my dads 59th b-day and my 1 week off of codine
ive been going through a really hard time. i was on trap drugs. the ones that let you in and never out again. it sucked me in and i lost all control of all functions mentally and physically. ive put my self in very risky and extremely dangerious situations. i am so ashamed. i cant beleive what i allowed myself to become. what i allowed my self to do. i am so angry... jealous... bitter... i am going through a very difficult time. i really have been reaching out for help. ive gone mentally insane... or more like incapable.... or distructive. im lacking in the bare minamals in life. i dont know what to do. or who to reach out to. im starting to fix the distruction between john and i. i pushed him so far away its been a strugle to regain the bit of confadince that i have. i invited a new roomate to move in with john and i. her name is megan. she is a very sweet girl. i brought her in happily. she had no idea that a week laster id be going through a rigerous detox. ive taken a lot of my problems out on her. sorrys usually are not worth much to any one any more. i like meg. shes great. its also nice having another girl in the house. i just feel like it detracts from the attention im used to getting from john so i pushed him far far away. im so lost and confused. i feel sad and i dont really know what to really do. thoughts and voices go through my head along with alot of negativity making slicing my ancles seem very appealing. and its hard to say no to my self. i cant stand these things that make me me. its my dads birthday... im far far away. sick. lonely..... im known to pile on the negativity. i just want to go back to bed 4 ever. im gonna call my mom. but why. ive gone insane. i cant think.... i cant rely on myself anymore.
