Burned out and resting
After my last post on what's going on that's got me hiding, I think I've figured it out.
I'm burned out.
I gave all my energies to organizing.
I've been organizing in committees and becoming involved in community groups in various incarnations since I was 21. There has rarely been a time in my life since then when I was not volunteering for more than one organization at a time. When I was in university that propensity to become involved was magnified and I was on so many committees that I carried a pager (most folks didn't have cell phones at the time) and allowed my grades to suffer in the final year as a result. It did buy me some unique and amazing experiences and taught me great lessons but it cost me qualifying grades for entry into Masters degree programs.
I've been doing so many jobs as a volunteer that I trained myself through experience to be able to run events and conventions successfully (giving attendees what they want in an event), organize and teach workshops and develop and nurture community relationships as a means of either developing or promoting the projects I'm working on.
I've spent so much time in events to be seen as a representative of my various committees that I've lost the desire to go to events because there's no "reason" for me to go now. I also used to see Pie when we were going together to an event, but now I have nobody to go with. I miss the events and the people there. I want to just avoid all the interpersonal power politics and drama and enjoy the company of my friends.
I've spent so much time on committees and participating in and running events that I had no time to look inward and work on the things that are important to my life rather than the community(ies) that are important to me. They're still important, but they don't need me to continue running and I'm still here if I'm needed or can serve as an information resource.
I've bitten off way more than I could chew and was getting to the point where I was ineffective in every committee because I'd run out of energy to do things. Now I'm working on projects related to my own shit. It's not visible work involving lots of people and planning, but it's valuable work all the same. I'm putting that effort into my own life and happiness. I'm getting my own shit together. I have a debt consolidation plan. I am cleaning out my apartment, slowly but surely. I'm getting better (slowly) at taking care of my body and my surroundings.
I'm enjoying my own company and having people visit me. I'm going to very few events because I want to be invited rather than ask if I can join in. I feel like I don't know where I fit in right now because for the first time in many years I have no context. I'm not "the uber-organizer" anymore. There's no 'reason' to meet me. I'm just me.
The problem with being burned out is that it takes an effort for me to go out and I've gotten lazy. I think I've forgotten entirely what it's like to go out and have fun just to have fun without having an underlying cause or reason to be there. I forgot what it was like to let loose.
Now I'm ready to let loose, but I'm not sure what direction to let it loose in.
I know this sound pathetic but.... If something that you think I'd like is going on in Toronto (especially cheap or free), please bug me to come out with you. I sometimes need extra encouragement, but I'd really appreciate it because I know that later I'll appreciate having made the effort.
I'm burned out.
I gave all my energies to organizing.
I've been organizing in committees and becoming involved in community groups in various incarnations since I was 21. There has rarely been a time in my life since then when I was not volunteering for more than one organization at a time. When I was in university that propensity to become involved was magnified and I was on so many committees that I carried a pager (most folks didn't have cell phones at the time) and allowed my grades to suffer in the final year as a result. It did buy me some unique and amazing experiences and taught me great lessons but it cost me qualifying grades for entry into Masters degree programs.
I've been doing so many jobs as a volunteer that I trained myself through experience to be able to run events and conventions successfully (giving attendees what they want in an event), organize and teach workshops and develop and nurture community relationships as a means of either developing or promoting the projects I'm working on.
I've spent so much time in events to be seen as a representative of my various committees that I've lost the desire to go to events because there's no "reason" for me to go now. I also used to see Pie when we were going together to an event, but now I have nobody to go with. I miss the events and the people there. I want to just avoid all the interpersonal power politics and drama and enjoy the company of my friends.
I've spent so much time on committees and participating in and running events that I had no time to look inward and work on the things that are important to my life rather than the community(ies) that are important to me. They're still important, but they don't need me to continue running and I'm still here if I'm needed or can serve as an information resource.
I've bitten off way more than I could chew and was getting to the point where I was ineffective in every committee because I'd run out of energy to do things. Now I'm working on projects related to my own shit. It's not visible work involving lots of people and planning, but it's valuable work all the same. I'm putting that effort into my own life and happiness. I'm getting my own shit together. I have a debt consolidation plan. I am cleaning out my apartment, slowly but surely. I'm getting better (slowly) at taking care of my body and my surroundings.
I'm enjoying my own company and having people visit me. I'm going to very few events because I want to be invited rather than ask if I can join in. I feel like I don't know where I fit in right now because for the first time in many years I have no context. I'm not "the uber-organizer" anymore. There's no 'reason' to meet me. I'm just me.
The problem with being burned out is that it takes an effort for me to go out and I've gotten lazy. I think I've forgotten entirely what it's like to go out and have fun just to have fun without having an underlying cause or reason to be there. I forgot what it was like to let loose.
Now I'm ready to let loose, but I'm not sure what direction to let it loose in.
I know this sound pathetic but.... If something that you think I'd like is going on in Toronto (especially cheap or free), please bug me to come out with you. I sometimes need extra encouragement, but I'd really appreciate it because I know that later I'll appreciate having made the effort.