Family Matters
I am spoiled. Every Xmas my parents spend about a grand on me and my sister. I get to hear from others how spoiled I am because they get less. I get to feel guilty about it. I don't know why my mom does it. It is either to make up for some lack of love she showed us in the past or maybe in a way to bribe my sister and I to love her.
Mind you, I love my parents. I really do. They do not need to pay me off for affection. We haven't always been the most stable family, but people go through hard times and grow up. I know that my parents feel a loss of not being able to talk to their one grandchild produced by my intensely selfish brother and his cunt of a wife. And, I know they feel a loss over the fact my sister and I have not, and may well never produce offspring of our own. So, the fantasy of the perfect nuclear family has long since been obliterated.
Now every year around this time my mother urges us for a list of things we want. And she will pretty much get us everything on those lists. So, it's not so much a sense of surprise as a countdown when we open gifts on Xmas morning to see which items are checked off said lists.
And there was a time when I relished this and took advantage of it because I was broke and didn't have the money for DVD players and TVs and what not. But with each passing year it seems to matter less and less and I'd just assume we have a nice dinner together at home than have to haul tons of shit back to my apartment because the gifts don't really matter to me.
It hearkens back to Xmas of 1986 when I got everything I had wanted. And that night I was in my room surrounded by toys and what not, and I cried my eyes out and felt horribly empty. A feeling I would not expect an 11 year old to feel, but I remember it as clear as day. I am sure my SFD would say it was the first time my clinical depression hit. Whatever the case may be, it never felt so horrible to be so spoiled. And in waves for a while the shame of being a spoiled brat has come and gone.
One of the most embarrassing times was the Xmas at The Circus when they gave us a 15% pay cut and I couldn't afford gifts for anyone. To have to receive these tokens that morning and have nothing to even give in the obligatory sense made me feel horrible.
And, I really do see Xmas as a holiday of obligation. Where there biggest and best win, and we are measured by our money and our ingenuity to know other people. Xmas has no spiritual correlation with me anymore. It's a celebration of Capitalism and nothing more. All the good memories I have of it come at a time when i was ignorant to the true meaning of it all. Not when I was innocent, just when I was ignorant.
Now it's coming around again, and my sister and I have to try to figure out the mystery of what our parents want. Not that it matters because my mother will say they need nothing and be upset by any amount of money we spend. We usually get her something cheap off this list she gives my dad at the last minute. My dad usually gets DVDs. Aside from the two or three grand my mom spends on him for clothes for the year and usually one big electronic gift.
Now, for quite a while now their computer at home has been on the fritz. My old man thinks he knows computers and has fucked the thing up more than it already was. It's an HP, which just makes me shudder immediately. And it was built for Windows 98. XP doesn't work on it and now whenever my mom tries to log onto it, most of the time it crashes. They just recently got a DSL at home because my mom found out that I'd been paying for their AOL for the past ten years. And she won't have me spending my money on them.
They need a new computer is the point of all this. I have some extra money from my second job, and it'll just be wasted on drinking anyway. Once I get the NOLA trip paid for that is. They need a new one, my mom doesn't want to spend the money and my dad probably won't get around to it thinking he can somehow fix the shitbox they have. I can get them a new system from Dell, I can load it up with free software from work. I can set them up without an issue and finally my mom can get on the Internet and check her email and maybe be a little less afraid of technology. And my dad can play games on the PC again which he's always enjoyed.
I mentioned this to my sister thinking she might want to go in on part of the gift. Not even half, maybe just like a hundred bucks would have been fine. But. her response... "Mom will be upset if you spend that much. I wouldn't. I am just getting dad the James Bond DVDs and I figured we can go halves on them. Mom would rather you spend that money on a down payment for a condo."
Now, I do love my sister. Let me get that out of the way. And I know she suffers from the same depression I do. So I feel for her pain in life. Things haven't gone the way she's wanted. I can relate.
But if anything SHE is the one that should be wanting to go above and beyond for our parents. They have carried her through so many times it's not even funny. They do everything for her short of wiping her ass and because of it they stunt her growth. On their vacation at the end of the summer my PARENTS remodeled her bathroom for her. She wasn't even there, she didn't even help them. My two 61 year old parents had to lug a cast iron bathtub from the garage to the house and install it.... My dad can barely walk up stairs without being winded.
Does my sister feel guilt about any of this? Does she feel gratitude or does she just expect them to do all this for her? I am glad I live 25 miles away from my folks because I would not want to be put in the position to have them so close to expect and be comfortable with them picking up the slack of my life. Yes, I borrow money from my parents even now. And it may take me six months to pay it back. But I do. And I know she doesn't. And though my mom hates giving her money, she always ends up doing it and then getting shafted in the end.
So pardon me if I am a little pissed off that my sister doesn't think my parents are worth a gift of a few hundred bucks after the thousands they have spend on us.
And I have no fucking idea where my sister pulled that "down payment for a condo" from. I am sure from a passing comment my mom might have made, but it just shows the lack of communication on the whole my family shares because I am decades off from even being in such a position. That is a fantasy world I do not live in because I know the reality of my financial situation. Unless I win the lottery I will be renting for years to come. And we know my track record for getting new jobs worthy of my skill.
There's nothing like someone taking the wind out of your sails. I wasn't sure if I should or could before, but now balls to bone I am pretty resolved to get them the new computer and face my mother's guilt trips and my sisters annoyance with me one-upping her in her opinion. They deserve it. Why shouldn't I?
I already feel guilty knowing the stack of things I'll be lugging home that I haven't even asked for yet. And I know next Thursday after Thanksgiving dinner my sister will be furiously pulling ads from the paper and taping them to a piece of looseleaf for my mom to take to the store the following week. And I know I will cave to my mother's demands and come up with my own list because my resolve sucks.
I am not blaming my sister for anything. I just wish she could think about someone else other than herself; not even just "someone else"... but our fucking parents.
Mind you, I love my parents. I really do. They do not need to pay me off for affection. We haven't always been the most stable family, but people go through hard times and grow up. I know that my parents feel a loss of not being able to talk to their one grandchild produced by my intensely selfish brother and his cunt of a wife. And, I know they feel a loss over the fact my sister and I have not, and may well never produce offspring of our own. So, the fantasy of the perfect nuclear family has long since been obliterated.
Now every year around this time my mother urges us for a list of things we want. And she will pretty much get us everything on those lists. So, it's not so much a sense of surprise as a countdown when we open gifts on Xmas morning to see which items are checked off said lists.
And there was a time when I relished this and took advantage of it because I was broke and didn't have the money for DVD players and TVs and what not. But with each passing year it seems to matter less and less and I'd just assume we have a nice dinner together at home than have to haul tons of shit back to my apartment because the gifts don't really matter to me.
It hearkens back to Xmas of 1986 when I got everything I had wanted. And that night I was in my room surrounded by toys and what not, and I cried my eyes out and felt horribly empty. A feeling I would not expect an 11 year old to feel, but I remember it as clear as day. I am sure my SFD would say it was the first time my clinical depression hit. Whatever the case may be, it never felt so horrible to be so spoiled. And in waves for a while the shame of being a spoiled brat has come and gone.
One of the most embarrassing times was the Xmas at The Circus when they gave us a 15% pay cut and I couldn't afford gifts for anyone. To have to receive these tokens that morning and have nothing to even give in the obligatory sense made me feel horrible.
And, I really do see Xmas as a holiday of obligation. Where there biggest and best win, and we are measured by our money and our ingenuity to know other people. Xmas has no spiritual correlation with me anymore. It's a celebration of Capitalism and nothing more. All the good memories I have of it come at a time when i was ignorant to the true meaning of it all. Not when I was innocent, just when I was ignorant.
Now it's coming around again, and my sister and I have to try to figure out the mystery of what our parents want. Not that it matters because my mother will say they need nothing and be upset by any amount of money we spend. We usually get her something cheap off this list she gives my dad at the last minute. My dad usually gets DVDs. Aside from the two or three grand my mom spends on him for clothes for the year and usually one big electronic gift.
Now, for quite a while now their computer at home has been on the fritz. My old man thinks he knows computers and has fucked the thing up more than it already was. It's an HP, which just makes me shudder immediately. And it was built for Windows 98. XP doesn't work on it and now whenever my mom tries to log onto it, most of the time it crashes. They just recently got a DSL at home because my mom found out that I'd been paying for their AOL for the past ten years. And she won't have me spending my money on them.
They need a new computer is the point of all this. I have some extra money from my second job, and it'll just be wasted on drinking anyway. Once I get the NOLA trip paid for that is. They need a new one, my mom doesn't want to spend the money and my dad probably won't get around to it thinking he can somehow fix the shitbox they have. I can get them a new system from Dell, I can load it up with free software from work. I can set them up without an issue and finally my mom can get on the Internet and check her email and maybe be a little less afraid of technology. And my dad can play games on the PC again which he's always enjoyed.
I mentioned this to my sister thinking she might want to go in on part of the gift. Not even half, maybe just like a hundred bucks would have been fine. But. her response... "Mom will be upset if you spend that much. I wouldn't. I am just getting dad the James Bond DVDs and I figured we can go halves on them. Mom would rather you spend that money on a down payment for a condo."
Now, I do love my sister. Let me get that out of the way. And I know she suffers from the same depression I do. So I feel for her pain in life. Things haven't gone the way she's wanted. I can relate.
But if anything SHE is the one that should be wanting to go above and beyond for our parents. They have carried her through so many times it's not even funny. They do everything for her short of wiping her ass and because of it they stunt her growth. On their vacation at the end of the summer my PARENTS remodeled her bathroom for her. She wasn't even there, she didn't even help them. My two 61 year old parents had to lug a cast iron bathtub from the garage to the house and install it.... My dad can barely walk up stairs without being winded.
Does my sister feel guilt about any of this? Does she feel gratitude or does she just expect them to do all this for her? I am glad I live 25 miles away from my folks because I would not want to be put in the position to have them so close to expect and be comfortable with them picking up the slack of my life. Yes, I borrow money from my parents even now. And it may take me six months to pay it back. But I do. And I know she doesn't. And though my mom hates giving her money, she always ends up doing it and then getting shafted in the end.
So pardon me if I am a little pissed off that my sister doesn't think my parents are worth a gift of a few hundred bucks after the thousands they have spend on us.
And I have no fucking idea where my sister pulled that "down payment for a condo" from. I am sure from a passing comment my mom might have made, but it just shows the lack of communication on the whole my family shares because I am decades off from even being in such a position. That is a fantasy world I do not live in because I know the reality of my financial situation. Unless I win the lottery I will be renting for years to come. And we know my track record for getting new jobs worthy of my skill.
There's nothing like someone taking the wind out of your sails. I wasn't sure if I should or could before, but now balls to bone I am pretty resolved to get them the new computer and face my mother's guilt trips and my sisters annoyance with me one-upping her in her opinion. They deserve it. Why shouldn't I?
I already feel guilty knowing the stack of things I'll be lugging home that I haven't even asked for yet. And I know next Thursday after Thanksgiving dinner my sister will be furiously pulling ads from the paper and taping them to a piece of looseleaf for my mom to take to the store the following week. And I know I will cave to my mother's demands and come up with my own list because my resolve sucks.
I am not blaming my sister for anything. I just wish she could think about someone else other than herself; not even just "someone else"... but our fucking parents.