Drinks With Old School Friends, Pregnancy, Frustration, People Watching & Internet HRT
Today was an interesting day and I felt I wanted to write about it. Woke up far too early probably because my body clock was still in early mode from my previous shift pattern at work. Felt really quite groggy though when I finally got up but couldn't think of anything to make myself feel better.
Probably my own fault because I'd gone out for drinks with two of my old school friends on Friday night. Was a good evening though and drank very little probably because it was going straight to my head. At the pub it was the usual talk though I always try steering the conversation in my direction. We had quite a debate about the bar maid who my friends felt was very fancy but to me was just a young girl with black hair. I was quite happy though because I admitted I wasn't attracted to her one bit. My friend's wife joined us for a drink at the start of the night. I have always been pretty uncomfortable being around her because I don't like her as a person. I guess I could sense that she wasn't a nice person and I found out eventually that she had been gossiping about me once. Well, I felt even more uncomfortable this time because she is heavily pregnant. I felt very jealous, and envied her and I didn't like feeling this way about her. I didn't like the fact that she had something that I longed for deep down. Her pregnancy was also somehow emphasising something I lacked, wanted and feel I need. I wanted to be able to carry a baby like she could.
Came home quite late at night and decided to say hello to the cat in my mom's room. My mom decided to bring up the topic of my counselling up in what seemed a little out of the blue. Unfortunately, I was not in the best state of mind and couldn't articulate well enough how I felt about everything. It had been brought up at the wrong time. My mom had also stressed me out a little because she had asked me how it was going and how they do the counselling. She asked me whether I felt it was working to make things go away. That was not the words I wanted to hear and it kind of stressed me so I said I was tired and went to bed. I was kind of frustrated at what my mom was saying. The way I see my life I don't want to get rid of my feelings, I want to work out how to work with them.
In the morning luckily my mom decided she didn't mind going somewhere on the train, and so we decided to go to Manchester. I love going on city trips and my mom is often reluctant to go because of work she has to do at home for her job. I was very groggy in the morning and a bit too irritable and moody for my liking. I tried to hide it though I did snap at my mom once or twice on the train. I think the tiredness and my thoughts were just a bit too much. I was probably thinking far too much.
I can only describe how I felt in the train as odd because I guess it's unusual to the rest of the world. I kept wondering why I didn't feel like a man and felt more like I was a woman. I'm not sure whether most people feel like they are a man when they are male to be honest. I think maybe my feelings were probably due to my constant people watching. I was watching two guys talking to each other and wondering why I felt so different to them. I wondered also why I couldn't feel any association with them. I also was watching a girl sitting with them and wondering why I felt just like her as well. I was trying to work out why I felt like this. I couldn't seem to think of any reasons other than just a sensation or a feeling. I did wonder whether I felt more connection with the girl because of my growing attraction to men. I seem to have trouble thinking of girls in a sexual way and increasingly feel nothing other than association or friendship.
When we arrived in Manchester and stepped into the city I was starting to feel much better. I have noticed that I constantly people watch and seem to be very interested in other people. I seem to observe how many different types of women are around and try to see how I could fit in to the world as a woman. I fear whether I could just blend into the world as a woman physically like any other woman does. I seem to have no worry about behaviour for I believe that because I feel I am female than therefore I am. I do feel though that it will be difficult to relax and shake off years of this male disguise. For underneath I feel as female as any woman.
I was really happy when we visited China town in Manchester. We ate at the Chinese buffet and visited a Chinese store. The highlight was I bought a Doraemon solar panel toy. He rocks his head and his body automatically. I was even more happy when I showed my mom and she said it was really cute. This was cool because it was almost like my mom didn't mind me buying "cute" things which I guess most people think are for girls (who were born girls).
Then here I am now back in Burton on Trent lying in bed bringing my journal entry to a close. There was one little thing I wanted to add though before I finished. I finally gave in to myself and have bought HRT again on the internet. I really do see transition as a reality for myself or even a possibility. It just seems to make so much sense. I guess I have overcome some of the fears I have about life and transition. Maybe I make a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe it is a mountain and I'm justified in worrying and being scared. Well, it's something that has played on my mind for more than 20 odd years now! I know I need to do something about it. I have to do something about it. I now realise that one of my fears of transition is related to my own family’s reaction. This is something I will have to think more about.