IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN!
HELLO PEEPS!
IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER MOVIE SNARK! AREN’T YOU GUYS LUCKY?!
I’m actually gonna be reviewing something NOT Christmas related today; it’s one of those ‘This guy is damn sexy; HE JUST CAN’T BE A KILLER! BUT EVEN IF HE IS, I LOVE HIM ANYWAY!’ type movies. You know the ones; Lifetime makes a fucking fortune in viewership every week. I actually have a bunch more of these on my snarker’s list, so be prepared!
But enough of that; let’s move on to the movie du jour!
Currie Graham (Raising the Bar, although I really don’t remember him at all on that show)
Patricia Charbonneau (Manhunter, and one of my fave eps of Law and Order: SVU ever: Streetwise)
Michael Ironside (HOLY SHIT, WHAT HASN’T THIS GUY BEEN IN? HIGHLANDER 2, NEXT KARATE KID, SCANNERS, TOP GUN; JUST TO NAME A FEW! I’M TOTALLY SURE THIS GUY WILL POP UP AGAIN IN SOME OF THE OTHER MOVIES I GOT PLANNED!)
Jennifer Grey (DIRTY MOTHERFUCKING DANCING, PEOPLE! WHAT ELSE IS THERE?)
AND….
COSTAS MANDYLOR!!
COSTAS FREAKIN MANDYLOR!!!
STAR OF THE SAW SERIES, DELTA OF VENUS, THAT ONE EP OF CHARMED AND SO MUCH MORE! I MEAN, COSTAS FUCKING MANDYLOR, PEOPLE!!
THIS IS NOT A FUCKING DRILL, YOU GUYS! THERE’S AN ACTUAL HOTTIE PLAYING THE HOT, MAYBE/SORTA/WHO THE FUCK CARES? KILLER!
The movie was directed by Bill Corcoran and it came out in 1996. THAT’S LITERALLY ALL THE INFO I FOUND ON THIS MOVIE! I MEAN, FUCKING HELL! DID THE MOVIE DO THAT BADLY IN THEATRES? WAS IT EVEN RELEASED THEATRICALLY IN THE FIRST PLACE? Personally, I think the movie probably was one shown on like the Action Channel during the day or something. You know, one of those old cable channels that played crappy movies by day and porn by night? Who knows? The only reason I even watched it was because it was on Amazon Prime and it had Jennifer Grey and Costas Mandylor in it!
Wait, why does this poster say Portraits of Innocence and not Portraits of a Killer? Oh, it’s the overseas poster, that’s probably it. And I freakin’ LOVE how Costas is the one on the fucking poster and Ironside is the one whose name is listed!
AND WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE SMILING ON THE BACK OF THE COVER? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A MURDER MYSTERY!
WAIT, NOW THE TRAILER IS ALSO CALLING IT PORTRAITS OF INNOCENCE! FUCKING HELL, HOW MANY NAMES DID THIS FUCKING THING HAVE? AND SPOILERS YOU GUYS, IF YOU WATCH THE TRAILER CLOSELY ENOUGH; YOU CAN GUESS THE ENDING OF THE MOVIE! BUT IT’S SUBTLE ENOUGH NOT TO NOTICE THE FIRST TIME! I miss the days when trailers were actually subtle about giving away the ending and didn’t just GIVE IT UP BEFORE THE FUCKING MOVIE COMES OUT!
*AHEM*
We open with the St. Louis motel, where hookers are strolling for johns.
Then the camera goes back and forth between the hookers trolling, a single girl shooting up in a hotel room and pics of other hookers falling to the floor as we hear/see the flash of a camera.
And all the hookers in the street/in the photos look really young. I mean, some of them look barely older than fifteen or so. And we keep going back and forth between the junkie preparing to shoot and the photots, when all of a sudden… SOMEONE IN A TRENCH COAT COMES IN AND ROUGHS HER UP AND THEN THROWS HER THROUGH A GODDAMN TABLE, KILLING HER!
HOLY HELL, WE’RE OFF TO A CRAZY START SO FAR!
The cops show up, with Michael Ironside’s Sgt. Hansen leading;
Then this chick shows up and the movie takes a really fucking long time to tell us who the fuck she is, but she’s the ADA, Carolyn Price.
And they discuss how this is the most recent hooker that was killed, but since she’s actually been dead for a few weeks; she can be considered the FIRST victim. So what we just watched was from two weeks ago? That’s… really odd. Anyway, Sgt. Hansen is bringing in the hooker’s, Sandy, pimp Sims.
Hansen thinks it’ll be a waste of time because… HE KNOWS WHO THE KILLER IS!
He tells Caroline that he wants the guy he thinks is the killer arrested that night and she disagrees because… IT’LL RUIN HER FUNDRAISER? WHA…..?
She says that dude will just end up walking due to lack of evidence and that tonight’s not the night to bring him in.
Then we cut to an art gallery where the photos from the opening titles are blown up to huge sizes and displayed around the room and ones of the girl who just died. Her picture is actually of her with a needle in her arm; (and I’m sorry you guys, but I couldn’t get a good screenshot of it right now. The camera zooms down too quick. Don’t worry though, there’s a good shot of it later on.) and Caroline’s pissed upon seeing it. She says that she thought the gallery refused to use it, but then her boss says that George, the photographer insisted on using it.
The two talk about Sandy’s death and how it’s TOTALLY looking like George Kendall did it and that’s what makes selling his book with all the hooker pics in it hard, because the girls keep dying and all. This is where we learn that Caroline is actually the Assistant Chief Prosecutor and she’s hoping to be Chief one day and since she’s running on a lower crime rate platform; IT’S NOT LOOKING TOO GOOD FOR HER RIGHT NOW!
Then we get this guy at a platform, who’s there to introduce Caroline.
There’s this big replacia of George’s book behind him and it’s called Portraits of Innocence; which is why I guess the movie was originally called that. And it turns out that George is the main benefactor of a shelter for teenage prostitutes that Caroline was instrumental in starting. She makes her way up to the podium;
And she talks about how important it is to keep the shelter going, because the teenagers won’t make it to 25 without it. And while that’s really sad; I can’t stop laughing at the way Caroline says the word ‘shelter’. I swear, she says SHELTA! Kinda the same way Arnold Schwarzenegger says CHOPPA!
So after talking a bit about the SHELTA! Sgt. Hansen comes in and REALLY? DIDN’T SHE TELL YOU NOT TO PULL THIS SHIT WITHOUT STRONGER EVIDENCE AND NOT TONIGHT ANYWAY!
The reason for this sudden appearance is that some witness is claiming to have seen George kill the girls and now Hanson want to bring him in. Cut to George
Watching this going on with one of the other girls in the book. The cops come up to arrest him and George asks his lawyer to go with him, but since he’s not a criminal attorney, he tells him that he’ll get one to meet George at the station.
George tells the girl he’s with to let him know where she goes when she leaves, and Hansen offers to drive her somewhere, but chick just blows him off.
George’s lawyer ends up in this law office and that’s where we met Jennifer Grey’s Elaine. He asks if Elaine can take the case and it turns out, she’s totally a fangirl of George’s. She even has one of his photos on the wall.
And she knows all about the murders and how it’s up to five hookers dead, and all of them had pics in George’s book. The lawyer dude tells her to book down to the jail as fast as she can.
She arrives to the jail to bail him out and Sgt. Hansen brings down to the lineup with George. The witness picks him out pretty quickly, so it’s not looking too good for him right now!
Afterwards, Hansen offers her some coffee and asks if this is her first murder case, offering someone to go with her in the room. And I’m sorry, but Jennifer Grey’s about 36 MOTHERFUCKING YEARS OLD HERE! WHY ARE THEY FUCKING TREATING HER LIKE A BABY?
She goes into the interview room to talk to George and she starts fangirling all over him, telling about the photo in her office. And guys;
I THINK I’D BE STUTTERING ALL OVER TOO IF I WERE HER RIGHT NOW!
And this goes on the ENTIRE FUCKING INTERVIEW! SHE ASKS QUESTIONS, HE SMOLDERS, SHE ABOUT CREAMS HER PANTIES, AND THAT’S IT.
He tells her that he’s innocent and she’s all; ‘It don’t make a difference, as long as he says he’s innocent she believes him.’ Then George asks her to help him prove it and…
HELP HIM, HE’S SO SEXY! HE CAN’T GO TO JAIL!
Sorry, I turned into Stacey McGill there for a second.
Now we see the cop and Caroline watching George through some monitors
And we hear that the witness apparently saw George at a restaurant FOUR WHOLE HOURS before she died. Uh…
YOU GUYS ARE AWARE THAT THERE HAS TO BETTER EVIDENCE AGAINST HIM, RIGHT? Oh, he also has no alibi for all the murders. But, get this shit; CAROLINE DOESN’T WANT TO PROSECUTE BECAUSE HER BOSS DOESN’T WANT TO LOSE! YOU HEARD THAT FUCKING RIGHT FOLKS, BITCH IS WILLING TO LET HOOKERS KEEP GETTING KILLED BECAUSE SHE’S AFRAID TO LOSE! I GET THAT THE EVIDENCE IS REALLY FUCKING FLIMSILY; BUT NOTHING’S BEING DONE AT ALL ABOUT THIS!
AND THE BEST PART OF ALL THIS? FUCKING GEORGE IS SOMEHOW AWARE OF THEM WATCHING AND IS NOW LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA, ALMOST AS IF HE’S WATCHING THEM BACK, JUST TO FUCK WITH THEM!
The cops start in on their questions with George,
and we get some exposition about how he was with one of the hookers because she was scared of Sims, the pimp and Elaine asks if anyone happened to FUCKING BRING IN THE PIMP FOR QUESTIONING TOO! Which no lie, was my question too. But Sims apparently has an alibi for the night in question. Then she says that since it seems like all the cops have is that each girl’s photo is in George’s book, anyone who read the fucking thing can be a suspect too! WAIT, WHEN DID THIS MOVIE TURN INTO BASIC FUCKING INSTINCT? IS GEORGE GONNA HAVE A LEGS OPEN SCENE DURING THE QUESTIONING NOW? Then the cops basically make Elaine look like a complete fucking moron by telling her that the book doesn’t come out until NEXT WEEK!
Caroline comes to watch the proceedings and the cops say that they KNOW it was totally George and that he did to raise the sales of his book. He totally owns their asses by asking why kill all five girls for that then? Then the cop proceeds to make this even sleazy by asking if George happened to bang any of the girls and considering they all looked really young, THAT’S SOME NASTY SHIT! The cop asks that if every single woman that George happens to photograph, wants to fuck him and he totally owns the cop AGAIN by telling him to have his wife be photographed to test the theory. This makes the cop so mad, HE TAKES A FUCKING SWING AT HIM, BUT GEORGE COUNTERS IT AND RESTRAINS HIM TO THE TABLE!
THEN HANSEN FLIPS OUT AND PULLS A FUCKING GUN ON GEORGE! NO JOKE, MOTHERFUCKER PUTS A GUN TO HIS HEAD AND TELLS HIM TO LET THE OFFICER GO! AND WHILE THIS IS GOING ON, CAROLINE LOOKS AS IF SHE JUST CREAMED HER PANTIES TOO!
I MEAN, LOOK AT HER FACE:
THE FIRST TIME I WATCHED THIS, I HONESTLY THOUGHT THERE WAS GONNA BE A REVEAL ABOUT HOW CAROLINE AND GEORGE USED TO FUCK AND IT WAS GONNA BE FOUND OUT BY ELAINE FINDING NAKED PICS OF CAROLINE AROUND OR SOMETHING! ALAS, WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS IS NOWHERE AS GOOD!
Now we’re back at the monitors with everyone but Elaine; and Hansen says that they can charge George with assault of an officer, just to buy some time for them to build a case against him. Caroline’s not feeling it though, she tells them to go ahead and charge him with murder, they don’t need the Chief’s approval to head to trial. Then she leaves and talks to Elaine and asks if she’s up for a murder trial. She ends up wishing Elaine luck.
Days later, Elaine’s talking to her bosses, who want her to switch with another lawyer; because this fucker’s high profile and they don’t think she can handle it. That proceeds to piss her off, but the boss holds his ground because Caroline’s known as a ‘barracuda’ in the courtroom. It doesn’t help matters that George’s book has now been out for a whole day and it’s already a freakin bestseller. Elaine leaves, telling the boss to figure out what he’s doing.
Later on, Elaine’s at her apartment looking over George’s photos when her boss comes by to tell her that George is now requesting ONLY HER to represent him, and no one else.
Elaine tells boss man that she’s thinking of joining the public defender’s office instead; that is until the boss tells her that if she takes the case, he’ll back her up for a partnership in the firm, no matter what the outcome of the trial is. Although he does tell her not to be afraid to ask for help with anything.
Elaine heads with Caroline over to the judge’s office to talk about the ‘evidence’.
They discuss who George knew, if any of the sex the hookers had may have been with George; although Elaine throws that out because there was evidence of condom use. Caroline argues that over FIVE THOUSAND COPIES OF THE FUCKING BOOK HAVE BEEN SOLD ALREADY AND THERE’S ALREADY A SECOND PRINTING GOING TO PRESS FOR OVER A HALF A FUCKING MILLION COPIES! AND GEORGIE BOY GETS TEN BUCKS FOR EACH COPY! HOLY HELL, I WOULD SAY THAT’S CRAZY FOR A PHOTO BOOK; BUT THEN ASSHOLES PAID FOR KIM K’S FUCKING SELFIE BOOK, SO WHO KNOWS?
Elaine tells Caroline that the only reason George is even selling so many books is because of all the publicity surrounding his arrest. However, Caroline says that before the book; George’s career was basically in the toilet and now he’s three million dollars richer. Then Elaine tries to argue that the first girl murdered wasn’t even in the fucking book to begin with, so that theory is pretty much thrown out the fucking window! Caroline says that Sandy was originally supposed to be in the book, but the publisher thought the pic was too extreme and it was removed just before printing. Also, George still has no alibi. Well, neither would a lot a people! The judge rules that since all the ‘evidence’ is flimsily at best, George is free to go unless Hanson finds something to hold him.
Cut to George getting out of jail and walking with Elaine;
and coming upon a press conference being held by Caroline.
Who’s totally spewing bullshit, by the way. She walks away and I laugh at the fucking news people totally looking at George directly in the face and yet, NOT BUM RUSHING HIM FOR AN INTERVIEW! I MEAN, CAROLINE SAID WHO WAS BEING CHARGED; THEY KNOW WHO HE FUCKING IS!
So Elaine and George walk away and Elaine gives him a couple of things; a watch and a notebook. The notebook’s to write down every single place he goes, every person he talks to, pretty much everything about his day. The watch is so he knows what time it is when this stuff happens. George proceeds to ask Elaine to dinner as a thank you, and says that it can be the first thing he writes down. Smooth motherfucker.
She says that there’s already an appointment in there, to see a shrink and she even made a reservation for him at a hotel to live until the end of the trial, that way he has an alibi if more murders happen. George doesn’t want to live at a hotel though and asks if she’s hoping for someone else to be murdered while he’s living in the hotel. Then he asks her to come with him somewhere.
They end up at his loft/studio and all the pictures of the dead girls are on the walls. He tells stories about each one of the girls; their ages, backstories, everything as Elaine walks around. Then we actually get a useable pic of Sandy’s;
And I gotta say this; whoever actually took this pics did a great job. Look over them again, they’re really chilling and convey exactly what they should be; the loneliness, sadness and despair of these girls. Also, how young they really are. I can also understand why they would think that Sandy’s photo was controversial; it looks as if it was shot right after she shot up, but that’s what makes it so haunting of a photo. Anyhoo… George tells Elaine that Sandy’s photo was pulled because of the drug use depicted, but he was against pulling it.
Then we cut to later that night, I guess? And Hansen is in his car, watching George talk to the hooker he left at the party and HE’S WEARING A TRENCH COAT YOU GUYS!
The hooker has a fat lip and tells George to leave or she’ll get another beat down from Sims. Sims pulls up with an apology and ends up BITCH SLAPPING GEORGE!
They brawl for a bit and Sims ends up beating George as Hansen FUCKING DOES NOTHING! HE ONLY INTERFERES WHEN THE HOOKER GETS SLAPPED AND STILL, HE DOESN’T ARREST SIMS AT ALL FOR THE BEAT DOWN; JUST SENDS EVERYONE HOME! Afterwards, he asks the hooker to talk sometime and hands her his card; telling her to call him when she can.
YEA, LET’S NOT GET THE BEATEN TEENAGE HOOKER TO A SAFE HOUSE OR ANYTHING! FUCKING HELL!
The next day, Elaine goes to talk to Caroline; asking why they set Sims free after questioning, especially since he’s a violent bastard. Apparently, they talked to Sims and he has an alibi so FUCK IT! Then Elaine goes to the morgue to look over the victim’s bodies and ends up fainting. When she comes around, she’s told that Sandy was not killed like the other victims, AND ELAINE STILL DOESN’T ASK AS MANY QUESTIONS AS SHE SHOULD! I THINK AFTER HEARING THAT ONE VICTIM DIDN’T DIE THE SAME WAY AS THE OTHERS; WOULD GIVE ME PLENTY OF QUESTIONS! She leaves and SOMEHOW DOESN’T FUCKING NOTICE SIMS CREEPILY WATCHING HER GET INTO HER CAR AND DRIVE AWAY, EVEN THOUGH HE’S RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO HER!
She gets outside her office and Sims ends up pushing her into an alley, telling her not to ‘stick her nose where it don’t belong or she’ll be dead’!
George pulls up SOMEHOW KNOWING WHAT WAS GOING ON; FUCK IT! I DON’T CARE, HE PROCEEDS TO BEAT THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF SIMS, PUTS ELAINE IN THE CAR AND DRIVE HER TO THE LOFT FOR DINNER!
AGAIN, SMOOTH MOTHERFUCKER!
They get back and he proceeds to romance the shit out of her, chick’s all giggly and what not. He tells her to just relax, he’ll make dinner and she’s free to look around, but the studio’s downstairs.
She goes down into the studio
Where there’s more photos and this GIANT FUCKING BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM WITH A FUCKING CAMERA AND A MIRROR POINTED RIGHT AT IT! AND A RADIO THAT SHE PUTS ON AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS TO PLAY SEXY MUSIC!
I’M GUESSING SOMEONE WANTS THE BOOTY!
This is intercut with George making dinner and lighting candles.
He proceeds to this balcony above the studio to watch Elaine looking through his stuff. She proceeds to check herself out in the mirror and then leaps on the bed, as George smiles.
Then he calls her to come up and she tells him that no one ever cooks for her and there’s no time for dating because of work. He comes with dinner and they sit down; with George leaning into her to say she smells good.
Then she proceeds to be a fucking cock block by bringing out the shrink’s report and talking about the case. FUCKING HELL, CAN WE JUST FOCUS ON THE FUCKING DINNER RIGHT NOW?
They talk about how Sandy was actually off the streets for a while and living at the shelter Caroline opened. She was even the shelter’s poster girl when she was clean, but since hooking was all she knew; she ended up going back. GEE, I WONDER IF THAT’LL BE IMPORTANT LATER! George tries to bring the night back on track by saying that he’s happy Elaine’s there and she cock blocks AGAIN by saying that it’s only as his lawyer. Then she proceeds to freak the fuck out about how going there was a mistake and she wants to leave now. Ever a gentleman, he goes to take her home and is totally okay with her wanting to leave. I REALLY HOPE HE’S NOT THE KILLER, YOU GUYS! They leave, without BLOWING ANY CANDLES OUT OR EVEN TURNING OFF THE STOVE OR ANYTHING! FUCKING HELL!
George drives her home and she apologizes for leaving when they park. She thanks him for dinner but before she can leave, he grabs her arm and TRIES TO KISS HER!
Elaine pulls away, saying it would be too hard to date while she’s his lawyer and he gives her a gun for protection and puts it in her purse.
Some blocks away, Sims is standing on the roof of a building, watching his hookers below. A girl gets dropped off and he tells her to come see him upstairs. She starts going up and since she takes too long, Sims runs down to see what’s going on and FINDS HER DEAD AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS!
SO THE KILLER’S FUCKING BATMAN NOW? HOW THE FUCK DID HE/SHE RUN UP THE STAIRS WITHOUT SIMS SEEING THEM GO INTO THE BUILDING, KILL THE GIRL AND THEN SPRINT AWAY FAST ENOUGH FOR NO ONE TO SEE THEM? AND THEN CAROLINE HAPPENS ON BY AND SEES GEORGE’S CAR PARKED NEARBY!
I GUESS IT’S SAFE TO SAY IT’S NOT THE PIMP AFTER ALL!
The next day, Elaine wakes up to a knock on the door and it’s Hansen, who tells her about the new murder and asks for her and George’s alibi. She tells him that she was with George the night before and he tells her ‘not to forget that someone’s killing all these girls.’ He also tells her that the pimp might be innocent and NO SHIT SPARKY! WE JUST FUCKING SAW THAT HE WASN'T! Elaine heads into the office, where the partners want to see her. They want to know how the case is going and tell her that Caroline wants to meet with her to discuss George’s alibi; because it would looks bad that she was with him that late. Elaine leaves, telling her assistant to find out George’s financial records.
Elaine ends up going to Caroline’s office to discuss the case and they talk a bit about how Elaine was totally blue balling George until late and that means he couldn’t have done the murder.
Caroline gets a blue envelope delivered that she’s all nervous about it; and she dismisses Elaine to go hide it in her locked filing cabinet.
STILL PROBABLY NOTHING!!
Then it’s nighttime again, and Elaine is at George’s loft and she’s PISSED!
Turns out George is fucking broke, well at least he was until the book came out. Elaine’s yelling and crying all over the place; asking George where he went after she left last night and tells him she saw the car. She even tells him that since the girl was killed after he dropped her off; most likely she’s sitting with a killer right now AND FUCKING RUN THEN! HOLY SHIT, I GET HE’S FINE AND ALL; BUT IF YOU THINK HE’S A FUCKING KILLER WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL THE FUCKING COPS?
George tells her that he want out to eat, because she basically blue balled his ass and made him drive her home without eating dinner. Then he says he knows that everything points to him as killer, but he’s totally not and she needs to know that. Then he walks behind her and holds her as she cries.
Then…. WAIT! WHAT…..
WHAT’S WITH THE SEXY MUSIC…..CANDLES…
WELL IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!
Also, this is really funny; I mean they look like a couple of horny fucking teenagers! The whole time, they keep their clothes on and it’s just a lot of rubbing/dry humping! At one point; it took me a second to figure out why George had his arm between them, I thought he was just unzipping his pants! But, if you watch the scene; he’s actually rubbing Elaine over her skirt.
You can’t really see it too well in a pic, but the movie’s on Amazon Prime. Feel free to give it a watch!
Cut to sometime later and Elaine’s sleeping on the bed; with covers over her.
SO WE DON’T EVEN GET THE ACTUAL FUCKING; JUST THE TEASE FOR IT? FUCKING HELL, I WATCHED FIVE GODDAMN, BORDERLINE SOFTCORE PORNS AND THIS MOVIE, THE ONE WITH COSTAS FUCKING MANDYLOR IN IT; DECIDES TO BE THE ONE THAT TEASES THE SEX!
FUCKING HELL!
We see that the candles are still fucking burning as George takes photos of her sleeping. This involves him becoming a creepy fucking bastard, because he unbuttons her blouse a bit and arranges her in a pose for him. Then he ends up taking her earrings off, waking her up because the fucker actually just pulled them off and I bet that hurt like a bitch!
She gets up after he leaves and she’s still fully dressed; so I have no idea if they even fucked the night before. Yea… I don’t care what the movie’s trying to make us think; we all know GEORGE TAPPED THAT! Anyway, Elaine has to find what little clothes she actually took off and prepare herself for the walk of shame; when she finds a jewelry box under the bed. WITH NOTHING BUT EARRINGS IN IT!!!
AGAIN, PROBABLY NOTHING!
Hansen and the cops come to the door with a search warrant;
And Hansen happens to go down to the studio, just in time to see Elaine fixing herself and leaving. AWKWARD! And bitch doesn’t even tell him about the earrings as she runs out; no SHE ACTUALLY TAKES THEM IN HER BAG! SOOO… I’M GUESSING GEORGE MUST’VE TAPPED THAT; BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY WAY TO EXPLAIN HER HIDING EVIDENCE IN AN INVESTIGATION! Whatever, Elaine runs out the door with George asking ‘What about us?’
The next day, she’s back in Caroline’s office and she shows her the earrings. But Caroline says that she tampered with evidence and actually obstructed justice; so it’s best to keep this to herself. WHA….? WHY? SHOULDN’T YOU JUST CALL THE COPS OR TELL THE JUDGE OR SOMETHING? AND WHY DID SHE GO TO CAROLINE AND NOT THE FUCKING COPS?! AND TO TOP THIS SHIT OFF; ELAINE ADMITS THAT SHE WASN’T WITH GEORGE THE NIGHT THE LAST HOOKER WAS KILLED! FUCKING HELL WOMAN, SHUT UP! WAS THE SEX REALLY THAT FUCKING BAD WITH GEORGE; BECAUSE YOU WERE ALL GUNG HO TO PROTECT HIM BEFORE THIS?! Then Caroline tells her that she’ll end up implicating George with all this new stuff and there’ll be a fucking mistrial, with Elaine being disbarred and all the evidence being deemed not admissible.
Caroline basically tells her that this stupid shit ain’t running her chances for the Chief’s job and Elaine leaves as Caroline gets ANOTHER blue envelope, this time opening it to reveal a photo of the last dead hooker! She ends up putting in the file cabinet, along with the other pics of the dead hookers.
I don’t think even the writers of this movie knew what the fuck they were doing at this point; because I’m confused as fuck right now!
Elaine goes home, with George coming by to see if she’s okay and she proceeds to FREAK THE FUCK OUT AND SCREAMS AS SHE LOCKS HIM OUT AND THREATENS THE COPS BEING CALLED!
She does call the cops, but George is gone by that point and she talks with Hansen about not wanting to press charges. Hanson tells her that Sims’ alibi checks out and that George is looking really good for all the murders; and if he really wants to get into her apartment sometime, HE WILL!
Back at the morgue, Elaine comes in to ask if any of the victims were wearing earrings at the time of death and if any of the girls had double piercings; and no they didn’t. But one had no pierced ears at all. THIS WAS A WASTE OF A SCENE! Then she heads out to look for the last hooker from the book, the one with the baby. She ends up at the motel the girl lives at and runs into two men, who PUT HER IN A FUCKING VAN AND DRIVE HER AWAY!
But before we have a chance to build tension; we pull to the SHELTA! With Hansen sitting outside.
Turns out the two guys that abducted Elaine were cops and HANSEN DIDN’T THINK OF ANY OTHER WAY TO GET HER TO THE SHELTA?! FUCKING HELL! Elaine tells all about the earrings and how she told Caroline about everything; and he tells her that the last hooker, Darla is actually there at the SHELTA! With her baby. They’re preparing to go back to her hometown and live; and Elaine asks her about the earrings George has. Darla says that Georgie boy liked to take them as keepsakes after banging all the girls and FUCKING EW!! THEY’RE FUCKING TEENAGERS; YOU SICK FUCK! WELL, I’M GUESSING THAT WAS ALL THE COLD SHOWER ELAINE NEEDED!
Then Hansen tells Elaine that not only did the cops KNOW about the earrings; but that George had HUNDREDS of them just lying around the fucking loft! And… SO DID CAROLINE BECAUSE IT WAS IN THE EVIDENCE MANIFEST!
Elaine wishes Darla good luck and leaves. Hansen gives Darla a bus ticket and tells her not to tell anyone where she is; because the situation isn’t over yet. Sooo…. Did Hansen just have her lie to Elaine for a bus ticket home? Because that’s the vibe I’m getting from it!
Then as Elaine’s leaving, the pimp shows up and tries to choke her out; but she knees him in the balls and the cop arrests him as Sims screams that he knows where Elaine lives. IT’S COMPLETELY POINTLESS!
Cut Caroline at the office, where OH NOES! THERE’S ANOTHER FUCKING BLUE ENVELOPE ON HER DESK!
She opens it and we see it’s… A PHOTO OF HER ACTUALLY BEING THE ONE WHO KILLED SANDY, THE FIRST HOOKER!
I totally didn’t see that one coming; especially since the body I saw at the beginning kill Sandy DID NOT MATCH CAROLINE’S AT ALL! FUCKING HELL!
Cut back to Elaine and we learn Sims is going away for a long ass time; FINALLY! She heads over to Caroline’s, who’s still staring at the pic like it’s gonna fucking bite her and then… ANOTHER FUCKING ENVELOPE SLIDES UNDER THE DOOR!
AND APPARENTLY THE FUCKER REALLY IS BATMAN; BECAUSE BY THE TIME SHE GETS TO THE DOOR, FUCKER’S GONE! She runs down the hallway to check and while she’s gone, someone takes out all the pics and displays them on the desk just in time for Elaine to come in and find them all.
Caroline comes back and thinks it’s Elaine doing this; asking if ‘he’ told Elaine who really killed Sandy and if they’re framing her for the other murders.
Elaine finally figures out what we did a few seconds ago; and pulls out the gun George gave her. But instead of fucking shooting the damn thing; the girls catfight and the gun gets dropped. Elaine runs as Caroline grabs the gun and there’s actually a suspenseful chase scene with Elaine dangling over balcony and being trapped in an elevator trying to get Hansen’s attention when he finally shows up. Caroline keeps trying to shoot Elaine and ends up hitting Hanson, as she stands on a balcony.
George finally shows up as Caroline prepares to shoot Elaine and pushes her off the goddamn balcony to her death.
I REALLY NEED TO START A TAG FOR MOVIES WITH PEOPLE FALLING OFF OF BALCONY’S, DON’T I ? THIS IS LIKE THE FIFTH ONE!
So Hansen ends up okay, Elaine’s going to be checked out in the hospital and the cops/lawyers look over Caroline’s office and finds the pics of the dead hookers.
They figure out that she’s probably the one who killed them all, but Hansen doesn’t believe it EVEN THE EVIDENCE IS POINTING TO HER AND NOT GEORGE! FUCKING HELL!
George meets up with Elaine, asking her to allow him to take her home and she asks why he didn’t help Sandy when Caroline was killing her, and just took pictures. He says that Sandy saw a better opportunity to blackmail Caroline; but it ended up better than either one dreamed. Elaine asks if he killed the other girls and framed Caroline; but he’s all: ‘It doesn’t matter, but if she really wants to know the truth; in a few years the girls would have been dead anyway and no one would have cared. Now everyone will see the girls in life like he did’. I’m so confused, did he kill the others? Did Caroline? Were they working together?
THE MOVIE NEVER EXPLAINS THIS!
Cut to sometime later, Caroline’s now a partner;
And George calls to congratulate her, as he develops photos of her sleeping because he’s a fucking creepy bastard now.
He asks where he can send her bonus for getting him off, probably in more ways than one; and she tells him the SHELTA! He asks if he can ‘buy her dinner and that he would never hurt her’ and she hangs up as George develops more photos of her.
THAT’S RIGHT ELAINE, YOU GO ELAINE! BECAUSE REMEMBER KIDS…
BECAUSE LET’S FACE IT; HE’S STILL A SEXY MAN!
I don’t know what to make of this movie. On the one hand, it’s not a bad movie, per se. They have good actors and there’s a lot of tension at times; but the ending sucked because we never find out who the killer is. I mean, they hint at it being George or Caroline but never really follow through with it.
I liked the cast, they all did a good job. Especially with Costas, because the man’s easy on the eyes AND he can play a creepy murderer well. The only problems I had with the movie besides the ending, was ONE; that everyone talked to Jennifer Grey’s character like she was a little kid; it’s almost like the character was written to be WAYYY younger than she was played. Don’t get me wrong, Jennifer did a great job; but it was odd seeing people talking down to her. Another one was that the movie gets downright BORING at times, whole scenes go nowhere and I could never remember people’s names. I did like the photos of the girls in the movie, I just got sick of seeing them in almost every scene. Why couldn’t we see more of George’s work at all?
Thank you all for reading and I’ll be back soon with some Golden Girls eps AND another ‘Damn, he’s so hot he can’t be a killer! But I still love him!’ type movies!
IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER MOVIE SNARK! AREN’T YOU GUYS LUCKY?!
I’m actually gonna be reviewing something NOT Christmas related today; it’s one of those ‘This guy is damn sexy; HE JUST CAN’T BE A KILLER! BUT EVEN IF HE IS, I LOVE HIM ANYWAY!’ type movies. You know the ones; Lifetime makes a fucking fortune in viewership every week. I actually have a bunch more of these on my snarker’s list, so be prepared!
But enough of that; let’s move on to the movie du jour!
Currie Graham (Raising the Bar, although I really don’t remember him at all on that show)
Patricia Charbonneau (Manhunter, and one of my fave eps of Law and Order: SVU ever: Streetwise)
Michael Ironside (HOLY SHIT, WHAT HASN’T THIS GUY BEEN IN? HIGHLANDER 2, NEXT KARATE KID, SCANNERS, TOP GUN; JUST TO NAME A FEW! I’M TOTALLY SURE THIS GUY WILL POP UP AGAIN IN SOME OF THE OTHER MOVIES I GOT PLANNED!)
Jennifer Grey (DIRTY MOTHERFUCKING DANCING, PEOPLE! WHAT ELSE IS THERE?)
AND….
COSTAS MANDYLOR!!
COSTAS FREAKIN MANDYLOR!!!
STAR OF THE SAW SERIES, DELTA OF VENUS, THAT ONE EP OF CHARMED AND SO MUCH MORE! I MEAN, COSTAS FUCKING MANDYLOR, PEOPLE!!
THIS IS NOT A FUCKING DRILL, YOU GUYS! THERE’S AN ACTUAL HOTTIE PLAYING THE HOT, MAYBE/SORTA/WHO THE FUCK CARES? KILLER!
The movie was directed by Bill Corcoran and it came out in 1996. THAT’S LITERALLY ALL THE INFO I FOUND ON THIS MOVIE! I MEAN, FUCKING HELL! DID THE MOVIE DO THAT BADLY IN THEATRES? WAS IT EVEN RELEASED THEATRICALLY IN THE FIRST PLACE? Personally, I think the movie probably was one shown on like the Action Channel during the day or something. You know, one of those old cable channels that played crappy movies by day and porn by night? Who knows? The only reason I even watched it was because it was on Amazon Prime and it had Jennifer Grey and Costas Mandylor in it!
Wait, why does this poster say Portraits of Innocence and not Portraits of a Killer? Oh, it’s the overseas poster, that’s probably it. And I freakin’ LOVE how Costas is the one on the fucking poster and Ironside is the one whose name is listed!
AND WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE SMILING ON THE BACK OF THE COVER? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A MURDER MYSTERY!
Click to viewWAIT, NOW THE TRAILER IS ALSO CALLING IT PORTRAITS OF INNOCENCE! FUCKING HELL, HOW MANY NAMES DID THIS FUCKING THING HAVE? AND SPOILERS YOU GUYS, IF YOU WATCH THE TRAILER CLOSELY ENOUGH; YOU CAN GUESS THE ENDING OF THE MOVIE! BUT IT’S SUBTLE ENOUGH NOT TO NOTICE THE FIRST TIME! I miss the days when trailers were actually subtle about giving away the ending and didn’t just GIVE IT UP BEFORE THE FUCKING MOVIE COMES OUT!
*AHEM*
We open with the St. Louis motel, where hookers are strolling for johns.
Then the camera goes back and forth between the hookers trolling, a single girl shooting up in a hotel room and pics of other hookers falling to the floor as we hear/see the flash of a camera.
And all the hookers in the street/in the photos look really young. I mean, some of them look barely older than fifteen or so. And we keep going back and forth between the junkie preparing to shoot and the photots, when all of a sudden… SOMEONE IN A TRENCH COAT COMES IN AND ROUGHS HER UP AND THEN THROWS HER THROUGH A GODDAMN TABLE, KILLING HER!
HOLY HELL, WE’RE OFF TO A CRAZY START SO FAR!
The cops show up, with Michael Ironside’s Sgt. Hansen leading;
Then this chick shows up and the movie takes a really fucking long time to tell us who the fuck she is, but she’s the ADA, Carolyn Price.
And they discuss how this is the most recent hooker that was killed, but since she’s actually been dead for a few weeks; she can be considered the FIRST victim. So what we just watched was from two weeks ago? That’s… really odd. Anyway, Sgt. Hansen is bringing in the hooker’s, Sandy, pimp Sims.
Hansen thinks it’ll be a waste of time because… HE KNOWS WHO THE KILLER IS!
He tells Caroline that he wants the guy he thinks is the killer arrested that night and she disagrees because… IT’LL RUIN HER FUNDRAISER? WHA…..?
She says that dude will just end up walking due to lack of evidence and that tonight’s not the night to bring him in.
Then we cut to an art gallery where the photos from the opening titles are blown up to huge sizes and displayed around the room and ones of the girl who just died. Her picture is actually of her with a needle in her arm; (and I’m sorry you guys, but I couldn’t get a good screenshot of it right now. The camera zooms down too quick. Don’t worry though, there’s a good shot of it later on.) and Caroline’s pissed upon seeing it. She says that she thought the gallery refused to use it, but then her boss says that George, the photographer insisted on using it.
The two talk about Sandy’s death and how it’s TOTALLY looking like George Kendall did it and that’s what makes selling his book with all the hooker pics in it hard, because the girls keep dying and all. This is where we learn that Caroline is actually the Assistant Chief Prosecutor and she’s hoping to be Chief one day and since she’s running on a lower crime rate platform; IT’S NOT LOOKING TOO GOOD FOR HER RIGHT NOW!
Then we get this guy at a platform, who’s there to introduce Caroline.
There’s this big replacia of George’s book behind him and it’s called Portraits of Innocence; which is why I guess the movie was originally called that. And it turns out that George is the main benefactor of a shelter for teenage prostitutes that Caroline was instrumental in starting. She makes her way up to the podium;
And she talks about how important it is to keep the shelter going, because the teenagers won’t make it to 25 without it. And while that’s really sad; I can’t stop laughing at the way Caroline says the word ‘shelter’. I swear, she says SHELTA! Kinda the same way Arnold Schwarzenegger says CHOPPA!
So after talking a bit about the SHELTA! Sgt. Hansen comes in and REALLY? DIDN’T SHE TELL YOU NOT TO PULL THIS SHIT WITHOUT STRONGER EVIDENCE AND NOT TONIGHT ANYWAY!
The reason for this sudden appearance is that some witness is claiming to have seen George kill the girls and now Hanson want to bring him in. Cut to George
Watching this going on with one of the other girls in the book. The cops come up to arrest him and George asks his lawyer to go with him, but since he’s not a criminal attorney, he tells him that he’ll get one to meet George at the station.
George tells the girl he’s with to let him know where she goes when she leaves, and Hansen offers to drive her somewhere, but chick just blows him off.
George’s lawyer ends up in this law office and that’s where we met Jennifer Grey’s Elaine. He asks if Elaine can take the case and it turns out, she’s totally a fangirl of George’s. She even has one of his photos on the wall.
And she knows all about the murders and how it’s up to five hookers dead, and all of them had pics in George’s book. The lawyer dude tells her to book down to the jail as fast as she can.
She arrives to the jail to bail him out and Sgt. Hansen brings down to the lineup with George. The witness picks him out pretty quickly, so it’s not looking too good for him right now!
Afterwards, Hansen offers her some coffee and asks if this is her first murder case, offering someone to go with her in the room. And I’m sorry, but Jennifer Grey’s about 36 MOTHERFUCKING YEARS OLD HERE! WHY ARE THEY FUCKING TREATING HER LIKE A BABY?
She goes into the interview room to talk to George and she starts fangirling all over him, telling about the photo in her office. And guys;
I THINK I’D BE STUTTERING ALL OVER TOO IF I WERE HER RIGHT NOW!
And this goes on the ENTIRE FUCKING INTERVIEW! SHE ASKS QUESTIONS, HE SMOLDERS, SHE ABOUT CREAMS HER PANTIES, AND THAT’S IT.
He tells her that he’s innocent and she’s all; ‘It don’t make a difference, as long as he says he’s innocent she believes him.’ Then George asks her to help him prove it and…
HELP HIM, HE’S SO SEXY! HE CAN’T GO TO JAIL!
Sorry, I turned into Stacey McGill there for a second.
Now we see the cop and Caroline watching George through some monitors
And we hear that the witness apparently saw George at a restaurant FOUR WHOLE HOURS before she died. Uh…
YOU GUYS ARE AWARE THAT THERE HAS TO BETTER EVIDENCE AGAINST HIM, RIGHT? Oh, he also has no alibi for all the murders. But, get this shit; CAROLINE DOESN’T WANT TO PROSECUTE BECAUSE HER BOSS DOESN’T WANT TO LOSE! YOU HEARD THAT FUCKING RIGHT FOLKS, BITCH IS WILLING TO LET HOOKERS KEEP GETTING KILLED BECAUSE SHE’S AFRAID TO LOSE! I GET THAT THE EVIDENCE IS REALLY FUCKING FLIMSILY; BUT NOTHING’S BEING DONE AT ALL ABOUT THIS!
AND THE BEST PART OF ALL THIS? FUCKING GEORGE IS SOMEHOW AWARE OF THEM WATCHING AND IS NOW LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA, ALMOST AS IF HE’S WATCHING THEM BACK, JUST TO FUCK WITH THEM!
The cops start in on their questions with George,
and we get some exposition about how he was with one of the hookers because she was scared of Sims, the pimp and Elaine asks if anyone happened to FUCKING BRING IN THE PIMP FOR QUESTIONING TOO! Which no lie, was my question too. But Sims apparently has an alibi for the night in question. Then she says that since it seems like all the cops have is that each girl’s photo is in George’s book, anyone who read the fucking thing can be a suspect too! WAIT, WHEN DID THIS MOVIE TURN INTO BASIC FUCKING INSTINCT? IS GEORGE GONNA HAVE A LEGS OPEN SCENE DURING THE QUESTIONING NOW? Then the cops basically make Elaine look like a complete fucking moron by telling her that the book doesn’t come out until NEXT WEEK!
Caroline comes to watch the proceedings and the cops say that they KNOW it was totally George and that he did to raise the sales of his book. He totally owns their asses by asking why kill all five girls for that then? Then the cop proceeds to make this even sleazy by asking if George happened to bang any of the girls and considering they all looked really young, THAT’S SOME NASTY SHIT! The cop asks that if every single woman that George happens to photograph, wants to fuck him and he totally owns the cop AGAIN by telling him to have his wife be photographed to test the theory. This makes the cop so mad, HE TAKES A FUCKING SWING AT HIM, BUT GEORGE COUNTERS IT AND RESTRAINS HIM TO THE TABLE!
THEN HANSEN FLIPS OUT AND PULLS A FUCKING GUN ON GEORGE! NO JOKE, MOTHERFUCKER PUTS A GUN TO HIS HEAD AND TELLS HIM TO LET THE OFFICER GO! AND WHILE THIS IS GOING ON, CAROLINE LOOKS AS IF SHE JUST CREAMED HER PANTIES TOO!
I MEAN, LOOK AT HER FACE:
THE FIRST TIME I WATCHED THIS, I HONESTLY THOUGHT THERE WAS GONNA BE A REVEAL ABOUT HOW CAROLINE AND GEORGE USED TO FUCK AND IT WAS GONNA BE FOUND OUT BY ELAINE FINDING NAKED PICS OF CAROLINE AROUND OR SOMETHING! ALAS, WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS IS NOWHERE AS GOOD!
Now we’re back at the monitors with everyone but Elaine; and Hansen says that they can charge George with assault of an officer, just to buy some time for them to build a case against him. Caroline’s not feeling it though, she tells them to go ahead and charge him with murder, they don’t need the Chief’s approval to head to trial. Then she leaves and talks to Elaine and asks if she’s up for a murder trial. She ends up wishing Elaine luck.
Days later, Elaine’s talking to her bosses, who want her to switch with another lawyer; because this fucker’s high profile and they don’t think she can handle it. That proceeds to piss her off, but the boss holds his ground because Caroline’s known as a ‘barracuda’ in the courtroom. It doesn’t help matters that George’s book has now been out for a whole day and it’s already a freakin bestseller. Elaine leaves, telling the boss to figure out what he’s doing.
Later on, Elaine’s at her apartment looking over George’s photos when her boss comes by to tell her that George is now requesting ONLY HER to represent him, and no one else.
Elaine tells boss man that she’s thinking of joining the public defender’s office instead; that is until the boss tells her that if she takes the case, he’ll back her up for a partnership in the firm, no matter what the outcome of the trial is. Although he does tell her not to be afraid to ask for help with anything.
Elaine heads with Caroline over to the judge’s office to talk about the ‘evidence’.
They discuss who George knew, if any of the sex the hookers had may have been with George; although Elaine throws that out because there was evidence of condom use. Caroline argues that over FIVE THOUSAND COPIES OF THE FUCKING BOOK HAVE BEEN SOLD ALREADY AND THERE’S ALREADY A SECOND PRINTING GOING TO PRESS FOR OVER A HALF A FUCKING MILLION COPIES! AND GEORGIE BOY GETS TEN BUCKS FOR EACH COPY! HOLY HELL, I WOULD SAY THAT’S CRAZY FOR A PHOTO BOOK; BUT THEN ASSHOLES PAID FOR KIM K’S FUCKING SELFIE BOOK, SO WHO KNOWS?
Elaine tells Caroline that the only reason George is even selling so many books is because of all the publicity surrounding his arrest. However, Caroline says that before the book; George’s career was basically in the toilet and now he’s three million dollars richer. Then Elaine tries to argue that the first girl murdered wasn’t even in the fucking book to begin with, so that theory is pretty much thrown out the fucking window! Caroline says that Sandy was originally supposed to be in the book, but the publisher thought the pic was too extreme and it was removed just before printing. Also, George still has no alibi. Well, neither would a lot a people! The judge rules that since all the ‘evidence’ is flimsily at best, George is free to go unless Hanson finds something to hold him.
Cut to George getting out of jail and walking with Elaine;
and coming upon a press conference being held by Caroline.
Who’s totally spewing bullshit, by the way. She walks away and I laugh at the fucking news people totally looking at George directly in the face and yet, NOT BUM RUSHING HIM FOR AN INTERVIEW! I MEAN, CAROLINE SAID WHO WAS BEING CHARGED; THEY KNOW WHO HE FUCKING IS!
So Elaine and George walk away and Elaine gives him a couple of things; a watch and a notebook. The notebook’s to write down every single place he goes, every person he talks to, pretty much everything about his day. The watch is so he knows what time it is when this stuff happens. George proceeds to ask Elaine to dinner as a thank you, and says that it can be the first thing he writes down. Smooth motherfucker.
She says that there’s already an appointment in there, to see a shrink and she even made a reservation for him at a hotel to live until the end of the trial, that way he has an alibi if more murders happen. George doesn’t want to live at a hotel though and asks if she’s hoping for someone else to be murdered while he’s living in the hotel. Then he asks her to come with him somewhere.
They end up at his loft/studio and all the pictures of the dead girls are on the walls. He tells stories about each one of the girls; their ages, backstories, everything as Elaine walks around. Then we actually get a useable pic of Sandy’s;
And I gotta say this; whoever actually took this pics did a great job. Look over them again, they’re really chilling and convey exactly what they should be; the loneliness, sadness and despair of these girls. Also, how young they really are. I can also understand why they would think that Sandy’s photo was controversial; it looks as if it was shot right after she shot up, but that’s what makes it so haunting of a photo. Anyhoo… George tells Elaine that Sandy’s photo was pulled because of the drug use depicted, but he was against pulling it.
Then we cut to later that night, I guess? And Hansen is in his car, watching George talk to the hooker he left at the party and HE’S WEARING A TRENCH COAT YOU GUYS!
The hooker has a fat lip and tells George to leave or she’ll get another beat down from Sims. Sims pulls up with an apology and ends up BITCH SLAPPING GEORGE!
They brawl for a bit and Sims ends up beating George as Hansen FUCKING DOES NOTHING! HE ONLY INTERFERES WHEN THE HOOKER GETS SLAPPED AND STILL, HE DOESN’T ARREST SIMS AT ALL FOR THE BEAT DOWN; JUST SENDS EVERYONE HOME! Afterwards, he asks the hooker to talk sometime and hands her his card; telling her to call him when she can.
YEA, LET’S NOT GET THE BEATEN TEENAGE HOOKER TO A SAFE HOUSE OR ANYTHING! FUCKING HELL!
The next day, Elaine goes to talk to Caroline; asking why they set Sims free after questioning, especially since he’s a violent bastard. Apparently, they talked to Sims and he has an alibi so FUCK IT! Then Elaine goes to the morgue to look over the victim’s bodies and ends up fainting. When she comes around, she’s told that Sandy was not killed like the other victims, AND ELAINE STILL DOESN’T ASK AS MANY QUESTIONS AS SHE SHOULD! I THINK AFTER HEARING THAT ONE VICTIM DIDN’T DIE THE SAME WAY AS THE OTHERS; WOULD GIVE ME PLENTY OF QUESTIONS! She leaves and SOMEHOW DOESN’T FUCKING NOTICE SIMS CREEPILY WATCHING HER GET INTO HER CAR AND DRIVE AWAY, EVEN THOUGH HE’S RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO HER!
She gets outside her office and Sims ends up pushing her into an alley, telling her not to ‘stick her nose where it don’t belong or she’ll be dead’!
George pulls up SOMEHOW KNOWING WHAT WAS GOING ON; FUCK IT! I DON’T CARE, HE PROCEEDS TO BEAT THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF SIMS, PUTS ELAINE IN THE CAR AND DRIVE HER TO THE LOFT FOR DINNER!
AGAIN, SMOOTH MOTHERFUCKER!
They get back and he proceeds to romance the shit out of her, chick’s all giggly and what not. He tells her to just relax, he’ll make dinner and she’s free to look around, but the studio’s downstairs.
She goes down into the studio
Where there’s more photos and this GIANT FUCKING BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM WITH A FUCKING CAMERA AND A MIRROR POINTED RIGHT AT IT! AND A RADIO THAT SHE PUTS ON AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS TO PLAY SEXY MUSIC!
I’M GUESSING SOMEONE WANTS THE BOOTY!
This is intercut with George making dinner and lighting candles.
He proceeds to this balcony above the studio to watch Elaine looking through his stuff. She proceeds to check herself out in the mirror and then leaps on the bed, as George smiles.
Then he calls her to come up and she tells him that no one ever cooks for her and there’s no time for dating because of work. He comes with dinner and they sit down; with George leaning into her to say she smells good.
Then she proceeds to be a fucking cock block by bringing out the shrink’s report and talking about the case. FUCKING HELL, CAN WE JUST FOCUS ON THE FUCKING DINNER RIGHT NOW?
They talk about how Sandy was actually off the streets for a while and living at the shelter Caroline opened. She was even the shelter’s poster girl when she was clean, but since hooking was all she knew; she ended up going back. GEE, I WONDER IF THAT’LL BE IMPORTANT LATER! George tries to bring the night back on track by saying that he’s happy Elaine’s there and she cock blocks AGAIN by saying that it’s only as his lawyer. Then she proceeds to freak the fuck out about how going there was a mistake and she wants to leave now. Ever a gentleman, he goes to take her home and is totally okay with her wanting to leave. I REALLY HOPE HE’S NOT THE KILLER, YOU GUYS! They leave, without BLOWING ANY CANDLES OUT OR EVEN TURNING OFF THE STOVE OR ANYTHING! FUCKING HELL!
George drives her home and she apologizes for leaving when they park. She thanks him for dinner but before she can leave, he grabs her arm and TRIES TO KISS HER!
Elaine pulls away, saying it would be too hard to date while she’s his lawyer and he gives her a gun for protection and puts it in her purse.
Some blocks away, Sims is standing on the roof of a building, watching his hookers below. A girl gets dropped off and he tells her to come see him upstairs. She starts going up and since she takes too long, Sims runs down to see what’s going on and FINDS HER DEAD AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS!
SO THE KILLER’S FUCKING BATMAN NOW? HOW THE FUCK DID HE/SHE RUN UP THE STAIRS WITHOUT SIMS SEEING THEM GO INTO THE BUILDING, KILL THE GIRL AND THEN SPRINT AWAY FAST ENOUGH FOR NO ONE TO SEE THEM? AND THEN CAROLINE HAPPENS ON BY AND SEES GEORGE’S CAR PARKED NEARBY!
I GUESS IT’S SAFE TO SAY IT’S NOT THE PIMP AFTER ALL!
The next day, Elaine wakes up to a knock on the door and it’s Hansen, who tells her about the new murder and asks for her and George’s alibi. She tells him that she was with George the night before and he tells her ‘not to forget that someone’s killing all these girls.’ He also tells her that the pimp might be innocent and NO SHIT SPARKY! WE JUST FUCKING SAW THAT HE WASN'T! Elaine heads into the office, where the partners want to see her. They want to know how the case is going and tell her that Caroline wants to meet with her to discuss George’s alibi; because it would looks bad that she was with him that late. Elaine leaves, telling her assistant to find out George’s financial records.
Elaine ends up going to Caroline’s office to discuss the case and they talk a bit about how Elaine was totally blue balling George until late and that means he couldn’t have done the murder.
Caroline gets a blue envelope delivered that she’s all nervous about it; and she dismisses Elaine to go hide it in her locked filing cabinet.
STILL PROBABLY NOTHING!!
Then it’s nighttime again, and Elaine is at George’s loft and she’s PISSED!
Turns out George is fucking broke, well at least he was until the book came out. Elaine’s yelling and crying all over the place; asking George where he went after she left last night and tells him she saw the car. She even tells him that since the girl was killed after he dropped her off; most likely she’s sitting with a killer right now AND FUCKING RUN THEN! HOLY SHIT, I GET HE’S FINE AND ALL; BUT IF YOU THINK HE’S A FUCKING KILLER WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL THE FUCKING COPS?
George tells her that he want out to eat, because she basically blue balled his ass and made him drive her home without eating dinner. Then he says he knows that everything points to him as killer, but he’s totally not and she needs to know that. Then he walks behind her and holds her as she cries.
Then…. WAIT! WHAT…..
WHAT’S WITH THE SEXY MUSIC…..CANDLES…
WELL IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!
Also, this is really funny; I mean they look like a couple of horny fucking teenagers! The whole time, they keep their clothes on and it’s just a lot of rubbing/dry humping! At one point; it took me a second to figure out why George had his arm between them, I thought he was just unzipping his pants! But, if you watch the scene; he’s actually rubbing Elaine over her skirt.
You can’t really see it too well in a pic, but the movie’s on Amazon Prime. Feel free to give it a watch!
Cut to sometime later and Elaine’s sleeping on the bed; with covers over her.
SO WE DON’T EVEN GET THE ACTUAL FUCKING; JUST THE TEASE FOR IT? FUCKING HELL, I WATCHED FIVE GODDAMN, BORDERLINE SOFTCORE PORNS AND THIS MOVIE, THE ONE WITH COSTAS FUCKING MANDYLOR IN IT; DECIDES TO BE THE ONE THAT TEASES THE SEX!
FUCKING HELL!
We see that the candles are still fucking burning as George takes photos of her sleeping. This involves him becoming a creepy fucking bastard, because he unbuttons her blouse a bit and arranges her in a pose for him. Then he ends up taking her earrings off, waking her up because the fucker actually just pulled them off and I bet that hurt like a bitch!
She gets up after he leaves and she’s still fully dressed; so I have no idea if they even fucked the night before. Yea… I don’t care what the movie’s trying to make us think; we all know GEORGE TAPPED THAT! Anyway, Elaine has to find what little clothes she actually took off and prepare herself for the walk of shame; when she finds a jewelry box under the bed. WITH NOTHING BUT EARRINGS IN IT!!!
AGAIN, PROBABLY NOTHING!
Hansen and the cops come to the door with a search warrant;
And Hansen happens to go down to the studio, just in time to see Elaine fixing herself and leaving. AWKWARD! And bitch doesn’t even tell him about the earrings as she runs out; no SHE ACTUALLY TAKES THEM IN HER BAG! SOOO… I’M GUESSING GEORGE MUST’VE TAPPED THAT; BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY WAY TO EXPLAIN HER HIDING EVIDENCE IN AN INVESTIGATION! Whatever, Elaine runs out the door with George asking ‘What about us?’
The next day, she’s back in Caroline’s office and she shows her the earrings. But Caroline says that she tampered with evidence and actually obstructed justice; so it’s best to keep this to herself. WHA….? WHY? SHOULDN’T YOU JUST CALL THE COPS OR TELL THE JUDGE OR SOMETHING? AND WHY DID SHE GO TO CAROLINE AND NOT THE FUCKING COPS?! AND TO TOP THIS SHIT OFF; ELAINE ADMITS THAT SHE WASN’T WITH GEORGE THE NIGHT THE LAST HOOKER WAS KILLED! FUCKING HELL WOMAN, SHUT UP! WAS THE SEX REALLY THAT FUCKING BAD WITH GEORGE; BECAUSE YOU WERE ALL GUNG HO TO PROTECT HIM BEFORE THIS?! Then Caroline tells her that she’ll end up implicating George with all this new stuff and there’ll be a fucking mistrial, with Elaine being disbarred and all the evidence being deemed not admissible.
Caroline basically tells her that this stupid shit ain’t running her chances for the Chief’s job and Elaine leaves as Caroline gets ANOTHER blue envelope, this time opening it to reveal a photo of the last dead hooker! She ends up putting in the file cabinet, along with the other pics of the dead hookers.
I don’t think even the writers of this movie knew what the fuck they were doing at this point; because I’m confused as fuck right now!
Elaine goes home, with George coming by to see if she’s okay and she proceeds to FREAK THE FUCK OUT AND SCREAMS AS SHE LOCKS HIM OUT AND THREATENS THE COPS BEING CALLED!
She does call the cops, but George is gone by that point and she talks with Hansen about not wanting to press charges. Hanson tells her that Sims’ alibi checks out and that George is looking really good for all the murders; and if he really wants to get into her apartment sometime, HE WILL!
Back at the morgue, Elaine comes in to ask if any of the victims were wearing earrings at the time of death and if any of the girls had double piercings; and no they didn’t. But one had no pierced ears at all. THIS WAS A WASTE OF A SCENE! Then she heads out to look for the last hooker from the book, the one with the baby. She ends up at the motel the girl lives at and runs into two men, who PUT HER IN A FUCKING VAN AND DRIVE HER AWAY!
But before we have a chance to build tension; we pull to the SHELTA! With Hansen sitting outside.
Turns out the two guys that abducted Elaine were cops and HANSEN DIDN’T THINK OF ANY OTHER WAY TO GET HER TO THE SHELTA?! FUCKING HELL! Elaine tells all about the earrings and how she told Caroline about everything; and he tells her that the last hooker, Darla is actually there at the SHELTA! With her baby. They’re preparing to go back to her hometown and live; and Elaine asks her about the earrings George has. Darla says that Georgie boy liked to take them as keepsakes after banging all the girls and FUCKING EW!! THEY’RE FUCKING TEENAGERS; YOU SICK FUCK! WELL, I’M GUESSING THAT WAS ALL THE COLD SHOWER ELAINE NEEDED!
Then Hansen tells Elaine that not only did the cops KNOW about the earrings; but that George had HUNDREDS of them just lying around the fucking loft! And… SO DID CAROLINE BECAUSE IT WAS IN THE EVIDENCE MANIFEST!
Elaine wishes Darla good luck and leaves. Hansen gives Darla a bus ticket and tells her not to tell anyone where she is; because the situation isn’t over yet. Sooo…. Did Hansen just have her lie to Elaine for a bus ticket home? Because that’s the vibe I’m getting from it!
Then as Elaine’s leaving, the pimp shows up and tries to choke her out; but she knees him in the balls and the cop arrests him as Sims screams that he knows where Elaine lives. IT’S COMPLETELY POINTLESS!
Cut Caroline at the office, where OH NOES! THERE’S ANOTHER FUCKING BLUE ENVELOPE ON HER DESK!
She opens it and we see it’s… A PHOTO OF HER ACTUALLY BEING THE ONE WHO KILLED SANDY, THE FIRST HOOKER!
I totally didn’t see that one coming; especially since the body I saw at the beginning kill Sandy DID NOT MATCH CAROLINE’S AT ALL! FUCKING HELL!
Cut back to Elaine and we learn Sims is going away for a long ass time; FINALLY! She heads over to Caroline’s, who’s still staring at the pic like it’s gonna fucking bite her and then… ANOTHER FUCKING ENVELOPE SLIDES UNDER THE DOOR!
AND APPARENTLY THE FUCKER REALLY IS BATMAN; BECAUSE BY THE TIME SHE GETS TO THE DOOR, FUCKER’S GONE! She runs down the hallway to check and while she’s gone, someone takes out all the pics and displays them on the desk just in time for Elaine to come in and find them all.
Caroline comes back and thinks it’s Elaine doing this; asking if ‘he’ told Elaine who really killed Sandy and if they’re framing her for the other murders.
Elaine finally figures out what we did a few seconds ago; and pulls out the gun George gave her. But instead of fucking shooting the damn thing; the girls catfight and the gun gets dropped. Elaine runs as Caroline grabs the gun and there’s actually a suspenseful chase scene with Elaine dangling over balcony and being trapped in an elevator trying to get Hansen’s attention when he finally shows up. Caroline keeps trying to shoot Elaine and ends up hitting Hanson, as she stands on a balcony.
George finally shows up as Caroline prepares to shoot Elaine and pushes her off the goddamn balcony to her death.
I REALLY NEED TO START A TAG FOR MOVIES WITH PEOPLE FALLING OFF OF BALCONY’S, DON’T I ? THIS IS LIKE THE FIFTH ONE!
So Hansen ends up okay, Elaine’s going to be checked out in the hospital and the cops/lawyers look over Caroline’s office and finds the pics of the dead hookers.
They figure out that she’s probably the one who killed them all, but Hansen doesn’t believe it EVEN THE EVIDENCE IS POINTING TO HER AND NOT GEORGE! FUCKING HELL!
George meets up with Elaine, asking her to allow him to take her home and she asks why he didn’t help Sandy when Caroline was killing her, and just took pictures. He says that Sandy saw a better opportunity to blackmail Caroline; but it ended up better than either one dreamed. Elaine asks if he killed the other girls and framed Caroline; but he’s all: ‘It doesn’t matter, but if she really wants to know the truth; in a few years the girls would have been dead anyway and no one would have cared. Now everyone will see the girls in life like he did’. I’m so confused, did he kill the others? Did Caroline? Were they working together?
THE MOVIE NEVER EXPLAINS THIS!
Cut to sometime later, Caroline’s now a partner;
And George calls to congratulate her, as he develops photos of her sleeping because he’s a fucking creepy bastard now.
He asks where he can send her bonus for getting him off, probably in more ways than one; and she tells him the SHELTA! He asks if he can ‘buy her dinner and that he would never hurt her’ and she hangs up as George develops more photos of her.
THAT’S RIGHT ELAINE, YOU GO ELAINE! BECAUSE REMEMBER KIDS…
BECAUSE LET’S FACE IT; HE’S STILL A SEXY MAN!
I don’t know what to make of this movie. On the one hand, it’s not a bad movie, per se. They have good actors and there’s a lot of tension at times; but the ending sucked because we never find out who the killer is. I mean, they hint at it being George or Caroline but never really follow through with it.
I liked the cast, they all did a good job. Especially with Costas, because the man’s easy on the eyes AND he can play a creepy murderer well. The only problems I had with the movie besides the ending, was ONE; that everyone talked to Jennifer Grey’s character like she was a little kid; it’s almost like the character was written to be WAYYY younger than she was played. Don’t get me wrong, Jennifer did a great job; but it was odd seeing people talking down to her. Another one was that the movie gets downright BORING at times, whole scenes go nowhere and I could never remember people’s names. I did like the photos of the girls in the movie, I just got sick of seeing them in almost every scene. Why couldn’t we see more of George’s work at all?
Thank you all for reading and I’ll be back soon with some Golden Girls eps AND another ‘Damn, he’s so hot he can’t be a killer! But I still love him!’ type movies!