YOU DO KNOW THAT’S NOT CURABLE RIGHT? AND GET THIS SHIT, AMY FISHER’S NOW A PORN STAR WITH NO CONDOM USE!
Amy tells her parents that she lied about Joey being the one who gave her the herpes; because she figured that they liked him and she didn’t think anything would come of it. YEA, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHO THE FUCK SHE SAID GAVE HER HERPES; I WOULD THINK WHEN A TEENAGE GIRL TELLS HER PARENTS THAT A GROWN ASS MARRIED MAN SLEPT WITH HER, IT WOULD CAUSE A BIT OF A REACTION! BUT IT’S HANDLED STUPIDLY!
Cut to Joey FUCKING BRAGGING ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH AN UNDER AGE GIRL; and he gets a phone call from Amy. Then we see Amy’s mom driving to the garage and ends up… CATCHING HER DAUGHTER IN JOEY’S OFFICE, SITTING ON HIS DESK?!
THIS DOESN’T MAKE THE MOTHER WORRY NEARLY ENOUGH AS SHE SHOULD, BECAUSE AMY LIES ABOUT GETTING HER CAR FIXED FROM AN ACCIDENT! FUCKING HELL, THE EVIDENCE WAS RIGHT THERE! YOU DUMBASS!
Amy’s mother tells Joey to come over to the house to clear up the mess; and once there, Amy admits that she lied. Joey gets pissed off and basically LIES HIS FUCKING ASS OFF about ‘never abusing trust, she’s only sixteen and that Amy probably just has a crush on him.’
They do ask why Joey lets her hang around so damn much and he vows to send her home if she comes around again. AND THEY BUY THIS! DAD EVEN SHAKES HIS HAND AND TELLS HIM HE’LL KEEP SENDING HIM BUSINESS! DA FUCK?
Amy walks him to the door and Joey tells her that they need to cool it for a bit.
And Amy’s mom says that she knows they’re dirty fucking liars and dad says that there’s nothing they can do about it. WHAT.DA.HOLY.FUCK? THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT KNOWING THAT YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER IS SLEEPING WITH A GROWN ASS MAN? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? NO, ALL THEY COME UP WITH IS THAT ‘THEY NEED TO KEEP THEM AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!’ FUCKING SHIT!
Cut to Amy in jail again, talking about how she had a ten p.m. curfew and wasn’t allowed to go near the shop anymore, leaving her with nothing to do.
Then we cut to Amy in a car with Tuxedo Mask;
He’s pretending to be her boyfriend, so she now can go to the shop without questions. Once there, Joey comes over, under the guise of talking about the car and they go into the office.
Once he finds out that she’s using Tuxedo Mask as a cover, he calls her crazy and they talk about how much they miss each other. They decide to meet up at a church carnival Joey’s taking his kids too, but Amy has a better idea.
Which we don’t get to hear about, because we cut to Amy in her bedroom and her mom comes in. They talk about Amy getting a new car because she totaled the old one, and when mom leaves… Amy does that thing that EVERY FUCKING TEENAGER DID IN MOVIES: REMOVE HER ROBE TO SHOW SHE ACTUALLY WAS DRESSED AND SNEAKS OUT THE WINDOW!
Cut back to jail, with Amy talking about her new car and how she needed a job to pay for half of it. And Joey told her about an FUCKING ESCORT JOB SHE CAN DO, AND HOW IT JUST INVOLVED HER DRESSING UP AND GOING TO FANCY PLACES; MOST LIKELY WITH FRIENDS OF HIS! MOTHERFUCKER, DID YOU JUST FORGET SHE’S ONLY SIXTEEN? BECAUSE I’M VERY SURE THAT’S ILLEGAL! AND ALSO THAT SHE HAS AN STD THERE’S NO CURE FOR?
Then we cut to them at the motel and Amy’s wearing the fucking auto-body shirt of Joey’s, which will become an important plot point in a just a bit.
He says that she looks good in his shirt, it looks good on him. She asks Joey if it’ll bother him that she’s about to start fucking other people for money. But of course it doesn’t, because to him ‘SEX IS WITH THE BODY, MAKING LOVE IS WITH THE MIND!’ AND I ROLL MY EYES SO GODDAMN HARD; I NEARLY HEADDESKED AND BROKE MY FUCKING DESK! Asshole goes on to say that he doesn’t give a shit what she fucking does, as long as there’s no kissing and ‘he’s the only one that she loves’. WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS BECOME PRETTY WOMAN?!
Amy’s not happy about the recent turn of events though, she’s worried about her parents finding out and Joey insists that they won’t get caught. He tells her that her parents’ only need to know what she tells them and that she should ‘live on the edge more’ AND I THINK SHE’S DONE THAT ENOUGH, THANKS! Then OUT OF NOWHERE; Amy asks if she’s the first one that Joey’s ever had an affair with. He says that it’s really not a big fucking deal to be getting some ass one the side, ‘not as long as you love someone else.’ DA FUCK, DUDE? IT SAYS TO ‘LOVE, HONOR, CHERISH, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS’ IN THE VOWS; ASSHOLE! IF YOU WANTED AN OPEN MARRIAGE OR WHAT HAVE YOU, THEN YOU SHOULD’VE ADDED THAT LINE IN THE DAMN VOWS!
Amy feels differently though, but he tells her that ‘as long as she loves him and no one gets hurt’; she can TOTALLY FUCK ANOTHER GUY!
But she only wants to be with Joey, but he says that she loves sex. Amy asks what the fuck she even is to him and dude proceeds to LIE HIS FUCKING ASS OFF; about how she’s his everything and if there was no Mary Jo, no kids and he wasn’t Catholic…. He’d be with her!
Then we cut to Amy knocking on a motel door and meeting a john.
GUESS THE TALK WORKED!!
Cut back to jail and Amy says that she needed the money and that’s why she took the job. Whatever.
Then we’re in the girls’ bathroom, where Amy’s telling all the bitches that she’s making a hundred bucks an hour as an escort. And Blonde Bitch that WAS JUST HER FRIEND A FEW SCENES AGO; is baffled by Amy’s descent into hooker. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED, DID BLONDIE JUST STOP TALKING TO HER? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!
And Amy’s all; ‘I’m an escort, not a hooker!’ Uh… sweetie; IF YOU’RE CHARGING A GUY FOR SEX, THAT’S HOOKING! THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND A STREET WALKER IS A FUCKING CORNER SPOT AND YOU GET MORE MONEY, MOST LIKELY!
Amy denies that she has sex with the johns; but does eat dinner at nice restaurants with smart men. Yea, we’ve seen where you go on dates Amy; AND IT AIN’T A FUCKING RESTAURANT!
Cut to Tuxedo Mask and Amy driving in a car;
And he asks how Joey feels about her hooking for cash; and she says that he ‘makes sure she wears condoms’ and it’s not a big deal. She’s in control and she doesn’t even have sex with most of the guys.
Back in jail, Amy says that wasn’t true at all; she slept with all her clients and that she never felt clean, not even after showering. And that Joey liked to hear about all the guys she was hooking with. Then we cut back to Amy/Tuxedo in the car, and she’s outside Joey’s house now.
Tuxedo sees Mary Jo getting into a car and Amy asks if she’s prettier.
Dude has no idea how to answer that and Amy goes on and on about how she ‘CAN’T WAIT TILL MARY JO’S GONE’ and dude rightfully gets freaked the fuck out.
Cut to Amy and her friend at the mall; and they’re discussing ways to kidnap/kill Mary Jo. SERIOUSLY, THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE DOING! AND THIS DOESN’T FREAK THE FRIEND OUT AT ALL!
Instead nameless friend tells Amy to man up and actually ‘take control’ with the relationship. Then we cut back to the motel;
And Amy telling Joey that she feels like a piece of meat and that he really loves Mary Jo. She even says that the motels are getting worse all the time and she’s sick of it. He tells her that he loves her, but ‘God Forbid anything should happen to Mary Jo.’
Then Amy tells him she wants him to get a divorce or it’s over; which pisses Joey off and he walks out, because HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU, AMY!
Back at Amy’s house, her mom checks on her;
And Amy asks her mom what ‘she would say about a girl being in love with an older man that loved her and then broke up’ and OF COURSE, MOM ASKS IF THIS IS HYPOTHETICAL AND SAYS THE CHICK IS LUCKY TO BE FREE OF THAT ASSHOLE, ALTHOUGH SHE MIGHT NOT FEEL THAT WAY WITH HER HEART BROKEN!
SERIOUSLY WITH THIS SHIT?! MOM’S NOT GONNA CALL THE COPS AT ALL, OR CONFRONT JOEY OR ANYTHING? AMY HAS JUST ADMITTED SHE AND JOEY WERE ‘IN LOVE’! FUCKING WHAT THE FUCK WITH THIS SHIT?!
WE DON’T GET TO HEAR THE REST OF THAT SHIT THOUGH! INSTEAD WE CUT TO AMY EATING WITH HER FRIENDS!
CAUSE THAT’S SOO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT!!
Anyway, the friends tell her to… PLAY HARD TO GET WITH JOEY?!
NOW THEY’RE ALL ON TEAM JOEY?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT? AND AMY HAS A PLAN?
GET THIS SHIT, THE PLAN’S TO GO TO HIS HOUSE, RING THE FUCKING BELL AND WHEN MARY JO ANSWERS…. PRETEND TO BE SELLING CANDY FOR SCHOOL?
DA FUCK IS THE POINT OF THAT? And when Mary Jo refuses, Amy convinces her to buy one and then runs off to her friend’s car; talking about how Mary Jo’s old as shit and how Joey can have her ass.
Cut back to jail and now she’s saying that Joey never called her again. Uh… YOU BROKE UP WITH HIM! She goes on to say that the next few months were great, she went away with her mom, got her college applications done and everything was peachy fucking keen. Then when school started again, GUESS WHAT? JOEY FUCKING BEEPS HER WITH THE 007 NUMBER!
AND SHE ACTUALLY GOES TO MET HIM!
He approaches the car, asking where the fuck she thinks she’s going and when she answers home; he says ‘WE ARE HOME!’
They get into the hotel room, he gives her a nightie and they proceed to the foreplay. During which, she asks why he broke up with her and HONEY, YOU BROKE UP WITH HIM! I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I HAVE THE FUCKING MOVIE OPENED ON YOUTUBE AS I TYPE THIS SHIT OUT; FUCKING JACKASS!
Then she asks when she’ll be able to see him again, and he says he will when he can. He tells her that she needs a fucking life; and that she should hang out with her girlfriends or even workout with a trainer. AND GUESS WHAT? HE JUST HAPPENS TO KNOW ONE NAMED… PAUL MAKELY!!
THAT’S RIGHT KIDS, ALMOST AN HOUR INTO AN HOUR AND A HALF MOVIE… AND WE FINALLY GET TO SEE THIS PAUL SHE’S BEEN CHATTING WITH THROUGH TAPE RECORDER!!
We get to the gym and Paul’s arguing with someone before he goes to train Amy; flirting all the while.
Dude even presses against her as she works out, and there’s grinding and shit going on. FUCKING EWW!
He takes her up to his office and tries to seduce her.
She stops him and asks WHAT HIS WIFE WILL SAY? FUCKING HELL, HE’S MARRIED TOO? I MEAN, HE SAYS HE JUST LIVES WITH THE GIRL; BUT STILL! AND THERE’S SOME BULLSHIT ABOUT HOW ‘THEY HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING’ AND HOW ‘THEY EACH LIVE THEIR OWN LIVES’ AND BULLSHIT! I KNOW OPEN RELATIONSHIPS ARE A THING, BUT I’M STILL CALLING BULLSHIT ON THIS!
Then we cut to the mall, with Amy and her friends that are all telling her that she needs to dump Joey because he’s a ‘sleazy asshole who will only dump her again’. DIDN’T WE ALREADY HAVE THIS CONVERSATION LIKE EIGHT OTHER TIMES? WHEN THIS BECOME THE GODDAMN ROOM ALL OF A SUDDEN?!
The we cut back to the gym, where Joey’s coming in;
REALLY GUYS, FUCKING REALLY? JUST HAD TO MAKE HIM LOOK STEREOTYPICAL, DIDN’T YOU? THE FACT THAT HE WAS A PERVERTED ASSHOLE WASN’T ENOUGH? WHY THE FUCK DOES HE LOOK LIKE AN EXTRA FROM THE JERSEY SHORE?!
Whatever, so Joey goes up to Paul asking about Amy joining the gym. Paul says that he has her on a ‘PERSONAL PROGRAM’!
YEA, I’M SURE YOU DO! But Joey APPARENTLY HAS NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT’S GOING ON; and says that Amy sure needs it.
Then we see Amy at the diner, talking to her friend about Paul and how Joey’s jealous of them. Then back at the gym, Paul and Amy are headed out; when Joey beeps her and she ignores it.
They get to Paul’s place and Amy asks where the bedroom is; Paul says that it’s upstairs but his girlfriend sleeps in it and he sleeps in a guest room. He says that she’s still seeing Joey as well, but she denies it. She tells Paul that she and Joey are friends with no sex and that she ‘won’t let Joey get any.’
Then we cut back to a motel and GUESS WHAT KIDS; AMY AND JOEY ARE IN BED TOGETHER!
Joey asks if she’s banging Paul and she says no, but asks if he would mind if she was. ‘With your body or mind?’ FUCKING HELL, NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN! She asks if it matters and Joey mentions that Paul does/sells steroids. DA FUCK, WHY DIDN’T THAT COME UP EVER? They talk a bit about marriage and Joey says he rather be with her, with no marriage.
Cut back to jail, with Amy talking about how much she wanted a life with Joey and that it ‘was easy.’ Cut back to the gym with Amy and Paul talking about taking a shower together and then they go into his office for some hanky panky.
He says he has a surprise for her; it’s a porn! AND HE WANTS TO VIDEO TAPE THEM HAVING SEX TOO! GEE, I WONDER IF PAUL SECRETLY VIDEO TAPING AMY WILL COME INTO PLAY LATER ON!
Then we see Amy back at the diner; talking to her friends about Joey AND Paul. The friend tells her to dump Joey and Amy says she can’t. Amy brings up that the friend isn’t dumping her cheating boyfriend either, to which the friend says that ‘if she ever catches the whore he’s fucking on the side, she’s shooting her.’ Amy wonders how the fuck the girl knows where to get a gun and the girl says ‘not to get ideas’. Amy says that ‘it’s time to take control’ and the friend thinks it’s a joke.
Back at jail, Amy wonders if she ‘really wanted Mary Jo dead’ and IF YOU TOOK A LOADED FUCKING GUN TO HER HOUSE TO THREATEN HER WITH; YOU TOTALLY FUCKING DID! She goes on to say that she had no clue what she wanted; Paul or Joey.
Cut back to the gym and she asks Paul if it’s true about what Joey said; ‘making love with the body or mind’ and tells Paul that she’s not seeing Joey anymore.
He’s not buying that shit though and says that he knows all about her escorting and that everyone’s talking about it. She claims that she doesn’t do that anymore, at least the sex part. Then Joey beeps her and she tells Paul that the only reason Joey does that is because he’s pissed that they broke up and wants to keep tabs on her all the time. They decide that since Paul’s still living with his girlfriend, Amy could see other guys too; which NO SHIT!
Then we cut to Amy and her friend pulling up to meet A FUCKING HITMAN, OF ALL THINGS!
And she tells him that she wants Mary Jo and he tells her that he’ll call her when he finds someone to do it. She tells him to find someone ‘with guts.’
Then we see Amy and Paul at some cabin; talking about how Joey TOTALLY LOVES AMY AND IF IT WASN’T FOR MARY JO, THEY’D SOOO BE TOGETHER! BUT NOW SHE WANTS TO BE WITH PAUL OR SOME SUCH SHIT, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE POINT OF ALL THIS IS!!
Then we see Joey, pulling up in front of the motel and meeting Amy. He’s mad that she didn’t call him back and they argue about Paul and not having sex; then she says she’s still mad about Mary Jo. This leads to Joey throwing her on the bed, making her say that she loves him and tells her that’ll they be together always and they proceed to the banging.
Back at the gym; Paul tells Amy that her dad called threatening to call the cops for sleeping with his daughter and WHAT THE FUCK? HE DID THAT AND HE CAN’T CALL THEM ABOUT JOEY SLEEPING WITH HER? Oh, Amy says that the reason her did that was because she threatened to run away with Paul. FUCKING HELL! Paul tells her that he’s mad that she lies like a fucking rug about Joey and so does Joey about her. He tells her to get rid of Joey and she asks if that means he’ll stay with her.
She says that she wants a better relationship than the one she has with Joey; to love her and treat her well.
Back at jail, she says that she loves Paul and wonders what would’ve happened if her life had been different and she was able to be with him.
Then we see the hitman, who agrees to kill Mary Jo for only 800 dollars and he says that the hit will be done in two days; he’ll beep her when it’s finished. Also, he wants her to steal license plates for the car.
Then we see Amy and Joey in the garage’s office;
And through a voiceover, she reveals that she told him about the shooting; which he’ll end up denying later on. But she claims that when she told him, he was all happy about her apparently giving enough of a shit about him to FUCKING KILL HIS WIFE! I COULDN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP IF I TRIED, PEOPLE! Then she says that Joey told her to be safe, asking her if she was ‘strong enough to do this.’ She talks about how she never thought Joey would let anything bad happen to her.
Then we see Amy in class, doodling what her name would be if she married Joey:
And the hitman beeps her; because it’s the day of the hit. We cut to Amy and the guy pulling up; and now dude says he can’t do it and that Amy has to.
He gives her his hat and she puts her hair up into it to disguise herself;
Then he gives her the gun and tells her just to aim it correctly and shoot.
Amy runs to the house and rings the bell. Mary Jo comes out and Amy looks really scared about the whole thing.
Amy asks if she’s married to Joey and lies about Joey sleeping with her sixteen year old sister;
And Mary Jo doesn’t believe her at all. She ends up catching Amy in a lie about where she’s from and wants to know what’s really going on. Amy tells her that it’s completely true and that a ‘forty year old man sleeping with a sixteen year old is disgusting’; to which Mary Jo says this dumbass line, ‘HE’S NOT FORTY YET!’ ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THAT’S REALLY WHAT YOU JUST PICKED UP FROM THAT STATEMENT, NOT THAT YOUR HUSBAND WAS BANGING A TEENAGER; BUT THAT HE’S NOT FUCKING FORTY? SO THIS IS SOMEHOW OKAY OTHERWISE?
Amy shows her the auto body T-Shirt Joey gave her and Mary Jo’s still refusing to believe it; saying that it’s not even Joey’s size. Uh… a girl came to your house saying that your husband was sleeping with her kid sister; SHOW SOME FUCKING CONCERN!
Mary Jo says that it doesn’t matter anyway; a bunch of people have the shirt and then she asks if Amy’s ‘Bobby Zola’s daughter’. DA FUCK? WHO’S BOBBY ZOLA? Amy ends up fidgeting around and takes the cap off , playing with her hair. Mary Jo calls Amy a ‘lying, little bitch’ and says that Joey would never do something like that and Amy tells her that she doesn’t have a fucking clue what the fuck her husband’s really like. Then Mary Jo kicks her off the property; that she’s calling Joey to discuss this, leaving Amy with this face:
And then she takes out the gun, FUCKING PISTOL WHIPPING MARY JO WITH IT!
THAT’S RIGHT GUYS, AMY NEVER ‘SHOT’ MARY JO; SHE PISTOL WHIPPED HER WITH IT AND IT ‘ACCIDENTLY’ WENT OFF!
So Mary Jo gets shot and lands on top of Amy;
And Amy shoves her off and FUCKING RUNS TO THE CAR, WHERE THE DUDE TELLS HER NOT TO FORGET THE GUN OR SHIRT! The neighbors run to check on Mary Jo and Amy and the dude speed away.
Amy gives the dude the gun and she’s about catatonic and covered with blood;
The dude tells her they have to get rid of the gun.
Then we cut to Joey getting the call about Mary Jo and pulls up as she’s being airlifted to the hospital.
Leaving Joey to chase after the helicopter.
Amy gets home;
And wanders upstairs while her dad’s sleeping on the couch. She calls her friend to tell her what happened and then washes the blood off in the shower. When the girl gets there; Amy’s in the bathroom and there’s blood everyfuckingwhere:
Amy tells her the whole story and says that she thinks Mary Jo’s dead. Friend tells Amy to lie down and not to talk to ANYONE! FUCKING REALLY? SHE SHOULDN’T TURN HERSELF IN OR JOEY IN OR ANYTHING? NO, THE BEST COURSE IS TO ACT LIKE NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED!
AND IT GETS WORSE, BECAUSE THE FRIEND SAYS THAT SINCE MARY JO GOT SHOT IN THE HEAD; SHE’LL END UP DYING AND ‘IT’LL BE LIKE A BAD DREAM!’
SERIOUSLY; SO THE POOR WOMAN DIES FOR NO REASON AND AMY’S GONNA ACT LIKE NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED?! FUCKING HELL!
Back at jail; she continues to talk to Paul and says that she’ll probably be in jail forever. Well, seven years; give or take. And how she’s pissed about Joey being able to walk free; and that’s true WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T HE DO MORE JAIL TIME? FOUR FUCKING MONTHS, MY ASS! She goes on to say that she passed the lie detector; WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN ADMISSIBLE IN COURT AND DOESN’T MEAN JACK SHIT!
She also brings up that she knows about his moles on his inner thigh and you’d think that would come to something, but NO! Then Amy says that she felt that since Mary Jo was ‘dismissing her’, that’s why she ‘pistol whipped’ her and that’s she’s sorry. YEA, I’M SURE THAT BRINGS HER COMFORT; BITCH!
The last couple of minutes in the movie are Amy saying that she’s sorry about ‘all the pain she caused’ and how Joey’s ‘the worst thing that ever happened to her but she STILL FUCKING LOVES HIM!’ FOR SOME REASON!
Then we get the text scroll again; this time saying that Mary Jo’s permanently disfigured; Joey’s (at the time the movie came out); still denying that he did anything wrong and that the DA wasn’t filing charges against him and that while Amy was on bail; Paul videotaped her without her knowledge/consent and ending up selling the tape to Hard Copy. Well, they don’t say it’s Paul that sold the tape; they claim not to know who did it, BUT COME ON! IT WAS SO FUCKING PAUL! Then we hear that Amy (again, at the time); plead guilty and was serving five to fifteen in NY for reckless assault.
Although Noelle Parker did an okay job and she even looks the most like Amy out of all the actresses that played her; THIS MOVIE SUCKED! IT MAKES IT LOOK LIKE AMY HAD NO CLUE WHAT WAS GOING ON AND THAT JOEY’S TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING! MAKE NO MISTAKE; A GROWN ASS ADULT HAS NO RIGHT TO BE SLEEPING WITH A FUCKING TEENAGER AT ALL AND HE SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE TIME IN JAIL FOR THE STAT RAPE! IT’S COMPLETE BULLSHIT THAT JOEY DID SO LITTLE TIME!
AMY’S NOT FUCKING INNOCENT EITHER, SHE TRIED TO KILL A WOMAN! EVEN IF YOU WANT TO SAY THE GUN ‘ACCIDENTLY WENT OFF’; SHE STILL BOUGHT A LOADED GUN TO THE HOUSE WITH THE INTENT TO HARM MARY JO!
That’s all for now guys, next time its more Golden Girls! Then Part 2 of our Amy Fisher TV Movies!