(no subject)
Sometimes I actually wonder how I refrain from bursting out in hysterics when I try and tell myself that I have this shit under control....or when I tell other people that I'm "okay"
I honestly have lost track of when exactly it is I stopped taking my meds this time around. I'm quite sure it was either April or May of last year...I think....again I dont know because I was never any good at remembering to making myself take them anyways...I'd always skip a few weeks here and there.
For a while everything was fine in my own little way, I was probably in some sort of mild period of mania and didn't really think twice about it during the summer but I suppose things started to go sideways around the end of August. Its a very strange feeling to not feel like yourself (which I'm sure some of you have experienced and some of you probably haven't) For a while I wasn't really feeling much of anything....I wasn't carrying around this frustration that I have now...I just did not feel like myself and it didn't really bother me that much (mostly because of my whole little self medicating way of dealing with anything and everything by chasing it away with excessive drug use. I got pregnant in September so I obviously stopped drinking and using what ever I could get my hands on and again, probably up until new years, despite the loads of stress and triggerish stuff I had going on around me, I was content to tell myself I was fine and try and feel as good as possible
It worked...kind of
I was alright...kind of (not really)
But its been a bad couple months with things getting progressively worse and my moods shifting more and more rapidly which is also due in part to pregnancy hormones. Its getting harder and harder to deal with everything...and the worse I get and try to express how absolutley frustrating it is to feel like there's some sort of tornado in your head tearing the shit out of everything and you just cant get it to stop and you just cant keep a level head about anything because you're going through a shit storm internally (if that makes sense) the more people just tell me its the hormones and it'll go away once I have the baby.
What if it doesnt?
It's not just the hormones
Hormones dont lead you to be in hysterics, hyperventilating on the verge of a panick attack three times in the same week. Hormones dont have you unfocussed as hell with your mind fucking racing a mile a minute while you're so fucking sad it feels like your being stabbed in the chest repeatedly. Hormones dont keep you up nights to the point where you're pretty much convinced you're not sleeping again EVER. Hormones dont make you pace incessantly and talk to yourself. Hormones dont make you feel like you're finally cracking. Not completely anyways.
It's NOT just hormones an it would be nice if someone would for once get that it's not....this isn't going to go back to being pretty much manageable once the baby's born...my bipolar has NEVER been this bad ever and I'm finding it really hard to cope with it this week.
I'm not medicated and I dont go to therapy because neither of those things have done anything for me and I think that's more frustrating than anything...I just want something to help.
I'm sick of feeling like I need to scream
I'm sick of feeling like I need to break something (I already broke a glass and a plate last week and it just made me want to break more shit like if I could break every last dish and glass and mug in my house it would be an immense release.
I'm sick of people telling me I'm being Irrational....HELLO??? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT??!!
Most of all I'm sick of being sick.
I hate this.
I honestly have lost track of when exactly it is I stopped taking my meds this time around. I'm quite sure it was either April or May of last year...I think....again I dont know because I was never any good at remembering to making myself take them anyways...I'd always skip a few weeks here and there.
For a while everything was fine in my own little way, I was probably in some sort of mild period of mania and didn't really think twice about it during the summer but I suppose things started to go sideways around the end of August. Its a very strange feeling to not feel like yourself (which I'm sure some of you have experienced and some of you probably haven't) For a while I wasn't really feeling much of anything....I wasn't carrying around this frustration that I have now...I just did not feel like myself and it didn't really bother me that much (mostly because of my whole little self medicating way of dealing with anything and everything by chasing it away with excessive drug use. I got pregnant in September so I obviously stopped drinking and using what ever I could get my hands on and again, probably up until new years, despite the loads of stress and triggerish stuff I had going on around me, I was content to tell myself I was fine and try and feel as good as possible
It worked...kind of
I was alright...kind of (not really)
But its been a bad couple months with things getting progressively worse and my moods shifting more and more rapidly which is also due in part to pregnancy hormones. Its getting harder and harder to deal with everything...and the worse I get and try to express how absolutley frustrating it is to feel like there's some sort of tornado in your head tearing the shit out of everything and you just cant get it to stop and you just cant keep a level head about anything because you're going through a shit storm internally (if that makes sense) the more people just tell me its the hormones and it'll go away once I have the baby.
What if it doesnt?
It's not just the hormones
Hormones dont lead you to be in hysterics, hyperventilating on the verge of a panick attack three times in the same week. Hormones dont have you unfocussed as hell with your mind fucking racing a mile a minute while you're so fucking sad it feels like your being stabbed in the chest repeatedly. Hormones dont keep you up nights to the point where you're pretty much convinced you're not sleeping again EVER. Hormones dont make you pace incessantly and talk to yourself. Hormones dont make you feel like you're finally cracking. Not completely anyways.
It's NOT just hormones an it would be nice if someone would for once get that it's not....this isn't going to go back to being pretty much manageable once the baby's born...my bipolar has NEVER been this bad ever and I'm finding it really hard to cope with it this week.
I'm not medicated and I dont go to therapy because neither of those things have done anything for me and I think that's more frustrating than anything...I just want something to help.
I'm sick of feeling like I need to scream
I'm sick of feeling like I need to break something (I already broke a glass and a plate last week and it just made me want to break more shit like if I could break every last dish and glass and mug in my house it would be an immense release.
I'm sick of people telling me I'm being Irrational....HELLO??? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT??!!
Most of all I'm sick of being sick.
I hate this.