Excited and nervious
I really hate that I know I have trust issues... Whenever anything really fun or exciting or I've been looking forward to is about to happen something comes along to screw it up. I know I shouldnt be annoyed but I cant help but be annoyed. I'm supposed to go on my third date with the guy I thought I wasnt even going to be able to date at all. The one that me and my friend liked. Luckily she has someone that she really likes already so she said she didnt really want to try and date another guy at the same time. I mean I feel kind of like a prick for dating him anyway... I cant help it I suppose whenever I like a guy I always end up doing the wrong thing saying too much and moving too fast. Its irratating... I know why I do it but I still let myself do it. Kind of all stems from my insecurities with my dad. I remember sitting there waiting for hours on end for him... Eager waiting and anticipating his arrival the moment I would get to be daddy's little laura again.. . It seemed like every girl in his life was more important than his first little daughter. I've been meaning to blog about this for a while to just get it out on some format without dumping it on someone or on him. I cant help it maybe people have this same emotion... Whenever you really really wanna tell someone off but they are important to you you cant help but swallow back that slab of heart ache and pretend like everything is okay while really your probably killing yourself from the stress or the pent up blood clot that is forming from your high blood pressure. Ever since then I cant really seem to trust any guy... I mean I've had father figures in my life or I should correct myself just one. My grandfather. He's quite possibly the best father figure any girl could ask for. Reliable, strict, over bearing and loving always there when you really need him. Unfortunately as much as I can go ahead and replace my dad with other fatherly figures I cant help but still want my own to "step it up" and be the dad he should. The most infurating thing is really that he could never own up that it was his fault... He never wrote, never called and bearly saw me ever. I think he was consistant for like maybe 4 years with that idea and even then he would run away and go work and then dump me on his latest wife or girlfriend or even his mom whom I get my name from. I mean it just sucks. I wonder at times what will I do when he dies... He has throat cancer but I dont know what to do about htat I dont know if I should be the bigger person and seek him out and be the daughter I know I could be or should I just stay away and let him have his new family and their happiness for however long he'll be able to have it. I feel as though if I were to go and try and seek out a relationship of any kind with him that it would be hypocritical at the very least. My co-worker and head of Surgery gave me the excellent advice of writting it all down in a letter everything that bothers me about him and send it to him and tell him how I feel and how I want him to love me and treat me better as his daughter. But the funny thing is I just dont want him in my life at all really... I hate that he passes judgement on me though to my brother... He says I'm a failure because I go to community college... I admit I'm not the proudest about the fact that I got to NOVA where the N stands for KNowledge... But its better than not going at all right? I mean I'm doing damn well there and I want to continue to do well there but he doesnt seem to care... The only time he ever asked me about how school was going he was really just trying ot fish around for information about my brother he didnt care what I had to say he talked about it for maximum 5 minutes.