Honesty
You want me to be honest? I'll be honest. I've had one of the worst months of my life. Did I have friends there for me? No. They turned around, turned away, turned towards the notion that, no, no one can cry but them. Hah - wait I can already see your reaction "Lana you need to get yourself through things no one can get through it for you". Oh yes, because you NEVER talk to your friends when things go wrong. Well good I got through it myself, lesson taught? Are you done screaming in my face now? No one can be upset about anything but them. Oh, wait I can hear them now "That's not what we're saying you're blowing this out of proportion" No, I'm no. I'm going by what you've done and said lately. So because I've had a rough month, that gives you complete authority to take the last few weeks and plaster them to two years and call me insane without ever once asking me anything. And their reaction to this? "Oh, she's trying to make people feel bad for her" Yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to do. No, don't be a fucking idiot. Look at what I'm saying. I'm saying that you wrongly accused me of being a certain way, I'm saying you completely misinterpreted everything I've ever done or said. I'm saying you're wrong. "Lana - it's not just me, it's everyone" Well hello world, my name is Lana and when my friends stab me in the back when my boyfriend turns into some horribly mean person who forgets that I was there when he needed someone (and always will be regardless of how he treats me) when I'm afraid for the life of a very close family member on top of the stress of AP's and school with no one to turn to I tend really not to know how to feel, what about you!? I seldom get angry with people for long periods of time. It's usually not possible. But look - there is a line. There is a certain amount of shit-talking in your face blaming Lana for every problem in the world and calling her a psycho because she's had a rough time just like everyone else goes through and wasn't sure how to deal with it that I can take. Acting the way you do towards me is NOT okay. Talking shit is NOT okay. Examining every move I make and, although you've seen them maybe two or three times this year - watchng every tear drop thinking how insane I am is NOT OKAY. You can cry, You can close off, You can be angry one day and happy the next, but if I do it? Nope. Nope Lana can't let anything affect her because she goes ballistic and she should just carry around a blank face beause if she'shappy she's crazy if she's sad she's crazy SHE"S BEEN FUCKING CONSTANT FOREVER AND WHEN HER LIFE GETS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN SHE"S NOT ALLOWED TO FUCKING REACT. You have no right or reason to say a word. None of you. Do you honestly think you know what I'm thinking what I'm feeling who I am, really really KNOW me when you don't talk to me or hang out with me or call me or give a shit what happens to me? No! Don't be stupid! I'm not talking to one person. I'm talking to all of you that, when I finally got out of this mess, completely turned your backs and treated me like a fucking mental patient. And no, I'm not talking about some lame exboyfriend who clumps me together in a malicious bitch package just like everyone else does. I'm not talking about watching every single one of you turn around and act like the shitheads you can't stand. Well guess what. I've got a strong head on my shoulders. I'm smart I'm intuitive and no matter what you think or thought or ever did, you no longer have the priveledge of having my trust. You probably don't care, seeing as you clearly never did. If you did you would never have treated me this way -never. After all the hours I've spent for you thinking about you doing small things to make you happy being there with a smile - you turn around and forget all of it.You push me away, you forget that I'm not crazy and really do just like furry animals daisies and Led Zep. Well excuse me for caring about you, excuse me for doing the same things you do, excuse me for being human, and excuse me for ever calling you my friend.