I wish I was in Tijuana, eating barbecued iguana.....
The weirdest thing happened today. Just now. I was on the phone with Joey and I told him I had to go…. Because I had work to get done.
It’s a weird thing when you are working on your own time, and you have to judge how much of your own, personal time, you want to spend fucking off. It’s a weird, potentially “adult” feeling. I guess I don't mind so much because if I go home I won't do anything I need to do anyway. One more day till the weekend and chances are tomorrow won't be a long day. Then I need to figure out how to cram all my to-do's in amongst visiting family and haircuts and what not.
I saw my Special Feelings Doctor for the first time since I left the Playpen. He didn't seem all that shocked that I was mildly depressed this week. I've barely been working with him for a year and he knows me as well as everyone else. He talked to me about using a technique he learned in the 90's in an upcoming session called EMDR. Some of it sounded interesting. Some of it sounded hokey.
The interesting part was how the brain processes information while we sleep. The physical reaction to this is the movement of the eyes while we are dreaming. I cried out, "Oh, REM sleep" and he said, 'No not so much that, but the eye movements when you dream".
Yea, it's REM sleep dummy. Unless something's change since I went to high school.
The potential hokey part is that therapy itself. Someone holds two fingers out and rapidly moves them back and forth. The subject follows with their eyes while thinking of a tragic memory. I guess it's more so for people who have been raped or in horrible accidents where there are specific events. It's a little different for me as I don't have specific "tragedies" to speak of, but a trauma-like series of events that formed my self-image. This self-image thusly affecting all my behavior, either blatantly or in the background.
All makes sense to me. But, treatment for it? It makes me think of Captain Kirk, "I don't want my pain taken away, I NEED my pain!"
I think the SFD really wants to help me, but he's trying to figure something out besides drugs. Even though he did mention them again in last night's session. I really pick up when he's trying to be overly suggestive about something. I am not sure he knows I know he's being so obvious about it all.
I think part of the reason I am so grumpy is the break in my routine. Honestly, I was quite used to being on AIM all day. I was used to surfing whenever I wanted. But, worst of all, I miss the regimented updating of my blog. When I talk about not having priorities and goals, the SFD always refers back to the fact that I am immensely dedicated to journaling and how no matter my mood I always make time for it. He tries to use the example to show me that I do have the ability to apply myself when I choose to.
Duh.
Arrogance aside I told him, writing is like breathing for me. Writing and writing well is no effort to me at all. I always having something to say, even if I am repeating myself. I see where he's going with it though. But, then when I see that I don't apply the same dedication to other things I desire I get frustrated which just shuts me down. Yada yada yada...
I feel a bit better than I did earlier in the week. I really just want some time off. I am getting more and more excited for NOLA. I just want to be somewhere warm and sunny. Drinks are an added bonus.
It’s a weird thing when you are working on your own time, and you have to judge how much of your own, personal time, you want to spend fucking off. It’s a weird, potentially “adult” feeling. I guess I don't mind so much because if I go home I won't do anything I need to do anyway. One more day till the weekend and chances are tomorrow won't be a long day. Then I need to figure out how to cram all my to-do's in amongst visiting family and haircuts and what not.
I saw my Special Feelings Doctor for the first time since I left the Playpen. He didn't seem all that shocked that I was mildly depressed this week. I've barely been working with him for a year and he knows me as well as everyone else. He talked to me about using a technique he learned in the 90's in an upcoming session called EMDR. Some of it sounded interesting. Some of it sounded hokey.
The interesting part was how the brain processes information while we sleep. The physical reaction to this is the movement of the eyes while we are dreaming. I cried out, "Oh, REM sleep" and he said, 'No not so much that, but the eye movements when you dream".
Yea, it's REM sleep dummy. Unless something's change since I went to high school.
The potential hokey part is that therapy itself. Someone holds two fingers out and rapidly moves them back and forth. The subject follows with their eyes while thinking of a tragic memory. I guess it's more so for people who have been raped or in horrible accidents where there are specific events. It's a little different for me as I don't have specific "tragedies" to speak of, but a trauma-like series of events that formed my self-image. This self-image thusly affecting all my behavior, either blatantly or in the background.
All makes sense to me. But, treatment for it? It makes me think of Captain Kirk, "I don't want my pain taken away, I NEED my pain!"
I think the SFD really wants to help me, but he's trying to figure something out besides drugs. Even though he did mention them again in last night's session. I really pick up when he's trying to be overly suggestive about something. I am not sure he knows I know he's being so obvious about it all.
I think part of the reason I am so grumpy is the break in my routine. Honestly, I was quite used to being on AIM all day. I was used to surfing whenever I wanted. But, worst of all, I miss the regimented updating of my blog. When I talk about not having priorities and goals, the SFD always refers back to the fact that I am immensely dedicated to journaling and how no matter my mood I always make time for it. He tries to use the example to show me that I do have the ability to apply myself when I choose to.
Duh.
Arrogance aside I told him, writing is like breathing for me. Writing and writing well is no effort to me at all. I always having something to say, even if I am repeating myself. I see where he's going with it though. But, then when I see that I don't apply the same dedication to other things I desire I get frustrated which just shuts me down. Yada yada yada...
I feel a bit better than I did earlier in the week. I really just want some time off. I am getting more and more excited for NOLA. I just want to be somewhere warm and sunny. Drinks are an added bonus.