HELLO LADIES AND GENTS! GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS?
THAT’S RIGHT….IT’S TIME TO SNARK ANOTHER MOVIE!! AND THIS TIME…. IT’S A MUSICAL! A RE-MAKE/LIVE VERSION OF….
WAIT….
Click to viewWHAT THE HELL?
OK FINE!
So in case you guys can’t tell… I FREAKING HATED THIS LIVE BROADCAST!! Oh, wait that’s a lie; there are SOME things I found pretty good with the live show, I have to admit. But a lot of it was HORRIBLE and I ended up Facebook chatting with my friend Sammi and some of her peeps; and there was so much to bitch about… I DECIDED TO DEVOTE A WHOLE SNARK TO IT! THANKS A LOT SAMMI FOR SUGGESTING THIS ABOMINATION!
Now everyone grab your Pepsi equivalent, your chocolatey/sweet-ey goodness and get comfy…. THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG ONE, KIDS!
IT’S GREASE LIVE!
AS THE PINK LADIES:
Sandy: Julianne Hough (Or as I know her: that chick who gave Tom Cruise a lap dance in a deleted scene in Rock of Ages. Also, apparently she was on Dancing with the Stars. And one of the few things this musical did right by casting her.)
Rizzo: Vanessa Hudgens (Or as I know her: My niece’s favorite character in High School Musical. And being one of the only good performances in this piece of crap!)
Frenchy: Carly Rae Jepsen (The ‘Call Me Maybe’ chick. I wonder if she knows about the AC Slater spoof of her song.)
Marty: Keke Palmer (the one that annoyed the living HELL out of me in Scream Queens. To be fair, everyone did on that show. Except Lea Michele; she RULES!)
Jan: Kether Donohue (I have NO IDEA WHO SHE IS! APPARENTLY SHE WAS IN PITCH PERFECT; BUT I NEVER SAW IT, SO I HAVE NO CLUE!)
AS THE T-BIRDS:
Danny: Aaron Tveit (I have NO IDEA who he is either! I did some research and found out he’s a big Broadway star and after finding some clips; he really is a great singer! Unfortunately, he’s HORRIBLY miscast as Danny.)
Kenickie: Carlos PenaVega (that guy that’s married to Alexa Vega. I do know he was on Dancing with the Stars against his wife and Big Time Rush, but I never saw either. Another great performance though! )
Doody: Jordan Fisher (I have NO IDEA who this guy is either! I will say he does pretty good too!)
Putzie: David Del Rio (I did see him in an ep of Law and Order SVU once.)
Sonny: Andrew Call (No clue here either… but he hasn’t done much yet!)
Also starring: Mario Lopez, Ana Gasteyer, Wendell Pierce, Boyz II Men, Jessie J, Noah Robbins, Elle McLemore, Joe Jonas and DNCE, Eve Plumb, and Grease Alumni Barry Pearl and Didi Conn!
This show was MASSIVE; with two soundstages and an outside backlot utilized and the cast riding around on golf carts to do quick changes between commercial breaks. The staging’s actually quite impressive, I have to say. The only thing that bothered me with the sets is the live audience sitting/standing around. I get they wanted to have the ‘energy’ of a live stage show; BUT THEN DO A FREAKING LIVE STAGE SHOW! I felt that it actually took away from the show somewhat; I didn’t need to hear hooting and hollering during some parts!
The show was also not without some problems; there was about a minute or so of dead silence during the dance scene and mikes would sometimes cut out or get bad feedback. The rain was a big concern and the cast had to use umbrellas for the opening number.
There was also tragedy; Vanessa Hudgens lost her father the day before the show and like a true professional; turned in the best performance of the night in memory of her father. Prayers are truly with her and her family on this tragic loss.
Well as Vince Fontaine says…. IT’S TIME TO THROW YOUR MITTENS AROUND YOUR KITTENS AND AWAY WE GO!
We open on the beach…which is actually a really shitty green screen effect…
Yea, I really fucking believe they’re on the goddamn beach right now! I know LIVE and all; but FUCKING REALLY?
So Danny and Sandy; in their best PROM attire. AT THE FUCKING BEACH OF ALL THINGS; talk about how sad they are that Sandy’s going back to Salt Lake City and they kiss.
So… I’m guessing Sandy’s Mormon now. This is gonna make her transition to slut REAL FUCKING AWKWARD NOW! FUCKING HELL!
So the camera pulls back,
The crowd goes fucking nuts so hard; you’d think Danny and Sandy were screwing on Live TV instead and we lead into our opening number, Grease is the Word performed by Jessie J.
She actually does pretty good and it does make you excited for the show. She ends up walking through the entire set; coming up to the Pink Ladies,
Who take a selfie, the T-Birds;
Even Barry Pearl and Didi Conn!
We see Jessie J and the cast outside with umbrellas and the Scorpions, Cha-Cha, Boyz II Men as Teen Angel, Principal McGee, and Mario Lopez dancing around.
The best part of all this is Boyz II Men and Ana Ana Gasteyer doing the humming part from Motown Philly!
We end outside the school; where the Pink Ladies/T-Birds are standing in a line
And the T-Birds have TOTALLY DIFFERENT HAIRSTYLES THAN THEY DID ON THE DAMN POSTER! FUCKING HELL, WHY CHANGE?
I MEAN IT, KENICKIE AND PUTZIE HAVE DIFFERENT HAIRSTYLES NOW!
Anyway, the boys go to school and run into Danny macking on some girl who hopefully cures his massive blue balls that Sandy left him with.
The guys all stand around, talking about some car Kenickie wants to buy and the subject of who got to score over the summer comes up. Danny COMPLETELY LIES HIS ASS OFF about getting the booty from ‘some chick at the beach’ and then Eugene comes up for them to pick on.
And then there’s the Miss McGee/Sonny argument, which sadly doesn’t end with him calling her a whore in Italian.
So far, this is just a word for word remake of the movie/play pretty much. The only exception besides the no cursing, is that Doody is carrying around a damn guitar case FOR SOME REASON! He says he’s learning and knows three cords already, but it’s just weird.
Then we cut to the Pink Ladies, taking their sweet ass time to get to homeroom.
And WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH JAN/MARTY’S VOICES? JAN SOUNDS LIKE THE BASTARD CHILD OF ALVIN AND BRITTNEY CHIPMUNK AND MARTY SOUNDS LIKE SHE’S DOING A BAD BLANCHE DUBOIS IMPRESSION! IT’S AWFUL AND THE FACT I HAD TO LISTEN TO IT THREE FUCKING TIMES IN ORDER TO SNARK IT, PISSES ME OFF!
Whatever, the girls run into the boys…
And Kenickie and Rizzo eye fuck the shit out of each other,
And I know Rizzo/Danny are supposed to be exes or something; but THEY TOTALLY FUCKED AT ONE POINT RIGHT? I ALWAYS GOT THAT VIBE! ALSO, IF THEY DID…WOULDN’T THAT BE AWKWARD AT ALL?
Everyone leaves, giving Frenchy ample time to drop all her shit and meet Sandy when she helps her. Actually, Sandy runs down the hall, screaming about being late and how she’s from Utah and that would scare the shit out of me to see a crazy girl just RUNNING TOWARDS ME, SCREAMING RANDOM SHIT AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS…BUT WHATEVER!
No, now they’re lifelong friends. At least until Frenchy gets pushed out of the damn sequel.
Cut to the WALLS OPENING UP! DA HOLY FUCK IS GOING ON?
Oh, it’s the principal’s office and this is WORD FOR WORD what’s in the movie. Except now there’s a choir led by Eugene and talk of a bomb shelter being built. Plus, talk of the Pep Rally and Vince Fontaine trying to get find a school for his National Bandstand show.
Then we cut to the gym, uh… lunchroom…
Both, I guess. Patty Simcox, the most annoying part in all of Grease strolls on in…
And she starts in on Sandy being a cheerleader, because apparently she’s captain or some such shit. And the chick playing Patty is playing it WAYY TOO FUCKING CHIPPER, IT’S LIKE KAREN BREWER ON CRACK! NO JOKE, I ALWAYS THOUGHT KAREN WOULD GROW UP TO PATTY!
AND TO MAKE THIS EVEN MORE SURREAL, THE BOYS ARE ON THE OTHER FUCKING SIDE OF THE ROOM!
THE GIRLS REALLY DON’T SEE THEM THERE? I KNOW IT’S A LIVE SHOW AND THE SETS ARE SMALL AND WE HAVE TO SUSPEND DISBELIEF; BUT THIS BOTHERS ME! THEY’RE LITERALLY IN THE GIRLS’ LINE OF VISON!
So this leads into the Pink Ladies/T-Birds asking Danny/Sandy about their summer, kicking off Summer Nights;
I have to say, they fucking NAILED the casting of Sandy with Julianne; because not only does she look like what Sandy should; the singing’s great. Unfortunately, Aaron may be a great singer; but he falls flat here. It’s like the guy watched the original movie before coming out to perform and decided to do a bad Travolta impression and it’s horrible! He even does the ‘OH’ like Travolta does in the movie!
But what completely FUCKING KILLS THIS FOR ME IS THE FACT THAT DANNY/SANDY SING THE LAST LINE OF THE SONG, RIGHT THE FUCK NEXT TO EACH OTHER!
I MEAN, HOW THE FUCK DOES SHE NOT SEE HIM?! I THINK IF A GUY WAS STANDING RIGHT THE FUCK NEXT TO ME, SINGING HIS HEART OUT AS THE SAME TIME I DECIDED TO DO SO; I’D FUCKING NOTICE! JUST TURN YOUR HEAD YOU GUYS, THE PERSON OF WHICH YOU SING OF IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE!
THE SAD THING IS, I’VE SEEN THE STAGE SHOW AND THE STAGE/SETS WERE SMALLER THAN THIS AND IT DIDN’T BOTHER ME NEARLY AS BAD! GOES TO SHOW YOU, THAT SOMETIMES BIGGER SETS AND PRODUCTIONS AREN’T ALWAYS BETTER!
So the song ends and the crowd goes nuts and we cut to a commercial break; but not before Mario Lopez commentates on what’s going on. DA FUCK? WHY? I KNOW THAT IN THE STAGE SHOW, VINCE WOULD PLAY MUSIC AND TALK TO THE AUDIENCE BEFORE THE STAGE SHOW; BUT THIS IS STUPID!
Coming back, we see the girls walking through the school with Sandy in her cheerleading uniform that SHE JUST SO HAPPENS TO HAVE NOW? Whatever.
And they ask her about the boy she met at the beach; who Sandy says is TOTALLY AN HONOR STUDENT THAT GOES TO A BOARDING SCHOOL SOMEWHERE! HE’S TOTALLY NOT THAT DUDE THAT WAS SINGING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LUNCHROOM/GYM AT ALL!
And after hearing the name DANNY ZUKO; Rizzo’s all over that shit, practically pissing her pants in glee. Bitch even tells Sandy that he ‘might turn up again, someday’ and this is why Rizzo’s my favorite character, she’s AMAZING! And Vanessa play her so well! The other Ladies leave Frenchy with Sandy; who asks if she thinks she’ll see Danny again someday. Frenchy gives an awesome answer; one that a few certain babysitters in fucking Stoneybrook SHOULD’VE REALLY LISTENED TO; ‘Us girls gotta be our own people and not relay on men’.
Then we find Eugene and Patty arguing over poster space for their respective interests;
And Eugene scores a spot for his rocket club poster by bribing Patty with the geek vote for her in the student council elections. BECAUSE THAT REALLY ADDED A LOT TO THE FUCKING STORY!
Then we get more announcements with McGee and Blanche; this time FOR THE FUCKING CHEERLEADING TRYOUTS THAT ARE HAPPENING IN MERE MOMENTS! SERIOUSLY? And then we get a lame joke about being ‘an athletic supporter’ and how a cheerleader needs to be on time, because ‘nothing makes a cheerleader more nervous than when she’s late’.
AND HOW THE COACH WANTS THE CHEERLEADERS TO START WEARING UNDERWEAR WHEN THEY HAVE TO BE ON TOP OF THE GODDAMN PYRAMID? DA HOLY FUCK?
WHY WOULDN’T THEY WEAR UNDERWEAR AGAIN? WOULDN’T THAT HURT IF THEY FELL OR SOMETHING?
We get to the tryouts and we get to see the damn audience again;
Which is really taking away from the actors; because instead of watching them, I’m wondering why they’re even there to being with. Anyway, Frenchy asks Rizzo why none of the Pink Ladies have ever tried out for cheerleading. And Rizzo gives the perfect answer, ‘I prefer to do my screaming in private.’ Me too, honey. Me too!
Sandy and Patty end up having A FUCKING CHEER-OFF; OF ALL THINGS! TO BIG BAND MUSIC, NO LESS!
(YOUTUBE BLOCKED THE CLIP; SUFFICE TO SAY, PATTY’S GETTING MORE AND MORE PISSED OFF THE BETTER SANDY DOES!)
Then we cut from the tryouts to the damn Pep Rally; AND I’M FUCKING LOST TO HOW THEY DID THAT! NO JOKE, THE CAMERA PULLS OUT FROM SANDY TO THE DAMN PEP RALLY! WHICH IS HAPPENING IN THE CAFETERIA/LUNCHROOM! AND THE COACH IS THE COP FROM HACKERS! AND BIG POPPA FROM WAITING TO EXHALE! DA FUCK IS GOING ON?
Anyhoo… so Coach Big Poppa is hoping to win for the first time in SEVEN YEARS OF SUCKAGE! GODDAMN, YOU EVER THINK IT’S YOUR COACHING AND NOT THE TEAMS; JUST SAYING! And then a little ad pops up at the bottom of the screen to Like/Tweet Grease on Facebook/Twitter.
Cut back to outside with the T-Birds hanging out and Doody begging FOR SOMEONE to listen to his guitar playing of four cords. Then all of a sudden, ‘Here comes Kenickie’ and THE CROWD FUCKING LOSES IT! YOU’D THINK HE SHOWED UP BARE ASSED OR SOMETHING! No, but he does show up in what will soon be known as Greased Lightning;
And Kenickie says that he’s planning on using it for the big race against the Scorpions at Thunder Road. The guys end up going inside to the Pep Rally, where Coach Big Poppa is STILL FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THE GAME! The camera pans across the stage to see ONLY THREE PLAYERS IN UNIFORM? MAYBE THAT’S WHY YOU KEEP LOSING COACH, THERE’S ONLY THREE GUYS ON THE FUCKING TEAM!
Sandy ends up talking to Not Lorenzo Lamas and who I’m guessing probably won’t look like this in fourteen years;
And then she meets up with Frenchy and the other Pink Ladies, who invite her to a slumber party for ‘initiation’, whatever that is. Rizzo ends up taking Sandy over to the T-Birds WHO ARE ACROSS THE FUCKING GYM AND BASICALLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER AND YET SOMEHOW; DANNY AND HER DIDN’T SEE EACH OTHER AT ALL! FUCKING HELL!
So at first, Danny’s all happy and shit about seeing Sandy; but then realizes that the other boys are watching and God Forbid asshole isn’t cool for five fucking seconds, so he ends up doing another BAD Travolta impression and blows her off.
Which makes Sandy pissed and she ends up throwing her pom-poms at me and running off. Now Rizzo’s all gleeful;
And Jan gives her best Charlotte York look at Danny;
Frenchy comforts Sandy with the whole ‘Men are rats, the only man a girl could depend on is her daddy’ speech’. And right before everyone leaves; Danny and Sandy stand across the gym to stare each other down and sing the rest two lines of Summer Nights again.
Because WHY THE FUCK NOT?
At the slumber party; we get Jan doing that ‘Brusha, Brusha’ thing, but this time instead of being entertaining… IT’S FUCKING ANNOYING!
Marty brings up that she’s a pen pal for a fuckton of Marines that all end her shit for letters; a kimono, jewelry box, bracelets and other things. WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE WRITE IN THE LETTERS?
This leads into another song; Freddy, My Love and…
WAIT… WHAT…
DA FUCK…
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? IS MARTY JUST STANDING IN FRENCHY’S ROOM HAVING A FUCKING DOUG FUNNIE MOMENT? I KNOW THIS SONG IS THE SHOW AND ALL, BUT THE GIRLS STILL SING IT IN THEIR PJ’S! THERE’S NO USO STAGE OR ANYTHING!
I will say that even though I’m not a fan of Keke Palmer in this particular role; she nailed the song! And it was nice seeing how happy she was when the audience cheered.
So, Doug Funnie moment over; Frenchy brings up that she’s dropping out of school to go to Beauty School. Rizzo brings out wine;
And Frenchy decides that she wants to pierce Sandy’s ears, so they go into the bathroom and Sandy ends up getting sick. The ladies end up talking about how Rizzo told the other T-Birds where they were gonna be, so they’ll be stopping by at some point. This kicks into Look at Me, I’m Sandra Dee.
Which, I won’t lie…this is the moment I knew that they made a great call casting Vanessa as Rizzo. This chick NAILED THE PART AND WAS TRULY THE BEST ONE TO WATCH!
Although, I admit changing the words from ‘Fongool’ to ‘Be Cool’ sucked!
Sandy comes out and catches them, but instead of a catfight; we get the boys pulling up outside.
And Rizzo yelling that she’ll come down for Kenickie if the rest of the boys leave.
So now down to four girls, they decide to go watch TV. Sandy stays behind to look in the mirror as she sings the last two lines of Sandra Dee to her reflection.
Cut to Rizzo/Kenickie making out in the back of the car.
She asks if he has a condom, but RUH-ROH! IT ENDS UP BREAKING BECAUSE IT WAS OLD AS SHIT! BUT FUCK IT, RIZZO DECIDES TO GIVE HIM SOME ANYWAY! BECAUSE FUCK CONDOMS, AM I RIGHT?
Leo, the head of the Scorpions comes up and hits his car.
And him and his girl Cha-Cha diss the car and Rizzo by calling both cheap. ALTHOUGH LEO WILL TRY TO FUCK HER LATER ON!
After the two leave, Rizzo’s still down to bang and they go at it.
Cut to the next day and we’re at the principal’s office with Barry Pearl, the producer for National Bandstand; and Miss McGee is trying to convince him that Rydall’s the best;
When Eugene and Patty come in to complain about using a room for their clubs; Rocket Club and Future Homemakers of America. Patty’s argument is to ‘think of the children’ and Eugene’s answer legit made me laugh my ass off with ‘THINK OF THE CHILDREN ON ROCKETS!’
Marty comes in with a late note and Barry starts staring at her; which kinda of makes me uncomfortable. Once Marty hears that Vince Fontaine sent him, she puts on a voice that’s trying to be crazy but comes across more like a cross between the Exorcist and Chris Farley’s Gap Girl Cindy when she was hungry.
She tells Barry to let Vince know, ‘That Marty’s waiting for him’. WAITING FOR HIM TO DO WHAT, EAT HIM? IT SOUNDS MORE BUFFALO BILL ‘WOULD YOU FUCK ME, I’D FUCK ME’ THEN ENTICING!
Cut to the boys in the garage, working on the car and MOTHERFUCKING JAN BRADY BOPS ON IN AS THE TEACHER!
She basically tells them that the car needs a new engine and they should probably just steal the shit they need from the parking lot; as long as it’s not from her car. Danny’s down and this leads to Greased Lightning; without the words, pussy, tit, shit, and cream.
And although it’s a good number, again Aaron’s miscast. My opinion? Carlos PenaVega and Aaron should’ve switched parts; I think Aaron would’ve been a great Kenickie and Carlos, a better Danny. Carlos could’ve rocked that number and I think Aaron would’ve been great as the wisecracking Kenickie. (*I’ve seen clips of Aaron as Roger from Rent and I heard he was in Hairspray and I think those roles are suited for him. This wasn’t. Hell, I think Zac Efron could’ve rocked as Danny, but since he and Vanessa used to date; that might not have gone over so well.)
This especially sucks because in the stage show, Kenickie’s the one who actually sings Greased Lightning and then Rizzo sings a version too!
Then we get MORE MARIO LOPEZ COMMENTARY! GOOD FUCK-A-DEE HELL, I’M SICK OF THIS GUY ALREADY AND HE HASN’T EVEN SHOWN UP YET! This time, he mentions that the cast gets around the set with golf carts. Thank God they don’t have to run from set to set! THOSE FUCKER’S ARE HUGE AND THE POOR CAST WOULD’VE PASSED THE FUCK OUT AFTER A FEW SCENES!
We come back and this time we’re at Frosty’s the ice-cream palace and as the T-Birds walk in, they get into an argument with the Scorpions and Didi Conn has to break it up.
The boys break it up and the T-Birds go sit down to eat as Doody keeps trying to play the opening cords to Those Magic Changes on his guitar.
Danny sees Sandy with the Not Lorenzo Lamas character;
And decides to try to talk to her when she goes to the jukebox to play some tunes. He does run into Karen Brewer on meth AKA Patty Simcox;
Who wants him to call sometime and I don’t remember if the stage version hinted that they might have dated at one point or that Danny may have flirted with her; but dude looks FUCKING TERRIFIED AT THE THOUGHT! HE EVEN SAYS NO AS HE RUNS OFF! THAT’S RIGHT, RUN TO SANDY!
He approaches with an apology, but Sandy so isn’t hearing that shit and says that she’s happy with Tom, the Not Lorenzo Lamas; because he’s ‘simple.’
They look over at Tom, who’s so busy building things out of all the crap on the table, he doesn’t even notice Danny trying to mack on his date. Danny makes that crack about Tom’s ‘brains being in his biceps, and that he could run circles around Tom any day’. Sandy says that ‘she’d believe it when she sees it’.
Doody runs up and asks Sandy to play J14 for him and this leads into Those Magic Changes.
And call me crazy, but does the beginning cords of that song sound like this:
AND IT’S TOTALLY NOT SUPPOSED TO AT ALL!
Anyway, this leads into Doody becoming more and more like Buddy Holly; even singing to all the girls in the Palace, including the Pink Ladies;
Plus the T-Birds, who totally ignore him by putting up menus and I legit at that and when Sonny put his down to nod his approval and put the menu back up.
This is another part of the show I liked; the song’s only sung in the stage show and it’s briefly heard at the prom in the movie with Travolta singing it. I’m happy they put it back in the play and Jordan Fisher/Doody nails it. It’s actually one of my favorite musical moments in the show.
As Doody moves from the Palace to the gym, we get him playing for the girls intercut with Danny trying to play sports for Coach Big Poppa;
Danny does end up running track like a boss and then makes up with Sandy and then joins Doody to sing the last verse of the song.
I really like this song, like I said it’s one of my favorite parts of this show; but the complete fucking awesomeness of it is RUINED BY CUTTING BACK TO DANNY TRYING OUT FOR SPORTS! THIS COULD’VE BEEN TWO SEPARATE SCENES!
Then we get a commercial break about the EIGHT FUCKING WEEKS IT TOOK TO MAKE THIS SHOW! EIGHT FUCKING WEEKS AND THIS WAS THE BEST THEY COULD DO? FUCKING HELL!
Cut back to Frosty’s with the T-Birds, Pink Ladies, Eugene and Patty all talking to their respective groups. Danny runs in with Sandy, past everyone to get their own table.
But that doesn’t work and the gang joins them eventually.
Rizzo and Kenickie fight about NOTHING, Frenchy has a scarf on her head to hide the epic fuck-up/awesomeness on her head and the crew talks about the dance/TV show being on LIVE TV! Julianne actually has a Meta moment with this line; ‘Who wants to watch a bunch of amateurs dancing on live TV?’ This is actually AMAZING to think about because Julianne is a skilled dancer, if anything… she’s the only real ‘dancer’ among the cast probably. One by one, everyone leaves and Rizzo dumps the shake on Kenickie.
Frenchy’s the only one left and Didi Conn comes out in a surreal moment with the Past/Present Frenchy side by side;
Present Frenchy reveals her pink hair and I have no idea why she didn’t just rock that hairstyle; I would. But then I’m a chick that snarks movies and books on the internet, for God’s sake. So, Frenchy tells Didi that she dropped out of both high school AND beauty school and doesn’t know where to go from her. Didi tells her that she’ll alright and leaves, and in a funny moment…forgets to hit the switch for light to go off, just like the original waitress did in the movie. She misses it by like a mile!
This leads into a brand new song, ‘All I need is an Angel’; sung by Frenchy.
This is another part I really liked in the movie, Carly Rae does a fine job and the song’s pretty good. There’s nothing wrong here at all.
After nailing that song; we get the counter spinning to reveal….BOYZ II MEN AS TEEN ANGELS!
Only without Michael McCary; who left the group because of health issues.
The song’s still good though, I mean it…there’s nothing wrong with this scene.
Except for Jan trying to mount Wanya;
which I legit nearly fell off the bed from laughing so hard.
Cut to a commercial that talks about the costuming and how everyone had to wear layers upon layers of clothing for the quick changes. Which must have been a HUGE pain in the ass!
Now it’s time for… THE DANCE SCENE!!
Patty/Eugene are outside the dance to collect money/sign up blood donors and one by one the T-Birds/Pink Ladies all come with their dates;
Including Rizzo with Leo; the guy who called her cheap before:
Kenickie and Cha-Cha;
Who really looks too old to be playing this part. To be fair, so did Annette Charles who played her in the movie; but at least Annette portrayed Cha-Cha as sexy and was a great dancer. This chick looked like a teacher chaperoning the dance, instead of being a kid at it.
There’s almost a fight between Kenickie and Leo over the girls; and then Danny runs in with Sandy to stop it.
And upon seeing Danny, Cha-Cha nearly creams her panties because Danny and her totally used to bang. Now, Sandy’s all jealous because Cha-Cha’s known as ‘the best dancer at St. Bernadette’s, with the worst reputation’ as Frenchy says. (I’ll come back to that statement in a few.)
Vince Fontaine even makes an appearance and Marty nearly pisses herself in glee over it.
Everyone heads into the dance, even Patti and Eugene and as they walk in, we hear Joe Jonas’ band DNCE as Johnny Casino and the Gamblers.
(AND YOUTUBE TOOK THIS ONE DOWN TOO! SORRY! THEY ALSO TOOK DOWN THE HANDJIVE DANCE SCENE!)
And while I’ve never heard a single song from any of the Jonas brothers; Joe’s during a good job. The dancing’s not bad either; or what I CAN EVEN SEE OF IT ISN’T! THE CAMERA’S SPINNING AROUND SO DAMN MUCH, I GET DIZZY JUST WATCHING! (*I COULDN’T GET GOOD SCREENSHOTS OF ANYTHING, SORRY GUYS! IT’S ALL IN THE CLIP THOUGH!)
THE MOST AMAZING PART OF THIS? IS THIS WTF:
LOOK FUCKING FAMILIAR?
STOP TRYING TO BE JOHN FUCKING TRAVOLTA! YOU CAN’T BE JOHN FUCKING TRAVOLTA!
Anyway, Sandy and Danny talk as they dance about Sandy being nervous about being on camera;
And he calms her down some. Then we pan to Leo/Kenickie being pissed at each guy is with the other’s girls, with Kenickie more pissed that Cha-Cha’s busy EYE-FUCKING THE SHIT OUT OF DANNY! ALL BECAUSE ‘HE’S A GOOD DANCER!’ Ok, I admit I’ve never seen Aaron Tveit dance at all and I couldn’t find clips online; but I have found clips of Carlos PenaVega dancing and AGAIN; WHY DIDN’T THESE TWO JUST SWITCH PARTS? CARLOS WOULD’VE ROCKED THE DANCING!
Marty, on her mission to get some of Mario Lopez; heads backstage…
Realizes the guy’s too old for her, he calls himself ‘EROTICALLY ALIVE’ and she bolts.
• First off, WHY IS THIS SOMEHOW MORE CREEPIER THAN IT WAS IN THE ORIGINAL MOVIE? AND EDD BRYNES WAS THREE TIMES MARTY’S AGE IN THE MOVIE!
• SECOND, IT JUST OCCURS TO HER FUCKING NOW? SHE REALLY HAD NO FUCKING CLUE THAT THIS WAS A GROWN ASS MAN SHE WAS DEALING WITH?
• AND LASTLY, HOW DOES MARIO LOPEZ LOOK ALMOST THE FUCKING SAME, BUT BETTER AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?!
I GUESS ALL THE SUBPLOT OF MARTY/VINCE WAS REMOVED BECAUSE THEY FIGURED KIDS WOULD BE WATCHING OR SOMETHING! FUCKING HELL!
Coach Big Poppa comes out with the ground rules of the live broadcast; ‘everyone’s on their best behavior, only couples allowed, they leave the floor once tapped out, and no dirty dancing at all’; because that movie’s already had a shitty sequel. Then Mario comes out to do the ol’ talking fast bit that Edd did in the movie, but it just comes out full of suckage.
This leads into the HAND JIVE DANCE CONTEST!!
AND THERE’S SO MUCH BULLSHIT WITHIN THIS SCENE; I GOTTA DO SOME MORE FUCKING BULLET POINTS!
• FIRST… BEFORE I LIST ALL THE OTHER SHIT I HATE ABOUT THIS SCENE… I GOTTA ADDRESS THE FUCKING ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!
THIS IS NOT THE FUCKING HAND JIVE! WHEN I FIRST WATCHED AND LIVE FACEBOOK CHATTED WITH THE GIRLS; NONE OF US KNEW WHAT THE FUCK WAS EVEN GOING ON! APPARENTLY, THE ASSHOLES THAT MADE THIS FUCKING THING TOOK IT UPON THEMSELVES TO MAKE A GODDAMN NEW HAND JIVE! FOR THE RECORD, THIS IS WHAT IT’S SUPPOSED TO FUCKING LOOK LIKE:
• SECOND… WHAT IS THIS SHIT?
WHY IS HIS CROTCH SLAPPING RIZZO IN THE FACE? SO SAYING THE WORDS SHIT, TIT AND PUSSY IS BAD; BUT NEARLY DICK SLAPPING A GIRL IN THE HEAD WAS PERFECTLY OKAY?
• THIRD… SANDY REALLY NEEDS TO DUMP DANNY! BECAUSE THE FACT THAT SHE MAKES THIS FACE WHEN THE CAMERA’S ON HER:
AND MOTHERFUCKER NOT ONLY DOESN’T FOLLOW HER OFF THE DANCE FLOOR, BUT BUMPS AND GRINDS WITH AN EX INSTEAD…MEANS HE’S AN ASSHOLE AND SHE NEEDS TO GET THE FUCK OUT!
WHICH LEADS ME TO…
• LASTLY… IF YOU HIRE AN ACTRESS LIKE JULIANNE HOUGH THAT’S KNOWN FOR HER GODDAMN DANCING ABILITY; WHY DON’T YOU HIRE ANOTHER GIRL TO PLAY CHA-CHA THAT CAN…I DUNNO… ACTUALLY FUCKING DANCE BETTER THAN SHE CAN? OR DANCE AT ALL? BECAUSE THIS SHIT;
ISN’T FUCKING DANCING! IT’S GRINDING AT THE CLUB!
Of course, Danny and Cha-Cha win. HOW I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA, BECAUSE I’VE DANCED BETTER THAN THAT DRUNK OFF MY ASS; BUT WHATEVER! MOTHERFUCKING DANNY ACTUALLY DANCED WAYY BETTER WITH SANDY, BUT AGAIN! I JUST SNARK THIS SHIT, I DIDN’T FILM IT!
And Danny and Cha-Cha have a slow dance.
Which sadly, doesn’t end with the T-Birds mooning the camera. Don’t know why they couldn’t have the guys just wear boxers or something, but whatever.
Cut to Sandy standing outside the dance and WAIT… WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
https://youtu.be/2GVmRaIc_bs
THIS DOESN’T BELONG HERE! THIS IS THE POINT YOU DECIDE TO HAVE THE SONG; WITH SANDY STANDING OUTSIDE THE DANCE?! SO THIS MEANS THAT IF DANNY TOOK THE TWO FUCKING SECONDS TO GO LOOK FOR HER, HE WOULD’VE JUST FOUND HER RIGHT THERE?! FUCKING HELL!
THE ONLY GOOD PART ABOUT THIS IS; JULIANNE FUCKING NAILS THE SONG! I’LL SAY IT AGAIN, BECAUSE IN THIS SHITSHOW IT BEARS REPEATING… THEY FUCKING NAILED SANDY WITH JULIANNE’S CASTING!
Now we get to the morning after the dance and Blanche and Miss McGee are hungover from the spiked punch. And APPARENTLY BLANCHE HAD TOO GOOD A TIME AT THE DANCE, BECAUSE THEY FOUND HER FUCKING BRA UNDER THE BLEACHERS? DA FUCK? AND SHE TOTALLY HAS TO TELL MCGEE ABOUT IT, BECAUSE SHE THINKS IT’S A STUDENT’S!
Then we get to the drive-in, so that means that two minute scene at the school? WAS TOTALLY FUCKING POINTLESS! Anyway, we’re at the set of a drive-in and the T-Birds come in to meet the Pink Ladies. Danny and Sandy are sitting in a car, talking about Cha-Cha and all that BULLSHIT;
And Sandy reveals that the reason she freaked out about the cameras was that her parents thought she was studying with Frenchy and she didn’t want them to know about the dance. The two almost kiss, but she pulls away; so Danny yanks off his ring and ELBOWS HER RIGHT IN THE CHEST WHILE DOING SO!
He gives her the ring, asking to go steady and she says yes, ‘because now, she knows he respects her.’ Which makes Danny pull this face…
Look at that face! It’s the face of a man who knows he’s not getting any pussy tonight. Or ever, really.
Cut to Rizzo and Marty at the snack counter and GUESS WHAT KIDS? RIZZO MIGHT BE PREGNANT!
And after vowing Marty to silence; bitch goes and rats her out and this gets to Kenickie in record fucking time.
Because you know, he’s standing RIGHT FUCKING THERE! He offers to ‘do the right thing, because it’s his mistake’ but OH SNAP! IT’S NOT KENICKIE’S AT ALL, BUT SOMEONE ELSE’S!
WELL, CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT THEY SLEPT TOGETHER MONTHS AGO….NO SHIT IT’S NOT HIS!
Back with Blue Balls and Sandy; he does the old ‘I’m gonna fake a fucking yawn and sneeze in order to get closer to you’, that all fucking guys do as teenagers and it’s annoying as fuck every. SINGLE.TIME!
He does succeed in getting closer, but it’s shot to shit when he tries to cop a feel and basically dives on top of the poor girl.
Which causes Sandy to haul ass, throwing the ring at him as she does so. And this leads to the song, Sandy.
The opening lines of which my husband sang, ‘Stranded at the Drive-In, Alone with my Blue Balls.’
It’s done really well too, I have to say. The only problem I have with this scene is… WHERE’S THE FUCKING HOT DOG JUMPING INTO THE BUN AT THE END?! FUCK IT, I MADE THIS FOR YOU GUYS:
IN HONOR OF DANNY HAVING BLUE BALLS!
Another commercial passes, this time about the eight weeks of dance practice and I don’t care. After watching the dance sequence, I’m fucking pissed off.
Back in the garage, the boys show Jan Brady the new Grease Lightening;
And Kenickie asks Danny to be his ‘second’ in the race, the boys have a quick hug and break apart like it never happened. Then Eugene comes in, talking about speed and how he can help them win the race. And there’s something about radiation being in his briefcase or something.
Then we cut to Patty and her friends talking smack about Rizzo being pregnant and not knowing who the father is, because Patty really is Karen fucking Brewer!
Sandy ends up defending Rizzo to Patty; and after she leaves, Rizzo and her talk a bit. Rizzo says that Danny really likes/loves Sandy, she can tell by the way he looks at her and that no guy ever looked at her like that before. Sandy tells her the ‘right guy will’ and she runs off to the race. This leads into…THE BEST FUCKING PART OF THE SHOW!
I MEAN IT, VANESSA DOES THIS SO WELL… IT ALMOST BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE! No joke, this is my favorite song in the play and if I wasn’t sure Vanessa was the right casting before, this scene blows that thought right out of the water! Vanessa went on Twitter before the show and said that she was dedicating her performance to her father and I have to say; SHE DID HIM PROUD!
After another commercial, we get to the race at Thunder Road and Eugene tells the guys that there’s a possibility that THE FUCKING CAR COULD FLY OR BLOW UP? DA FUCK? Does this mean we get to see a car fly like at the end of the movie? Cool.
The Scorpions roll up, now with Cha-Cha back because she’s a dirty slut and they say they’re racing for the slips to the cars. Rizzo comes up to tell Kenickie to be careful and this makes him realize that he doesn’t want to leave Rizzo alone with a baby, he wants to help her take care of the kid even if it’s not his. He pulls Danny to the side to tell him, but doesn’t want to be seen as a chicken. So Danny fakes that he sees a penny on the floor and when Kenickie bends to get it, he hits with the car door.
This way, Kenickie has an easy out and Danny can volunteer to drive instead. I like that the writers wrote that in this version, it’s better than Kenickie got knocked out by the car door by accident for a stupid reason. This actually shows the friendship between the two guys and it makes Kenickie look like a good guy and not just a bad boy.
Sandy comes up to Danny to tell him not to do it ‘because it’s expected’ to which Danny replies that she’s doing it for a friend.
Then the race happens. AND IT’S FUCKING HORRIBLE! I MEAN IT, YOU CAN TELL THE CARS STAY IN PLACE AND IT’S JUST THE WHEELS SPINNING AROUND! Whatever, Danny wins and he GIVES EUGENE A T-BIRD JACKET? DA HOLY FUCK?
THEY MADE EUGENE A GODDAMN T-BIRD?! OKAY! WHATEVER!
Sandy sings the reprise of Sandra Dee and Rizzo joins her for a talk. Sandy wonders’ what the point of living is, without taking risks’, something Danny said earlier that I forgot to mention. And Rizzo says that the Pink Ladies can help her be happy. Sandy leaves with the girls, but not before saying Good-bye to Sandra Dee.
After ANOTHER commercial about how the fuck they pulled this off; we cut to the office for announcements on the last day of school. It’s word for fucking word what’s already in the movie, so I’m not recapping it. Sorry.
Now we’re in the gym for the carnival/fair and we see the T-Birds throwing pies at Coach Big Poppa; and they suck. Eugene almost makes it;
And this actually makes Patty so turned on… SHE ASKS TO SEE HIS ROCKET? DA FUCK?
And they run off together.
USE A CONDOM, OTHERWISE YOU’LL FIND YOURSELF IN THE SAME SITUATION YOU WERE JUST KNOCKING RIZZO FOR!
Kenickie meets up with Rizzo and tells her that he wants to marry her and help her out; and she says that it was a false alarm. He still wants to marry her and she realizes that he’s looking at her with love and they kiss.
And everyone gets together;
So everyone’s happy.
Danny comes up in his letter sweater for track, talking about how he wants to change for Sandy and the guys rib him for it.
Then Sandy comes in, complete in black leather and the crowd going nuts behind her.
Leading to The One That I Want!
Which is also done pretty well, it’s just the revolving camera makes me dizzy.
When it ends, Frenchy asks what will happen to them after graduation and Danny says not to worry; leading to…
WE GO TOGETHER!
Which takes the cast outside to the golf carts to drive to where the play started.
And the one holding Coach Big Poppa hits a curb, and everyone nearly falls out!
They get to the front of the school, where there’s rides and things. And the cast sing the final notes together.
Then we have the curtain call with everyone;
and Didi and Barry come out with their T-Bird/Pink Lady jackets from the movie during their call.
The only bad part? NO FUCKING FLYING CAR! THEY LIED TO ME!
The show ends with a dedication to Greg Hudgens during the credits.
The Good Parts:
Cast:
• Vanessa Hudgens DID AN AMAZING FUCKING JOB WITH THIS ROLE! Especially having to deal with such tragedy, she did well and you’d never know it at all.
• Julianne Hough did really well as Sandy, I just wish they utilized her dancing ability a little more.
• Carlos PenaVega did a really good job as Kenickie, I just think he would’ve done even better as Danny.
• Jordan Fisher was a great Doody and I loved the song they gave him.
The songs I liked:
• There are Worse Things I could do. Vanessa did such a good job with it, it really almost made me cry.
• Hopelessly Devoted to You. Julianne not only looks like a young Olivia Newton-John, in my opinion, she sounds like her too!
• Those Magic Changes. Jordan Fisher did very well and I liked the Buddy Holly touches in his performance. I just wish that it wasn’t intercut with Danny trying out for Coach Big Poppa.
• All I need is an Angel. I love this new addition and Carly Rae was the perfect one to sing it.
Also, I loved how HAPPY Barry and Didi looked whenever they were on screen! Watch the ending, they’re beaming from ear to ear at the curtain call!
The Bad Parts:
NEARLY EVERYTHING ELSE! I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING; THE STAGING WAS HORRIBLE AT TIMES, THE FAST CAMERA GAVE ME A HEADACHE, MOST OF THE CAST WAS MISCAST AND LASTLY… THERE WAS NO FUCKING HAND JIVE!
Miscasting:
• Keke Palmer as Marty. I think she would’ve been a great Patty, I think with the type of haughty voice she was using; she could’ve rocked Patty.
• I don’t think Kelter Donohue as Jan was that bad, but THAT VOICE! WHO THE HELL TOLD HER TO USE A CHIPMUNK VOICE NON-STOP?
• Aaron Tveit as Danny. Again, I’ve seen clips of other shows and I know he can sing and act. And he does it well too, I just don’t think this was the part for him. Now if he and Carlos switched parts, it may have worked.
I was not a fan of this show at all and that hurts me to say because I’m one of the biggest fans of Grease! I’ve owned the album, I saw the stage show and I was almost in my junior high production. I was really hoping this would be good, but it just wasn’t.
Well kids, that’s all for this week. Hope you all enjoyed this, thanks for reading and I’ll see you soon without something new! Thanks again!