My Counselling Session, London, Gender Clinic Appointment, & Pink Punters...
The weekend is nearly over now and it feels like it’s been a very long one. I’ve been quite busy since Thursday and now keen to relax. I feel pretty tired and I’m not happy about this. This means I have to do something to improve my energy levels.
Thursday
Gender Counselling session:
I had an appointment to see the gender counsellor at 10am, and as he suggested I also came along to the drop in that is run where he works on a Sunday. The charity is called Gender Matters and has recently acquired new premises in a nice building in Wolverhampton.
Driving to Gender Matters wasn’t the most relaxing experience. My step-dad had mentioned that there were bad road works on the route that I had intended to use. With hindsight I should have looked at a map first but rather foolishly relied on my car satellite navigation. It wanted to take me back onto the road that I was trying to avoid so I got a little flustered. Fortunately going a longer way there only added about 15 minutes to my journey. I had set out earlier than I needed to so that I wasn’t so unlucky.
I had a useful counselling session, which pleased me. We had spent a little too much time away from the subject I really wanted to talk about though. I did, however, manage to steer the conversation towards what I wanted to talk about.
One positive thing was that the counsellor told I had made some good steps recently. I constantly feel frustrated about how much I feel I have done towards finding my feet. I just fail to see the significance of anything I’ve done, though I now realise I need to be more kind to myself. It often feels like the changes I make in my life is never enough. I guess they all amount up and help.
I wanted to discuss how I express my sexuality and managed to talk about it for the last 15 minutes. It has been something I’ve never talked to anyone about and I don’t like carrying it around with me. I know that my talking about things it is one less load on me.
I have always been concerned about how I express my sexuality. This started when I was in High School about the age of 14. My new best friend was very open and one day he asked me how much I masturbated. I remember this being a big surprise to me because I didn’t actually masturbate. I thought that there was something wrong with me and thinking I had to do something about it. I had absolutely no idea how to masturbate though and it took me ages to figure it out from descriptions of how men masturbate.
The next part was even more difficult as nothing seemed to arouse me. I wasn’t really physically interested in girls or boys. This was when it all went a bit confusing. I found that when I felt beautiful and attractive I became aroused. This was specifically when I dressed nicely and felt good about myself. When I liked what I saw this made me feel sexy and then aroused. I began to find that I was only properly aroused when I could see myself as a woman. I later found that I was aroused when I felt attractive towards men. I have suffered so much guilt and shame because of my feelings towards the male gender.
I now feel that when people feel good about themselves, feel whole, feel desirable towards the opposite sex, or same sex they become aroused. I think that maybe dressing up to look nice was the only way I could express the aforementioned.
When I started hormones my desires towards men went through the roof. This was pretty shocking considering how I felt in the past. The drop in my male sex drive seemed to help as well. I began to feel more able to tap into my sexual energies and explore my sexuality more freely to which I am so grateful for. Before hormones there something seemed to be deep down inside me that I couldn’t get to. The anxiety, strength and impulse nature of the constant need to release didn’t seem to allow me to tap into the things I feel now.
I was shocked how strong my feelings and desires towards men were becoming on hormones, and this led to worry that I could have always been a gay guy. One thing that conflicted with this idea though was my feelings of not being male in the first place. This has been on my mind for some time and I was relieved to be able to talk to my counsellor about this. We are going to explore this in more depth later I hope.
After the counselling session I stayed at the drop in for a few hours. It was good to meet some more trans people. Although, each time I’ve been to drop ins I’ve never really hit it off properly with the people there, which I’m sad about. There was a policewoman who usually calls into the centre to see if everything is ok with everyone.
For some reason I felt more comfortable talking to the policewoman than the trans women there. The trans women I have met so far at the drop in centres have scared me a bit. There was one nice trans woman but she was quite old and I found it a bit difficult to keep a conversation with her. Another trans woman kept talking about strange things and was a bit eccentric. The other trans woman I met was more my age but didn’t make me feel very comfortable because the first thing she asked me was how long I had been trans. I felt that was a bit personal at first but I did tell her. She also had a bit of nervous energy and spoke rather negatively about things which didn’t help.
I made my excuses and told them I had errands to do so I left eventually. I came away feeling happier from the counselling but anxious because of the people I had met afterwards unfortunately. Another thing (that is probably very silly thing to think) was that I wondered whether I was actually trans at because I couldn’t relate to the three trans women I had just met.
Thursday night didn’t go too well for me. I needed to tell my mom that I was going down to see Dr Curtis on Friday because I didn’t want to keep her in the dark. The reason I’m often reluctant to talk to my mom is because she seems to have strong opinions about what I have told her in the past. They seem to be one sided compared to my view of keeping my life options open.
One thing my mom always says that she is sure that my issues are the result of nurture, and that I must have missed some vital component in my upbringing to become like I am now. She has expressed that she doesn’t think its anything to do with nature at all. Another thing she always says is that I should find something to channel my energies into something else that I can get on with my life. This sounds like she is saying do something to ignore the feelings and needs.
I told her that in my opinion the best thing for me is to find out where my niche is in life by doing things and trying things out. I told her that I fully intend to channel my energies in a positive way, and not to waste my talents in life. This was something I would do along side my journey of transition/discovery I’m taking now.
She told me before I went to bed that I make her worry so much when I don’t tell her things. I told her I understood and just went to bed. I lay awake for hours and couldn’t sleep through anxiety. It was made worse my worrying about not making my appointment the next day in London.
At 1am I went downstairs to find my mom still watching TV. I sat down in the chair and started to tell her how sorry I was for worrying her so much, and told her that I would endeavour to try talk to her as much as possible. I also told her that she needed to talk to me and prompt me into talking. I said that we need some space away from the home to talk about my issues and feelings. I went to bed feeling much better and eventually fell asleep.
Friday
Dr Curtis Appointment & Pink Punters Night Out:
I woke up quite easily at 6am, the time I had intended to wake up. I couldn’t have had much sleep the night before but got ready to go. Naturally I was anxious what to wear because I didn’t want to mislead anyone such as Dr Curtis about how I was feeling from what I was wearing. I wanted to dress more androgynously because that’s how I currently feel safe but unfortunately I just don’t have that many clothes like that. In the end I was happy enough with what I was wearing.
I realise that Dr Curtis wouldn’t make any judgements from what I was wearing. I was just sad I couldn’t express how I was feeling through what I was wearing though. I did actually want to present as female but got very scared about doing that because I felt I wouldn’t be gendered once as female and that would cause me a lot of problems.
I arrived in London in good time and walked to the gender clinic. Though typically for me I had made a bit of a mistake by looking for the clinic first down the wrong road parallel with Wimpole St, and then looking for the wrong number. I eventually had to call the gender clinic feeling completely embarrassed, and got there just in time. In fact, Dr Curtis was running a bit late so I had a couple of minutes to try tidy my blown around hair and compose myself.
I went into Dr Curtis’s office and felt an immediate sense of being relaxed which was pretty cool. I was somewhat anxious about making sure I said everything I wanted to but that is usual. We had a good chat and I told him about what had been going on in my life since we last met. When it came to questions I was ready and asked a few about my hormones, anti-androgens and bilateral orchiectomy.
I had been a bit concerned about how dehydrated I had been feeling in the heat lately and asked him whether it would be an idea to switch to another androgen. He said it would best to monitor my electrolytes and we could discuss them next time. I also told him how frustrated I had found living back at home was. I told him how I needed to slow my transition down because I needed space away from home to transition. He initially told me that stopping hormones would increase the chances of osteoporosis. Though, I told him that I only intended to reduce the oestrogen dosage to slow my changes down and he said that would be fine. I also asked him if he would ask my doctor to prescribe and he was fine with that
I also asked Dr Curtis about orchiectomies and that as I didn’t want my testosterone to return I could have this procedure. I told him that I also wanted to know whether it would make SRS difficult or impossible. He told me that orchiectomy was only performed upon people who are full time, and that it was possible that it would make SRS more difficult unless I was well endowed. I replied with a smile that I don’t think that is the case! I was pleased to discuss this with him and I’ve decided not to consider it.
There was a rather cute guy working as Dr Curtis’s receptionist. I don’t know why I have a thing for some gay guys as well! One idea is that I know that I can flirt and look which I can’t really do with straight guys.
As I was walked down the stairs I checked my mobile phone and saw that my friend Bianca had sent me a text message saying that she would wait at the entrance to the building. It was a good thing I had checked my mobile because I would have either walked right past her, or she would have startled me because I didn’t expect her to be there.
I had lunch with Bianca, which unfortunately I didn’t eat much of because I wasn’t very hungry. I had eaten a sandwich two hours ago but didn’t expect to not feel hungry. I had a nice lager shandy which made me relaxed though after the long morning. Bianca always points out how stressy I am and I hate that sometimes because it’s so obvious when she says. Though she did tell me that Yoga and meditation is good for stress. Bianca is really femme as well which makes me feel butch, which I constantly tell her off about.
At the start of the week one of my online friends had suggested that I go out to a GLT club in Milton Keynes with her. She said it would a good step towards finding out who I was. I went shopping during the week and spent too many hours searching for something to wear. I think I was more anxious about it because it would be my first time presenting entirely as female. I was also anxious about being what looked like the only guy walking around the ladies fashion shops. Well, I finally got something which I felt was ok.
I had learned that another one of my friends (whom I am out to) was going to be in London on Friday, so I suggested we meet up. It hadn’t really crossed my mind to invite her to the club in Milton Keynes because I felt it would be her type of thing. Then I realised it would cool to invite her along so I did. She accepted when we met up in Victoria and we spent a few hours wandering around the city.
I’m not really a good wanderer with other people because I always get anxious about annoying the other person but just wandering. I was a bit frustrated with myself because I couldn’t think of anything we could have done in London, but I think this was mostly due to being tired.
I love being with this friend and it was amazing to be in her company again. I suggested we hang around London for the night instead of Milton Keynes. We eventually decided to call it a day though in London and head back to Milton Keynes. I suggested we get something to drink from the supermarket and us talk in the hotel room. Though when I got to the hotel and saw people around I started to get excited. I was still a bit reluctant to go because I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea but we eventually decided to go at 10pm.
This was the very first time I have presented and worn female clothes with someone around. My friend was is so cool though and she gave me some tips. It felt like big sister giving little sister advice, which was quite a funny thing to think about.
I wasn’t satisfied with how I looked but my friend assured me I looked fine. We then went the amazing short distance from the hotel to the club and waited to get in. I was asked for identification again. This has been twice this year and so amazing considering I’m 28. Interestingly I’ve been asked to prove my age both times with this girl. First time I was only asked though this time it both of us. Well, I was a bit bemused, frustrated but also flattered about having to prove I was over 18.
I felt nervous when I was in the club but also excited and with a few expectations. It was a pretty strange feeling being surrounded by so many transgender people. I felt safe and comfortable but at the same time pretty daunted. Everyone looked so happy and relaxed, which was really cool. They were all older and taller though which I also found a bit daunting. There were also some rather bold and confident girls. This unfortunately made me feel pretty insecure because I neither felt I looked good or felt completely confident.
Unfortunately, my feelings affected me in a negative way. I was being rather negative about people around as a result of my anxieties and insecurities. I was pretty jealous of everyone around me. I was being a complete and utter bitch. When we left the club and were in the hotel room my friend had picked up on this and told me. I realised then what I had been doing and became pretty upset. I know that this is something I’ve done in the past in different circumstances. I was so grateful for this feedback from my friend. She was so wise and I respect her so much for this.
My friend also expressed how frustrating it was me clinging to her. I also didn’t realise I’d been doing this as well and it was so helpful for it to be pointed out. It was partly to do with feeling really lucky to be with such a cute girl and wanting to show everyone that. Though I think it was also because I was anxious and was making sure my friend was around. This anxiety had partly come from me feeling over self-conscious.
It has been a bit difficult with my friend because my attraction to her is always growing. We have both expressed that we are not ready to commit to relationships. She also is interested in someone else so I should let her follow her heart. I really like her company and think she is an amazing person. I plan to take it easy but I know it will be a little difficult, but after all life isn’t always easy.
It was such a good feeling presenting as female, apart from the anxieties I had. I felt really good about myself and felt somewhat attractive as well. It was also amazing people acting normal with me presenting as female as well. I know that a GLT club isn’t exactly reality but I still liked the feeling.
I don’t know if I really intend to go to any more transgender specific venues in the near future. I am really keen to go to gay and lesbian bars and clubs though. I also think it might be cool to present as female in non-transgender venues as well. Let’s hope I get a bit of an income so I can go out and have some fun though!
Saturday
My friend and I shared the same room at the hotel and it was real nice to share some time with her. The best thing was she didn’t hate me in the morning! Go on, tell me to stop putting myself down, but it was a real plus point. We breakfasted on our BLT sandwiches we had bought the night before and had a nice lie in. My friend was also very affectionate, which was also a plus point. I didn’t tell her I wasn’t really in the mood and was tired but I loved it all the same! Who doesn’t like affection off a real cute girl?
When leaving the hotel the receptionist asked us if there had been any problems with our stay. To my amusement my friend remembered that the bed we had, that was on wheels, didn’t have any brakes on so it kept moving. We had solved the problem by putting toilet paper under the wheels, but it was so funny how my friend said that we found the bed moved a lot! I’m sure I can leave that all up to your imagination!
Journey back home was fine and I dropped my friend off in Coventry without any hiccups. I met her mom and dad who both were really nice and perked up after a good cappuccino (I’d forgotten how much I like these until then).
When I got home I was utterly shattered and zombified. I also got in a rather funny mood which I couldn’t make any sense of. I woke up on Sunday (today) feeling fine so it was just the fact I was tired (a very long weekend after all).
Thursday
Gender Counselling session:
I had an appointment to see the gender counsellor at 10am, and as he suggested I also came along to the drop in that is run where he works on a Sunday. The charity is called Gender Matters and has recently acquired new premises in a nice building in Wolverhampton.
Driving to Gender Matters wasn’t the most relaxing experience. My step-dad had mentioned that there were bad road works on the route that I had intended to use. With hindsight I should have looked at a map first but rather foolishly relied on my car satellite navigation. It wanted to take me back onto the road that I was trying to avoid so I got a little flustered. Fortunately going a longer way there only added about 15 minutes to my journey. I had set out earlier than I needed to so that I wasn’t so unlucky.
I had a useful counselling session, which pleased me. We had spent a little too much time away from the subject I really wanted to talk about though. I did, however, manage to steer the conversation towards what I wanted to talk about.
One positive thing was that the counsellor told I had made some good steps recently. I constantly feel frustrated about how much I feel I have done towards finding my feet. I just fail to see the significance of anything I’ve done, though I now realise I need to be more kind to myself. It often feels like the changes I make in my life is never enough. I guess they all amount up and help.
I wanted to discuss how I express my sexuality and managed to talk about it for the last 15 minutes. It has been something I’ve never talked to anyone about and I don’t like carrying it around with me. I know that my talking about things it is one less load on me.
I have always been concerned about how I express my sexuality. This started when I was in High School about the age of 14. My new best friend was very open and one day he asked me how much I masturbated. I remember this being a big surprise to me because I didn’t actually masturbate. I thought that there was something wrong with me and thinking I had to do something about it. I had absolutely no idea how to masturbate though and it took me ages to figure it out from descriptions of how men masturbate.
The next part was even more difficult as nothing seemed to arouse me. I wasn’t really physically interested in girls or boys. This was when it all went a bit confusing. I found that when I felt beautiful and attractive I became aroused. This was specifically when I dressed nicely and felt good about myself. When I liked what I saw this made me feel sexy and then aroused. I began to find that I was only properly aroused when I could see myself as a woman. I later found that I was aroused when I felt attractive towards men. I have suffered so much guilt and shame because of my feelings towards the male gender.
I now feel that when people feel good about themselves, feel whole, feel desirable towards the opposite sex, or same sex they become aroused. I think that maybe dressing up to look nice was the only way I could express the aforementioned.
When I started hormones my desires towards men went through the roof. This was pretty shocking considering how I felt in the past. The drop in my male sex drive seemed to help as well. I began to feel more able to tap into my sexual energies and explore my sexuality more freely to which I am so grateful for. Before hormones there something seemed to be deep down inside me that I couldn’t get to. The anxiety, strength and impulse nature of the constant need to release didn’t seem to allow me to tap into the things I feel now.
I was shocked how strong my feelings and desires towards men were becoming on hormones, and this led to worry that I could have always been a gay guy. One thing that conflicted with this idea though was my feelings of not being male in the first place. This has been on my mind for some time and I was relieved to be able to talk to my counsellor about this. We are going to explore this in more depth later I hope.
After the counselling session I stayed at the drop in for a few hours. It was good to meet some more trans people. Although, each time I’ve been to drop ins I’ve never really hit it off properly with the people there, which I’m sad about. There was a policewoman who usually calls into the centre to see if everything is ok with everyone.
For some reason I felt more comfortable talking to the policewoman than the trans women there. The trans women I have met so far at the drop in centres have scared me a bit. There was one nice trans woman but she was quite old and I found it a bit difficult to keep a conversation with her. Another trans woman kept talking about strange things and was a bit eccentric. The other trans woman I met was more my age but didn’t make me feel very comfortable because the first thing she asked me was how long I had been trans. I felt that was a bit personal at first but I did tell her. She also had a bit of nervous energy and spoke rather negatively about things which didn’t help.
I made my excuses and told them I had errands to do so I left eventually. I came away feeling happier from the counselling but anxious because of the people I had met afterwards unfortunately. Another thing (that is probably very silly thing to think) was that I wondered whether I was actually trans at because I couldn’t relate to the three trans women I had just met.
Thursday night didn’t go too well for me. I needed to tell my mom that I was going down to see Dr Curtis on Friday because I didn’t want to keep her in the dark. The reason I’m often reluctant to talk to my mom is because she seems to have strong opinions about what I have told her in the past. They seem to be one sided compared to my view of keeping my life options open.
One thing my mom always says that she is sure that my issues are the result of nurture, and that I must have missed some vital component in my upbringing to become like I am now. She has expressed that she doesn’t think its anything to do with nature at all. Another thing she always says is that I should find something to channel my energies into something else that I can get on with my life. This sounds like she is saying do something to ignore the feelings and needs.
I told her that in my opinion the best thing for me is to find out where my niche is in life by doing things and trying things out. I told her that I fully intend to channel my energies in a positive way, and not to waste my talents in life. This was something I would do along side my journey of transition/discovery I’m taking now.
She told me before I went to bed that I make her worry so much when I don’t tell her things. I told her I understood and just went to bed. I lay awake for hours and couldn’t sleep through anxiety. It was made worse my worrying about not making my appointment the next day in London.
At 1am I went downstairs to find my mom still watching TV. I sat down in the chair and started to tell her how sorry I was for worrying her so much, and told her that I would endeavour to try talk to her as much as possible. I also told her that she needed to talk to me and prompt me into talking. I said that we need some space away from the home to talk about my issues and feelings. I went to bed feeling much better and eventually fell asleep.
Friday
Dr Curtis Appointment & Pink Punters Night Out:
I woke up quite easily at 6am, the time I had intended to wake up. I couldn’t have had much sleep the night before but got ready to go. Naturally I was anxious what to wear because I didn’t want to mislead anyone such as Dr Curtis about how I was feeling from what I was wearing. I wanted to dress more androgynously because that’s how I currently feel safe but unfortunately I just don’t have that many clothes like that. In the end I was happy enough with what I was wearing.
I realise that Dr Curtis wouldn’t make any judgements from what I was wearing. I was just sad I couldn’t express how I was feeling through what I was wearing though. I did actually want to present as female but got very scared about doing that because I felt I wouldn’t be gendered once as female and that would cause me a lot of problems.
I arrived in London in good time and walked to the gender clinic. Though typically for me I had made a bit of a mistake by looking for the clinic first down the wrong road parallel with Wimpole St, and then looking for the wrong number. I eventually had to call the gender clinic feeling completely embarrassed, and got there just in time. In fact, Dr Curtis was running a bit late so I had a couple of minutes to try tidy my blown around hair and compose myself.
I went into Dr Curtis’s office and felt an immediate sense of being relaxed which was pretty cool. I was somewhat anxious about making sure I said everything I wanted to but that is usual. We had a good chat and I told him about what had been going on in my life since we last met. When it came to questions I was ready and asked a few about my hormones, anti-androgens and bilateral orchiectomy.
I had been a bit concerned about how dehydrated I had been feeling in the heat lately and asked him whether it would be an idea to switch to another androgen. He said it would best to monitor my electrolytes and we could discuss them next time. I also told him how frustrated I had found living back at home was. I told him how I needed to slow my transition down because I needed space away from home to transition. He initially told me that stopping hormones would increase the chances of osteoporosis. Though, I told him that I only intended to reduce the oestrogen dosage to slow my changes down and he said that would be fine. I also asked him if he would ask my doctor to prescribe and he was fine with that
I also asked Dr Curtis about orchiectomies and that as I didn’t want my testosterone to return I could have this procedure. I told him that I also wanted to know whether it would make SRS difficult or impossible. He told me that orchiectomy was only performed upon people who are full time, and that it was possible that it would make SRS more difficult unless I was well endowed. I replied with a smile that I don’t think that is the case! I was pleased to discuss this with him and I’ve decided not to consider it.
There was a rather cute guy working as Dr Curtis’s receptionist. I don’t know why I have a thing for some gay guys as well! One idea is that I know that I can flirt and look which I can’t really do with straight guys.
As I was walked down the stairs I checked my mobile phone and saw that my friend Bianca had sent me a text message saying that she would wait at the entrance to the building. It was a good thing I had checked my mobile because I would have either walked right past her, or she would have startled me because I didn’t expect her to be there.
I had lunch with Bianca, which unfortunately I didn’t eat much of because I wasn’t very hungry. I had eaten a sandwich two hours ago but didn’t expect to not feel hungry. I had a nice lager shandy which made me relaxed though after the long morning. Bianca always points out how stressy I am and I hate that sometimes because it’s so obvious when she says. Though she did tell me that Yoga and meditation is good for stress. Bianca is really femme as well which makes me feel butch, which I constantly tell her off about.
At the start of the week one of my online friends had suggested that I go out to a GLT club in Milton Keynes with her. She said it would a good step towards finding out who I was. I went shopping during the week and spent too many hours searching for something to wear. I think I was more anxious about it because it would be my first time presenting entirely as female. I was also anxious about being what looked like the only guy walking around the ladies fashion shops. Well, I finally got something which I felt was ok.
I had learned that another one of my friends (whom I am out to) was going to be in London on Friday, so I suggested we meet up. It hadn’t really crossed my mind to invite her to the club in Milton Keynes because I felt it would be her type of thing. Then I realised it would cool to invite her along so I did. She accepted when we met up in Victoria and we spent a few hours wandering around the city.
I’m not really a good wanderer with other people because I always get anxious about annoying the other person but just wandering. I was a bit frustrated with myself because I couldn’t think of anything we could have done in London, but I think this was mostly due to being tired.
I love being with this friend and it was amazing to be in her company again. I suggested we hang around London for the night instead of Milton Keynes. We eventually decided to call it a day though in London and head back to Milton Keynes. I suggested we get something to drink from the supermarket and us talk in the hotel room. Though when I got to the hotel and saw people around I started to get excited. I was still a bit reluctant to go because I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea but we eventually decided to go at 10pm.
This was the very first time I have presented and worn female clothes with someone around. My friend was is so cool though and she gave me some tips. It felt like big sister giving little sister advice, which was quite a funny thing to think about.
I wasn’t satisfied with how I looked but my friend assured me I looked fine. We then went the amazing short distance from the hotel to the club and waited to get in. I was asked for identification again. This has been twice this year and so amazing considering I’m 28. Interestingly I’ve been asked to prove my age both times with this girl. First time I was only asked though this time it both of us. Well, I was a bit bemused, frustrated but also flattered about having to prove I was over 18.
I felt nervous when I was in the club but also excited and with a few expectations. It was a pretty strange feeling being surrounded by so many transgender people. I felt safe and comfortable but at the same time pretty daunted. Everyone looked so happy and relaxed, which was really cool. They were all older and taller though which I also found a bit daunting. There were also some rather bold and confident girls. This unfortunately made me feel pretty insecure because I neither felt I looked good or felt completely confident.
Unfortunately, my feelings affected me in a negative way. I was being rather negative about people around as a result of my anxieties and insecurities. I was pretty jealous of everyone around me. I was being a complete and utter bitch. When we left the club and were in the hotel room my friend had picked up on this and told me. I realised then what I had been doing and became pretty upset. I know that this is something I’ve done in the past in different circumstances. I was so grateful for this feedback from my friend. She was so wise and I respect her so much for this.
My friend also expressed how frustrating it was me clinging to her. I also didn’t realise I’d been doing this as well and it was so helpful for it to be pointed out. It was partly to do with feeling really lucky to be with such a cute girl and wanting to show everyone that. Though I think it was also because I was anxious and was making sure my friend was around. This anxiety had partly come from me feeling over self-conscious.
It has been a bit difficult with my friend because my attraction to her is always growing. We have both expressed that we are not ready to commit to relationships. She also is interested in someone else so I should let her follow her heart. I really like her company and think she is an amazing person. I plan to take it easy but I know it will be a little difficult, but after all life isn’t always easy.
It was such a good feeling presenting as female, apart from the anxieties I had. I felt really good about myself and felt somewhat attractive as well. It was also amazing people acting normal with me presenting as female as well. I know that a GLT club isn’t exactly reality but I still liked the feeling.
I don’t know if I really intend to go to any more transgender specific venues in the near future. I am really keen to go to gay and lesbian bars and clubs though. I also think it might be cool to present as female in non-transgender venues as well. Let’s hope I get a bit of an income so I can go out and have some fun though!
Saturday
My friend and I shared the same room at the hotel and it was real nice to share some time with her. The best thing was she didn’t hate me in the morning! Go on, tell me to stop putting myself down, but it was a real plus point. We breakfasted on our BLT sandwiches we had bought the night before and had a nice lie in. My friend was also very affectionate, which was also a plus point. I didn’t tell her I wasn’t really in the mood and was tired but I loved it all the same! Who doesn’t like affection off a real cute girl?
When leaving the hotel the receptionist asked us if there had been any problems with our stay. To my amusement my friend remembered that the bed we had, that was on wheels, didn’t have any brakes on so it kept moving. We had solved the problem by putting toilet paper under the wheels, but it was so funny how my friend said that we found the bed moved a lot! I’m sure I can leave that all up to your imagination!
Journey back home was fine and I dropped my friend off in Coventry without any hiccups. I met her mom and dad who both were really nice and perked up after a good cappuccino (I’d forgotten how much I like these until then).
When I got home I was utterly shattered and zombified. I also got in a rather funny mood which I couldn’t make any sense of. I woke up on Sunday (today) feeling fine so it was just the fact I was tired (a very long weekend after all).