THE SNARK WAS SO BIG, I HAD TO BREAK IT DOWN INTO PARTS! HERE'S THE AMY FISHER STORY, PART 2!
HERE'S PART TWO OF THE AMY FISHER STORY!
Then we see the police escorting Amy back to their car;
And we see both lawyers giving press conferences about the case. The prosecutor even throws in the information about the police report Amy’s father made at the beginning of the movie; TOLD YOU THAT WAS GONNA BITE YOU IN THE ASS BUDDY!
Back at jail, Amy sits down for a visitor that we don’t see yet and there’s a flashback to her hooking with a john. She gives the price as $185 dollars, but dude says that the booty’s not worth that much and wants the price 35 dollars less. She asks if he’ll give her his AWESOME Aerosmith jean jacket; she’ll actually take off 50 and they make a deal.
Back at her house, she feeds her dog as her dad watches.
Then at school, her beeper goes off as she sleeps in class and later on; she meets with a john at a motel. She tells the guy to just get in touch with HER and not the service; this way he’ll save money. Dude tries to kiss her, she says no and then we cut back to the prison, where we see the visitor’s her mom. Amy just gets up and leaves; while we hear the other inmates talking smack about her.
Then we cut to Joey at home and he’s listening to Howard Stern as he makes lunch for his kids. There’s man claiming to be his gardener on the show; claiming that he caught Amy and Joey banging in the pool a lot. Joey walks over to his garden and GUESS WHAT?
THERE’S NO FUCKING POOL! This leads to Joey calling in and LYING HIS FUCKING ASS OFF! HE LIES ABOUT BEING FAITHFUL AND HOW ‘HE’D DIE WITHOUT MARY JO!’
And we see other people listening to the radio show too, Reporter Amy and the cops; all while Joey’s still lying about everything. He claims that he never laid a hand on Amy and that there’s nothing there at all.
Then we see him talking to the reporter at his lawyer’s office and he just spews the same BULLSHIT to her too!
The lawyer says that Amy was only a customer at the body shop and that nothing sexual went on at all. Joey flashbacks to talking with Amy about crashing her car and it’s made to look like Joey was a standup guy and Amy got mad about him not helping her lie to her dad about some damage her car had. After that, we see Joey talking to somebody about how he NEVER knew how slutty Amy was and ACTUALLY USES THE FACT THAT SHE HAD SEX AT TWELVE AS AN EXAMPLE OF HER SLUTTY WAYS!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? SHE WAS TWELVE AND THE FUCKING GUY WAS HER FATHER’S AGE! I DON’T GIVE A SHIT HOW ‘SLUTTY’ YOU THINK A GIRL IS; IF SHE’S FUCKING TWELVE SHE CAN’T CONSENT TO ANYTHING, YOU FUCKING PRICK!
Back at the garage, Joey and Amy talk about her having herpes AGAIN, RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF NOWHERE! And she says that she wants to have him take the blame for it with her parents, as they can’t stand the guys she dates and she has no idea where the fuck she even got it from. He refuses to take the blame and she ends up telling her parents it was him anyway. We see Joey coming over to tell her parents the truth and she admits the lie; leaving Joey to ask Amy’s dad not to tell anyone what happened. Then we cut back to Joey talking to the reporter, and saying that even if he had slept with Amy; Mary Jo didn’t deserve to get shot. He goes on to say that Mary Jo is standing by him, she knows she didn’t cheat and that they love each other. And Mary Jo says pretty much the same thing.
And she says that Amy lied about everything because she’s ‘sick’.
At the courthouse, Reporter Amy and some dude are talking about Amy’s father and how HE FUCKING KNEW THAT AMY WAS HAVING SEX WITH A MARRIED MAN! DA HOLY FUCK?! DUDE EVEN SAYS THAT AMY’S DAD WAS TOLD TO FILE STATUTORY RAPE CHARGES AGAINST JOEY; BUT HE DIDN’T WANT AMY TO RUN AWAY OR UPSET HER!
THIS IS YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER, WHEN SHE SAYS SOME ASSHOLE IS HAVING SEX WITH HER; YOU CALL THE FUCKING COPS!! FUCKING HELL, THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING MORONS!
Then Reporter Amy sees a guy talking to one of the lawyers and asks to know who it is. She’s told that his name is Chris and he’s one of Amy’s old boyfriends.
And I want to say that it’s the same guy she was making out with in the car before; but I have no idea. Probably.
Then we flashback to Chris waiting outside the body shop for Amy;
And she tells him all about how Joey’s DEFINITELY leaving his wife for her and how they’ll be married someday, because THEY’RE SO ‘MADLY IN LOVE’!
Chris asks her the same question I’ve been screaming at the screen for DAYS now; WHY A MARRIED GUY? Amy says that Joey really loves Mary Jo and she’s so happy he does; because it shows how devoted he is and will be to her?
FUCK IT, I GOT LIKE FORTY MINUTES LEFT OF THIS MOVIE AND I REALLY DON’T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE! I HAVE TO SAVE SOME STRENGTH FOR THE JOEY VERSION MOVIE IN A FEW WEEKS!
Then Amy asks Chris where she can buy a gun and even offers to give some booty up for one; because WHY THE FUCK NOT? Chris does ask why the ever-loving fuck she even needs a gun, to which Amy replies that ‘IF MARY JO WON’T GO QUIETLY, A GUN MIGHT COME IN HANDY’! JESUS CHRIST MAN, CALL THE FUCKING COPS! IF YOU KNOW THIS CHICK IS UNSTABLE AND SHE’S ASKING FOR A GUN TO SHOOT SOMEONE, YOU NEED TO INFORM THE POLICE!! Then we flashback to the courthouse, with Reporter Amy saying that he might have some good stories about Amy and NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!
Cut to Reporter Amy at work and she’s pissed off there’s a 900 number for people to call to say who they think is to blame for Mary Jo getting shot. It especially pisses her off that the number is for the paper/Joey to make a quick buck telling their side of the story and that no one bothers to let the cops know information anymore. Then she runs off because some guy is giving his statement to the cops today and she wants to get the information.
Then we see the cops questioning this guy:
AND WHO THE FUCK IS HE? HE HASN’T BEEN SEEN IN THE MOVIE AT ALL NOR HAS ANY INFORMATION BEEN GIVEN ABOUT HIM! I REPEAT, WHO THE FUCK IS HE, I HAVE NO IDEA!
AND TO MAKE THIS EVEN MORE CRAZY; APPARENTLY THIS MOTHERFUCKER NOT ONLY HAS INFORMATION ABOUT THE SHOOTING, BUT HE KNOWS SOOO MUCH OR WAS INVOLVED IN SO MUCH THAT THE COPS GAVE HIM A DEAL FOR HIS TESTIMONY!! HOLD ON….I’M GONNA CHECK GOOGLE FOR THIS GUY….
OK, SO THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE GUY THAT DROVE HER TO THE SHOOTING, I THINK! SO WHY NOT JUST SAY THAT, WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO LOOK IT UP?!
So dude says that he was a friend of Chris and one night Chris bought Amy over to his job. And then we this black and white shot of Amy and Chris walking slo-mo over to the dude; all while weird music plays. It’s supposed to be haunting, I guess… but it sounds like someone’s cracking a whip or something!
We learn that the dude’s name is Steve and Amy asks for his help.
Before he gives his answer; Steve pulls Chris aside to tell him that he doesn’t want to give Amy a gun. Chris tells him not to worry about it; but just to pretend like he will and this way not only can Chris get rid of her, but Steve can get some booty from Amy.
The next thing we see is Steve and Amy driving around.
And he tries to cop a feel of her thigh; which she shuts down as she asks him to make eggplant parmigiana. Then she brings him to Joey’s house, basically to bitch about Mary Jo some more. Amy tells Steve that she wants him to follow Mary Jo around, which makes him confused as fuck:
But she kisses him and he agrees. Because he’s a dumbass.
A few days later, we see Mary Jo leave the house;
And she starts driving down the street as we see Steve waiting for her.
AND HOW THE FUCK DID SHE NOT NOTICE SOMEONE FOLLOWING HER? THE DUDE’S RIGHT FUCKING THERE AND HE DOESN’T EVEN WAIT THAT LONG BEFORE FOLLOWING HER! FUCKING HELL!
Then they get to the mall and STEVE PULLS UP RIGHT FUCKING BEHIND HER!
SERIOUSLY, PAY FUCKING ATTENTION AND YOU’LL SEE AN ASSHOLE FUCKING FOLLOWING YOU!
Anyway, Mary Jo goes into the mall and Steven ends up falling asleep because he’s a dumbass and can’t follow instructions. Amy shows up and knocks on the hood to wake his ass up and SHE’S PISSED!
This starts a barrage of questions about Mary Jo; what she looked like, what she was wearing and so on; making Steve tell Amy that he isn’t doing this shit anymore because it’s not worth it just for some ass. Amy proceeds to take the keys out of the ignition, tell him that since she’s so in love with Joey that it’s worth her randomly blowing dudes in order to get a gun to shoot his wife so she’s out of the way. And then she randomly blows the dude. In the mall parking lot. During broad fucking daylight.
After two seconds, (I’m guessing Steve’s a premature ejaculator); Amy gets out of the car and tells him to call once he has a gun, all the while throwing money at him.
Some days later; Amy goes over to Steve’s and knocks on his window, demanding that they go shoot Mary Jo now.
They get to the house and as Amy rings the bell, Steve’s got a rifle pointed directly at the door to shoot Mary Jo.
MJ comes out and Amy pulls the ‘selling candy’ lie that she did in the last movie; convincing her to buy at least one bar.
When MJ goes in to get her purse, Amy confronts Steve about not shooting her RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GODDAMN HOUSE! DOES MARY JO REALLY NOT HEAR THEM RIGHT NOW? Anyhow, they end waking away; with Amy demanding her money back.
We cut back to the cops questioning Steve, who says that Amy ‘kept calling for months’… at least until she found someone else to do the shooting. Oh, so this isn’t the guy that fucking drove her? WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY? The cops ask whoever the fuck he is; why the fuck he didn’t do ANYTHING AT ALL WHEN HE KNEW THAT AMY WAS ACTUALLY GONNA SHOOT MARY JO?! The dude takes a few minutes to answer, asking his lawyer if his immunity…
WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE?! THIS ASSHOLE HAS FUCKING IMMUNITY? FUCKING HELL!
Whatever, asshole says that he REALLY DIDN’T THINK THAT AMY WOULD SHOOT MARY JO, THAT HE THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE! AND HE SAYS THIS WITH A STRAIGHT FACE!
Then we see Steve leave with his lawyer, while Reporter Amy tries to talk to him.
She doesn’t succeed and tells the dude with her that Steve’s going on A Current Affair that night to tell his side of the story.
Back at the courthouse, Amy’s lawyer is holding a press conference on the steps;
And he says that since Amy’s bail is now at two million; THEY’RE ACTUALLY OFFERING THE RIGHTS TO HER STORY TO WHOEVER CAN PAY HER BAIL! FUCKING HELL, THE NOELLE PARKER MOVIE AND AMY’S BOOK CAME OUT OF THIS! HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY, FUCKWAD! AND IT DOESN’T STOP THERE, LAWYER MAN SAYS THAT NOT ONLY WAS TV INTERESTED IN INTERVIEWING HER, BUT ACTUAL MOVIE STUDIOS WANTED TO MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT HER! (AGAIN, THIS WILL BE FUCKING HILARIOUS WHEN I GET TO THE ‘WHERE ARE THEY NOW’ PORTION NEXT TIME!)
ALSO, I’LL CALLING THIS NOW:
YOU ALL KNOW IT’S COMING!!!
Then we Mary Jo and Joey talking about what would happen if Amy gets bailed out and goes after Mary Jo again.
Cut to Reporter Amy and the prosecutor talking about how Amy’s bail is so high and even asks if Joey’s getting charges filed against him or any of the other guys that were involved or even knew about the shooting. Reporter Amy goes as far as to say that if Amy wasn’t a hooker that banged a lot of men; maybe she wouldn’t have such a high bail and the other guys would be prosecuted as well.
Then a car pulls up with this guy inside:
AND WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY?! Someone asks Reporter Amy that same question as whoever he is walks into the courthouse, surrounded by cameras. Turns out, this is Peter… THE ACTUAL GUY THAT DROVE AMY TO SHOOT MARY JO!
Cut to Amy in her jailhouse school taking finals and then we flashback to her meeting up with Joey as he Christmas shops.
She’s pissed off that he didn’t call her at all and he answers that he was with his family; leaving her to get all nutcake about him spending time with them. He tells Amy that it’s time to end things, because he sees that she’s a nutcake and he’s an asshole and they need to end this shit before it blows up in their faces. Or something like that, I may have paraphrased a bit. As he leaves, Amy runs up and forces a hug on Joey, saying how much she ‘needs him’.
They sit down on a bench and she tells him about all this sexy stuff she got for him as she cries. Then they hug some more.
Then we cut to a Christmas with the Buttafuoco’s where everyone’s happy, as opposed to Amy’s where everyone’s cold.
Then we see Amy in the gym with Paul Makely;
And she tells him that Joey recommended him as a trainer and there’s some eye-fuckage between them.
Cut to the garage with Amy and Joey;
With Amy telling him all about the ‘workout’ Paul’s giving her and Joey seriously couldn’t care less at this point. She brings up taking him to the prom and Joey calls her a fucking nutcake; until she says she was teasing. This leads to her seeing a box of the Auto Body T-Shirts and he gives her one for being ‘the best customer.’ Which she totally ends up wearing when she goes to work out/talk to Paul.
Amy ends up talking about Joey and Paul says that he doesn’t come around to the gym anymore; to which Amy chalks up to jealously.
At the pool hall, Amy’s talking with her friend about how good the sex is with Joey and that attracts the attention of Peter.
The day of the shooting comes;
And Amy gets a page from Peter, whom she calls and learns that he’s set to go.
She fakes sick with the nurse and hurries home to wait for Peter to pick her up/give her the gun.
They pull up to Mary Jo’s place and Amy goes to talk to Mary Jo;
The guy in the car sees them talking and since this is the Media Version of the movie; we really don’t hear much of what happened with Mary Jo and Amy, but since I snarked it last time… I ALREADY KNOW IT!
We do see Amy handing Mary Jo and as Peter goes to change the radio station; there’s a gun shot and then there’s a shot of Amy laying down Mary Jo!
Then Amy runs to the car and they take off.
We cut back to the jailhouse school for a brief second, before we cut back and forth between Amy going in for a lineup and what would have been her high school graduation.
And Mary Jo’s identifies her as the shooter.
Mary Jo ends up telling her side of what happened; and it’s word for word what I already snarked in the last movie snark: Amy claimed her younger sister was sleeping with Joey, she showed Mary Jo the T-Shirt, she didn’t believe her and Amy shot her in the head.
Then we see Reporter Amy writing about how the men in the story aren’t getting any punishment at all.
The judge says that he’s keeping the bail at two million and we hear more voice over from Reporter Amy about how if Amy really was a ‘demon seed’, then she needs to pay for her crimes. Then we see the prosecutor asking if the judge can ‘reject the bail’ because of the movie studio putting up the money and how she shouldn’t be making money off her crime. But it doesn’t matter, because Amy’s lawyer gets her out with ‘innocent until proven guilty’ bullshit. The judge allows her to go free on the bail; only with no contact with Mary Jo or the bail’s revoked.
Amy gets to leave and the lawyer tells the press that he’s taking her out to eat. Mary Jo is questioned by reporters too and she tells them that she hopes Amy’s parents get her help. When someone brings up that Amy’s going out to eat; Mary Jo says that she can only eat baby food because of the shooting and that Amy should enjoy her food.
Then we cut to the gym with Paul selling Amy out to some dude; I think he’s from A Current Affair;
And the guy says that since Paul already has talked about Amy’s phone call from prison in the papers, they’re not interested. But since Paul’s a fame whore, he offers something that they’ve never seen.
Cut to Paul picking up Amy up for a date;
And I know it’s a bad picture guys; but SERIOUSLY? HE LOOKS FUCKING FORTY, WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY OKAY WITH THIS? NEVER MIND, THESE ARE THE SAME GUYS WHO LET HER DATE JOEY! WHATEVER!
Then we see them at the gym and Amy talks about how she’s getting almost three years with her sentence and Paul tries to get her to make a list of shit she wants to do before prison or something.
She asks him to marry her for the conjugal visits in jail and how her lawyer’s next crusade is going to be about the prisoners being able to have sex in prison; or some such shit. I DON’T CARE, WE ALL KNOW PAUL’S TAPING HER AND THIS WHOLE SCENE’S JUST A REHASH FROM THE LAST MOVIE!
Then we see Amy pleading guilty in court and she tells her side of the story about how the gun ‘ACCIDENTLY WENT OFF WHEN SHE PISTOL WHIPPED MARY JO!’
The judge accepts the plea and then outside the courthouse, we get all the players talking to reporters; prosecutor says that Mary Jo was willing to let Amy plead down in order for Joey not to have charges filed against him and we see Mary Jo is pissed off. The DA says that he’s going after Joey for statutory rape now.
Then GUESS WHAT KIDS? PAUL’S VIDEO OF AMY MADE IT HARD COPY!
And it’s heavily edited to make it look even worse! Amy sees it and gets upset.
Then she calls up Reporter Amy, saying that she has no friends and no one left to trust. She wants to let people know that the tape was all twisted around and she didn’t actually mean any of the stuff she said.
Reporter Amy starts taking notes as Amy says that she really has remorse over what happened and how she’s scared about going to jail and I have to admit, it’s a good scene and Drew does a good job with it. Amy even talks about how she wanted to marry Paul so that he wouldn’t miss her when she went to jail and then she has to hang up the phone.
The next scene shows us that Amy tried to kill herself with pills and that her father caught her in time.
The mother and lawyer take her to the hospital to pump her stomach;
And we learn that this is actually Amy’s SECOND attempt in two days; because even though the parents knew that she attempted already, THEY DECIDED TO FUCK IT ALL AND NOT TAKE HER TO A GODDAMN HOSPITAL! WHICH OFFICIALLY MAKES THEM WORSE PARENTS THAN THE PIKES IN THE BSC!!
The doctor says that they should pump her stomach to be on the safe side anyway, even though whatever she took can’t kill her. WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE TAKE?!
Then we see Reporter Amy at Hard Copy and we learn that Paul TAPE-RECORDED AMY’S PHONE CALL IN PRISON AND SOLD THAT TO THEM TOO! FUCKING HELL!
Later on, Reporter Amy meets up with Mama Fisher to talk about Amy;
And she gives the Reporter pics so she can see what Amy’s really like and mentions that she can’t talk about any of the crimes, videos, or Joey with her. Amy’s mom mentions that Amy ‘hates to be trapped’ and she feels that’s why Amy tried to kill herself, as a way out. Mom mentions that no matter what, she still loves her daughter and that she wishes that Reporter Amy knew her better.
On the way out, Mom says that she wishes that the three of them could go to the beach or something together; because that’s where their family goes when things are bad.
Reporter Amy tells her that Amy is going to jail, so it might be awhile before they go anywhere. Mom says that she’s ‘PROUD OF HOW AMY CAME THROUGH THE WHOLE MESS’? DA HOLY FUCK? THIS MAKES REPORTER AMY MAKE THIS FACE:
AS DO I!
Then Reporter Amy says that if she was a kid and pulled this shit; her mom would’ve knocked her ass through a goddamn wall! As would mine, as would mine! She basically tells Mom that Amy’s a fucking brat AND a felon! Of course, Mom decides to Elizabeth Fucking Brewer her way out of that by asking if Amy’s ‘spirited’!
And Reporter Amy gets in the car and drives away; probably to look for a bar or something. CAN’T REALLY BLAME HER THERE!
The last scene is Amy in the hospital and she day-dreams about being married to Joey and having kids.
Then we get this card that says that Joey didn’t get charges filed against him due to lack of evidence and that Amy got five to fifteen years. ALTHOUGH MOTHERFUCKER ADMITS TO IT LATER ON!!
This movie was PAINFUL to watch! AND I HAD TO WATCH IT THREE FUCKING TIMES, IT ALMOST BROKE ME!
I mean it, it was downright horrible! The only ‘good thing’ about it was Drew Barrymore and those two scene’s I mentioned earlier. I had trouble following the movie most of the time; it introduced people odd and it showed quick scenes that had nothing to do with the rest of the story. Most of the time I had no idea what was even going on; so I’m sorry if at times this snark is hard to follow. I see now why this movie is so hard to find, it sucks! I liked the Noelle Parker much better and that’s not really saying much!
That’s all for now kids, thanks for reading! Tune it next time for some more Golden Girls and then in a few weeks to finish off these shit movies! See you soon!
Then we see the police escorting Amy back to their car;
And we see both lawyers giving press conferences about the case. The prosecutor even throws in the information about the police report Amy’s father made at the beginning of the movie; TOLD YOU THAT WAS GONNA BITE YOU IN THE ASS BUDDY!
Back at jail, Amy sits down for a visitor that we don’t see yet and there’s a flashback to her hooking with a john. She gives the price as $185 dollars, but dude says that the booty’s not worth that much and wants the price 35 dollars less. She asks if he’ll give her his AWESOME Aerosmith jean jacket; she’ll actually take off 50 and they make a deal.
Back at her house, she feeds her dog as her dad watches.
Then at school, her beeper goes off as she sleeps in class and later on; she meets with a john at a motel. She tells the guy to just get in touch with HER and not the service; this way he’ll save money. Dude tries to kiss her, she says no and then we cut back to the prison, where we see the visitor’s her mom. Amy just gets up and leaves; while we hear the other inmates talking smack about her.
Then we cut to Joey at home and he’s listening to Howard Stern as he makes lunch for his kids. There’s man claiming to be his gardener on the show; claiming that he caught Amy and Joey banging in the pool a lot. Joey walks over to his garden and GUESS WHAT?
THERE’S NO FUCKING POOL! This leads to Joey calling in and LYING HIS FUCKING ASS OFF! HE LIES ABOUT BEING FAITHFUL AND HOW ‘HE’D DIE WITHOUT MARY JO!’
And we see other people listening to the radio show too, Reporter Amy and the cops; all while Joey’s still lying about everything. He claims that he never laid a hand on Amy and that there’s nothing there at all.
Then we see him talking to the reporter at his lawyer’s office and he just spews the same BULLSHIT to her too!
The lawyer says that Amy was only a customer at the body shop and that nothing sexual went on at all. Joey flashbacks to talking with Amy about crashing her car and it’s made to look like Joey was a standup guy and Amy got mad about him not helping her lie to her dad about some damage her car had. After that, we see Joey talking to somebody about how he NEVER knew how slutty Amy was and ACTUALLY USES THE FACT THAT SHE HAD SEX AT TWELVE AS AN EXAMPLE OF HER SLUTTY WAYS!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? SHE WAS TWELVE AND THE FUCKING GUY WAS HER FATHER’S AGE! I DON’T GIVE A SHIT HOW ‘SLUTTY’ YOU THINK A GIRL IS; IF SHE’S FUCKING TWELVE SHE CAN’T CONSENT TO ANYTHING, YOU FUCKING PRICK!
Back at the garage, Joey and Amy talk about her having herpes AGAIN, RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF NOWHERE! And she says that she wants to have him take the blame for it with her parents, as they can’t stand the guys she dates and she has no idea where the fuck she even got it from. He refuses to take the blame and she ends up telling her parents it was him anyway. We see Joey coming over to tell her parents the truth and she admits the lie; leaving Joey to ask Amy’s dad not to tell anyone what happened. Then we cut back to Joey talking to the reporter, and saying that even if he had slept with Amy; Mary Jo didn’t deserve to get shot. He goes on to say that Mary Jo is standing by him, she knows she didn’t cheat and that they love each other. And Mary Jo says pretty much the same thing.
And she says that Amy lied about everything because she’s ‘sick’.
At the courthouse, Reporter Amy and some dude are talking about Amy’s father and how HE FUCKING KNEW THAT AMY WAS HAVING SEX WITH A MARRIED MAN! DA HOLY FUCK?! DUDE EVEN SAYS THAT AMY’S DAD WAS TOLD TO FILE STATUTORY RAPE CHARGES AGAINST JOEY; BUT HE DIDN’T WANT AMY TO RUN AWAY OR UPSET HER!
THIS IS YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER, WHEN SHE SAYS SOME ASSHOLE IS HAVING SEX WITH HER; YOU CALL THE FUCKING COPS!! FUCKING HELL, THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING MORONS!
Then Reporter Amy sees a guy talking to one of the lawyers and asks to know who it is. She’s told that his name is Chris and he’s one of Amy’s old boyfriends.
And I want to say that it’s the same guy she was making out with in the car before; but I have no idea. Probably.
Then we flashback to Chris waiting outside the body shop for Amy;
And she tells him all about how Joey’s DEFINITELY leaving his wife for her and how they’ll be married someday, because THEY’RE SO ‘MADLY IN LOVE’!
Chris asks her the same question I’ve been screaming at the screen for DAYS now; WHY A MARRIED GUY? Amy says that Joey really loves Mary Jo and she’s so happy he does; because it shows how devoted he is and will be to her?
FUCK IT, I GOT LIKE FORTY MINUTES LEFT OF THIS MOVIE AND I REALLY DON’T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE! I HAVE TO SAVE SOME STRENGTH FOR THE JOEY VERSION MOVIE IN A FEW WEEKS!
Then Amy asks Chris where she can buy a gun and even offers to give some booty up for one; because WHY THE FUCK NOT? Chris does ask why the ever-loving fuck she even needs a gun, to which Amy replies that ‘IF MARY JO WON’T GO QUIETLY, A GUN MIGHT COME IN HANDY’! JESUS CHRIST MAN, CALL THE FUCKING COPS! IF YOU KNOW THIS CHICK IS UNSTABLE AND SHE’S ASKING FOR A GUN TO SHOOT SOMEONE, YOU NEED TO INFORM THE POLICE!! Then we flashback to the courthouse, with Reporter Amy saying that he might have some good stories about Amy and NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!
Cut to Reporter Amy at work and she’s pissed off there’s a 900 number for people to call to say who they think is to blame for Mary Jo getting shot. It especially pisses her off that the number is for the paper/Joey to make a quick buck telling their side of the story and that no one bothers to let the cops know information anymore. Then she runs off because some guy is giving his statement to the cops today and she wants to get the information.
Then we see the cops questioning this guy:
AND WHO THE FUCK IS HE? HE HASN’T BEEN SEEN IN THE MOVIE AT ALL NOR HAS ANY INFORMATION BEEN GIVEN ABOUT HIM! I REPEAT, WHO THE FUCK IS HE, I HAVE NO IDEA!
AND TO MAKE THIS EVEN MORE CRAZY; APPARENTLY THIS MOTHERFUCKER NOT ONLY HAS INFORMATION ABOUT THE SHOOTING, BUT HE KNOWS SOOO MUCH OR WAS INVOLVED IN SO MUCH THAT THE COPS GAVE HIM A DEAL FOR HIS TESTIMONY!! HOLD ON….I’M GONNA CHECK GOOGLE FOR THIS GUY….
OK, SO THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE GUY THAT DROVE HER TO THE SHOOTING, I THINK! SO WHY NOT JUST SAY THAT, WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO LOOK IT UP?!
So dude says that he was a friend of Chris and one night Chris bought Amy over to his job. And then we this black and white shot of Amy and Chris walking slo-mo over to the dude; all while weird music plays. It’s supposed to be haunting, I guess… but it sounds like someone’s cracking a whip or something!
We learn that the dude’s name is Steve and Amy asks for his help.
Before he gives his answer; Steve pulls Chris aside to tell him that he doesn’t want to give Amy a gun. Chris tells him not to worry about it; but just to pretend like he will and this way not only can Chris get rid of her, but Steve can get some booty from Amy.
The next thing we see is Steve and Amy driving around.
And he tries to cop a feel of her thigh; which she shuts down as she asks him to make eggplant parmigiana. Then she brings him to Joey’s house, basically to bitch about Mary Jo some more. Amy tells Steve that she wants him to follow Mary Jo around, which makes him confused as fuck:
But she kisses him and he agrees. Because he’s a dumbass.
A few days later, we see Mary Jo leave the house;
And she starts driving down the street as we see Steve waiting for her.
AND HOW THE FUCK DID SHE NOT NOTICE SOMEONE FOLLOWING HER? THE DUDE’S RIGHT FUCKING THERE AND HE DOESN’T EVEN WAIT THAT LONG BEFORE FOLLOWING HER! FUCKING HELL!
Then they get to the mall and STEVE PULLS UP RIGHT FUCKING BEHIND HER!
SERIOUSLY, PAY FUCKING ATTENTION AND YOU’LL SEE AN ASSHOLE FUCKING FOLLOWING YOU!
Anyway, Mary Jo goes into the mall and Steven ends up falling asleep because he’s a dumbass and can’t follow instructions. Amy shows up and knocks on the hood to wake his ass up and SHE’S PISSED!
This starts a barrage of questions about Mary Jo; what she looked like, what she was wearing and so on; making Steve tell Amy that he isn’t doing this shit anymore because it’s not worth it just for some ass. Amy proceeds to take the keys out of the ignition, tell him that since she’s so in love with Joey that it’s worth her randomly blowing dudes in order to get a gun to shoot his wife so she’s out of the way. And then she randomly blows the dude. In the mall parking lot. During broad fucking daylight.
After two seconds, (I’m guessing Steve’s a premature ejaculator); Amy gets out of the car and tells him to call once he has a gun, all the while throwing money at him.
Some days later; Amy goes over to Steve’s and knocks on his window, demanding that they go shoot Mary Jo now.
They get to the house and as Amy rings the bell, Steve’s got a rifle pointed directly at the door to shoot Mary Jo.
MJ comes out and Amy pulls the ‘selling candy’ lie that she did in the last movie; convincing her to buy at least one bar.
When MJ goes in to get her purse, Amy confronts Steve about not shooting her RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GODDAMN HOUSE! DOES MARY JO REALLY NOT HEAR THEM RIGHT NOW? Anyhow, they end waking away; with Amy demanding her money back.
We cut back to the cops questioning Steve, who says that Amy ‘kept calling for months’… at least until she found someone else to do the shooting. Oh, so this isn’t the guy that fucking drove her? WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY? The cops ask whoever the fuck he is; why the fuck he didn’t do ANYTHING AT ALL WHEN HE KNEW THAT AMY WAS ACTUALLY GONNA SHOOT MARY JO?! The dude takes a few minutes to answer, asking his lawyer if his immunity…
WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE?! THIS ASSHOLE HAS FUCKING IMMUNITY? FUCKING HELL!
Whatever, asshole says that he REALLY DIDN’T THINK THAT AMY WOULD SHOOT MARY JO, THAT HE THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE! AND HE SAYS THIS WITH A STRAIGHT FACE!
Then we see Steve leave with his lawyer, while Reporter Amy tries to talk to him.
She doesn’t succeed and tells the dude with her that Steve’s going on A Current Affair that night to tell his side of the story.
Back at the courthouse, Amy’s lawyer is holding a press conference on the steps;
And he says that since Amy’s bail is now at two million; THEY’RE ACTUALLY OFFERING THE RIGHTS TO HER STORY TO WHOEVER CAN PAY HER BAIL! FUCKING HELL, THE NOELLE PARKER MOVIE AND AMY’S BOOK CAME OUT OF THIS! HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY, FUCKWAD! AND IT DOESN’T STOP THERE, LAWYER MAN SAYS THAT NOT ONLY WAS TV INTERESTED IN INTERVIEWING HER, BUT ACTUAL MOVIE STUDIOS WANTED TO MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT HER! (AGAIN, THIS WILL BE FUCKING HILARIOUS WHEN I GET TO THE ‘WHERE ARE THEY NOW’ PORTION NEXT TIME!)
ALSO, I’LL CALLING THIS NOW:
YOU ALL KNOW IT’S COMING!!!
Then we Mary Jo and Joey talking about what would happen if Amy gets bailed out and goes after Mary Jo again.
Cut to Reporter Amy and the prosecutor talking about how Amy’s bail is so high and even asks if Joey’s getting charges filed against him or any of the other guys that were involved or even knew about the shooting. Reporter Amy goes as far as to say that if Amy wasn’t a hooker that banged a lot of men; maybe she wouldn’t have such a high bail and the other guys would be prosecuted as well.
Then a car pulls up with this guy inside:
AND WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY?! Someone asks Reporter Amy that same question as whoever he is walks into the courthouse, surrounded by cameras. Turns out, this is Peter… THE ACTUAL GUY THAT DROVE AMY TO SHOOT MARY JO!
Cut to Amy in her jailhouse school taking finals and then we flashback to her meeting up with Joey as he Christmas shops.
She’s pissed off that he didn’t call her at all and he answers that he was with his family; leaving her to get all nutcake about him spending time with them. He tells Amy that it’s time to end things, because he sees that she’s a nutcake and he’s an asshole and they need to end this shit before it blows up in their faces. Or something like that, I may have paraphrased a bit. As he leaves, Amy runs up and forces a hug on Joey, saying how much she ‘needs him’.
They sit down on a bench and she tells him about all this sexy stuff she got for him as she cries. Then they hug some more.
Then we cut to a Christmas with the Buttafuoco’s where everyone’s happy, as opposed to Amy’s where everyone’s cold.
Then we see Amy in the gym with Paul Makely;
And she tells him that Joey recommended him as a trainer and there’s some eye-fuckage between them.
Cut to the garage with Amy and Joey;
With Amy telling him all about the ‘workout’ Paul’s giving her and Joey seriously couldn’t care less at this point. She brings up taking him to the prom and Joey calls her a fucking nutcake; until she says she was teasing. This leads to her seeing a box of the Auto Body T-Shirts and he gives her one for being ‘the best customer.’ Which she totally ends up wearing when she goes to work out/talk to Paul.
Amy ends up talking about Joey and Paul says that he doesn’t come around to the gym anymore; to which Amy chalks up to jealously.
At the pool hall, Amy’s talking with her friend about how good the sex is with Joey and that attracts the attention of Peter.
The day of the shooting comes;
And Amy gets a page from Peter, whom she calls and learns that he’s set to go.
She fakes sick with the nurse and hurries home to wait for Peter to pick her up/give her the gun.
They pull up to Mary Jo’s place and Amy goes to talk to Mary Jo;
The guy in the car sees them talking and since this is the Media Version of the movie; we really don’t hear much of what happened with Mary Jo and Amy, but since I snarked it last time… I ALREADY KNOW IT!
We do see Amy handing Mary Jo and as Peter goes to change the radio station; there’s a gun shot and then there’s a shot of Amy laying down Mary Jo!
Then Amy runs to the car and they take off.
We cut back to the jailhouse school for a brief second, before we cut back and forth between Amy going in for a lineup and what would have been her high school graduation.
And Mary Jo’s identifies her as the shooter.
Mary Jo ends up telling her side of what happened; and it’s word for word what I already snarked in the last movie snark: Amy claimed her younger sister was sleeping with Joey, she showed Mary Jo the T-Shirt, she didn’t believe her and Amy shot her in the head.
Then we see Reporter Amy writing about how the men in the story aren’t getting any punishment at all.
The judge says that he’s keeping the bail at two million and we hear more voice over from Reporter Amy about how if Amy really was a ‘demon seed’, then she needs to pay for her crimes. Then we see the prosecutor asking if the judge can ‘reject the bail’ because of the movie studio putting up the money and how she shouldn’t be making money off her crime. But it doesn’t matter, because Amy’s lawyer gets her out with ‘innocent until proven guilty’ bullshit. The judge allows her to go free on the bail; only with no contact with Mary Jo or the bail’s revoked.
Amy gets to leave and the lawyer tells the press that he’s taking her out to eat. Mary Jo is questioned by reporters too and she tells them that she hopes Amy’s parents get her help. When someone brings up that Amy’s going out to eat; Mary Jo says that she can only eat baby food because of the shooting and that Amy should enjoy her food.
Then we cut to the gym with Paul selling Amy out to some dude; I think he’s from A Current Affair;
And the guy says that since Paul already has talked about Amy’s phone call from prison in the papers, they’re not interested. But since Paul’s a fame whore, he offers something that they’ve never seen.
Cut to Paul picking up Amy up for a date;
And I know it’s a bad picture guys; but SERIOUSLY? HE LOOKS FUCKING FORTY, WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY OKAY WITH THIS? NEVER MIND, THESE ARE THE SAME GUYS WHO LET HER DATE JOEY! WHATEVER!
Then we see them at the gym and Amy talks about how she’s getting almost three years with her sentence and Paul tries to get her to make a list of shit she wants to do before prison or something.
She asks him to marry her for the conjugal visits in jail and how her lawyer’s next crusade is going to be about the prisoners being able to have sex in prison; or some such shit. I DON’T CARE, WE ALL KNOW PAUL’S TAPING HER AND THIS WHOLE SCENE’S JUST A REHASH FROM THE LAST MOVIE!
Then we see Amy pleading guilty in court and she tells her side of the story about how the gun ‘ACCIDENTLY WENT OFF WHEN SHE PISTOL WHIPPED MARY JO!’
The judge accepts the plea and then outside the courthouse, we get all the players talking to reporters; prosecutor says that Mary Jo was willing to let Amy plead down in order for Joey not to have charges filed against him and we see Mary Jo is pissed off. The DA says that he’s going after Joey for statutory rape now.
Then GUESS WHAT KIDS? PAUL’S VIDEO OF AMY MADE IT HARD COPY!
And it’s heavily edited to make it look even worse! Amy sees it and gets upset.
Then she calls up Reporter Amy, saying that she has no friends and no one left to trust. She wants to let people know that the tape was all twisted around and she didn’t actually mean any of the stuff she said.
Reporter Amy starts taking notes as Amy says that she really has remorse over what happened and how she’s scared about going to jail and I have to admit, it’s a good scene and Drew does a good job with it. Amy even talks about how she wanted to marry Paul so that he wouldn’t miss her when she went to jail and then she has to hang up the phone.
The next scene shows us that Amy tried to kill herself with pills and that her father caught her in time.
The mother and lawyer take her to the hospital to pump her stomach;
And we learn that this is actually Amy’s SECOND attempt in two days; because even though the parents knew that she attempted already, THEY DECIDED TO FUCK IT ALL AND NOT TAKE HER TO A GODDAMN HOSPITAL! WHICH OFFICIALLY MAKES THEM WORSE PARENTS THAN THE PIKES IN THE BSC!!
The doctor says that they should pump her stomach to be on the safe side anyway, even though whatever she took can’t kill her. WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE TAKE?!
Then we see Reporter Amy at Hard Copy and we learn that Paul TAPE-RECORDED AMY’S PHONE CALL IN PRISON AND SOLD THAT TO THEM TOO! FUCKING HELL!
Later on, Reporter Amy meets up with Mama Fisher to talk about Amy;
And she gives the Reporter pics so she can see what Amy’s really like and mentions that she can’t talk about any of the crimes, videos, or Joey with her. Amy’s mom mentions that Amy ‘hates to be trapped’ and she feels that’s why Amy tried to kill herself, as a way out. Mom mentions that no matter what, she still loves her daughter and that she wishes that Reporter Amy knew her better.
On the way out, Mom says that she wishes that the three of them could go to the beach or something together; because that’s where their family goes when things are bad.
Reporter Amy tells her that Amy is going to jail, so it might be awhile before they go anywhere. Mom says that she’s ‘PROUD OF HOW AMY CAME THROUGH THE WHOLE MESS’? DA HOLY FUCK? THIS MAKES REPORTER AMY MAKE THIS FACE:
AS DO I!
Then Reporter Amy says that if she was a kid and pulled this shit; her mom would’ve knocked her ass through a goddamn wall! As would mine, as would mine! She basically tells Mom that Amy’s a fucking brat AND a felon! Of course, Mom decides to Elizabeth Fucking Brewer her way out of that by asking if Amy’s ‘spirited’!
And Reporter Amy gets in the car and drives away; probably to look for a bar or something. CAN’T REALLY BLAME HER THERE!
The last scene is Amy in the hospital and she day-dreams about being married to Joey and having kids.
Then we get this card that says that Joey didn’t get charges filed against him due to lack of evidence and that Amy got five to fifteen years. ALTHOUGH MOTHERFUCKER ADMITS TO IT LATER ON!!
This movie was PAINFUL to watch! AND I HAD TO WATCH IT THREE FUCKING TIMES, IT ALMOST BROKE ME!
I mean it, it was downright horrible! The only ‘good thing’ about it was Drew Barrymore and those two scene’s I mentioned earlier. I had trouble following the movie most of the time; it introduced people odd and it showed quick scenes that had nothing to do with the rest of the story. Most of the time I had no idea what was even going on; so I’m sorry if at times this snark is hard to follow. I see now why this movie is so hard to find, it sucks! I liked the Noelle Parker much better and that’s not really saying much!
That’s all for now kids, thanks for reading! Tune it next time for some more Golden Girls and then in a few weeks to finish off these shit movies! See you soon!