Sappy, I know.
You know who you are. I was having an extremely bad day, a horrible night - but I thought of going home to you...dude I don't even KNOW if I'm going to go home TO you...I know you live there but dude we haven't talked in a few weeks now and you're not trying to make any contact and that's fine - but still, just the thought of you, even hugging you, seeing you...just the thought - takes off the weight on my shoulders. You honestly make everything okay, and even if you're not there for me to go home to, the thought of you is like being home. Lately I feel dead - almost like I'm just floating through my days, not really existing. I just used to have this really powerful...source, I guess, almost like an internal lighthouse kind of thing, that was just there and it was vibrant and it was real and it was beautiful and I FELT vibrant and real and beautiful - and I lost that. I'm even scared to be writing this to you, about you - because what if you turn out to be just what everyone else is to me? Nothing? What if it turns out that you don't feel the way you felt, or you think this is completely stupid and are ridiculing every sentence of it? I don't know, I'm not there, so I can't see what you're thinking, I can't know anything if you don't tell me - and since you haven't said a word...why? There are so many times when I think it's really because you don't want to say anything, or you don't have anything to say - or you're afraid of what my reaction will be. I'm all ready prepared for the worst, there is enough time and space between us where you can tell me anything and it won't hurt. Obviously it's not going to feel great if I figure out that my gut instinct is true - but it'll feel a lot better knowing I've at least got THIS off my shoulders.