From Eroica With Love
Margaret's The Eroica cast’s MISTie comments in BOLD
The word count on the original story is 1,759. With the MSTie comments, it is now 3,612.
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Comedy parody of Labyrinth (David Bowie/Hensen-Lucas film) Eroica Yori Ai wo Komette/Ibu no Musukotachi by Yasuko Aoike.
Dorian: Comedy parody?
Klaus: It’s a lie. This crap isn’t the least bit funny.
Dorian: How would you know? You need a sense of humor first.
Gackt parts inspired by his “To Feel the Fire” performance.
Klaus: Whatever.
Dorian: I think we should stop now.
PG-13….maybe I’ll make it R rated if anyone actually reads this-.-
Klaus: If there were ever a good reason not to read this, that’s it.
*Note* Everything that happens at NATO will be rather dull. Also, this story would make more sense if you’ve actually seen Labyrinth.
Klaus: Otherwise, you’re screwed.
Dorian: True enough. *flutters eyelashes*
Klaus: Not THAT kind of screwed!
GIMME MY FREAKIN’ COFFEE!
By Allaiyah Weyn
Dorian: Looks like a story about you, Major.
Klaus: I’m underwhelmed.
OPENING THEME!
Dorian: Is that exclamation point really necessary?
Klaus: Is this fic really necessary?
Dorian: Point to you, Major.
Klaus: Thank you.
(Horrible Engrish version of Underground, as sung by sexy Gackt)
Klaus: And if you have no idea who the fuck that is?
“It’s onry foebaa, not rong at all, rost & ronery…..No one can brame you, for waakin away, but too much lejection, no rab injection, no…..Rife can be easy, it’s not onry swerr, don’t terr me tluth haats rittle gaar, cuz it haats rike herr…..But down in da undaagraun, yorr find someone tlue, down in da undaagraun, a rand seleeeeen, a clistal muuuun Ahhhhhhaaaaaa!”
Dorian: *cough*
Klaus: *blinks*
Major Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach has never been the most pleasant person,
Dorian: That’s true enough.
Klaus: Shut up!
not the most patient.
Dorian: I rest my case.
Klaus: Growl
He lit up his 1st cigarette of the morning
Klaus: What does this author have against typing out “first”?
Dorian: Lack of intelligence?
Klaus: Point to you.
Dorian: Oooo, goodie!
&
Klaus: Christ, it’s the Ampersand Author, again!
banged his head against the window of the car as they were stuck in a fifty-two car pile-up in traffic,
Dorian: Where? On the L.A. freeway?
Klaus: Certainly not the Autobahn.
making his chauffeur nervous.
Agent A: Major, when did you get a chauffeur?
Klaus: Don’t ask me, ask my Out Of Character counterpart.
He expecting better of the day as he walked into NATO headquarters
Klaus: I thought I was stuck in traffic!
Dorian: Did you transport in?
on a sunny day in Bon, Germany,
Klaus: Bon? *headdeask* That’s Bonn! B-O-N-N!
Dorian: At least they got the country right.
Klaus: Don’t be too sure. Is this before or after the Unification?
Dorian: Point to you.
but he expected too much. It was out of the question for him to expect to walk into a clean orderly office,
Klaus: What!
Alphabet: *starts packing for Alaska*
as the paperwork had been piling up since the 80s.
Dorian: It seems you’re not the only one out of character, Major.
Agent Z was fast asleep
Agent Z: Never! I have my own series, y’know!
Klaus: Not recently.
Dorian: Poor Z.
Klaus: Stay away from my agents, you pervert!
in his self-made cubicle of whatever it was he was supposed to be signing for the past few decades,
Agent Z: I know the higher-ups are idiots, but, really!
Agent A: I seriously doubt they’d allow us to get away with that!
Klaus: I wouldn’t allow you to get away with that!
drooling on glossy photos of people on Klaus’ bitch-slap list.
Klaus: On my what!
Dorian: Oh dear, this is dreadful.
Klaus: It’s a fucking piece of shit!
“Isn’t that cute?” Klaus sneered
Dorian: Gah!
Klaus: Seconded!
Dorian: You’ve been replaced by a pod person, Major!
Klaus: Where’s my gun?
as he puffed his second cigarette.
Klaus: Well, what do you know, they spelled out second.
Dorian: A small victory.
Klaus: I’ll take what I can get.
He pulled a whistle from his pocket & blew hard.
Dorian: Sigh. Oh, to be that whistle…
Klaus: Gah!
Dorian: Snicker.
Z’s eyes went wide, his body shot up, & it was raining tax reforms.
Agent Z: Tax forms? Have I changed jobs?
James: You’re a tax agent. WAH!
Klaus: Don’t start, tightwad.
“Zetto-kun….”
Klaus: *sputters and flails*
Agent Z: *stares*
Dorian: *speechless*
James: Hey! I’m James-kun!
Klaus said as he replaced his cigarette.
Klaus: I’d like to shove a cigarette in a dark place on this author!
Dorian: Oh, Major, I love it when you talk dirty.
Klaus: *glares*
“Get us both some coffee. Okay?”
Dorian: What the hell?
Agent Z: The Major…polite?!
Klaus: It’s a pod person.
Dorian and Z: OOOOOoooohh!
Z waded through his desk & practically swam through the snowy white paper landfill.
Klaus: *pulls out lighter and sets papers alight*
Dorian: *sings* Burn, baby, burnin’!
Klaus: Shut up, idiot!
Dorian: *changes song* Come on, baby, light my fire!
Klaus: *grabs fire extinguisher*
Z absolutely adored the Major, & even though he preferred women, he had a funny kind of feeling whenever he was near.
Klaus: GAH!
Agent Z: GAH!
Agent G: Grrrrrrr
Dorian: Waaaah!
Agent A was loitering by the café bar.
Agent A: I do not loiter!
Klaus: What the hell are you doing at a bar?
Agent A: Well, the office was on fire…
“We’re out of Nescafé,” he said flatly.
Klaus: Report to Alaska!
Agent G chuckled. “The major won’t drink anything else…..seriously, does he even drink water? & all he ever eats is french-fries…..
Klaus: *glares at G*
Agent G: I did not say that, sir.
Dorian: This is the pod person version of Eroica.
Klaus: Point to you.
Z looked at his fingers in disappointment.
Dorian: Were you checking your manicure?
Agent Z: You’re asking me?
“Oh…the major’s already in a bad enough mood this morning….”
Dorian: The Major’s always in a bad mood! It’s his default setting.
Agent A: Point to you.
Klaus: *glares* Aren’t you supposed to be packing for Alaska?
Agent A: Eep!
G tapped him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll soften the blow for you.” He hiked his skirt up on the way there.
Klaus: G! Dress in a proper manner or it’s Alaska for you, too!
Dorian: They’re pod people, Major.
Klaus: Bloody pervert pod people.
Dorian: Sigh.
Hours latter,
Dorian: Latter? Where’s the former?
Klaus: Don’t ask, they may tell us.
Dorian: Point to you.
Klaus sat thirsty in a fairy circle of cigarette ashes, glad the day was over.
Klaus: Fairy circle?
Dorian: Snicker.
Klaus: Must mean your lot.
Dorian: Growl.
G had practically launched himself at the major before the chief came in & chased him out, plus there was that nasty phone call from Misha the Bearcub. & even after approving, signing, & stamping seven-hundred some-odd papers, the room remained filled & he felt like he’d achieved nothing.
Klaus: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Dorian: I dare say that’s supposed to be a summary of your day.
Mischa: I do not make nasty phone calls!
Klaus: No comment.
Mischa: Capitalist swine.
Lighting his third cigarette,
Klaus: The third of the day?
Dorian: Must mean the third of a new pack.
Agent G: There was that fairy circle.
Klaus: Left by fairies!
Agent A: Must be ashes from the fire.
he stormed out of NATO HQ & walked three blocks o the nearest convenience store,
Klaus: Convenience store?
Dorian: Well, you were on the L.A. Freeway at the start.
standing in line cradling a thirty pound bottle of instant Nescafé like a newborn.
Dorian: Yes, I was right. You’re in the States.
Klaus: Agreed. Otherwise it would be in kilos.
Dorian: I don’t recall large jars of anything at convenience stores.
Klaus: *shrugs*
When he got home, he poured himself a heaping cup & sat alone in his kitchen.
Klaus: What the fuck?
Dorian: You have a chauffer but no servants at the Schloss?
James: It’s a pod universe!
“Why do I have to be the one to babysit everybody else? It’s the same thing day after day. Why did I take this desk job? I need outdoor action.”
Dorian: Introspection, Major?
Klaus: Desk job? Iron Klaus?
Chief: You have my job?
Klaus: Who the fuck knows?
The glass door suddenly flashed a blinding white light.
Klaus: What glass door? I’m supposed to be in the kitchen.
Dorian: Must be that teleporter again.
The doors burst open & a yellow pear-shaped bunny-eared bat flew in & flapped aimlessly around the kitchen until it exploded in a cloud of brilliant pink, in which the form of a man appeared.
Dorian: Dear Lord, that's too much, even for me.
Klaus: A fairy bunny bat?
The blonde waved his hand & coughed indignantly. “My name is Dorian Red Gloria; king of the Mountain Elves,
Dorian: *sputters and flails*
Klaus: Snicker.
Dorian: Not another bloody Fae fic!
Klaus: Well, there was that fairy circle.
Dorian: Shut up!
& I’ve come to steal you…I mean your coffee.” He said as he confiscated the plastic jar.
Klaus: This is one of the dumbest things I have ever read.
Dorian: In this fic.
Klaus: Point to you.
Klaus yanked Dorian’s curly golden hair.
Klaus: But it seems to have its good points.
Dorian: Major!
“And what makes you think I’m going to LET you steal my Nescafé?”
Dorian: A poorly thought out plot?
Klaus: There’s a plot?
Dorian: Point to you.
Dorian beamed. “Because win or loose,
Dorian: Loose? *groan*
if you come with me, win or loose you could win a fabulous prize!”
Klaus: Your head on a platter?
Klaus thought for a moment. “Like what?”
Klaus: I had to think before asking that!
Dorian: *eye roll*
Dorian shrugged, “I dunno, whatever you want.”
Klaus: I want your head on a platter!
Klaus raised his brow. “Like a Leopard tank?”
Klaus: Nein!
Dorian: They’re not listening, Major.
Klaus: God fucking dammit!
Dorian shrugged again. “I guess so.”
Dorian: Not a well thought out plan on my part.
Klaus: Like it matters at this point.
Dorian: Point to you.
Klaus stared at his hostage coffee. “And what do I win if I loose?”
Klaus: How about a dictionary?
“ME!” Dorian said gleefully, burying his face in Klaus’ chest.
Klaus: What a predictable response.
Dorian: Indeed.
Klaus: You’re suspiciously calm.
Dorian: I’m scheming.
Klaus: At least you’re still in character-in this dialogue, anyway.
“But I don’t like men that way.” Klaus barked.
Dorian: Does that mean you like them another way?
Klaus: Pervert!
“But you don’t like women that way either.” Dorian said knowingly. “It would be a shame to waste all that beauty on no-one but yourself.”
Klaus: Gah!
Dorian: Major, I had no idea…
Klaus: Get out of my nightstand!
“I can just as easily get a new thing of coffee.” Klaus snorted.
Klaus: New thing?
Dorian: I should think you have the stuff stockpiled.
Butler: Oh, he does, sir.
Klaus: Don’t say unnecessary things!
“Ahhh, but I didn’t just take yours.” Dorian grinned. “I have taken all the Nescafé in the world,
James: Milord, I’m so proud of you. At the current price of coffee…
Klaus: Shut up!
& if you ever want a decent cup of coffee again, you’ll have to reach the end of the labyrinth.”
Klaus: Conrad, go get me a large ball of twine.
Dorian: Major! You know your ancient mythology.
Klaus: Idiot.
He handed Klaus a white rose. “Don’t eat it.”
Dorian: *drums fingers on desk*
Klaus’ eye twitched. “What labyrinth?”
Klaus: How close are we to the end of this crapfic?
Dorian: No idea.
Bonham: Can we cheat and just jump to the end bit?
Dorian: If only…
Dorian snapped his fingers & Klaus suddenly found he wasn’t in Kans….I mean Bon anymore.
Klaus: I was never in Bon!
Dorian: I was right about the transporter!
James: How can we market that? *dashes off*
Dorian gave him a wicked look. “You have no choice now. You have thirteen hours to solve the labyrinth, or you’re mine forever.”
Klaus: I don’t recall ever agreeing to this.
Dorian: You never agree to anything I suggest.
Klaus: Point to you.
Klaus lunged at him, but went right through him. Dorian laughed & vanished in a wind of rose petals.
Dorian: I didn’t think this was a fairy tale.
Klaus: *opens mouth*
Dorian: Don’t say it!
Klaus turned to the labyrinth & sniffed indignantly. “It doesn’t look so hard….”
Klaus: *drums fingers on desk*
He walked about a mile to the gates where he saw a cute short man in a patchy green suit counting money.
Klaus: Gah! Nein!
Dorian: No, it can’t be…
James: Did somebody say counting money?
Klaus lit his 4th cigarette & barked at the stranger.
Klaus: They were doing so well typing out the count.
Dorian: Why are we supposed to care how many cigarettes you’ve smoked?
Klaus: *Shrugs*
Agent Z: Perhaps it’s a hidden message.
Klaus: That would presume the author has a brain.
Dorian: Point to you.
“You there! Open the damn gates! My morning sanity is a stake here.”
Dorian: You’re morning sanity?
Klaus: You expect this to make sense at this point?
Dorian: Point to you.
The man clutched his money bag. “I don’t do nothin’ for free!”
James: I do not talk like that!
Dorian: It’s a pod person, James.
Klaus: I think he always was a pod person.
Klaus sighed & pulled out his wallet. “Do you accept deutsche marks?”
Klaus: As if he’d say no.
James looked greedily at the wallet. “If it’s legitimate, I’ll take it!”
James: And even if it’s not. I can sell anything.
Klaus: That, I believe.
Klaus forked over a few marks & James pushed a secret button on the gate to open it.
Bonham: Everybody’s got bloody security gates these days.
Klaus: Are you sure this isn’t just the front of Castle Gloria?
Dorian: *looks innocent*
“So…are you going left or right?”
Klaus: You tell me. What’s the key?
Dorian: Major! That’s cheating.
Klaus: Your point?
Klaus looked both ways. “Why? Which way would YOU go?”
James: The right answer will cost you.
Klaus: Figures.
James shrugged. “I wouldn’t go EITHER way. Even if you DO reach the castle, you’ll never get out again.”
Klaus: I was right, it is the entrance to Castle Gloria.
Klaus glared at him. “Some help YOU are.”
James: *beams*
James pulled a quarter out of his pocket & flipped it, slapping it down as it landed on his hand & looking at it. “Go left.”
Dorian: James, when did you start carrying Yank money?
James: I found it under a couch in a hotel.
Dorian: Ah.
Klaus looked behind him; the door was gone.
Dorian: What door? I teleported him in!
Klaus: Like it matters.
Both ways seem to go on for miles & miles. Klaus jogged ahead, skipping over slimy tree roots that grew from nowhere.
Dorian: I would love to see this!
Klaus: Iron Klaus does not skip!
Dorian: How about prance?
Klaus: How about a concussion?
“What the hell kind of labyrinth is this? There aren’t any turns or nothin’!”
Klaus: When did I start talking like Bonham?
Dorian: Your English is deteriorating inside the enchanted Labyrinth, it seems.
He tripped over a root & braced himself to land face first into a wall, but no impact happened. He stood up & moved his hand about the wall. “It’s some kind of optical illusion…” He walked right through it & suddenly everything looked right, but which way to go…?
Dorian: Sounds like one of those rides at Disneyland.
Klaus: The Haunted Mansion. Castle Gloria.
Dorian: Exact-HEY!
Klaus’ cigarette box fell out of his pocket.
Dorian: You’re carrying the cigarette case I sent for you birthday?
Klaus: Nein.
Bonham: You never sent it, milord. So James sold it on eBay.
Suddenly a small demon popped out from under a stone tile, took it, & disappeared. He was about to rip the stone out of its place with his bare hands when another demon popped out of another stone.
Klaus: You need to keep better control of you men, Eroica.
Dorian: Wha…? Those aren’t my men!
Klaus: They steal, don’t they?
Soon, there were at least five popping up & down, giving him raspberries.
Dorian: At least you’ll have no shortage of food, Major.
Klaus: Fruit from fruits.
Irked, Klaus found a random tree that appeared from nowhere & ripped a branch off of it.
Klaus: Everything in the fucking thing is random.
Dorian: And tedious.
Klaus: Point to you.
“Gimme back my smokes you bleeding bastards!” Klaus swung the branch around like a mallet in Wack-the-Weasel.
Dorian: Whack…the…Weasel?
Klaus: A ridiculous game played by ignorant adolescents in video game parlors.
Dorian: Oh! No wonder the author is familiar with it.
Klaus: Point to you.
From a distance,
Dorian: *opens mouth*
Klaus: You start singing and I shoot you.
Dorian was watching the charade from a window in his castle.
Klaus: *opens mouth*
Dorian: Don’t say it!
All kinds of pretty boy demons were running about the place all willy-nilly. Dorian stood & 80’s style rock music began to fill he air. Caesar pulled on Dorian’s red cloak. “You’re not going to sing, are you?”
Fan!Girls: Something Zeppelin!
Dorian: Gah! Women!
“Gawd no.” Dorian replied. “And Von Rose is busy elsewhere.” He pointed to a pretty long haired demon in purple.
Klaus: Von Rose?
Dorian: No clue.
Dorian: “You remind me this guy.”
Tyrian: “What guy?”
Dorian: “This guy with a power.”
Tyrian: “What power?”
Dorian: “A power like voodoo.”
Tyrian: “Who do?”
Dorian: “You do.”
Tyrian: “Do what?”
Dorian: Remind me of this guy.”
Klaus: *blinks*
Dorian: I saw that bit in an old Cary Grant film.
Klaus: And...?
Dorian: It wasn’t funny then, either.
Caesar groaned & shook his head.
Klaus: Bugger, the wimp has some sense after all.
Back down in the labyrinth, Klaus had successfully maimed the demon buggers & retrieved his pack ‘o’ lung cloggers.
Klaus: Lung clogger?
Dorian: Spare me.
Klaus: What’s next? The fucking Surgeon General’s warning?
“Chain smoking freak.” Said a mysterious voice.
Klaus: I’ve had four cigarettes all day!
Dorian: Yes, the author was kind enough to keep count.
Klaus turned around & saw that the labyrinth behind him had changed.
Agent Z: Now there’s a shock.
Before him stood two royal-poker-card like doors with 4 men’s heads. “All the blood is rushing to my head.” Said Caesar, who was hanging upside down.
Agent Z: I didn’t understand a word of that.
Klaus: Get back to the office and clear out all the paper!
Agent Z: Yes, sir!
Justin looked down at him. “How’d you get down here so freakin fast?”
Dorian: He used the teleporter!
Klaus: Shut up!
Caesar gave an indignant look. “I jumped out the window & landed on a pervert.”
Klaus: That narrows it down to everyone.
“He’s heavier than he looks.” Said Virgil from atop the other door.
Dorian: We seem to be descending into chat format.
Klaus: Author must’ve had another stroke.
Dorian: Stroke?
Klaus: Kills brain cells.
Dorian: That assumes the author actually had some to begin with.
Klaus: Point to you.
“Why do I hafta be on bottom?” Heath whined. “My hair is dragging on the floor.”
Dorian: *opens mouth*
Klaus: Say it and you die.
Klaus cleared his throat to get attention. “and just what in hell are you supposed to be?”
Margaret: A House of Cards!
Klaus: Hey, get out of this MSTie!
Dorian: Nice pimping, dear.
Margaret: Thanks.
Virgil: “Hey handsome.”
Justin: “We’re just a couple of doors.”
Margaret: Which one of you is Jim Morrison?
Klaus: Out!
Heath: “One of us will take you to the castle.”
Caesar: “And the other will drop you straight into the dungeon.”
Klaus: There’s a difference?
Dorian: Major!
Klaus: “Which is which?
Dorian: Eenie, Meanie, Minnie…
Virgil: “Ask them.”
Heath: “We can’t tell you.”
Justin: “Only one of us knows.
Caesar: “And you can only ask one of us.”
Virgil: “Cuz those are the rules.
Klaus: Very stupid rules.
Dorian: In a very stupid fic.
Heath: “and while one of us always tells the truth….”
Justin: “The other always lies.”
Caesar: “He always lies.”
Virgil: “I do not! I always tell the truth!”
Heath: “What a lie!”
Justin: “Are you sure?”
Klaus: That’s it. Where’s my gun?
Dorian: I’ll help you look.
Klaus smacked his face in annoyance. He looked down at Caesar & pointed to
Klaus: To what?
Dorian: *purrs*
Klaus: Pervert!
Virgil. “Just answer yes or no. Would HE tell me that THIS door leads to the castle?”
Caesar wobbled his head as he thought. “Uuuuhhhh….yes?”
Virgil: “Yes.”
Klaus folded his arms. “Then the OTHER door leads to the castle & THIS one leads to the dungeon.”
Dorian: I think you should’ve asked, ‘If a train leave London going 100 kilometers an hour…’
Klaus: *face palm*
Virgil: But how do you know he’s not telling the truth?”
Dorian: Because he’s Iron Klaus.
Klaus: And they’re all fucking liars.
Dorian: Well, there’s that too.
Klaus smiled knowingly. “Cuz then YOU’D be lying, so if he said yes, the answer must be no. and if HE was lying, then the answer would still be no.”
Dorian: Come again?
Heath: “Are you sure?”
Justin: “I think I just had a brain-fart.”
Dorian: Oh, how rude.
Klaus grabbed the knob of the other door. “I’m sure I’m right.” He opened it & walked through.
*
What will happen?!?!?!
Klaus: I escape the fic entirely!
Dorian: Oh, clever old you!
Klaus: Thank-you.
Final score: Dorian - 8, Klaus - 6, Ampersand - 41
The word count on the original story is 1,759. With the MSTie comments, it is now 3,612.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Comedy parody of Labyrinth (David Bowie/Hensen-Lucas film) Eroica Yori Ai wo Komette/Ibu no Musukotachi by Yasuko Aoike.
Dorian: Comedy parody?
Klaus: It’s a lie. This crap isn’t the least bit funny.
Dorian: How would you know? You need a sense of humor first.
Gackt parts inspired by his “To Feel the Fire” performance.
Klaus: Whatever.
Dorian: I think we should stop now.
PG-13….maybe I’ll make it R rated if anyone actually reads this-.-
Klaus: If there were ever a good reason not to read this, that’s it.
*Note* Everything that happens at NATO will be rather dull. Also, this story would make more sense if you’ve actually seen Labyrinth.
Klaus: Otherwise, you’re screwed.
Dorian: True enough. *flutters eyelashes*
Klaus: Not THAT kind of screwed!
GIMME MY FREAKIN’ COFFEE!
By Allaiyah Weyn
Dorian: Looks like a story about you, Major.
Klaus: I’m underwhelmed.
OPENING THEME!
Dorian: Is that exclamation point really necessary?
Klaus: Is this fic really necessary?
Dorian: Point to you, Major.
Klaus: Thank you.
(Horrible Engrish version of Underground, as sung by sexy Gackt)
Klaus: And if you have no idea who the fuck that is?
“It’s onry foebaa, not rong at all, rost & ronery…..No one can brame you, for waakin away, but too much lejection, no rab injection, no…..Rife can be easy, it’s not onry swerr, don’t terr me tluth haats rittle gaar, cuz it haats rike herr…..But down in da undaagraun, yorr find someone tlue, down in da undaagraun, a rand seleeeeen, a clistal muuuun Ahhhhhhaaaaaa!”
Dorian: *cough*
Klaus: *blinks*
Major Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach has never been the most pleasant person,
Dorian: That’s true enough.
Klaus: Shut up!
not the most patient.
Dorian: I rest my case.
Klaus: Growl
He lit up his 1st cigarette of the morning
Klaus: What does this author have against typing out “first”?
Dorian: Lack of intelligence?
Klaus: Point to you.
Dorian: Oooo, goodie!
&
Klaus: Christ, it’s the Ampersand Author, again!
banged his head against the window of the car as they were stuck in a fifty-two car pile-up in traffic,
Dorian: Where? On the L.A. freeway?
Klaus: Certainly not the Autobahn.
making his chauffeur nervous.
Agent A: Major, when did you get a chauffeur?
Klaus: Don’t ask me, ask my Out Of Character counterpart.
He expecting better of the day as he walked into NATO headquarters
Klaus: I thought I was stuck in traffic!
Dorian: Did you transport in?
on a sunny day in Bon, Germany,
Klaus: Bon? *headdeask* That’s Bonn! B-O-N-N!
Dorian: At least they got the country right.
Klaus: Don’t be too sure. Is this before or after the Unification?
Dorian: Point to you.
but he expected too much. It was out of the question for him to expect to walk into a clean orderly office,
Klaus: What!
Alphabet: *starts packing for Alaska*
as the paperwork had been piling up since the 80s.
Dorian: It seems you’re not the only one out of character, Major.
Agent Z was fast asleep
Agent Z: Never! I have my own series, y’know!
Klaus: Not recently.
Dorian: Poor Z.
Klaus: Stay away from my agents, you pervert!
in his self-made cubicle of whatever it was he was supposed to be signing for the past few decades,
Agent Z: I know the higher-ups are idiots, but, really!
Agent A: I seriously doubt they’d allow us to get away with that!
Klaus: I wouldn’t allow you to get away with that!
drooling on glossy photos of people on Klaus’ bitch-slap list.
Klaus: On my what!
Dorian: Oh dear, this is dreadful.
Klaus: It’s a fucking piece of shit!
“Isn’t that cute?” Klaus sneered
Dorian: Gah!
Klaus: Seconded!
Dorian: You’ve been replaced by a pod person, Major!
Klaus: Where’s my gun?
as he puffed his second cigarette.
Klaus: Well, what do you know, they spelled out second.
Dorian: A small victory.
Klaus: I’ll take what I can get.
He pulled a whistle from his pocket & blew hard.
Dorian: Sigh. Oh, to be that whistle…
Klaus: Gah!
Dorian: Snicker.
Z’s eyes went wide, his body shot up, & it was raining tax reforms.
Agent Z: Tax forms? Have I changed jobs?
James: You’re a tax agent. WAH!
Klaus: Don’t start, tightwad.
“Zetto-kun….”
Klaus: *sputters and flails*
Agent Z: *stares*
Dorian: *speechless*
James: Hey! I’m James-kun!
Klaus said as he replaced his cigarette.
Klaus: I’d like to shove a cigarette in a dark place on this author!
Dorian: Oh, Major, I love it when you talk dirty.
Klaus: *glares*
“Get us both some coffee. Okay?”
Dorian: What the hell?
Agent Z: The Major…polite?!
Klaus: It’s a pod person.
Dorian and Z: OOOOOoooohh!
Z waded through his desk & practically swam through the snowy white paper landfill.
Klaus: *pulls out lighter and sets papers alight*
Dorian: *sings* Burn, baby, burnin’!
Klaus: Shut up, idiot!
Dorian: *changes song* Come on, baby, light my fire!
Klaus: *grabs fire extinguisher*
Z absolutely adored the Major, & even though he preferred women, he had a funny kind of feeling whenever he was near.
Klaus: GAH!
Agent Z: GAH!
Agent G: Grrrrrrr
Dorian: Waaaah!
Agent A was loitering by the café bar.
Agent A: I do not loiter!
Klaus: What the hell are you doing at a bar?
Agent A: Well, the office was on fire…
“We’re out of Nescafé,” he said flatly.
Klaus: Report to Alaska!
Agent G chuckled. “The major won’t drink anything else…..seriously, does he even drink water? & all he ever eats is french-fries…..
Klaus: *glares at G*
Agent G: I did not say that, sir.
Dorian: This is the pod person version of Eroica.
Klaus: Point to you.
Z looked at his fingers in disappointment.
Dorian: Were you checking your manicure?
Agent Z: You’re asking me?
“Oh…the major’s already in a bad enough mood this morning….”
Dorian: The Major’s always in a bad mood! It’s his default setting.
Agent A: Point to you.
Klaus: *glares* Aren’t you supposed to be packing for Alaska?
Agent A: Eep!
G tapped him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll soften the blow for you.” He hiked his skirt up on the way there.
Klaus: G! Dress in a proper manner or it’s Alaska for you, too!
Dorian: They’re pod people, Major.
Klaus: Bloody pervert pod people.
Dorian: Sigh.
Hours latter,
Dorian: Latter? Where’s the former?
Klaus: Don’t ask, they may tell us.
Dorian: Point to you.
Klaus sat thirsty in a fairy circle of cigarette ashes, glad the day was over.
Klaus: Fairy circle?
Dorian: Snicker.
Klaus: Must mean your lot.
Dorian: Growl.
G had practically launched himself at the major before the chief came in & chased him out, plus there was that nasty phone call from Misha the Bearcub. & even after approving, signing, & stamping seven-hundred some-odd papers, the room remained filled & he felt like he’d achieved nothing.
Klaus: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Dorian: I dare say that’s supposed to be a summary of your day.
Mischa: I do not make nasty phone calls!
Klaus: No comment.
Mischa: Capitalist swine.
Lighting his third cigarette,
Klaus: The third of the day?
Dorian: Must mean the third of a new pack.
Agent G: There was that fairy circle.
Klaus: Left by fairies!
Agent A: Must be ashes from the fire.
he stormed out of NATO HQ & walked three blocks o the nearest convenience store,
Klaus: Convenience store?
Dorian: Well, you were on the L.A. Freeway at the start.
standing in line cradling a thirty pound bottle of instant Nescafé like a newborn.
Dorian: Yes, I was right. You’re in the States.
Klaus: Agreed. Otherwise it would be in kilos.
Dorian: I don’t recall large jars of anything at convenience stores.
Klaus: *shrugs*
When he got home, he poured himself a heaping cup & sat alone in his kitchen.
Klaus: What the fuck?
Dorian: You have a chauffer but no servants at the Schloss?
James: It’s a pod universe!
“Why do I have to be the one to babysit everybody else? It’s the same thing day after day. Why did I take this desk job? I need outdoor action.”
Dorian: Introspection, Major?
Klaus: Desk job? Iron Klaus?
Chief: You have my job?
Klaus: Who the fuck knows?
The glass door suddenly flashed a blinding white light.
Klaus: What glass door? I’m supposed to be in the kitchen.
Dorian: Must be that teleporter again.
The doors burst open & a yellow pear-shaped bunny-eared bat flew in & flapped aimlessly around the kitchen until it exploded in a cloud of brilliant pink, in which the form of a man appeared.
Dorian: Dear Lord, that's too much, even for me.
Klaus: A fairy bunny bat?
The blonde waved his hand & coughed indignantly. “My name is Dorian Red Gloria; king of the Mountain Elves,
Dorian: *sputters and flails*
Klaus: Snicker.
Dorian: Not another bloody Fae fic!
Klaus: Well, there was that fairy circle.
Dorian: Shut up!
& I’ve come to steal you…I mean your coffee.” He said as he confiscated the plastic jar.
Klaus: This is one of the dumbest things I have ever read.
Dorian: In this fic.
Klaus: Point to you.
Klaus yanked Dorian’s curly golden hair.
Klaus: But it seems to have its good points.
Dorian: Major!
“And what makes you think I’m going to LET you steal my Nescafé?”
Dorian: A poorly thought out plot?
Klaus: There’s a plot?
Dorian: Point to you.
Dorian beamed. “Because win or loose,
Dorian: Loose? *groan*
if you come with me, win or loose you could win a fabulous prize!”
Klaus: Your head on a platter?
Klaus thought for a moment. “Like what?”
Klaus: I had to think before asking that!
Dorian: *eye roll*
Dorian shrugged, “I dunno, whatever you want.”
Klaus: I want your head on a platter!
Klaus raised his brow. “Like a Leopard tank?”
Klaus: Nein!
Dorian: They’re not listening, Major.
Klaus: God fucking dammit!
Dorian shrugged again. “I guess so.”
Dorian: Not a well thought out plan on my part.
Klaus: Like it matters at this point.
Dorian: Point to you.
Klaus stared at his hostage coffee. “And what do I win if I loose?”
Klaus: How about a dictionary?
“ME!” Dorian said gleefully, burying his face in Klaus’ chest.
Klaus: What a predictable response.
Dorian: Indeed.
Klaus: You’re suspiciously calm.
Dorian: I’m scheming.
Klaus: At least you’re still in character-in this dialogue, anyway.
“But I don’t like men that way.” Klaus barked.
Dorian: Does that mean you like them another way?
Klaus: Pervert!
“But you don’t like women that way either.” Dorian said knowingly. “It would be a shame to waste all that beauty on no-one but yourself.”
Klaus: Gah!
Dorian: Major, I had no idea…
Klaus: Get out of my nightstand!
“I can just as easily get a new thing of coffee.” Klaus snorted.
Klaus: New thing?
Dorian: I should think you have the stuff stockpiled.
Butler: Oh, he does, sir.
Klaus: Don’t say unnecessary things!
“Ahhh, but I didn’t just take yours.” Dorian grinned. “I have taken all the Nescafé in the world,
James: Milord, I’m so proud of you. At the current price of coffee…
Klaus: Shut up!
& if you ever want a decent cup of coffee again, you’ll have to reach the end of the labyrinth.”
Klaus: Conrad, go get me a large ball of twine.
Dorian: Major! You know your ancient mythology.
Klaus: Idiot.
He handed Klaus a white rose. “Don’t eat it.”
Dorian: *drums fingers on desk*
Klaus’ eye twitched. “What labyrinth?”
Klaus: How close are we to the end of this crapfic?
Dorian: No idea.
Bonham: Can we cheat and just jump to the end bit?
Dorian: If only…
Dorian snapped his fingers & Klaus suddenly found he wasn’t in Kans….I mean Bon anymore.
Klaus: I was never in Bon!
Dorian: I was right about the transporter!
James: How can we market that? *dashes off*
Dorian gave him a wicked look. “You have no choice now. You have thirteen hours to solve the labyrinth, or you’re mine forever.”
Klaus: I don’t recall ever agreeing to this.
Dorian: You never agree to anything I suggest.
Klaus: Point to you.
Klaus lunged at him, but went right through him. Dorian laughed & vanished in a wind of rose petals.
Dorian: I didn’t think this was a fairy tale.
Klaus: *opens mouth*
Dorian: Don’t say it!
Klaus turned to the labyrinth & sniffed indignantly. “It doesn’t look so hard….”
Klaus: *drums fingers on desk*
He walked about a mile to the gates where he saw a cute short man in a patchy green suit counting money.
Klaus: Gah! Nein!
Dorian: No, it can’t be…
James: Did somebody say counting money?
Klaus lit his 4th cigarette & barked at the stranger.
Klaus: They were doing so well typing out the count.
Dorian: Why are we supposed to care how many cigarettes you’ve smoked?
Klaus: *Shrugs*
Agent Z: Perhaps it’s a hidden message.
Klaus: That would presume the author has a brain.
Dorian: Point to you.
“You there! Open the damn gates! My morning sanity is a stake here.”
Dorian: You’re morning sanity?
Klaus: You expect this to make sense at this point?
Dorian: Point to you.
The man clutched his money bag. “I don’t do nothin’ for free!”
James: I do not talk like that!
Dorian: It’s a pod person, James.
Klaus: I think he always was a pod person.
Klaus sighed & pulled out his wallet. “Do you accept deutsche marks?”
Klaus: As if he’d say no.
James looked greedily at the wallet. “If it’s legitimate, I’ll take it!”
James: And even if it’s not. I can sell anything.
Klaus: That, I believe.
Klaus forked over a few marks & James pushed a secret button on the gate to open it.
Bonham: Everybody’s got bloody security gates these days.
Klaus: Are you sure this isn’t just the front of Castle Gloria?
Dorian: *looks innocent*
“So…are you going left or right?”
Klaus: You tell me. What’s the key?
Dorian: Major! That’s cheating.
Klaus: Your point?
Klaus looked both ways. “Why? Which way would YOU go?”
James: The right answer will cost you.
Klaus: Figures.
James shrugged. “I wouldn’t go EITHER way. Even if you DO reach the castle, you’ll never get out again.”
Klaus: I was right, it is the entrance to Castle Gloria.
Klaus glared at him. “Some help YOU are.”
James: *beams*
James pulled a quarter out of his pocket & flipped it, slapping it down as it landed on his hand & looking at it. “Go left.”
Dorian: James, when did you start carrying Yank money?
James: I found it under a couch in a hotel.
Dorian: Ah.
Klaus looked behind him; the door was gone.
Dorian: What door? I teleported him in!
Klaus: Like it matters.
Both ways seem to go on for miles & miles. Klaus jogged ahead, skipping over slimy tree roots that grew from nowhere.
Dorian: I would love to see this!
Klaus: Iron Klaus does not skip!
Dorian: How about prance?
Klaus: How about a concussion?
“What the hell kind of labyrinth is this? There aren’t any turns or nothin’!”
Klaus: When did I start talking like Bonham?
Dorian: Your English is deteriorating inside the enchanted Labyrinth, it seems.
He tripped over a root & braced himself to land face first into a wall, but no impact happened. He stood up & moved his hand about the wall. “It’s some kind of optical illusion…” He walked right through it & suddenly everything looked right, but which way to go…?
Dorian: Sounds like one of those rides at Disneyland.
Klaus: The Haunted Mansion. Castle Gloria.
Dorian: Exact-HEY!
Klaus’ cigarette box fell out of his pocket.
Dorian: You’re carrying the cigarette case I sent for you birthday?
Klaus: Nein.
Bonham: You never sent it, milord. So James sold it on eBay.
Suddenly a small demon popped out from under a stone tile, took it, & disappeared. He was about to rip the stone out of its place with his bare hands when another demon popped out of another stone.
Klaus: You need to keep better control of you men, Eroica.
Dorian: Wha…? Those aren’t my men!
Klaus: They steal, don’t they?
Soon, there were at least five popping up & down, giving him raspberries.
Dorian: At least you’ll have no shortage of food, Major.
Klaus: Fruit from fruits.
Irked, Klaus found a random tree that appeared from nowhere & ripped a branch off of it.
Klaus: Everything in the fucking thing is random.
Dorian: And tedious.
Klaus: Point to you.
“Gimme back my smokes you bleeding bastards!” Klaus swung the branch around like a mallet in Wack-the-Weasel.
Dorian: Whack…the…Weasel?
Klaus: A ridiculous game played by ignorant adolescents in video game parlors.
Dorian: Oh! No wonder the author is familiar with it.
Klaus: Point to you.
From a distance,
Dorian: *opens mouth*
Klaus: You start singing and I shoot you.
Dorian was watching the charade from a window in his castle.
Klaus: *opens mouth*
Dorian: Don’t say it!
All kinds of pretty boy demons were running about the place all willy-nilly. Dorian stood & 80’s style rock music began to fill he air. Caesar pulled on Dorian’s red cloak. “You’re not going to sing, are you?”
Fan!Girls: Something Zeppelin!
Dorian: Gah! Women!
“Gawd no.” Dorian replied. “And Von Rose is busy elsewhere.” He pointed to a pretty long haired demon in purple.
Klaus: Von Rose?
Dorian: No clue.
Dorian: “You remind me this guy.”
Tyrian: “What guy?”
Dorian: “This guy with a power.”
Tyrian: “What power?”
Dorian: “A power like voodoo.”
Tyrian: “Who do?”
Dorian: “You do.”
Tyrian: “Do what?”
Dorian: Remind me of this guy.”
Klaus: *blinks*
Dorian: I saw that bit in an old Cary Grant film.
Klaus: And...?
Dorian: It wasn’t funny then, either.
Caesar groaned & shook his head.
Klaus: Bugger, the wimp has some sense after all.
Back down in the labyrinth, Klaus had successfully maimed the demon buggers & retrieved his pack ‘o’ lung cloggers.
Klaus: Lung clogger?
Dorian: Spare me.
Klaus: What’s next? The fucking Surgeon General’s warning?
“Chain smoking freak.” Said a mysterious voice.
Klaus: I’ve had four cigarettes all day!
Dorian: Yes, the author was kind enough to keep count.
Klaus turned around & saw that the labyrinth behind him had changed.
Agent Z: Now there’s a shock.
Before him stood two royal-poker-card like doors with 4 men’s heads. “All the blood is rushing to my head.” Said Caesar, who was hanging upside down.
Agent Z: I didn’t understand a word of that.
Klaus: Get back to the office and clear out all the paper!
Agent Z: Yes, sir!
Justin looked down at him. “How’d you get down here so freakin fast?”
Dorian: He used the teleporter!
Klaus: Shut up!
Caesar gave an indignant look. “I jumped out the window & landed on a pervert.”
Klaus: That narrows it down to everyone.
“He’s heavier than he looks.” Said Virgil from atop the other door.
Dorian: We seem to be descending into chat format.
Klaus: Author must’ve had another stroke.
Dorian: Stroke?
Klaus: Kills brain cells.
Dorian: That assumes the author actually had some to begin with.
Klaus: Point to you.
“Why do I hafta be on bottom?” Heath whined. “My hair is dragging on the floor.”
Dorian: *opens mouth*
Klaus: Say it and you die.
Klaus cleared his throat to get attention. “and just what in hell are you supposed to be?”
Margaret: A House of Cards!
Klaus: Hey, get out of this MSTie!
Dorian: Nice pimping, dear.
Margaret: Thanks.
Virgil: “Hey handsome.”
Justin: “We’re just a couple of doors.”
Margaret: Which one of you is Jim Morrison?
Klaus: Out!
Heath: “One of us will take you to the castle.”
Caesar: “And the other will drop you straight into the dungeon.”
Klaus: There’s a difference?
Dorian: Major!
Klaus: “Which is which?
Dorian: Eenie, Meanie, Minnie…
Virgil: “Ask them.”
Heath: “We can’t tell you.”
Justin: “Only one of us knows.
Caesar: “And you can only ask one of us.”
Virgil: “Cuz those are the rules.
Klaus: Very stupid rules.
Dorian: In a very stupid fic.
Heath: “and while one of us always tells the truth….”
Justin: “The other always lies.”
Caesar: “He always lies.”
Virgil: “I do not! I always tell the truth!”
Heath: “What a lie!”
Justin: “Are you sure?”
Klaus: That’s it. Where’s my gun?
Dorian: I’ll help you look.
Klaus smacked his face in annoyance. He looked down at Caesar & pointed to
Klaus: To what?
Dorian: *purrs*
Klaus: Pervert!
Virgil. “Just answer yes or no. Would HE tell me that THIS door leads to the castle?”
Caesar wobbled his head as he thought. “Uuuuhhhh….yes?”
Virgil: “Yes.”
Klaus folded his arms. “Then the OTHER door leads to the castle & THIS one leads to the dungeon.”
Dorian: I think you should’ve asked, ‘If a train leave London going 100 kilometers an hour…’
Klaus: *face palm*
Virgil: But how do you know he’s not telling the truth?”
Dorian: Because he’s Iron Klaus.
Klaus: And they’re all fucking liars.
Dorian: Well, there’s that too.
Klaus smiled knowingly. “Cuz then YOU’D be lying, so if he said yes, the answer must be no. and if HE was lying, then the answer would still be no.”
Dorian: Come again?
Heath: “Are you sure?”
Justin: “I think I just had a brain-fart.”
Dorian: Oh, how rude.
Klaus grabbed the knob of the other door. “I’m sure I’m right.” He opened it & walked through.
*
What will happen?!?!?!
Klaus: I escape the fic entirely!
Dorian: Oh, clever old you!
Klaus: Thank-you.
Final score: Dorian - 8, Klaus - 6, Ampersand - 41