[FIC] Losing My Religion [CH.3]
Title: Losing My Religion
Pairing: Taeyang/Dara, with other variations
Rating: R
Summary: What do you do when the person you love doesn't love you back? Which do you trust when following your heart mean losing your head? Do you let yourself be used if it means being with the one you want, however briefly?
Chapter 3
I Got A Disease
Mid- April
Her lips were soft against his and the soft skin of her hips under his fingertips dared him to brush his fingers higher. He deepens the kiss and she let out a small moan and he takes it even deeper.
They were in the new dance studio sitting in one of the benches - well more like he was sitting and she was on his lap. She runs her fingers down his chest as he moves his lips from hers to down her neck. He nibbles a little and she sighs, he bites down and sucks and she moans. His hands creep higher and brushes the underside of her breast, she lets out another moan and he glances and looks her in the eye.
And suddenly he hates himself. He really really hates himself. He finds himself pulling back and grabbing Younha’s hands from where they were caressing his chest and the back of his shoulders.
“Young Bae, what’s going on?” They both were starting to stand up as he pushes her off his lap. She reaches out to him again and he side steps her hands; the hurt in her eyes kills him. I'm an ass, Young Bae thinks.
“Umm, I think we’re moving too fast. You know we have to slow it down, take it slow,” he bashfully rubs the back of his neck while avoiding looking her in the eyes. Before she became the girl he made out with in the dance studio almost two weeks ago, Younha was his friend. She is a Crazy dancer and has had a crush on him for at least a year now, which just shows how much of a douche he was to let things get to this point. For using her like this.
“Am I moving too fast? I’m so sorry, Bae -“
“DON’T call me that,” Young Bae snaps at her, pausing her mid-sentence. She looks up, her beautiful large brown eyes filling with tears and her mouth closing and opening as if she has something to say but was afraid to speak. God, he is an ass, a complete and total ass. Young Bae steps forward to apologize but Younha quickly grabs her stuff and runs out.
“You know what Young Bae, fuck you!” She yells at him on her way out, loud angry stomps echoing behind her. And he’s left in the dancer studio, alone.
“Damn it, damn it, damn it, fuck, shit, damn it,” Young Bae curses. He sits back down and tries to figure out how he got to where he is now; in a potential break up with his somewhat girlfriend (who he doesn't even really like) and having not talked to his best friend (the one girl he’s madly in love with) in a month because he lost his cool on what was supposed to be a fun day.
“shit, fuck, damn it, fuck,” Young Bae hadn't had reason to curse this much since…well since the argument with Dara back in March. And God, thinking about it now makes him so angry -at himself, at her. Damn it, her hates her, he fucking hates her so fucking much and he loves her, dear God does her loves her and maybe that’s why it hurts so much. And he couldn’t help think back to that day, the day it all went to hell.
--flashback-
Mid-March
“Seriously Dara, hurry up! I want to start this movie,” Young Bae yells across the room.
He and Dara were having one of their now regular movie night, tonight was his night to choose so he chose Iron Man. Dara, who was taking her sweet time getting popcorn, wasn't exactly keen on the movie. They were in his apartment and he had already gotten himself comfortable on the couch with blankets and everything. These dinner and a movie nights that they’ve been having recently had become the highlight of his week.
“Dara, seriously, I’m going to start it.”
“Calm down, it’s not like you haven’t already watch this,” Dara says as she walks in some jeans and an old baggy t-shirt, her hair is in a messy bun and she’s looking ten kinds of distracted; Young Bae has never seen her more beautiful and there lies his problem.
Though he’s always had a mild crush on Dara (seriously it wasn’t that big of a deal) he has always placed her very very firmly in the “FRIENDS” category -i.e the do not touch, will never happen, never going to get this, keep dreaming boy category. However, he’s been slowly falling heads over heels in love with her in the past few months and the fact that they’ve gotten closer just makes it harder.
Accidentally coddles on the couch after a movie when she falls asleep on his shoulder, moments when they’ll be sitting next to each other in the middle of a group dinner and she’ll just reach out and squeeze his hand if he start getting too deep into his thoughts, the constant barrage of friendly texts that has him glued to his phone. He knows what this is, it’s the feeling of love and he’s scared. Very very scared. And he’s scared because he knows that as much as he loves her, she doesn’t love him and it hurts.
“Hey Bae, you ok?” Dara ask as she makes her way to the couch. She gets herself comfortable under their shared blankets, her feet tucked under her thighs and her toes tickling his.
“No honestly, I’m fine. Ready for the movie.” And he smiles at her and she smiles at him and honestly she needs to stop cause he’s already in too deep.
The movie passes by quickly and by the end she’s declaring her undying love of Robert Downey Jr. and they’re covered in popcorn cause midway through she decided to throw some at him and he retaliated and it became a mini food-fight, which he’s really going to regret once he has to clean up but it’s a happy memory now.
Now it’s dark and the tv screen is blank and they’re sitting at the opposite ends of the couch. Part of him is like ‘Go for it, kiss the girl’ while the other is ‘don’t be a fool’ and so he’s just sitting there hoping it doesn’t become awkward.
“So how’s Yuri?”
The question comes out of nowhere cause he really hasn’t mentioned Yuri in a while and Dara never really asks about her.
“Oh, she’s fine. Busy, really busy but we still talk and stuff.” Young Bae is confused at where she’s going with this.
“So, are you guys dating yet?” Young Bae can’t see her face in the dark but she sounded generally curious. He’s honestly tired of answering questions about his love life, for what he had hope to be a secret had turned into something the whole family knew about.
“For the last time, Yuri and I are just friends,” he’s been telling this to everyone but they don’t believe him. In all honesty, Yuri was really nice but he didn’t want to date her if he wasn’t feeling her. And he wasn’t feeling her cause he was in love with Dara. But Yuri was feeling him, which just made him mad cause she’s sexy and beautiful and amazing and he can’t seem to like her as much as she likes him and it was Dara’s fault.
He feels a kick to his foot and looks over at Dara again.
“Why not - she’s Kwon Yuri, you could hardly do better?”
“Thanks, nice of you to say that.” He give her a look and she laughs and he loves it. God, he’s love sick and sprung and he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
“Why are you jealous,” he teases back. “You want to get with this?” He teases as points to himself. To be honest he’s generally curious.
“Ha ha, no. That’s not going to happen” They both laugh it off but he’s more than a little hurt.
“Just curious as to why you never had a girlfriend? There’s girls all around.”
“I’ve just not met the one and I’m busy” he says, hoping to get off this topic. He doesn't like to talk about his dating experience, or lack thereof, with anyone -except for Ji Yong and maybe his brother.
“bullshit” She exclaims and he’s so surprise that he jumps back on the couch. “Tell me the truth, you’ve been on dates before so why no girlfriend?”
“Seriously, Dara just drop it. I told you I was busy and there was no spark,” he’s a little frustrated with her and parts of him wants to shout out that she’s the problem.
“Now come on, what’s the truth?” she presses on. “Too busy for Kyung Ja and Eun Sun? And I swear you and Ji Hye had something going on. You can tell me, promise.”
“Nothing has ever seriously gone on between Ji Hye and I and Kyung Ja and Eun Sun were just casual dates that didn’t go anywhere. Why waste my time if it isn’t going to go anywhere?”
“No, there must be a reason why that they didn’t work out.” Dara seems to be in her zone right now, as if she had a mystery to solve and couldn’t help digging deeper. And to be honest, YB was a little fed up, no scratch that, he was more than a little fed up and wishes she would stop because if she kept going then he’s liable to become upset.
“Are you gay?” She asks him. “You can tell me Bae, I wont judge you. Chul-”
“Seriously Dara? Seriously, fuck!” Young Bae, already upset, was becoming downright pissed. “No, I’m not gay”
Dara sits calmly in her place on the couch, hand held out like she’s trying to sooth a raging bull.
“Bae, it’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with-”
“Seriously, shut up Dara, what the fuck?,” Young Bae jumps off the couch. Did she seriously think he was gay, did everyone think he was gay, had she told anyone about this theory of hers?
Dara finally stands up and she looks fierce, upset and on the verge of raging hell herself.
“Well fine then, I’m trying to help you out and you scream at me. I’m just letting you know I’m here for you if you want to talk about it,” She raises her head and sticks her chin out as she’s apt to do when she’s upset and trying to play it fierce. Her voice isn’t that loud because Dara wasn’t one to yell but damn did she look vicious. “You’ve had Kwon fucking Yuri as well as countless other beautiful girls throwing themselves at you and you don’t seem interested, so what the hell am I supposed to think, Bae?”
What started out as such a wonderful night had turned into a mess, a damn mess and Young Bae didn’t know what to do. And there was Dara, standing there throwing accusations at him and questioning his sexuality, hair a mess and face all scrunched up and damn it if he had ever found her more beautiful. And that was when he knew he was fucked and he might as well damn it all to hell.
“God Dara, do I have to spell it out for you?!?” Young Bae yells at her. “It’s you, you’re my problem. You wonder why I don’t date? Why I’ve turned down every girl that’s come my way?”
“It’s cause of you! I’ve loved you since the day I met you and it hurts that it’s been four years and you have never ever even glanced my way,” He walks up to her and gets right in her face.
“Every single time I’ve tried to start a relationship it fails cause those girls aren’t you. Their laughs aren’t your laugh, their smiles aren’t your smile and I’m always left sitting there wondering why I’m eating dinner with them when I could be sitting on my couch with you in our sweats playing Mario Brothers.”
Young Bae laughs and turns away from her.
“You have single handily sabotaged every single relationship I’ve tried to have in the last 4 years. So fuck Dara, fuck. Life’s too short. At this point in time you’ll just have to let me know.”
He turns and looks at her and she’s shocked. Her face has turned white and her mouth gapes open and part of him wants to grab her and kiss her and never let her go while the rest of him is too scare to move.
“You have to let me know Dara. When you look at me, do you see anything? Do you feel anything?”
And she looks at him and there is silence and it’s thundering in his ears.
And that, well that was that.
--flashback ends--
Sitting on the bench, Young Bae takes out his phone. Should I or shouldn’t I, he thinks. He misses her, he misses talking to her and hearing her laugh and just sitting quietly next to her just breathing. He misses their late night conversations, he misses their movie nights and afternoon lunches, he misses her hand squeezing his shoulder and her hugs and God damn it he just misses Dara. And he’ll honestly take whatever part of Dara she’s willing to give; if she only wants to be friends than he’ll be the greatest friend she’ll ever have.
Can we be friends again? I’ve missed you.
He sends the text message and hopes for the best. Five minutes pass and no response, 10 minutes. He’s on the verge of giving up.
I’ve missed you too.
I’m sorry. Can we talk? Lunch tomorrow?
He waits for a response. And waits some more.
Please?
I’m sorry.
She finally response.
Ok. 12:30 at the café?
Yes. I’ll see you then. Missed you.
I’ve missed you too.
Pairing: Taeyang/Dara, with other variations
Rating: R
Summary: What do you do when the person you love doesn't love you back? Which do you trust when following your heart mean losing your head? Do you let yourself be used if it means being with the one you want, however briefly?
Chapter 3
I Got A Disease
Mid- April
Her lips were soft against his and the soft skin of her hips under his fingertips dared him to brush his fingers higher. He deepens the kiss and she let out a small moan and he takes it even deeper.
They were in the new dance studio sitting in one of the benches - well more like he was sitting and she was on his lap. She runs her fingers down his chest as he moves his lips from hers to down her neck. He nibbles a little and she sighs, he bites down and sucks and she moans. His hands creep higher and brushes the underside of her breast, she lets out another moan and he glances and looks her in the eye.
And suddenly he hates himself. He really really hates himself. He finds himself pulling back and grabbing Younha’s hands from where they were caressing his chest and the back of his shoulders.
“Young Bae, what’s going on?” They both were starting to stand up as he pushes her off his lap. She reaches out to him again and he side steps her hands; the hurt in her eyes kills him. I'm an ass, Young Bae thinks.
“Umm, I think we’re moving too fast. You know we have to slow it down, take it slow,” he bashfully rubs the back of his neck while avoiding looking her in the eyes. Before she became the girl he made out with in the dance studio almost two weeks ago, Younha was his friend. She is a Crazy dancer and has had a crush on him for at least a year now, which just shows how much of a douche he was to let things get to this point. For using her like this.
“Am I moving too fast? I’m so sorry, Bae -“
“DON’T call me that,” Young Bae snaps at her, pausing her mid-sentence. She looks up, her beautiful large brown eyes filling with tears and her mouth closing and opening as if she has something to say but was afraid to speak. God, he is an ass, a complete and total ass. Young Bae steps forward to apologize but Younha quickly grabs her stuff and runs out.
“You know what Young Bae, fuck you!” She yells at him on her way out, loud angry stomps echoing behind her. And he’s left in the dancer studio, alone.
“Damn it, damn it, damn it, fuck, shit, damn it,” Young Bae curses. He sits back down and tries to figure out how he got to where he is now; in a potential break up with his somewhat girlfriend (who he doesn't even really like) and having not talked to his best friend (the one girl he’s madly in love with) in a month because he lost his cool on what was supposed to be a fun day.
“shit, fuck, damn it, fuck,” Young Bae hadn't had reason to curse this much since…well since the argument with Dara back in March. And God, thinking about it now makes him so angry -at himself, at her. Damn it, her hates her, he fucking hates her so fucking much and he loves her, dear God does her loves her and maybe that’s why it hurts so much. And he couldn’t help think back to that day, the day it all went to hell.
--flashback-
Mid-March
“Seriously Dara, hurry up! I want to start this movie,” Young Bae yells across the room.
He and Dara were having one of their now regular movie night, tonight was his night to choose so he chose Iron Man. Dara, who was taking her sweet time getting popcorn, wasn't exactly keen on the movie. They were in his apartment and he had already gotten himself comfortable on the couch with blankets and everything. These dinner and a movie nights that they’ve been having recently had become the highlight of his week.
“Dara, seriously, I’m going to start it.”
“Calm down, it’s not like you haven’t already watch this,” Dara says as she walks in some jeans and an old baggy t-shirt, her hair is in a messy bun and she’s looking ten kinds of distracted; Young Bae has never seen her more beautiful and there lies his problem.
Though he’s always had a mild crush on Dara (seriously it wasn’t that big of a deal) he has always placed her very very firmly in the “FRIENDS” category -i.e the do not touch, will never happen, never going to get this, keep dreaming boy category. However, he’s been slowly falling heads over heels in love with her in the past few months and the fact that they’ve gotten closer just makes it harder.
Accidentally coddles on the couch after a movie when she falls asleep on his shoulder, moments when they’ll be sitting next to each other in the middle of a group dinner and she’ll just reach out and squeeze his hand if he start getting too deep into his thoughts, the constant barrage of friendly texts that has him glued to his phone. He knows what this is, it’s the feeling of love and he’s scared. Very very scared. And he’s scared because he knows that as much as he loves her, she doesn’t love him and it hurts.
“Hey Bae, you ok?” Dara ask as she makes her way to the couch. She gets herself comfortable under their shared blankets, her feet tucked under her thighs and her toes tickling his.
“No honestly, I’m fine. Ready for the movie.” And he smiles at her and she smiles at him and honestly she needs to stop cause he’s already in too deep.
The movie passes by quickly and by the end she’s declaring her undying love of Robert Downey Jr. and they’re covered in popcorn cause midway through she decided to throw some at him and he retaliated and it became a mini food-fight, which he’s really going to regret once he has to clean up but it’s a happy memory now.
Now it’s dark and the tv screen is blank and they’re sitting at the opposite ends of the couch. Part of him is like ‘Go for it, kiss the girl’ while the other is ‘don’t be a fool’ and so he’s just sitting there hoping it doesn’t become awkward.
“So how’s Yuri?”
The question comes out of nowhere cause he really hasn’t mentioned Yuri in a while and Dara never really asks about her.
“Oh, she’s fine. Busy, really busy but we still talk and stuff.” Young Bae is confused at where she’s going with this.
“So, are you guys dating yet?” Young Bae can’t see her face in the dark but she sounded generally curious. He’s honestly tired of answering questions about his love life, for what he had hope to be a secret had turned into something the whole family knew about.
“For the last time, Yuri and I are just friends,” he’s been telling this to everyone but they don’t believe him. In all honesty, Yuri was really nice but he didn’t want to date her if he wasn’t feeling her. And he wasn’t feeling her cause he was in love with Dara. But Yuri was feeling him, which just made him mad cause she’s sexy and beautiful and amazing and he can’t seem to like her as much as she likes him and it was Dara’s fault.
He feels a kick to his foot and looks over at Dara again.
“Why not - she’s Kwon Yuri, you could hardly do better?”
“Thanks, nice of you to say that.” He give her a look and she laughs and he loves it. God, he’s love sick and sprung and he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
“Why are you jealous,” he teases back. “You want to get with this?” He teases as points to himself. To be honest he’s generally curious.
“Ha ha, no. That’s not going to happen” They both laugh it off but he’s more than a little hurt.
“Just curious as to why you never had a girlfriend? There’s girls all around.”
“I’ve just not met the one and I’m busy” he says, hoping to get off this topic. He doesn't like to talk about his dating experience, or lack thereof, with anyone -except for Ji Yong and maybe his brother.
“bullshit” She exclaims and he’s so surprise that he jumps back on the couch. “Tell me the truth, you’ve been on dates before so why no girlfriend?”
“Seriously, Dara just drop it. I told you I was busy and there was no spark,” he’s a little frustrated with her and parts of him wants to shout out that she’s the problem.
“Now come on, what’s the truth?” she presses on. “Too busy for Kyung Ja and Eun Sun? And I swear you and Ji Hye had something going on. You can tell me, promise.”
“Nothing has ever seriously gone on between Ji Hye and I and Kyung Ja and Eun Sun were just casual dates that didn’t go anywhere. Why waste my time if it isn’t going to go anywhere?”
“No, there must be a reason why that they didn’t work out.” Dara seems to be in her zone right now, as if she had a mystery to solve and couldn’t help digging deeper. And to be honest, YB was a little fed up, no scratch that, he was more than a little fed up and wishes she would stop because if she kept going then he’s liable to become upset.
“Are you gay?” She asks him. “You can tell me Bae, I wont judge you. Chul-”
“Seriously Dara? Seriously, fuck!” Young Bae, already upset, was becoming downright pissed. “No, I’m not gay”
Dara sits calmly in her place on the couch, hand held out like she’s trying to sooth a raging bull.
“Bae, it’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with-”
“Seriously, shut up Dara, what the fuck?,” Young Bae jumps off the couch. Did she seriously think he was gay, did everyone think he was gay, had she told anyone about this theory of hers?
Dara finally stands up and she looks fierce, upset and on the verge of raging hell herself.
“Well fine then, I’m trying to help you out and you scream at me. I’m just letting you know I’m here for you if you want to talk about it,” She raises her head and sticks her chin out as she’s apt to do when she’s upset and trying to play it fierce. Her voice isn’t that loud because Dara wasn’t one to yell but damn did she look vicious. “You’ve had Kwon fucking Yuri as well as countless other beautiful girls throwing themselves at you and you don’t seem interested, so what the hell am I supposed to think, Bae?”
What started out as such a wonderful night had turned into a mess, a damn mess and Young Bae didn’t know what to do. And there was Dara, standing there throwing accusations at him and questioning his sexuality, hair a mess and face all scrunched up and damn it if he had ever found her more beautiful. And that was when he knew he was fucked and he might as well damn it all to hell.
“God Dara, do I have to spell it out for you?!?” Young Bae yells at her. “It’s you, you’re my problem. You wonder why I don’t date? Why I’ve turned down every girl that’s come my way?”
“It’s cause of you! I’ve loved you since the day I met you and it hurts that it’s been four years and you have never ever even glanced my way,” He walks up to her and gets right in her face.
“Every single time I’ve tried to start a relationship it fails cause those girls aren’t you. Their laughs aren’t your laugh, their smiles aren’t your smile and I’m always left sitting there wondering why I’m eating dinner with them when I could be sitting on my couch with you in our sweats playing Mario Brothers.”
Young Bae laughs and turns away from her.
“You have single handily sabotaged every single relationship I’ve tried to have in the last 4 years. So fuck Dara, fuck. Life’s too short. At this point in time you’ll just have to let me know.”
He turns and looks at her and she’s shocked. Her face has turned white and her mouth gapes open and part of him wants to grab her and kiss her and never let her go while the rest of him is too scare to move.
“You have to let me know Dara. When you look at me, do you see anything? Do you feel anything?”
And she looks at him and there is silence and it’s thundering in his ears.
And that, well that was that.
--flashback ends--
Sitting on the bench, Young Bae takes out his phone. Should I or shouldn’t I, he thinks. He misses her, he misses talking to her and hearing her laugh and just sitting quietly next to her just breathing. He misses their late night conversations, he misses their movie nights and afternoon lunches, he misses her hand squeezing his shoulder and her hugs and God damn it he just misses Dara. And he’ll honestly take whatever part of Dara she’s willing to give; if she only wants to be friends than he’ll be the greatest friend she’ll ever have.
Can we be friends again? I’ve missed you.
He sends the text message and hopes for the best. Five minutes pass and no response, 10 minutes. He’s on the verge of giving up.
I’ve missed you too.
I’m sorry. Can we talk? Lunch tomorrow?
He waits for a response. And waits some more.
Please?
I’m sorry.
She finally response.
Ok. 12:30 at the café?
Yes. I’ll see you then. Missed you.
I’ve missed you too.