Same Old Brand New You
Every year I say that the next winter I will call and complain to my landlord about the lack of heat in my apartment. And every year, I don’t. Instead I am going to bed with shorts under sweatpants, long sleeve sweater shirts and T-shirts under five blankets. In the morning my apartment is seriously in the low 50’s it’s so cold.
Then I get to take a shower under a trickle of warm water less than half an inch wide. So for about fifteen minutes I am huddled under the stream attempting to thaw my body out. It’s funny how all the little tragedies in my life are pretty easily fixed, yet I don’t make the effort to fix them. Doesn’t make much sense.
Last night was a mess. I had no idea it was going to snow, so I was wearing my gym shoes and I literally almost fell on my ass about ten times while walking. Which is just as bad as falling because you feel so stupid, and you know you look stupid flailing all over the damn place.
I decided to go visit Addy at Melrose since it’d been a long while since I’d seen her. Nothing major. Afterwards I literally spent a half hour waiting for a Clark bus to get home. My feet were frozen to the bone and soaking wet. I watched FIVE buses going southbound before one came going north. I really hate the CTA. How hard is it to get somewhere on time?
I still feel pretty depressed. The fact that I am depressed is making me more depressed. It’s all so typical of me. I feel like I want to just find a hole somewhere and crawl into it. And when I see my Special Feelings Doctor tonight, if I make mention of this, he’s going to immediately give me his drug/guilt speech.
I am just really worn out all the way around. I have no energy to do anything. And I continue to have new-job anxiety. A basic feeling that A. I do not belong where I am and B. I will fail.
I have no doubt these troubled feelings I am having are what is making me so nostalgic for the 80’s the past two days. It makes total sense. When feeling completely overwhelmed, run back to a place in your mind where you were safe, before you knew such issues as the one you’re dealing with. In this case, when I was little… before I had to work and before school became living hell.
I am back in that place where I feel like I don’t have enough time to do everything I need to do. Everything is closing in around me and I am suffocating. I hate to even hear myself complaining about it, because all I can say is exactly what anyone else who knows me will say; I’ve always gotta have something to complain about.
I guess I should start playing the lottery again.
Then I get to take a shower under a trickle of warm water less than half an inch wide. So for about fifteen minutes I am huddled under the stream attempting to thaw my body out. It’s funny how all the little tragedies in my life are pretty easily fixed, yet I don’t make the effort to fix them. Doesn’t make much sense.
Last night was a mess. I had no idea it was going to snow, so I was wearing my gym shoes and I literally almost fell on my ass about ten times while walking. Which is just as bad as falling because you feel so stupid, and you know you look stupid flailing all over the damn place.
I decided to go visit Addy at Melrose since it’d been a long while since I’d seen her. Nothing major. Afterwards I literally spent a half hour waiting for a Clark bus to get home. My feet were frozen to the bone and soaking wet. I watched FIVE buses going southbound before one came going north. I really hate the CTA. How hard is it to get somewhere on time?
I still feel pretty depressed. The fact that I am depressed is making me more depressed. It’s all so typical of me. I feel like I want to just find a hole somewhere and crawl into it. And when I see my Special Feelings Doctor tonight, if I make mention of this, he’s going to immediately give me his drug/guilt speech.
I am just really worn out all the way around. I have no energy to do anything. And I continue to have new-job anxiety. A basic feeling that A. I do not belong where I am and B. I will fail.
I have no doubt these troubled feelings I am having are what is making me so nostalgic for the 80’s the past two days. It makes total sense. When feeling completely overwhelmed, run back to a place in your mind where you were safe, before you knew such issues as the one you’re dealing with. In this case, when I was little… before I had to work and before school became living hell.
I am back in that place where I feel like I don’t have enough time to do everything I need to do. Everything is closing in around me and I am suffocating. I hate to even hear myself complaining about it, because all I can say is exactly what anyone else who knows me will say; I’ve always gotta have something to complain about.
I guess I should start playing the lottery again.