[FIC] Losing My Religion [CH.4]
Title: Losing My Religion
Pairing: Taeyang/Dara, with other variations
Rating: R
Summary: What do you do when the person you love doesn't love you back? Which do you trust when following your heart mean losing your head? Do you let yourself be used if it means being with the one you want, however briefly?
CHAPTER 4: Vignettes
It’s You and Me and All of The People
Mid- May
Young Bae
Don’t Speak, I Know Just What You’re Saying
In all honesty, Young Bae didn’t know where this was leading. Him and Dara have been in this weird flux state for about a month now -they most definitely weren’t going out but at the same time they weren’t just friends either. To be honest, they were just awkward. Ever since they’ve gotten pass his little (o.k. huge) blow up he’s been trying to pull away a little from Dara -in part to not make her uncomfortable and in part to spare himself the heartbreak -but whenever he pulls away she pulls him closer and when he would pull closer, she moves away. And so he was left confused -what did she want? Ji Yong said it was just a game girls played but he was a simple man and wasn’t much into games. Then Ji said he was hopeless and Young Bae kind of agreed. Take three nights ago for instance.
He was on top of the roof after a long long day in the studio with Teddy hyung when Dara had walked up behind him.
~~FLASHBACK~~
“There you are” says a quiet voice behind him. Young Bae looks back and sees Dara approaching him from the roof’s door. He’s observing the skyline and the Seoul city streets from on top of the YG building. He had spent more hours then he wanted to contemplate with Teddy hyung putting the final touches on his album and not to mention the headache inducing meeting with the YGE exec board -some people were still not over the fact he changed the album, the amount of sexual references in the album and pretty much anything and everything to do with it. Part of him is seriously contemplating saying f-ck it all and not putting anything out but then he remembers his fans who have waited an epically long time for this album and all the people who had put effort into it. At this point it was bigger than him.
“Hey,” he says quietly back. Dara is wearing a baggy tee-shirt and some jeans, her hair was once again messy but her bright smile more than made up for it. She comes and takes a seat next to him. She grabs the hand closes to her, his right, and starts playing with his fingers. He gives a little laugh as he stares at their fingers, she looks up at him and laughs too and she’s gorgeous and like always he’s left breathless.
“When I see you looking only at me,” he whispers and then stops, the lyrics of Take It Slow caught in his mind.
“What?” Dara gives him a confused look.
“Nothing...just thinking.” And they sit there for a moment in peaceful silence, Dara done playing with his fingers and now just holding his hand. The stars twinkle above them and the honks and horns of the cars below play a lulling rhythm in the background; truthfully Young Bae could stay like this forever.
“Umm…not that I’m not happy you’re here Dara but why are you here?” he asks after a few minutes.
“I was told this was where you were and since we haven’t seen each other in a bit,” and here she glares at him and he winces a little cause truthfully he has been avoiding her the last few days but it hurts to have the one thing that you’ve ever wanted in front of you and yet have it so far out of your reach. “And so I came to visit you in the studio and Teddy oppa told me you were here,” she finishes with a smile.
He smiles back and thanks her and they start talking and once they start it’s like they can’t stop. They talk about his album (and he even sings her a few lines of Superstar which had her blushing), her and the rest of 2NE1 working with Will.I.Am, her fears about the future, his fears, etc. And as they talk, they hold hands and everything just feels so right and he decides that this may be his chance and he looks at her and leans forward and she looks at him and bites her lips and they kiss. Her lips are warm and soft underneath his, and it is everything he’s imagined it would be and more -he sees stars and fireworks and the whole shebang. Her lips move and he takes it deeper, runs his free hand down her arm. And then he felt a shove on his chest as Dara pushed away from him.
They sit apart from each other for a moment, neither talking. Now he’s embarrassed and it’s awkward.
“I’m sorry,” he says. She’d looked shell shock for the second he had looked at her - he can’t bare too look at her too long at the moment and his chest feels constricted and it’s a little hard to breathe. Once again she leaves me breathless, Young Bae thinks sadly.
“Bae, look I don’t -”
“No really, I understand and I’m sorry about misunderstanding.” And before she can start talking again he quickly gets up and walks out the door. He hears her calling his name behind him but it’s barely a whisper against the roaring in his ears.
He doesn’t cry, no, because that’s pathetic. But he is embarrassed and he wonders what exactly was this about, and why was he putting himself through this. And so he spends the next two hours in the gym trying to forget this night and forget her.
It doesn’t work.
----
Dara
I Messed Up, Better I should Know
I’m so stupid, I’m so stupid, I’m so stupid
Dara lays on her bed and honestly she doesn’t know what to do. Last night, Bae kissed her and she pulled away and she doesn’t know why. Ok, that’s a lie cause she knows why and it was cause she was scared. Very very scared because she’s been falling in love with him for months now and falling in love with you best friend, who also happens to be in love with you and who also works in the same company and with both of you being famous entertainers with no time nor privacy wasn’t really the safest route she could take. Plus Bae was young and inexperience and that last thing she wanted was for it to not work out and then having their friendship ruined.
And so she doesn’t know what she wants because she feels alive when she’s with him, and there is so much love shinning in his eyes when he looks at her that it was all she could do not to take him and kiss him.
And she remembers how it was last night.
~~FLASHBACK~~
Dara looks up at Bae as he stares to the sky. He’s so cute, Dara thinks. His thigh is pressed up against hers as she clutches his hand. She’s missed him the last few days, he’s been avoiding her and she understood why but she wasn’t happy about it. Going more than a day without some phone call or text message at least was becoming difficult now.
Bae was rambling on about something or the other but she wasn’t paying him any attention. She loved watching him, seeing how animated he would get as he moved his left hand around, he kept a firm hold of left hand in his right though. Part of her really really wanted to lay her head on his shoulder, maybe take a deeper whiff of the cologne he was wearing -the sent had been teasing her nose for the past few hours - but the voice in the back of her mind reminded her of the reasons why it wouldn’t be a good idea. It was bad for her career, it was bad for his career, they both had no time, YG doesn’t like inter family relationships, if it doesn’t work out she won’t be able to avoid him, she’ll get hurt, he’ll get hurt, he’s too inexperience, he deserves someone younger and more playful, etc.
Just as she was listing out all the reasons why to not kiss Bae, he kisses her…and it’s wonderful. At first the kiss is soft and hesitant and she pushes back, kisses back -she wants him. And when Bae takes the initiative and deepens the kiss, it’s wonderful, amazing and glorious. And then she feels his hand on her arm and suddenly it’s all too real and the reasons why not come rushing back at her and she pushes. The minute his lips are away from hers she knew something was loss and she wanted it back, she wanted him back kissing her but she already ruined the moment, she’s ruined everything in a moment of panic.
“I’m sorry,” Young Bae says and he sitting there looking at her and just for a second she sees the shadows, almost 6 months gone now, come back into his eyes.
“Bae, look I don’t -” She wants to tell him she’s scared, that she not use to feeling like this, that this could be their biggest mistake ever and that just maybe, just maybe, she loves him too. But instead she gets to say nothing because he standing up and leaving.
“No really, I understand and I’m sorry about misunderstanding,” is his parting words. She calls for him but in a flash he’s gone, barreling down the stairs.
~~END FLASHBACK~~
Dara had tried to contact Bae this morning, to send him a quick text to get a sense of how he was feeling but he didn’t reply. She’s since sent him several texts today and after 2 no replies, she gotten a short message explaining that he had been sleeping. After that every message she sent got a very short reply, until Bae finally sent a text saying he was busy and wouldn’t be able to text for a while. That was 5 hours ago. He could very well be busy but she got the sense that he just didn’t want to talk to her.
And to be honest she didn’t know what she would say cause she wasn’t sure if she wanted to just be friends or to take the next level. She was conflicted but how conflicted could she be when just the mere mention of his name made her smile, she adored him and that was fact but was it worth the risk?
----
Minji
We Need A Resolution, We Have So Much Confusion
Young Bae oppa and Dara unni thought they were being cautious but in all honesty the whole YG family knew something strange was going on between them, and we were talking, A LOT, Minji thinks while eating dinner.
And it wasn’t that hard to see either cause suddenly they were texting each other all the time, and they would sit together and have lunch together and meet up and a whole bunch of things that they’ve always done before but now they’re doing it 10x more. If you then add in how, umm how should she put it, strange Young Bae oppa was being (and OMG, she couldn’t believe it when she heard about him and Younha unni -bad oppa).
But Dara unni was being obvious too, like how much she would talk about oppa to the girls - it was all Bae this and Bae that, Bae and I did this and we did that -and how excited she got whenever he was mentioned. But if you asked her if she like him or if anything was going on, the answer was no and a “we’re just friends”.
Minji knew about friends and how friends behaved and Dara unni and Young Bae oppa were definitely moving past friends.
But maybe not, there was that whole Younha unni thing but then again Dara unni was definitely not happy during that whole quick period that Young Bae oppa and Younha unni were maybe possibly kind of going out. So who knows what was going on between those two.
Minji gets up from her dinner and puts away her dishes. As she walks towards her room she hears Dara unni calling her name.
“Minji-ah, Minji-ah”
“Yes, unni,” she says as she walks in. Dara unni is lying on her bed, a photobook open in front of her. Unni motions for her to come sit down next to her and points at a picture in the book. It was from their pre-debut days; in the picture Dara and Young Bae were making funny faces at the camera with roller coasters and colorful tents behind them. They look adorable in the picture but Minji had no idea about when it was taken.
“This was taken about 5 years ago,” Unni says.
“Young Bae and I were really bored one day and decided that instead of practicing on our own that we would instead go to Lotte World for a day of fun,” Dara unni laughs as she points out more pictures of her and Young Bae oppa from that day. “We didn’t tell anybody that we were going but kind of just went.”
“Really?” Minji was really surprised because she didn’t expect this from those two, Young Bae was pretty mischievous but never very spontaneous nor was Dara unni.
“Yeah, it was a very spur of the moment thing,” Dara says. After a moment of them both looking at the pictures, Dara unni turns to her with a very serious expression.
“Minji, I want to ask your advice if that’s ok?”
“Sure unni, I’ll do my best.” Minji wonders what exactly Dara unni can ask her advice about, she’s barely 17, she has no experience.
“If you met someone and he makes your heart flutter every time he smiles at you, and you’re both nervous and comfortable when you’re with him -which is strange, I know - and you know that he loves you would you be with him?” Here unni’s voice takes on a very desperate air though she’s back to looking at the pictures, obviously her answer is very important to her and Minji suddenly feels a lot of pressure, what if she gives Dara unni bad advice.
“Even if you know that you being with him will be difficult and dangerous and a big risk?” Dara ask her. Unni is still staring at the pictures, her fingers caressing the edge of the book.
“Nothing that’s worth getting is without risk,” Minji says. “I would take the chance.”
Dara unni looks at her, her face serious and she looks deep in thought, she nods and says “Thanks Minji-ah, you gave me a lot to think about.”
And with that that conversation ends and Dara unni perks up again and they start going through more of the photobook, sharing memories. And Minji hopes that her advice pushes Dara unni in the right direction.
Pairing: Taeyang/Dara, with other variations
Rating: R
Summary: What do you do when the person you love doesn't love you back? Which do you trust when following your heart mean losing your head? Do you let yourself be used if it means being with the one you want, however briefly?
CHAPTER 4: Vignettes
It’s You and Me and All of The People
Mid- May
Young Bae
Don’t Speak, I Know Just What You’re Saying
In all honesty, Young Bae didn’t know where this was leading. Him and Dara have been in this weird flux state for about a month now -they most definitely weren’t going out but at the same time they weren’t just friends either. To be honest, they were just awkward. Ever since they’ve gotten pass his little (o.k. huge) blow up he’s been trying to pull away a little from Dara -in part to not make her uncomfortable and in part to spare himself the heartbreak -but whenever he pulls away she pulls him closer and when he would pull closer, she moves away. And so he was left confused -what did she want? Ji Yong said it was just a game girls played but he was a simple man and wasn’t much into games. Then Ji said he was hopeless and Young Bae kind of agreed. Take three nights ago for instance.
He was on top of the roof after a long long day in the studio with Teddy hyung when Dara had walked up behind him.
~~FLASHBACK~~
“There you are” says a quiet voice behind him. Young Bae looks back and sees Dara approaching him from the roof’s door. He’s observing the skyline and the Seoul city streets from on top of the YG building. He had spent more hours then he wanted to contemplate with Teddy hyung putting the final touches on his album and not to mention the headache inducing meeting with the YGE exec board -some people were still not over the fact he changed the album, the amount of sexual references in the album and pretty much anything and everything to do with it. Part of him is seriously contemplating saying f-ck it all and not putting anything out but then he remembers his fans who have waited an epically long time for this album and all the people who had put effort into it. At this point it was bigger than him.
“Hey,” he says quietly back. Dara is wearing a baggy tee-shirt and some jeans, her hair was once again messy but her bright smile more than made up for it. She comes and takes a seat next to him. She grabs the hand closes to her, his right, and starts playing with his fingers. He gives a little laugh as he stares at their fingers, she looks up at him and laughs too and she’s gorgeous and like always he’s left breathless.
“When I see you looking only at me,” he whispers and then stops, the lyrics of Take It Slow caught in his mind.
“What?” Dara gives him a confused look.
“Nothing...just thinking.” And they sit there for a moment in peaceful silence, Dara done playing with his fingers and now just holding his hand. The stars twinkle above them and the honks and horns of the cars below play a lulling rhythm in the background; truthfully Young Bae could stay like this forever.
“Umm…not that I’m not happy you’re here Dara but why are you here?” he asks after a few minutes.
“I was told this was where you were and since we haven’t seen each other in a bit,” and here she glares at him and he winces a little cause truthfully he has been avoiding her the last few days but it hurts to have the one thing that you’ve ever wanted in front of you and yet have it so far out of your reach. “And so I came to visit you in the studio and Teddy oppa told me you were here,” she finishes with a smile.
He smiles back and thanks her and they start talking and once they start it’s like they can’t stop. They talk about his album (and he even sings her a few lines of Superstar which had her blushing), her and the rest of 2NE1 working with Will.I.Am, her fears about the future, his fears, etc. And as they talk, they hold hands and everything just feels so right and he decides that this may be his chance and he looks at her and leans forward and she looks at him and bites her lips and they kiss. Her lips are warm and soft underneath his, and it is everything he’s imagined it would be and more -he sees stars and fireworks and the whole shebang. Her lips move and he takes it deeper, runs his free hand down her arm. And then he felt a shove on his chest as Dara pushed away from him.
They sit apart from each other for a moment, neither talking. Now he’s embarrassed and it’s awkward.
“I’m sorry,” he says. She’d looked shell shock for the second he had looked at her - he can’t bare too look at her too long at the moment and his chest feels constricted and it’s a little hard to breathe. Once again she leaves me breathless, Young Bae thinks sadly.
“Bae, look I don’t -”
“No really, I understand and I’m sorry about misunderstanding.” And before she can start talking again he quickly gets up and walks out the door. He hears her calling his name behind him but it’s barely a whisper against the roaring in his ears.
He doesn’t cry, no, because that’s pathetic. But he is embarrassed and he wonders what exactly was this about, and why was he putting himself through this. And so he spends the next two hours in the gym trying to forget this night and forget her.
It doesn’t work.
----
Dara
I Messed Up, Better I should Know
I’m so stupid, I’m so stupid, I’m so stupid
Dara lays on her bed and honestly she doesn’t know what to do. Last night, Bae kissed her and she pulled away and she doesn’t know why. Ok, that’s a lie cause she knows why and it was cause she was scared. Very very scared because she’s been falling in love with him for months now and falling in love with you best friend, who also happens to be in love with you and who also works in the same company and with both of you being famous entertainers with no time nor privacy wasn’t really the safest route she could take. Plus Bae was young and inexperience and that last thing she wanted was for it to not work out and then having their friendship ruined.
And so she doesn’t know what she wants because she feels alive when she’s with him, and there is so much love shinning in his eyes when he looks at her that it was all she could do not to take him and kiss him.
And she remembers how it was last night.
~~FLASHBACK~~
Dara looks up at Bae as he stares to the sky. He’s so cute, Dara thinks. His thigh is pressed up against hers as she clutches his hand. She’s missed him the last few days, he’s been avoiding her and she understood why but she wasn’t happy about it. Going more than a day without some phone call or text message at least was becoming difficult now.
Bae was rambling on about something or the other but she wasn’t paying him any attention. She loved watching him, seeing how animated he would get as he moved his left hand around, he kept a firm hold of left hand in his right though. Part of her really really wanted to lay her head on his shoulder, maybe take a deeper whiff of the cologne he was wearing -the sent had been teasing her nose for the past few hours - but the voice in the back of her mind reminded her of the reasons why it wouldn’t be a good idea. It was bad for her career, it was bad for his career, they both had no time, YG doesn’t like inter family relationships, if it doesn’t work out she won’t be able to avoid him, she’ll get hurt, he’ll get hurt, he’s too inexperience, he deserves someone younger and more playful, etc.
Just as she was listing out all the reasons why to not kiss Bae, he kisses her…and it’s wonderful. At first the kiss is soft and hesitant and she pushes back, kisses back -she wants him. And when Bae takes the initiative and deepens the kiss, it’s wonderful, amazing and glorious. And then she feels his hand on her arm and suddenly it’s all too real and the reasons why not come rushing back at her and she pushes. The minute his lips are away from hers she knew something was loss and she wanted it back, she wanted him back kissing her but she already ruined the moment, she’s ruined everything in a moment of panic.
“I’m sorry,” Young Bae says and he sitting there looking at her and just for a second she sees the shadows, almost 6 months gone now, come back into his eyes.
“Bae, look I don’t -” She wants to tell him she’s scared, that she not use to feeling like this, that this could be their biggest mistake ever and that just maybe, just maybe, she loves him too. But instead she gets to say nothing because he standing up and leaving.
“No really, I understand and I’m sorry about misunderstanding,” is his parting words. She calls for him but in a flash he’s gone, barreling down the stairs.
~~END FLASHBACK~~
Dara had tried to contact Bae this morning, to send him a quick text to get a sense of how he was feeling but he didn’t reply. She’s since sent him several texts today and after 2 no replies, she gotten a short message explaining that he had been sleeping. After that every message she sent got a very short reply, until Bae finally sent a text saying he was busy and wouldn’t be able to text for a while. That was 5 hours ago. He could very well be busy but she got the sense that he just didn’t want to talk to her.
And to be honest she didn’t know what she would say cause she wasn’t sure if she wanted to just be friends or to take the next level. She was conflicted but how conflicted could she be when just the mere mention of his name made her smile, she adored him and that was fact but was it worth the risk?
----
Minji
We Need A Resolution, We Have So Much Confusion
Young Bae oppa and Dara unni thought they were being cautious but in all honesty the whole YG family knew something strange was going on between them, and we were talking, A LOT, Minji thinks while eating dinner.
And it wasn’t that hard to see either cause suddenly they were texting each other all the time, and they would sit together and have lunch together and meet up and a whole bunch of things that they’ve always done before but now they’re doing it 10x more. If you then add in how, umm how should she put it, strange Young Bae oppa was being (and OMG, she couldn’t believe it when she heard about him and Younha unni -bad oppa).
But Dara unni was being obvious too, like how much she would talk about oppa to the girls - it was all Bae this and Bae that, Bae and I did this and we did that -and how excited she got whenever he was mentioned. But if you asked her if she like him or if anything was going on, the answer was no and a “we’re just friends”.
Minji knew about friends and how friends behaved and Dara unni and Young Bae oppa were definitely moving past friends.
But maybe not, there was that whole Younha unni thing but then again Dara unni was definitely not happy during that whole quick period that Young Bae oppa and Younha unni were maybe possibly kind of going out. So who knows what was going on between those two.
Minji gets up from her dinner and puts away her dishes. As she walks towards her room she hears Dara unni calling her name.
“Minji-ah, Minji-ah”
“Yes, unni,” she says as she walks in. Dara unni is lying on her bed, a photobook open in front of her. Unni motions for her to come sit down next to her and points at a picture in the book. It was from their pre-debut days; in the picture Dara and Young Bae were making funny faces at the camera with roller coasters and colorful tents behind them. They look adorable in the picture but Minji had no idea about when it was taken.
“This was taken about 5 years ago,” Unni says.
“Young Bae and I were really bored one day and decided that instead of practicing on our own that we would instead go to Lotte World for a day of fun,” Dara unni laughs as she points out more pictures of her and Young Bae oppa from that day. “We didn’t tell anybody that we were going but kind of just went.”
“Really?” Minji was really surprised because she didn’t expect this from those two, Young Bae was pretty mischievous but never very spontaneous nor was Dara unni.
“Yeah, it was a very spur of the moment thing,” Dara says. After a moment of them both looking at the pictures, Dara unni turns to her with a very serious expression.
“Minji, I want to ask your advice if that’s ok?”
“Sure unni, I’ll do my best.” Minji wonders what exactly Dara unni can ask her advice about, she’s barely 17, she has no experience.
“If you met someone and he makes your heart flutter every time he smiles at you, and you’re both nervous and comfortable when you’re with him -which is strange, I know - and you know that he loves you would you be with him?” Here unni’s voice takes on a very desperate air though she’s back to looking at the pictures, obviously her answer is very important to her and Minji suddenly feels a lot of pressure, what if she gives Dara unni bad advice.
“Even if you know that you being with him will be difficult and dangerous and a big risk?” Dara ask her. Unni is still staring at the pictures, her fingers caressing the edge of the book.
“Nothing that’s worth getting is without risk,” Minji says. “I would take the chance.”
Dara unni looks at her, her face serious and she looks deep in thought, she nods and says “Thanks Minji-ah, you gave me a lot to think about.”
And with that that conversation ends and Dara unni perks up again and they start going through more of the photobook, sharing memories. And Minji hopes that her advice pushes Dara unni in the right direction.