Two Worries I've Been Carrying...
Two things I know that are worrying me lately....
First worry is that I'm kind of concerned that my counsellor has gone on holiday and I won't get to see her until 5th October. This seems like a very long time in the future. I'm also concerned that I'm feeling the need for my counsellor. I don't want to become dependant on her. Maybe it’s giving me the opportunity to be myself and I'm scared I will be trapped again without someone to talk to. Maybe it will encourage me to become more open to the rest of the world and not just a couple of people.
Second worry is that I've ordered HRT from an online pharmacy again. Even though this felt like the most logical and natural thing for me to do I'm still concerned. I think I'm scared of my own self. I'm also a little worried I'm not doing the right thing. It's a strange feeling something with your heart and being concerned about what your heart says.
When I just let go and follow my heart I believe I know who I am and what I really want in life. Part of me is incredibly excited and relieved about commencing HRT again, and it feels like a step in the right direction, though another part is worried. I think it feels like a little bit of a step into the unknown. Although, I have a feeling that I tend to start to look for reasons why I'm worried and create concerns in my head as I go along. I lose track of what feels like the only real worry of a new start.
I do have what seems like one major worry though and that is the outset of infertility. I can't seem to understand this worry because I don't feel like I want to become a "father" and have a child as a father. Yet I'm scared that I'm making a wrong decision here and underneath I am really a man who wants to be a father (even though this doesn't feel like the right thing). Infertility is also kind of scary because I feel I'm deliberately preventing myself from passing on my heritage and myself. I would like to have a part of myself passed on to a child. Maybe I can still pass on some of myself to an adopted child. I can still love them and teach them to be a loving and caring person.
I am not sure whether to wait for that referral that I was told I will have now or save to see someone private and speed up things. Maybe I don't need to speed things up. Trouble is someone close to me has shown me what life could be like and I am becoming less scared of life now. It is feeling more and more that this is what I feel is best for me in life and makes perfect sense. I want to know whether I really am a woman...