A LONG NEEDED UPDATE... UPDATED AGAIN DAY AFTER AS WELL!
It has been far too long since I last wrote a journal entry. I am finally ready to write one and feel a burning need to write a long detailed one about what has been going on in my life. I never want to stop writing my journal because I feel its important that I continue. Its important because it will help me release all the events, situations and feelings I have felt. There grow inside my head taking a lot of space and it makes life a little more to cope with so much already there.
I had a pretty traumatic time just before Christmas last year. Even though I’ve been able to attribute some of the anxiety, exhaustion and lack of appetite to a stomach upset I had over Christmas. Most of the issues I was having were about me.
It had started when I realised how little I had in common with some male to female transsexual people I have met or talked to online. I knew that these people don’t make up the majority of the female population but something about this made me anxious. I felt that because I was physically male and felt I wanted and needed to express myself as female I was actually more than likely to be more like most male to female transsexual people that other females such as natal females. I felt a pressure to conform to a certain gender model which wasn’t me after talking to some male to female transsexual people. On the other hand this pressure only existed in this situation.
Something else was on my mind as well and this was my own gender feelings. I couldn’t work out why I felt different alone to when I was around other people. There seemed to be a conflict occurring. I wanted only one of the feelings but it didn’t help because both feelings felt very real and true. Neither one of the feelings felt like a lie. I decided to go with the feelings I felt when I was alone because there was no one around that I wanted to express to that I wasn’t male.
And so while playing with these ideas of how I felt alone I began to look at whether I could actually be genderless. This actually made a lot of sense for a number of reasons. I asked myself whether I felt male or female and the answer was somewhat interesting. I just couldn’t really say I felt like either male or female. I actually couldn’t really understand what it was to feel male or female. This was an interesting thought for me and I started to expand on this.
I eventually came to a very strong conclusion that I didn’t feel male, so I was not male. And when I proclaimed to myself that I wasn’t male everything seemed to fall into place and it all made sense. I made a point of not concentrating on the female
part, however, things started to get a bit awkward.
When I began to feel comfortable with my acceptance that I wasn’t a male I didn’t know where to go from there. I also didn’t know whether I was female either and this was when the issues started to occur. I began to try to work out where I belonged in society and how could I live and I couldn’t work it out.
This mental block created a lot of worry and anxiety in me. I began to feel a great loneliness and had lost any sense of belonging to the world. I actually started to begin to despair a lot and felt that if I was no one, no gender, then it wasn’t worth living. I also began to hate everything and everyone. I knew deep down that this wasn’t working for me, and I didn’t feel comfortable in this position so I decided not to ignore it but to expand on instead.
Luckily I was able to speak to a counsellor just before Christmas Eve and this was such a relief. It always seems to follow that when I can talk to someone in person my anxieties and worries seem to lessen. It was also a sense of relief to talk to a woman with which I felt comfortable with.
The New Year came and I felt like a different person with different feelings and thoughts, and this time they were more constructive and rational. One thing I noticed was a change in how uncomfortable I began to feel with things associated with being male. I started to feel like more of an outsider in the company of men. A long time before this I had almost taken on a cautious role and tried to almost pretend I was male. Though this had gone and I could no longer do it because it was crazy thing to do now.
One thing I noticed was that I no longer wanted to even wear male clothes. For some reason it had started to not make sense wearing male clothes. I actually felt like I was crossdressing in male clothes, which I had never felt before. Before this clothes were clothes and I didn’t bother too much. I started to think about things like interviews and new jobs as well and started to get anxious because I didn’t want to ever wear a mans suit ever again.
So, with these feelings I decided that I would only buy female clothes from now on because it made more sense. I felt I could escape the shackles of having to live in male role if I did this. A new concern was the fact that I wasn’t actually living as a woman so I felt I had to be a little careful what clothes I could wear without sticking out in a crowd.
I decided that I would only buy quite androgynous female clothes at the moment until I worked out where I felt comfortable. This whole concept made me realise something. I began to start to play with ideas from this point on. I knew that gender and sex were two different things. I began to believe that my core gender wasn’t in fact female but in fact more androgyne, bordering on genderless, very close to the female identity.
I looked at society as a whole and knew that there were natal females out there that identified as androgyne, bordering on genderless or very close to the female identity. There was no way that if you were female and felt comfortable as female physically you had to identify as female in the extreme way.
An idea I am playing with right now that seems to make more sense is that I should have been born as female XX. This idea just seems to make perfect sense in my head. When I look at my body it feels that this body should have been a female one. It just doesn’t make sense being male or masculine. I believe to some extent that even if I were born female XX I still may have had an androgynous personality in which I have now in this reality as a XY male. Yet I wouldn’t have felt a incoherence with my physical body.
I am going to take every step when I’m ready now. I believe I am transitioning yet I don’t want to make a solid concrete claim at where I’m transitioning to. This is not just a transition from my assigned gender but a transition to express every suppressed aspect of me. It is the most important thing in my life at the moment to break down the suppression and learn how to be free. I don’t know where this is taking me but I believe I should be a happier person when I get further on in this journey. I’m not concluding that I will transition to the female gender or to wherever. As long as its far from male its pleasing me.
I am beginning to feel very happy with the feminisation of my appearance from the female hormones I am taking. Most times when I see myself in the mirror I tend to smile now. It’s also so fulfilling seeing the decline of my masculine features. There are some things which I am a bit worried about but will take them as them come.
I am a bit worried about growing huge breasts, when actually I don’t want huge breasts. They do not fit my identity at the moment, where I should have been a pretty androgynous female in the first place with small yet noticeable breasts. The breast issue is mostly due to not being ready to come out yet. The breast development feels a little like it is trying to rush me to find who I am. I know it’s very slow and very probably not even noticeable to other people but to me I notice these things.
There was one time in my life where I used to believe that if you were a man you had masculine traits, and if you were a woman you had feminine traits. And also a man or a woman could have either masculine or feminine traits. I used to believe that if a person male or female had more what could be deemed feminine traits than that most likely would mean they were more so female inside or female brained. I have given up on this idea now and no longer see it valid in society.
My theory is that there really are no definite masculine or feminine behavioural traits in a human. I believe there are behavioural traits that one performs naturally and unnaturally. I think that there are learned behaviours traditionally associated and encouraged by the binary gender role system, and there are natural behaviours because of someone’s personality and the way the brain is wired up.
I have met many different people in my life, ones I like, hate or even love to be around. The reasons for my like or dislike of people is mainly their personality and behavioural traits. I have seen what could be deemed as feminine traits in men, and masculine traits in women. Yet I believe it most likely that most of these people I’ve met don’t suffer from any gender dysphoria and they are comfortable with their sex, male or female.
So if people who have what could be considered a lot of traits of their opposite sex and still feel comfortable with their sex and gender then it is my opinion that the idea that there is only solid masculine and feminine is defunct. I therefore believe that these traits must only be humanistic traits and personality. I think that because throughout the eons people have observed certain traits (encouraged and ingrained into gender or otherwise natural) in mostly males or females it has created the idea that there is a clear defining masculine or feminine when it really isn’t that easily explained. I believe there is too much overlap between the male and female sexes.
Working with this idea I have looked at my own traits which actually was quite difficult because I believe it’s not easy to look at oneself in this way. I concluded that I personally could not explain who I was from my personality traits. I therefore feel it safe to say that my personality is more or less androgynous/ genderless. I actually refuse to gender myself because of the discrepancy I see in society in this. Some people might say that a have feminine or masculine traits but I refuse to prescribe to that opinion. A set of traits doesn’t seem to make a man or a woman, it makes a human and this is especially relevant to me.
When I am describing my personality as genderless it feels very comfortable way and true. I believe I don’t experience any extreme personality traits, which interestingly I feel more so now since I’ve been taking female hormones. I really think that taking androgen blockers and oestrogen is allowing me to explore who I am as a person very well. I think in a certain way that I was being slowly mentally suffocated by testosterone. I feel I’m becoming who I am slowly but steadily because the emotions and feelings I get from this are positive.
I often wondered whether I was androgynous and I understand more now. Yet it never felt quite right when I played with androgynous ideas before because I was including my appearance and body in the equation. It makes more sense when I remove my physical self from the androgynous equation in my mind. At this point in time I know that I don’t want to reach a truly ambiguous appearance because I’m slowly feeling very good about the feminisation of my appearance instead.
When I look in the mirror and see a more feminine appearance it feels correct to me. It is still quite scary seeing more of a girl looking back at me. I think I have got very used to seeing a boy staring back at me. Though the more I see this girl there the more I feel comfortable. It is quite an exciting time in my life.
I do feel that some of this fear is the result of the fact that I have to confront the rest of the world with this revelation I’m going through. I also think the hormones are pushing me into working harder into finding a strategy for life because of the changes they are creating in my physical appearance.
I don’t know how the rest of the world is going to react to this and it creates worry and fear inside me. I think it has got a lot to do with lack of confidence in expressing who I am inside on the outside. This is one thing I have to learn about and plan to work hard on.
Yet I am not so satisfied with achieving a neither male nor female appearance. This seems to reveal to me that I could well feel more right with a female body. My body and mind need to catch up with each other at the moment and I want them to hold hands very tightly if my life is going to be right.
This is the start of a fantastic journey and I’m so glad I started it. Even though it’s a bit awkward, confusing, surprising one needs to go through these things to be one’s real self. And being my real self is the most important thing to me in my whole life. More important than a career, money, sex, possessions.
I had a pretty traumatic time just before Christmas last year. Even though I’ve been able to attribute some of the anxiety, exhaustion and lack of appetite to a stomach upset I had over Christmas. Most of the issues I was having were about me.
It had started when I realised how little I had in common with some male to female transsexual people I have met or talked to online. I knew that these people don’t make up the majority of the female population but something about this made me anxious. I felt that because I was physically male and felt I wanted and needed to express myself as female I was actually more than likely to be more like most male to female transsexual people that other females such as natal females. I felt a pressure to conform to a certain gender model which wasn’t me after talking to some male to female transsexual people. On the other hand this pressure only existed in this situation.
Something else was on my mind as well and this was my own gender feelings. I couldn’t work out why I felt different alone to when I was around other people. There seemed to be a conflict occurring. I wanted only one of the feelings but it didn’t help because both feelings felt very real and true. Neither one of the feelings felt like a lie. I decided to go with the feelings I felt when I was alone because there was no one around that I wanted to express to that I wasn’t male.
And so while playing with these ideas of how I felt alone I began to look at whether I could actually be genderless. This actually made a lot of sense for a number of reasons. I asked myself whether I felt male or female and the answer was somewhat interesting. I just couldn’t really say I felt like either male or female. I actually couldn’t really understand what it was to feel male or female. This was an interesting thought for me and I started to expand on this.
I eventually came to a very strong conclusion that I didn’t feel male, so I was not male. And when I proclaimed to myself that I wasn’t male everything seemed to fall into place and it all made sense. I made a point of not concentrating on the female
part, however, things started to get a bit awkward.
When I began to feel comfortable with my acceptance that I wasn’t a male I didn’t know where to go from there. I also didn’t know whether I was female either and this was when the issues started to occur. I began to try to work out where I belonged in society and how could I live and I couldn’t work it out.
This mental block created a lot of worry and anxiety in me. I began to feel a great loneliness and had lost any sense of belonging to the world. I actually started to begin to despair a lot and felt that if I was no one, no gender, then it wasn’t worth living. I also began to hate everything and everyone. I knew deep down that this wasn’t working for me, and I didn’t feel comfortable in this position so I decided not to ignore it but to expand on instead.
Luckily I was able to speak to a counsellor just before Christmas Eve and this was such a relief. It always seems to follow that when I can talk to someone in person my anxieties and worries seem to lessen. It was also a sense of relief to talk to a woman with which I felt comfortable with.
The New Year came and I felt like a different person with different feelings and thoughts, and this time they were more constructive and rational. One thing I noticed was a change in how uncomfortable I began to feel with things associated with being male. I started to feel like more of an outsider in the company of men. A long time before this I had almost taken on a cautious role and tried to almost pretend I was male. Though this had gone and I could no longer do it because it was crazy thing to do now.
One thing I noticed was that I no longer wanted to even wear male clothes. For some reason it had started to not make sense wearing male clothes. I actually felt like I was crossdressing in male clothes, which I had never felt before. Before this clothes were clothes and I didn’t bother too much. I started to think about things like interviews and new jobs as well and started to get anxious because I didn’t want to ever wear a mans suit ever again.
So, with these feelings I decided that I would only buy female clothes from now on because it made more sense. I felt I could escape the shackles of having to live in male role if I did this. A new concern was the fact that I wasn’t actually living as a woman so I felt I had to be a little careful what clothes I could wear without sticking out in a crowd.
I decided that I would only buy quite androgynous female clothes at the moment until I worked out where I felt comfortable. This whole concept made me realise something. I began to start to play with ideas from this point on. I knew that gender and sex were two different things. I began to believe that my core gender wasn’t in fact female but in fact more androgyne, bordering on genderless, very close to the female identity.
I looked at society as a whole and knew that there were natal females out there that identified as androgyne, bordering on genderless or very close to the female identity. There was no way that if you were female and felt comfortable as female physically you had to identify as female in the extreme way.
An idea I am playing with right now that seems to make more sense is that I should have been born as female XX. This idea just seems to make perfect sense in my head. When I look at my body it feels that this body should have been a female one. It just doesn’t make sense being male or masculine. I believe to some extent that even if I were born female XX I still may have had an androgynous personality in which I have now in this reality as a XY male. Yet I wouldn’t have felt a incoherence with my physical body.
I am going to take every step when I’m ready now. I believe I am transitioning yet I don’t want to make a solid concrete claim at where I’m transitioning to. This is not just a transition from my assigned gender but a transition to express every suppressed aspect of me. It is the most important thing in my life at the moment to break down the suppression and learn how to be free. I don’t know where this is taking me but I believe I should be a happier person when I get further on in this journey. I’m not concluding that I will transition to the female gender or to wherever. As long as its far from male its pleasing me.
I am beginning to feel very happy with the feminisation of my appearance from the female hormones I am taking. Most times when I see myself in the mirror I tend to smile now. It’s also so fulfilling seeing the decline of my masculine features. There are some things which I am a bit worried about but will take them as them come.
I am a bit worried about growing huge breasts, when actually I don’t want huge breasts. They do not fit my identity at the moment, where I should have been a pretty androgynous female in the first place with small yet noticeable breasts. The breast issue is mostly due to not being ready to come out yet. The breast development feels a little like it is trying to rush me to find who I am. I know it’s very slow and very probably not even noticeable to other people but to me I notice these things.
There was one time in my life where I used to believe that if you were a man you had masculine traits, and if you were a woman you had feminine traits. And also a man or a woman could have either masculine or feminine traits. I used to believe that if a person male or female had more what could be deemed feminine traits than that most likely would mean they were more so female inside or female brained. I have given up on this idea now and no longer see it valid in society.
My theory is that there really are no definite masculine or feminine behavioural traits in a human. I believe there are behavioural traits that one performs naturally and unnaturally. I think that there are learned behaviours traditionally associated and encouraged by the binary gender role system, and there are natural behaviours because of someone’s personality and the way the brain is wired up.
I have met many different people in my life, ones I like, hate or even love to be around. The reasons for my like or dislike of people is mainly their personality and behavioural traits. I have seen what could be deemed as feminine traits in men, and masculine traits in women. Yet I believe it most likely that most of these people I’ve met don’t suffer from any gender dysphoria and they are comfortable with their sex, male or female.
So if people who have what could be considered a lot of traits of their opposite sex and still feel comfortable with their sex and gender then it is my opinion that the idea that there is only solid masculine and feminine is defunct. I therefore believe that these traits must only be humanistic traits and personality. I think that because throughout the eons people have observed certain traits (encouraged and ingrained into gender or otherwise natural) in mostly males or females it has created the idea that there is a clear defining masculine or feminine when it really isn’t that easily explained. I believe there is too much overlap between the male and female sexes.
Working with this idea I have looked at my own traits which actually was quite difficult because I believe it’s not easy to look at oneself in this way. I concluded that I personally could not explain who I was from my personality traits. I therefore feel it safe to say that my personality is more or less androgynous/ genderless. I actually refuse to gender myself because of the discrepancy I see in society in this. Some people might say that a have feminine or masculine traits but I refuse to prescribe to that opinion. A set of traits doesn’t seem to make a man or a woman, it makes a human and this is especially relevant to me.
When I am describing my personality as genderless it feels very comfortable way and true. I believe I don’t experience any extreme personality traits, which interestingly I feel more so now since I’ve been taking female hormones. I really think that taking androgen blockers and oestrogen is allowing me to explore who I am as a person very well. I think in a certain way that I was being slowly mentally suffocated by testosterone. I feel I’m becoming who I am slowly but steadily because the emotions and feelings I get from this are positive.
I often wondered whether I was androgynous and I understand more now. Yet it never felt quite right when I played with androgynous ideas before because I was including my appearance and body in the equation. It makes more sense when I remove my physical self from the androgynous equation in my mind. At this point in time I know that I don’t want to reach a truly ambiguous appearance because I’m slowly feeling very good about the feminisation of my appearance instead.
When I look in the mirror and see a more feminine appearance it feels correct to me. It is still quite scary seeing more of a girl looking back at me. I think I have got very used to seeing a boy staring back at me. Though the more I see this girl there the more I feel comfortable. It is quite an exciting time in my life.
I do feel that some of this fear is the result of the fact that I have to confront the rest of the world with this revelation I’m going through. I also think the hormones are pushing me into working harder into finding a strategy for life because of the changes they are creating in my physical appearance.
I don’t know how the rest of the world is going to react to this and it creates worry and fear inside me. I think it has got a lot to do with lack of confidence in expressing who I am inside on the outside. This is one thing I have to learn about and plan to work hard on.
Yet I am not so satisfied with achieving a neither male nor female appearance. This seems to reveal to me that I could well feel more right with a female body. My body and mind need to catch up with each other at the moment and I want them to hold hands very tightly if my life is going to be right.
This is the start of a fantastic journey and I’m so glad I started it. Even though it’s a bit awkward, confusing, surprising one needs to go through these things to be one’s real self. And being my real self is the most important thing to me in my whole life. More important than a career, money, sex, possessions.