HELLO MY PEEPS! IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER MOVIE SNARK!
THIS TIME OVER AT CHANNEL SURFING IN HELL; WE’RE GONNA BE LOOKING AT ANOTHER ‘THIS MAN IS SUCH A HOTTIE/SWEETIE; HE JUST CAN’T BE A KILLER!’ TYPE LIFETIME MOVIE! AND THIS TIME… IT’S ACTUALLY A MADE-FOR-TV MOVIE! WITH TORI SPELLING NO LESS!
THAT’S RIGHT KIDS; SUGGESTED BY SAMMI-T OVER AT TV GRAPEVINE AND FOOTBALL IN HIGH HEELS… IT’S TIME FOR…
MOTHER, MAY I SLEEP WITH DANGER?
THANK YOU FOR THIS UNLEASHING THIS BATSHIT INSANE, AWESOME MOVIE UPON US ALL!
Ivan Sergei;
AND
MY YOUTH’S QUEEN OF LIFETIME MOVIES; TORI SPELLING!
Ah… Tori Spelling; your presence in many Lifetime movies has seriously brought much joy to my heart over the years! So much cheesy, batshit goodness to be found!
This movie was actually based on the book of the same name by author Claire R. Jacobs; and according to the reviews on Amazon, it’s not a bad book! I might have to add it my wish list after this! The movie was directed by Jorge Montesi; who’s directed a ton of eps for different shows and TV Movies over the years.
‘Mother…’ was originally supposed a theatrically released movie; but failed to find distribution, finally premiering as an NBC Movie of the Week on Sept. 30, 1996. Three years later; it was actually released in Swedish and Argentina cinemas in 1999/2000 and direct to VHS in Japan in 1998. And apparently, in 2004 Tori Spelling started a campaign to release the movie on DVD and after SEVEN FUCKING YEARS; in 2011 Sony finally did just that, complete with an alternate ending I couldn’t find ANY INFO ABOUT AT ALL!
WHAT’S THE ALTERNATE ENDING, SONY?
(*All Info found at IMDB and Wikipedia!)
Click to view
*BTW; THE BACK OF THE DVD TOTALLY SPOILS THE MOVIE! AND YOU GOTTA LOVE THE PIC THEY USED OF TORI SPELLING ON THE COVER; IT LOOKS LIKE A PROMO SHOT FOR 90210 OR SOMETHING!
We open on a Jeep pulling up to this huge house;
As a pop song plays and it isn’t bad;
and the lyrics actually fit the situation.
So anyway, the Jeep pulls up to the house; and some blonde chick gets out, kisses the driver goodbye and goes into it.
As the car pulls away, the camera pans to the driver and… WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE?!
IS THAT MOTHERFUCKING LOCHLYN MUNRO FROM DEAD MAN ON CAMPUS AND WHITE CHICKS? *CHECKS IMDB* IT TOTALLY IS! HOLY SHIT, THAT’S AWESOME!
Then we pan from Lochlyn driving away to see someone else’s car sitting outside the blonde chick’s house and I know who this is SUPPOSED to be; but judging by the AWESOME manicure… I REALLY CAN’T TELL!
SO I’M GUESSING THIS WAS ACTUALLY A STAND-IN OR SOMETHING? WHATEVER!
We cut to Blondie inside her bedroom, changing and talking on the phone.
She tells whoever’s on the other end all about Lochlyn; AKA Kevin Shane and how he drove her home from ‘Splash Palace’ which I’m guessing is an ‘Action Park’ rip-off or something. She goes to tell the person that she hopes that Kevin likes her; even though she ALREADY HAS A FREAKIN’ BOYFRIEND! FUCKING HELL, REALLY? YOU DO KNOW THAT’S BAD FORM RIGHT? Then she says that she’s totally breaking up the boyfriend, because he’s so ‘DRAMATIC’ and ‘CLINGY’ all the time! OK, that being said… BREAK UP WITH HIM, THEN DATE THIS KEVIN SHANE GUY! DON’T BANG ONE AND DATE THE OTHER, IT’S JUST FUCKED UP!
The bell rings, so Blondie hangs the phone up and goes to answer the door. Once she does, we only see who it is from the back; but judging by her reaction… I’m guessing this is the soon to be broken-hearted boyfriend.
Dude gives her a teddy bear and a jewelry box with a ring in it.
The guy or Billy comes in and they kiss a bit; with him wanting to go upstairs, even though she tells him ‘NOT NOW’! But Billy tells her that ‘her body’s so perfect, he just can’t help himself’ and THAT WON’T HOLD UP IN A COURT OF LAW, ASSHOLE!
He asks to go upstairs with her, because she claims that she doesn’t want people to see them and REALLY? HOW THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE GONNA SEE YOU IN THE HOUSE; DO YOU NORMALLY FUCK WITH THE SHADES UP OR SOMETHING? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!
So they head upstairs; all the while her declaring that’s too damn hot to get busy and Billy vows that he just wants to ‘snuggle, NOT make the love’ and he swears to only take a few minutes.
They go up to Blondie’s room and kiss a bit more;
Until he notices that ALL THE PICTURES AND POEMS HE GAVE HER ARE NOW IN A CARDBOARD BOX, INSTEAD OF ON HER WALLS! DA FUCK?!
AGAIN; YOU SHOULD’VE BROKE UP WITH HIM ALREADY, BLONDIE!
AND THE REASON SHE GIVES BILLY FOR TAKING DOWN ALL HIS STUFF? SHE CLAIMS HER DAD’S GONNA BE RE-PAINTING HER BEDROOM! Billy sees right through that sack of shit and THROWS HER DOWN ON HER BED; YELLING THAT SHE SUCKS AT LYING!
She kicks him off and they run downstairs to the kitchen; with Billy yelling about how she never thought he was good enough for her and TOTALLY OWNS HER ASS ABOUT SLUTTING IT UP WITH KEVIN SHANE!
Which OF COURSE; she totally denies, EVEN THOUGH BILLY WAS WAITING IN HIS CAR RIGHT OUTSIDE! Then Billy asks why the fuck she even ‘made the love’ with him if she didn’t ‘love’ him and…Billy? THAT WASN’T ‘MAKING LOVE’, IT WAS STRAIGHT UP FUCKING! THERE’S A DIFFERENCE! Blondie agrees with me and tells him that he’s the one that put so much emotion into it, and I gotta love the role-reversal; usually it’s soo the other way around in these type of movies! Anyway, he calls her a liar and she tells him that she never lied at all; and REALLY? YOU TOTALLY DID BY SNEAKING AROUND WITH KEVIN AND BY LEADING BILLY ON! I KNOW I’M SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF BILLY AND ALL; BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT BLONDIE’S COMING OFF LIKE A COMPLETE BITCH! WHY WAS SHE CONTINUING TO FUCK BILLY IF SHE DIDN’T LIKE HIM; I GET BOOTY CALLS ARE A THING, BUT THEN BE STRAIGHT UP WITH THE GUY! DON’T LEAD PEOPLE ON; IT’S JUST WRONG!
Billy gets so pissed off, he shoves a row of glasses off the kitchen counter and Blondie tells him to get the fuck out and goes to call the cops; saying he’s an ‘idiot’. This leads to… BILLY BEATING HER TO FUCKING DEATH WITH A COOKIE TIN?!
HE BEATS HER TO DEATH WITH A GODDAMN COOKIE TIN?! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THAT, YOU GUYS! I’M ONLY MINUTES INTO THIS THING AND ALREADY IT’S GONE FROM BORING TO BALLS TO THE WALL, BATSHIT INSANE!
Billy ends up cleaning up the mess and then goes up to her room, where he packs her stuff like she ran away or something and then dumps her body in the trunk of her own car and drives away.
Cut back to the house that fades into a college campus, as the title card comes up and the pop song from before plays;
I’M ONLY FIVE MINUTES INTO THIS MOVIE, FOLKS! FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS KIDS; IT’S GOING TO BE A BUMPY RIDE!!
Now we’re in a college English class, talking about Daisy Miller and we went the lead of this movie, Laurel;
Whose busy lacing up her running shoes for after class. We get some arguing banter back and forth between her and the teacher and after class; we see her running/jogging through campus.
Which LOOKS FUCKING HILARIOUS! I MEAN, THE CHARACTER’S SUPPOSED TO BE THIS BIG TRACK STAR OR SOMETHING; BUT IT’S OBVIOUS THAT TORI ISN’T! WAS IT SO HARD FOR HER TO PRACTICE OR SOMETHING; MAYBE DO SOME RUNS ON HER OWN, OR GET A TRAINER, ANYTHING?!
She runs into Jackson, a friend of hers:
And the actor totally played this same part, within the SAME FUCKING YEAR NO LESS! As the friend who gets his ass kicked/killed in the movie similar to this in soo many ways; Fear! Guess he got typecast a lot!
Anyway, Jackson wants to ask her out and she totally blows him off by citing that she ‘has a ton of stuff to do’ and dude DOESN’T GET THE FUCKING HINT!
She finally has to tell him, as she runs off; that she’s seeing someone and I would think that’s what you would lead with, but WHAT THE FUCK DO I KNOW? I JUST SNARK CRAP ON THE INTERNET!
We cut to track practice and the Coach talks to Laurel about making sure her health is top notch; because it turns out that Laurel struggled with an eating disorder in the past and now the coach is telling her that since she lied about being hospitalized in the past, she can’t run track. She especially doesn’t like that Laurel’s still dieting and that she had to hear it from her mom, not Laurel herself. She ends up acting like a small child by quitting the team; you know instead of ACTUALLY PROVING THAT SHE’S TAKING CARE OF HERSELF OR SOMETHING!
Next we see Laurel doing laundry with her mom, and she basically tells her to STAY THE FUCK OUT OF HER LIFE; because how dare a mother be cautious with her daughter’s health?!
Mom says that she worries about Laurel a lot; apparently she’s carrying a double major, she’s on the track team and she’s studying for a program in… China?! OK, THEN! WHAT IS SHE NOW, A PERFECT PERKINS GIRL?! Anyway, they make a deal: Mom will butt out of Laurel’s business and Laurel won’t overextend herself. Laurel then says that she met a guy; one that’s ‘funny, smart and NOT in a band.’ Was this a common thing for her; nothing but rocker guys? That would have been interesting to see; all I’m sayin’! Mom wants to meet him now, over some weekend.
Cut to Mom putting food out that she totally ordered in;
and Laurel comes over; teasing her about it.
She shows her mom a ring that her new boyfriend gave her and IT’S THE SAME FUCKING RING BILLY GAVE BLONDIE BEFORE!
GEE, I WONDER WHO HER NEW BOYFRIEND IS; YOU GUYS?
There’s a knock on the door and with a promise to be nice; mom opens it and GUESS WHAT? IT’S FUCKING BILLY! ONLY NOW HE’S GOING BY KEVIN SHANE; HE TOTALLY RIPPED OFF HIS DEAD GIRLFRIEND’S NEW BOYFRIEND’S NAME!
WHY WOULD HE DO THAT; WHAT HAPPENS IF HE RUNS INTO THE REAL KEVIN?!
At dinner, it looks like everyone’s having an awkward time as Mom finds out stuff about Billy (as he’ll still be known here, even though everyone else calls him Kevin); like that he has a motorcycle AND that he’s going to medical school.
And afterwards, Mom and Billy sit to talk as Laurel makes coffee and Billy proceeds to LIE HIS FUCKING ASS OFF all about his dad being on some board of directors of someplace called Care Share. And OF COURSE; MOM JUST HAPPENS TO HAVE A FRIEND NAMED DR. ZOLA THAT JUST SO HAPPENS TO WORK THERE!
I WONDER IF THAT’LL BE IMPORTANT LATER ON!
Billy swiftly changes the fucking subject back to Laurel; saying that she should work in journalism, ‘that way they’d never be apart’.
RUN LAUREL, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Mom even asks if he’s planning WAYY too far into the fucking future and the Nutcake is all;
About the whole thing. He goes to say that his parents died in a helicopter accident while skiing in Austria; and that the side of the mountain came down or some such shit, I’m still on why Mom’s radar didn’t go off the second this asshole said ‘together forever’; WHEN THEY’VE ONLY BEEN DATING A SHORT WHILE AT THIS POINT! FUCKING HELL!
Mom and Laurel end up talking in the kitchen,
As Billy’s stalker ass watches from another room. Mom wants Laurel to be careful, especially with sex, which I think goes without saying!
Cut to the happy couple walking a few days later; and Billy tells Laurel that he loves her ‘soo much’. Laurel says that she’s ‘not quite there yet’, which is a little cold; but whatever. They talk about Laurel’s dad a bit; and how he died a couple of years after her parents divorced, so she doesn’t remember him all that well. Then she asks if he’ll ‘protect her from everyone and everything’; which is really not the type of question you wanna ask someone this fucking clingy. Just sayin’!
They end up kissing;
and in the next scene, we see that Billy basically spends all his time just spying on Laurel as she runs all over campus.
That night, she heads back to her dorm and Billy ends up scaring the ever-loving SHIT OUT OF HER WHEN HE JUMPS OUT FROM THE SHADOWS! DA HOLY FUCK, DUDE?
He’s all upset that she didn’t answer when he called and why is she out running when she was supposed to be the library and IT’S BEEN TWO HOURS SINCE HE’S HEARD FROM HER!
DUMP HIM, LAUREL! THESE ARE THE EARLY WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!
This goes on and on; with Billy telling her that she has no reason to be running so damn much anymore, because it’s not like she’s even on the team or anything. Laurel says that he’s not her damn bodyguard and goes to head into the room; and when he tries to follow her, she tells that’s it’s not a co-ed dorm, no boys allowed. Then she asks just what has his panties in a goddamn twist about; was he fucking bleeding to death when he called? His answer? ‘When I don’t see you, I bleed to death.’
Laurel just about RUNS into the fucking dorm; AS WOULD ANYONE REALLY; and promises to do something with him this weekend. Kevin FUCKING RUNS AFTER HER AND PUSHES HIS WAY INTO THE DORM; SAYING THAT’S ‘FOUR DAYS FROM NOW, HE MISSES HER AND THIS IS MESSING UP HIS PLANS FOR THE FUTURE, A FUTURE HE WON’T HAVE WITHOUT HER IN IT!’
Laurel tells him that he’s moving WAYY too fucking fast and that she likes him, but he should call her another time. He ends up leaving pissed off, as the roomates are freaked the fuck out!
WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED; HE WAS UPSET SHE DIDN’T CALL AND THEN PROCEEDED TO PUSH HIS WAY INTO HER ROOM TO… WHAT? SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF HER SOME MORE? I KNOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO SHOW THAT HE’S PSYCHO AND ALL; BUT THEY WERE ALL LOVEY-DOVEY NOT TWO SCENES AGO! AND I KNOW I’M SUPPOSED TO BE ALL SCARED/FREAKED OUT ABOUT BILLY AND ALL; BUT THIS IS FUCKING HILARIOUS! IVAN’S PLAYING IT SOOO OVER THE TOP; THE MOVIE’S A BORDERLINE COMEDY AT THIS POINT!
Then we cut to Laurel doing aerobics on the campus lawn the next day; and she gets a flower delivery of roses from Billy. That she doesn’t look too fucking happy about, it looks like.
WHY IS THE DELIVERY GIRL GETTING THE EVIL EYE, DOES LAUREL THINK SHE’S BANGING BILLY TOO? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!
Cut to Billy sleeping like a baby, curled up into a ball; when there’s a knock at his door;
And it’s Laurel, coming to thank him for the flowers. He invites her in and she says she can’t because she has a class; even though she comes in anyway. Whatever. Billy makes some tea and she starts talking about how her dad used to bring her mom flowers after every fight, but not for any other reason. No wonder she was so pissed off, then. Billy tells her that he won’t ever stop bringing her flowers for any reason and explains that he was mad because he felt like she was abandoning him and he doesn’t like feeling that way. He blames the death of his parents for this. This gets her soo hot; the next thing you know… she tells him that she wants to get closer and then THEY’RE TOTALLY DRY HUMPING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER ON THE COUCH! I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING; TORI’S GRINDING ON HIS LAP AND THERE’S LOTS OF SOUNDS OF CLOTHING BEING RUSTLED AND LIPS/TONGUES SMACKING! IT ALMOST MAKES MARK’S SEX SOUNDS IN THE ROOM SOUND BETTER BY COMPARISON!
IT’S HARD TO TELL, IT CUTS AWAY TO THE NEXT SCENE BEFORE WE SEE ANYTHING GOOD!
Then we cut to Lochlyn Munro, AKA THE REAL MOTHERFUCKING KEVIN SHANE! Driving in his Jeep. He calls a motel to book a room.
Cut to Fake Kevin; Billy Boy trying to make a phone call to Laurel, but getting her answering machine instead.
He hears a message from her mom saying THAT IF SHE’S DONE DATING KEVIN, SHE TOTALLY HAS ANOTHER GUY FOR HER TO BE SET UP WITH?! DA HELL? THAT’S FUCKED UP, MOM!
Later on, we see Laurel laying on some grass as Billy massages her shoulders and back.
He says that her ‘body’s perfect’ and FUCKING REALLY? YOU COULDN’T THINK OF ANY OTHER LINES, BILLY? He even says that Laurel’s ‘close to the perfect woman’ and I roll my eyes so goddamn hard, I nearly knocked my glasses off!
He goes to say that if she dyed her hair blonde; she’d be ‘hot, sexy, beautiful.’ So.. I’M GUESSING NOT ONLY IS SHE NOT PERFECT THEN; BUT THAT BILLY BOY HERE HAS A FUCKING TYPE?!
He only continues to butter her up, even after she says that Mom will be mad. He tells Laurel that Mom’s just jealous of her. Then Laurel calls Mom from a payphone to tell her that Kevin and her want to come over for dinner some night and that she’ll have ‘A SURPRISE’ when she sees her. When they hang up, Laurel and Billy kiss a bit.
When the night of the dinner comes; Laurel shows up WITH THE EXACT SAME FUCKING HAIRCUT AS THE CHICK FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE!
And Mama’s stunned now! AS WELL SHE SHOULD BE; BECAUSE MY GOD! WHY DID TORI SPELLING THINK THAT HAIRCUT WORKED FOR HER?! MAYBE IF SHE CURLED IT OR SOMETHING; BUT THE WAY IT IS NOW… DOES NOTHING FOR HER AT ALL!
Cut to Laurel at a bar with some friends; who all say that they feel Kevin/Billy doesn’t want to come around them and that he’s dominating all her time!
Jackson comes by to talk with Laurel and turns out that Billy’s spying on them and needless to say, HE’S PISSED THE FUCK OFF AND EVEN ENDS UP BREAKING THE HANDLEBARS ON JACK’S BIKE!
Then the next day, Laurel and her mom are on a roof garden;
And they talk about some cabin they have that they go up to every year and that Mom has to go to for some reason or another. Then Mom brings up the fact that she found out that Kevin/Billy lied about some job he had in Aspen and Laurel gets all pissy about Mom still not liking him. Laurel ends up dropping a fucking bombshell about how she’s giving up the chance for a fellowship in China; and how she wants to volunteer with Kevin in Guatemala.
BECAUSE SHE’S DAWN FUCKING SCHAFER ALL OF A SUDDEN! ‘REMEMBER KIDS, IF A HOT GUY SHOWS INTEREST IN YOU AT ALL; JUST GIVE UP ALL YOUR DREAMS TO FOLLOW HIS ASS ANYWHERE HE WANTS TO GO!’ FUCKING HELL!
Mama ends up going to the marina to meet a guy; the famed Dr. Zola, to discover just how much of Kevin’s/Billy’s backstory is complete BULLSHIT!
Turns out… THERE HASN’T BEEN A DEATH OF A BOARD MEMBER IN YEARS; NOT TO MENTION ANY MEMBER BY THE LAST NAME OF SHANE!!
Cut to Billy on the phone again;
This time with the real Kevin’s credit card company; and before you ask… I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE HOW HE HAS ANYTHING WITH THE REAL KEVIN’S NAME/SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER! I KNOW THERE’S ONLINE SCAMS AND THINGS NOW; BUT THIS IS 1996! HOW THE FUCK IS HE EVEN DOING THIS?! AND WHY DOESN’T THE REAL KEVIN HAVE A FUCKING CLUE ABOUT IT?!
Anyhow; Billy finds out that the Real Kevin’s staying at the Motor Inn and goes to pay him a visit.
And get this shit; Real Kevin not only KNOWS who Billy is, but actually comes across like they’re friends or something! It’s fucking weird as HELL! So after Billy brings Kevin’s stuff to the room; KEVIN STRIPS DOWN NAKED IN FRONT OF HIM, ALL THE WHILE ASKING ABOUT BLONDIE FROM BEFORE, ERIN MEADOWS!
WHY IS HE STRIPPING DOWN IN FRONT OF BILLY, HOW CLOSE ARE THEY? WERE THEY FRIENDS? AND WHY IS KEVIN ACTING LIKE HE HAS NO FUCKING CLUE WHO ERIN IS WHEN HE WAS KISSING HER BEFORE? AND WHY THE FUCK DID THE FILMMAKERS, WRITERS, WHO-THE-FUCK-EVER PICK NOW AS THE TIME TO TELL US HER NAME?!
Then if that wasn’t BATSHIT enough; Kevin goes to take a shower and after Billy closes the door, HE FOLLOWS KEVIN INTO THE BATHROOM AND STANDS THERE; TALKING TO HIM AS HE SHOWERS! AND KEVIN’S OKAY WITH THIS! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, WHY IS THERE A VIBE THAT KEVIN AND BILLY MAY HAVE BEEN A THING? I’M GUESSING THAT WASN’T THE INTENT, BUT THAT’S HOW IT’S COMING ACROSS! AND IT’S HILARIOUS!
So, Kevin asks Billy to toss him some shampoo and this leads to BILLY BEATING HIM TO DEATH WITH THE TOP OF THE GODDAMN TOILET TANK!
THIS MOVIE’S AMAZINGLY BATSHIT AND I’M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!
We cut back to Laurel and her mom; celebrating her grandmother’s birthday and Mom’s putting frosting on the cake WITH HER BARE FUCKING HANDS!
Laurel comes in to show her TO USE A GODDAMN SPATULA, THANK FUCK! And they talk about Kevin/Billy, with Mom saying that his backstory doesn’t add up to what she found out about him, and Laurel’s sooo not having that shit BECAUSE SHE’S A FUCKING MORON! EVEN WHEN HER MOM GIVES HER EVIDENCE OF BILLY’S LIES; LAUREL’S ALL, ‘YOU PROMISED NOT TO BUTT IN, YOU PROMISED TO STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS!’
They end up taking the cake to grandma and it looks they actually put 81 candles on it? DA HOLY FUCK?! WHAT’S WRONG WITH AN 8 AND A 1 CANDLE?!
OH, EXCUSE ME! THEY ACTUALLY DID BOTH! FUCKING HELL!
As this is going on, we cut to Billy burying Kevin’s body in the woods and burning all his stuff;
He calls Laurel to tell her he ‘misses her and that he’s miserable without her.’ He also says that he has a SURPRISE for her when she gets home and I’m really laughing my ass off over here; because as he’s talking to Laurel, HE’S TOTALLY DUMPING KEVIN’S CAR IN THE FUCKING RIVER!
They hang up the phone, each saying they love the other and after she hangs up; Laurel whispers ‘I love you, Kevin Shane.’
Next we see that Billy’s SURPRISE is a cabin in the woods; and I think it’s the same area where Kevin’s body was buried, I could be wrong. It IS IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE OF NOWHERE; SO I’M GUESSING THAT IF THINGS GO SOUTH, NO ONE’S GONNA HEAR LAUREL SCREAM FOR HELP!
Laurel acts all happy about it at first, but then does a complete 180 and tells Billy that she doesn’t like the cabin; it’s too small, no phone, he’s being too pushy.
FINALLY, SHE SHOWS SOME GODDAMN SENSE! RUN THE FUCK AWAY, LAUREL! THE MAN’S A NUTCAKE!
But any of hope of that is FUCKING DASHED when Billy says that she has ‘ high standards’ and how ‘nothing is ever good enough for Laurel’. Well… SHE IS TORI SPELLING!
I KID, I KID!
AND LAUREL BUYS THIS! SHE’S A FUCKING MORON! And Billy goes on and on about how he ‘feels like he’s gonna explode if he holds in his feelings and how she’s TOTALLY FREE TO GO WHENEVER SHE WANTS!’
AND NOW SHE’S PERFECTLY TO STAY THERE, NO PHONE, NO WAY TO CALL FOR HELP, AND WITH A BOYFRIEND ACTING LIKE A GODDAMN KIDNAPPER? FUCKING HELL! YOU JACKASS!
This leads to the couple fucking on the floor of the cabin… whatever, I don’t give a fuck anymore. When’s Billy gonna kill her dumb ass already?
Cut to Mom trying to call Laurel; who’s number’s NOT IN SERVICE!
CALL THE COPS IF YOU THINK SOMETHING’S WRONG, YOU TWIT! I MEAN, JESUS!
Cut back to Billy making dinner at the cabin, and Laurel pulls up in the car. So… WAIT A MINUTE! IF SHE’S SOOO WORRIED ABOUT A GODDAMN PHONE AND SHE CAN DRIVE OFF THE PROPERTY; THEN WHY THE FUCK DOESN’T SHE GO INTO TOWN AND CALL HER MOTHER FROM THERE? OR THE COPS?
Billy’s all upset about dinner not being ready and Laurel asks if the guy came in to put in the phone. Billy tells her that the dude didn’t have the right wiring for the phone and he has to come back; so now Laurel’s upset. BECAUSE IT’S NOT LIKE SHE CAN’T JUST GET IN THE FUCKING CAR AND DRIVE INTO TOWN OR SCHOOL TO MAKE A FREAKIN’ PHONE CALL NOW! I GET THIS IS THE AGE BEFORE EVERYONE HAD A CELL PHONE AND THAT IT’S A BITCH TO HAVE TO DRIVE TO A PHONE; BUT THEY SAY SHE’S STILL GOING TO CLASSES; SO I HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE CAN’T MAKE A FUCKING PHONE CALL FROM THERE! THIS MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!
Whatever, so Billy’s paying so much attention to Laurel talking; he ends up accidently cutting himself and in a fit of rage; KNOCKING EVERYTHING TO THE FUCKING FLOOR! SO, I’M GUESSING THEY’RE ORDERING IN THEN?
Cut to the school, where Mom’s looking for Laurel and she decides to sit outside to wait to see if she comes.
Time passes and Laurel doesn’t come… DA FUCK? THEY JUST ESTABLISHED THAT SHE WAS STILL GOING TO CLASS? DID BILLY FLIP THE FUCK OUT AND MAKE HER STAY HOME? DID SHE STAY HOME TO COMFORT HIM AFTER HIS HISSY FIT?
Then Mom sees Billy/Kevin getting on his motorcycle and goes to talk to him about what the fucks going on with Laurel and dick claims he has no fucking clue; but that ‘LAUREL LISTENS TO ME NOW!’
LOOK AT THAT DEVILISH SMIRK! I NEARLY FELL OFF THE BED FROM LAUGHING SO DAMN HARD AT IT; IT’S ALMOST AS GOOD AS THIS:
So Mom calls him a liar and he says that they’re in love and nothing’s coming between them ever and then speeds off on his bike. CALL THE COPS, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
Cut to Laurel and Billy eating dinner; and she asks him if Mom could come up sometime. Billy comments that she hasn’t touched her food and the proceeds to LIE HIS FUCKING ASS OFF by saying that her mom called him to talk about struggles with that eating disorder. You guys remember; the same one that only seems to come up when it’s essential to the plot! Laurel starts to cry or get pissed off; it’s kind of hard to tell, both sound the same how Tori does it.
She bitches about mom daring to butt in their relationship and says that she’s only trying to ruin it; and WHY THE FUCK ISN’T SHE ASKING HOW MOM CALLED BILLY IF THEY DON’T HAVE A PHONE AND HAVE BEEN STAYING THERE? FUCKING HELL WOMAN, ASK SOME FUCKING QUESTIONS FOR ONCE!
Anyhow, Billy tells her not to bother calling her mom back; EVEN THOUGH THEY DON’T HAVE A FUCKING PHONE AT THE HOUSE! AND WHY DOESN’T LAUREL STOP TO SEE HER MOM WHEN SHE DRIVES TO SCHOOL; THIS MAKES NO SENSE?! He goes on to say that what goes on between them is no one’s business and ‘how no will run her life again, EVER!’ EVEN THOUGH HE’S DOING EXACTLY THAT ALREADY, SHE’S TOO MUCH OF A DUMBASS TO FUCKING NOTICE! This leads to them fucking in the front of the fireplace, spilling red wine all over. WHICH WILL STAIN THAT FLOOR!
GOES TO SHOW HOW LITTLE OF A FUCK I GIVE AT THIS POINT; IF THE FLOOR BEING STAINED IS WHAT I’M FOCUSING ON!
Cut to Mom FINALLY FUCKING DOING SOMETHING and questioning people about Billy/Kevin. Apparently, the Dean of Students can’t do anything about him, he’s not a student, he has no friends, overall he doesn’t know anything about him. Uhhh… YOU DO KNOW YOU CAN REMOVE HIM FROM CAMPUS RIGHT? YOU CAN CALL THE COPS AND GET A RESTRAINING ORDER, YOU CAN GET A CAMPUS OFFICER TO WATCH LAUREL, YOU CAN HIRE MORE SECURITY… THERE’S TONS OF SHIT YOU CAN FUCKING DO, JACKASS!
She also talks to Laurel’s old roommate and she tells her about the night Billy came into the dorm room all angry and how she knows nothing else about him.
Cut back to the cabin and Billy putting the hood of Laurel’s car down, sneaky like.
Then he gets on his motorcycle and rides away. Sometime later, we see Laurel not being able to start her car.
And she decides to hoof it to school.
She does end up hitching a ride with Jackson on his motorcycle, all the while complaining that it was like, two miles she walked before she got his help. HOLD ON A FUCKING MINUTE….SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE THIS GODDAMN TRACK STAR AND SHE’S BITCHING ABOUT WALKING TWO MILES TO SCHOOL? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT? AND FOR THAT MATTER, WHY DIDN’T SHE WALK DOWN THE ROAD TO MAKE A FUCKING PHONE CALL BEFORE? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!
Jackson ends up asking her out AGAIN! REALLY DUDE, THIS IS SOOO NOT THE FUCKING TIME FOR THAT SHIT! Laurel turns him down and goes on and on about Billy/Kevin and how it’s like ‘he owns her’. THEN CALL THE FUCKING COPS, BREAK UP WITH THE GUY, RUN HOME! FOR FUCK’S SAKE, DO SOMETHING ALREADY!
Billy sees the two together and is none too thrilled about it; and Laurel ends up calling the phone company to ask them just what the fuck is the deal with the phone.
And RUH-ROH! TURNS OUT BILLY NEVER PLACED AN ORDER FOR A PHONE TO BE PUT IN!
SERIOUSLY, THIS IS HOW SHE FIGURES OUT THAT SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH HIM? FUCKING HELL!
Then Billy FUCKING RUNS TO LAUREL, KNOCKING PEOPLE DOWN ALONG THE WAY;
But he doesn’t make in time, as she drives off on the back of Jackson’s motorcycle. Which leads Billy to make this face:
Cut to Mom in Billy’s/Kevin’s building with the landlord. She’s pretending to be his mom and the guy lets her in, so she can snoop through all of Kevin’s/Billy’s stuff.
Nothing seems to out of the ordinary, but as she leaves she finds this stuffed in a garbage can outside his door;
SO WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT BILLY WAS SO FUCKING CAREFUL WITH DUMPING THE BODY, PACKING HER SHIT, FLEEING TOWN, CHANGING HIS NAME, PLUS KILLING THE GUY WHO HAD THE NAME ORIGINALLY AND THE HE PULLS A DUMBASS FUCKING MOVE LIKE LEAVING THE DEAD GIRL’S FUCKING PICTURE IN THE GODDAMN TRASH CAN… RIGHT OUTSIDE HIS FUCKING DOOR? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
So mom goes to the cops and GUESS WHAT? THERE’S NO FUCKING RECORD OF KEVIN SHANE IN THE SYSTEM AT ALL!
Then Mom sees an Missing poster on the wall; OF THE SAME FUCKING GIRL WHO’S PHOTO SHE FOUND IN KEVIN’S TRASHCAN!
SERIOUSLY BITCH; I GOTTA FUCKING SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?!
THERE IT IS; COMPLETE WITH A LITTLE DANCE!
Anyway, Mom asks who the girl is and the lady cop says that it’s Erin; a chick who went missing TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO! SO… BILLY WAS USING KEVIN’S NAME THAT FUCKING LONG AND NOBODY NOTICED AT ALL?! FUCKING HELL!
Mom says that Erin looks like Laurel and since they really don’t at all; THIS WAS FUCKING POINTLESS! The cop tells Mom that they suspected her boyfriend BILLY JONES! Or some such shit; I’m fucking baffled to why the cop’s even giving info about the case to a goddamn civilian at this point!
Mom goes home, with the cop agreeing to fax everything she has on Billy AND Kevin Shane over. She ends up getting a pic of Lochlyn Munro’s headshot though and realizes that he looks nothing like the Kevin Laurel’s been banging; so she calls the cop and tells her to send a pic of Billy over now. And I’m so glad this cop is the type to take orders from just about ANY FUCKING BODY! WARMS MY HEART, I TELL YA!
Cut to Laurel at the cabin, she’s packing her shit to leave; FINALLY!
Although dumbass bitch DIDN’T BRING ANYONE WITH HER TO HELP HER, JUST IN CASE! MORON! Billy ends up coming in and she tells him that she’s leaving and that ‘he wants to keep her locked up’. NO SHIT! She also tells him that people have seen his stalker ass around campus AND IT TOOK THIS DUMB BITCH THIS FUCKING LONG TO LEAVE HIS ASS? He asks if she’s seeing another guy; which leads her to snap back that she never has the time to; he’s always up her ass. Or something like that, I may have paraphrased.
She tells him that what he’s doing isn’t love and as she goes to leave, he tries to grab her and say he loves her. She shoves him to the floor and fucking RUNS out the door to her car, as he chases her.
He bangs on the car window, saying that he could make a reversation for a ‘romantic dinner’ and she drives the fuck away.
She goes to the bar and hangs with Jackson;
And after he asks her to dance; she tells him that she needs to work things out with Kevin/Billy and then maybe DATE JACKSON?! WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM; SHE SHOWED NO INTEREST IN HIM AT ALL BEFORE! Whatever, they end up dancing anyway and I’m sorry guys; but I couldn’t get a good screenshot of it at all! The goddamn camera keeps jumping quickly between them and the band; there’s only glimpses of them dancing and even though I may dance worse than Chandler fucking Bing, Tori Spelling SOMEHOW makes me look like the best dancer ever!
Then Billy comes in to spy and he’s fucking pissed.
He follows Jackson into the bathroom; where HE BEATS THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM, LEAVING A WARNING NOT TO GO NEAR LAUREL ANYMORE!
SO NOW JACKSON’S GONNA CALL THE COPS RIGHT; I MEAN HE JUST GOT ASSAULTED IN A BATHROOM! BILLY CAN BE ARRESTED NOW?
FUCKING HELL!
Billy runs into Laurel at the bar and says that he ‘wants another chance’ and they leave to go talk outside.
He sprouts some more sickening BULLSHIT about how ‘he has no life without her’ and accidently bumps into a guy; LEADING TO ANOTHER FUCKING FIGHT WHERE BILLY BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF MORE GUYS! AND GET THIS SHIT, EVEN THOUGH THE ODDS ARE STACKED AGAINST BILLY BECAUSE THERE ARE THREE GUYS AGAINST HIM… ALL THREE FUCKING RUN AWAY ONCE THE FIRST GETS BEAT UP!
And Laurel takes off running.
Cut back the cops, who’ve FOUND ERIN’S BODY AFTER TWO YEARS! DA FUCK?!
AND SINCE THEY NEVER FUCKING EXPLAIN HOW THEY FOUND HER OR HOW THEY KNEW EVEN WHERE TO LOOK CONSIDERING IT’S BEEN TWO YEARS; I’M GOING TO ASSUME THAT SOME ASSHOLE FOUND HER AS HE WALKED HIS DOG OR SOMETHING!
Back at the cabin, Billy gets on his bike to go somewhere and this time.. SOMEONE’S SPYING ON HIM! Turns out its Laurel; waiting for him to leave so she can grab her stuff WITHOUT ANYONE ELSE COMING WITH HER! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU STUPID TWAT? DIDN’T JACKSON FEEL THE NEED TO CALL THE COPS AFTER HIS BEATING OR ANYTHING?!
Whatever, so she comes back out and Billy’s there SOMEHOW! I GUESS HE JUST DROVE UP THE BLOCK OR SOMETHING TILL SHE CAME AND THEN HE DOUBLED BACK! Yea, so he’s sitting on her car and they talk about trust and how he thinks he’ll ‘never get over her’. Good-fuck-a-dee Hell Laurel, FUCKING GET BACK IN THE CAR AND DRIVE AWAY!
Then he ends up going into the cabin to get wine; ‘SO THEY CAN TOAST THE GOOD TIMES AND PART AS FRIENDS’! REALLY? AND DUMBASS ACTUALLY FUCKING DRINKS IT; HE OBVIOUSLY SPIKED IT, YOU FUCKING TWAT!
Then the next thing we see is Laurel; PASSED THE FUCK OUT IN BED! BECAUSE, GUESS WHAT KIDS? HE FUCKING DRUGGED HER ASS!
Cut back to Mom, FINALLY RECEIVING THE FUCKING FAX OF BILLY’S FACE!
Then back to the Billy and his kidnapping of an unconscious woman; Laurel’s still passed out in the car and apparently, it broke down. He digs through his girlfriend’s purse and finds her Triple A card. Then we go back to Mom; trying to convince the cops to search for Laurel and THEY CAN’T DO ANYTHING? FUCKING REALLY? DUDE FAKED A NAME, WAS A SUSPECT IN AN UNSOLVED HOMICIDE, IS DATING HER DAUGHTER, WHO HASN’T BEEN HEARD FROM IN DAYS AND THEY CAN’T FUCKING DO ANYTHING AT ALL?! FUCKING COPS MUST HATE THIS MOVIE, IT MAKES THEM LOOK LIKE COMPLETE IDIOTS!
As Mom drives off, she ends up going the wrong way through the severe tire damage section and has to call Triple A herself.
Cut back to Billy getting the car fixed and the dude tells him that only a member can sign the work order; and Billy fakes Laurel being sick and signs for her. As that’s going on, Mom’s getting her car repaired too and tries to call the cop from before; leaving a message for the cop to page her when she gets in. Then a call comes in over the truck fixing her car about Laurel’s; and Mom hears that they’re going to her own cabin!
FUCKING REALLY? THAT’S HOW THE MOTHER FIGURES OUT WHERE THEY ARE; THE GODDAMN, MOTHERFUCKING TRIPLE A CARD THAT HER AND LAUREL SHARE?!
Whatever, we cut back to Laurel and Billy; and Laurel’s starting to come around and now she’s pissed off. Billy’s all; ‘I love you and now there’s no one here to bother us’, but she wants to leave. He starts to choke her, leaving her to claim that she lied about not loving him and that’s all her mother’s fault and they kiss. Then he tells her that they need to FUCK RIGHT THEN; BECAUSE APPARENTLY HE’LL BE ABLE TO TELL IF SHE REALLY LOVES HIM! SO NOW WE CAN ADD RAPE TO HIS HUGE LIST OF CRIMES!
She goes along with it and when he’s sleeping; she tries to sneak out.
He ends up catching her though, but she knocks him out and FUCKING RUNS! RUN BITCH, USE THOSE TRACKSTAR LEGS!
Mom’s hauling ass to get to the cabin and her car stalls on the way. Cut back to Laurel trying to drive her fucking car and Billy runs up all weepy; ‘Why do you wanna leave me?’
LET ME COUNT THE FUCKING REASONS!
Not liking the fact that Laurel’s leaving, motherfucker SMASHES THE CAR WINDOW WITH A FUCKING AXE! DRIVE THE FUCK AWAY! SERIOUSLY, JUST BACK THE CAR UP AND RUN HIS ASS OVER! BUT NO, DUMBASS HITS HIM, RUNS BACK INTO THE GODDAMN CABIN AND LOCKS THE DOORS!
YOU WERE IN A WORKING CAR; YOU COULD’VE DROVE AWAY! FUCKING MORON, I HOPE HE DOES KILL YOU NOW! FUCK IT, I’M ROOTING FOR BILLY! GO BILLY!
Cut back to Mom gunning the car to the cabin, then we see Laurel locking up everything as Billy tries to get in with the axe and I’m soo having Shining flashbacks right now! Laurel grabs a weapon as we cut back to Mom pulling up to the padlocked gate and WASTES PRECIOUS TIME DIGGING FOR THE KEYS! JUST GUN THE FUCKING CAR THROUGH IT! Back with Laurel; bitch is actually watching BILLY CHOP DOWN THE FUCKING DOOR, EVEN THOUGH WE SAW HER LOCK DOORS AND WINDOWS THAT HER SKINNY ASS COULD’VE SHIMMIED OUT OF! Mom comes through the gate and Laurel ends up escaping as Billy comes through the door and now the race is on.
Mom shows up at the cabin, calling for Laurel and ends up seeing her running through the woods. Billy shows up, knocks Mom out with one shot, sending her rolling down the fucking hill. Then we see him chase Laurel to a boat.
She stars rowing away and I’m adding ‘rowing a fucking boat’ to the list of shit Tori Spelling can’t do in movies. Not that I can row a goddamn boat either! Mom wakes up and then we see… BILLY POP OUT OF THE FUCKING WATER LIKE GODDAMN JASON VOORHEES?!
WHEN THE FUCK DID HE EVEN GET IN THE WATER IN THE FIRST PLACE? MAYBE SINCE TORI WAS ACTUALLY SPINNING THE BOAT IN A CIRCLE, DUDE HAD TIME TO CATCH UP?
So boat tips over;
And Mom’s at the dock now and her and Billy are both screaming Laurel’s name; Billy screaming that he loves her so much and we see that Laurel’s hiding under the dock.
She swims away, gets back on the dock to Mom and they embrace.
Then BILLY COMES UP BEHIND THEM AND THREATENS THEM WITH AN AXE! HOW THE FUCK DID HE EVEN GET OUT OF THE WATER WITHOUT THEM NOTICING?
Ok, so he warp-zoned over and now Mom tells Laurel everything about his real name and Erin and all that. Leading, Laurel to fake being mad at her mother by THROWING HER IN FRONT OF HER AND TELLING BILLY THAT SHE LOVES HIM AND THAT HE NEEDS TO KILL MOM FOR THEM TO BE TOGETHER?! IT’S FUCKING HILARIOUS!
Laurel ends up shoving her mom away and knocks Billy off the dock, back into the water. They run off the dock, watch the water FOR TWO FUCKING SECONDS, say it’s over and walk away to cheesy pop music.
Um… DID ANYONE CALL THE COPS TO DREDGE THE WATER FOR HIS BODY? DID LAUREL FORGET THAT SHE HID UNDER THE DOCK AND THAT MEANS THAT BILLY CAN TOO?! IS ANYONE ACTUALLY GONNA WAIT TO SEE IF HE COMES OUT? I MEAN, IT’S TOTALLY OBVIOUS HE’S HIDING UNDER THERE, YOU GUYS!
Cut to sometime later, and we see these two chicks talking about how one’s dating a guy named Preston she’s sooo in love with!
The dude comes up and…
IT’S FUCKING BILLY!
NOW DISGUISED AS JIM MORRISON!
AND THEY MUST’VE THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA HAVE A SEQUEL, BECAUSE THE MOVIE ENDS THERE! FUCKING HELL!
Where the fuck do I ever begin with this movie? I never saw this movie growing up, which is weird because it was on all the time AND I watched the other two Tori Spelling Lifetime movies that aired around this time: A Friend to Die For/Death of A Cheerleader and Co-Ed Call Girl. I actually own both of these movies and plan to snark them at some point; they’re cheesy awesomeness.
I have to admit; as bad as this movie was IT WAS AMAZING! I MEAN IT; I HOLD THIS UP THERE WITH THE ROOM AND SHOWGIRLS AS MOVIES THAT EVERYONE NEEDS TO SEE AT LEAST ONCE BEFORE THEY DIE! That being said; I’m sorry to say that unlike the other Tori movies, I don’t think I’m gonna end up owning this one. And you guys should see the amount of crap I do own! It’s just that this movie annoyed the shit out of me and I dare to say; it’s probably not one I’d watch again. Unlike the Poison Ivy movies or even Dancing at the Blue Iguana; I really don’t have a need to watch it again. And that’s weird, because I’m a big fan of Tori Spelling and I think Ivan Sergei’s a decent actor.
Yea, Tori overacted her ass off; but it’s a TV movie. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one that had Oscar winning performances in it. Ivan was pretty decent, though I have to wonder if he kept getting confused over what part he was supposed to play; the psycho we’re supposed to be scared of or the boyfriend you wanna root for.
Doing my research of the movie; I found out that James Franco’s actually trying to remake this movie in honor of its anniversary coming up! Rumor has it, they’re trying to get Tori to play the mom this time around. I might just have to check that out, if it ever happens!
That’s all for now kids, thanks for reading and I’ll see you soon! Join me next week for more Golden Girls eps and two weeks from now for another movie snark!