(no subject)
The past five days have been quite interesting for me. I managed to get an appointment to see the GP I had seen two weeks before. She had suggested I come back to see her about the whole gender crap. I was pretty anxious about seeing the doctor because I didn't have a letter from Dr Curtis requesting that I be prescribed hormones and anti-androgens. I went hoping the doctor would prescribe. My appointment with the doctor was very disappointing. I explained that I had a letter from Dr Curtis and showed it to her and she read it. She didn't seem to be keen about the letter. I decided to tell her that I had discussed with Dr Curtis about transferring my prescription to the NHS because I wasn't earning at the moment. She told me straight away that she wouldn't be able to prescribe. Furthermore she told me that the doctor surgery will only prescribe if it was requested from a NHS gender specialist. I was quite angry, upset, worried at this time. One thing that stuck in my mind was when she pointed to the letter and told me that oestrogen is only prescribed to women and spirolactone was a heart drug. I was not in the mood for arguing my case and was also worried that I would be thrown out. Afterwards when things began to sink in I realised how insensitive it was for her to say those things. I asked the GP whether she had discussed the subject of funding for a Gender Identity Clinic referral. She hadn't discussed the subject and also asked me what the clinic was. I was dumbfounded and explained that they would provide a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and initiate any treatment needed. She then proceeded to say that it would be best if I found information about a Gender Identity Clinic that I could go to. The GP did refer me to a endocrinologist in London to discuss the hormones. I had actually been referred to this endocrinologist in 2004. He was really not able to help me though when we met because at the time I just wanted someone to talk through my issues. He naturally wasn't there to talk through my issues. It wasn't until 2007 that I finally started counselling. I was also booked in for a blood test for the 4th of September. This GP was a locum so I won't see her again. I want to make sure I am able to see a GP that will be useful to me. There are three male doctors and three female doctors. I will do my very best not to be seen by the male doctors because I don't like discussing my gender problems with them. To be honest I feel it's like a female problem and I feel more comfortable discussing it with a female. I walked out of the doctors in a bit of a daze and pretty upset. I wanted to cry there and then but there just wasn't a nice place to hide. I was also going back home where my mom was and didn't want to cry in front of her, which would result in probing questions. Saturday was a nice sunny day for a change and we went to Birmingham shopping as a family. I was after a protective sleeve for my nice spanking new Macbook. I didn't find one to my disappointment in the Apple shop but found a cheap one in Selfridges. I had a bad dysphoric day on Saturday, which I don't have that often. It was mainly the result of being in a mood, frustrated, and feeling ugly. I was annoyed with my step-dad for his attitude in the car journey there. He was voicing racist views and snobbery most of the journey. I was pleased to have my iPod so I put the volume up so I couldn't hear what he was saying. I still got annoyed though because I knew he was saying bad things. I know I shouldn't let these things get to me. I felt dysphoria with every woman and girl I saw around Birmingham. Most of them were pretty and had feminine features. I was actually feeling frustrated about my physical appearance. I have become happier with my feminine features but for some reason they just didn't feel enough at this time. I felt my features was more in the middle and I didn't like being there. I don't care what I wear or what I do, I just want to be female bodied. Sunday was a really cool day as we went on the Severn Valley Railway. I was surprised how amazing it was to ride on a steam train and see the old fashioned stations. It was almost like an escape from reality back in time. I kept imaging people in period dress sitting on the train and standing on the stations. I think I would love to travel back to the 1940s or 1950s and be able to dress in the fashion that existed then. I love history and also period dress and think I will learn more about it. An amazing thing happened whilst we are the train. I had been joking about with my mom by shaking her hand at the passers by, to make her wave. She then started teasing me by doing the same and I felt embarrassed. She then started to say something about when I was young but said “when you were a little girl”. She corrected herself immediately afterwards but I couldn't believe my ears and I held back the big smile I had inside. My mom has never done that before and it was a surprise. It certainly added more of a feel good factor to the whole day, and I was cheerful for the rest of the day. I don't know whether to read much into this event but it does feel quite significant for me and I hope it happens again. On that note, I will bring this journal entry to a close because I want to continue glowing again from thinking about that event.
