Super Self
The tension and faltering relationship with my mother continues as I've started to almost willfully forget about my "regular" Monday and Friday calls to her. Had the Sicilian not been texting me and asked last Friday about it, I would have completely forgotten. And, of course, the onus is on my to make every call and communication. Because of the game my mother will never call me, using the age-old excuse "I didn't want to bother you at work". An easy way to shirk any responsibility and keep whatever this image of control she has, or perhaps it is one of her desperate cries for attention to feel needed and validated.
This year has just flown by and the inevitable doom of the holidays is fast approaching. No matter how I play the game, I will be "the bad guy". Either because I have to directly say I don't want to do anything because of my sister, or if she doesn't bring it up, and then I decide not to, *I* will be the one who didn't bring it up.
I am exhausted from these games of emotional manipulation and childish behavior that have been occurring for as long as I can remember. As I've said, I always wanted to make excuses for both my parents, but after the situation with my sister exploded and I took a farther step back I could see the larger pattern I had been missing my whole life. With the help of research into toxic family situations and narcissism.
The Sparrow says he thinks my whole family, including my absent brother, were all enmeshed in what the one guy I watch calls the "family super self". But, then I had to ask if that means I am a narcissist or toxic too. But, I don't need to ask because I know I have been. Whether or not I've changed, I am not sure. I do think I am much more conscious of my behaviors. Though I was always pretty self-aware and emotionally intelligent to some degree. The pages of this journal are a testament of that. As I've said when I've reread my writings from decades ago, I am shocked at just how aware I was of what was going on, though I hadn't always put all the pieces together just then.
This situation is not only a struggle against my sister's narcissism or our toxic family, this is a struggle about my own self-identity. Something that was denied to me as a child under the toxic cloud we lived in. And then later something challenged constantly by the toxic school environment, friendships and relationships I had. I've always talked about this idea of how people recreate their toxic environments because, even if they are bad, they are ironically somehow "comfortable" to exist in for people like me. At least we know the misery, so to speak. Most definitely I see how many of my past relationships, both romantic and friend, were bizarre recreations of my family dynamics. I talked frequently about wanting to be around different kinds of people; positive, artsy, creative etc etc... but likely I would have sabotaged those relationships because of the lifelong "training" I had within my toxic family.
Frustration is probably the key emotion I feel regarding my mother currently. I have no issue just cutting my sister out completely. I've been disgusted by her behavior for years and was aware of her bullshit for at least as long as I've been writing. With my mother there's that programmed guilt of going against one's mother, as if it is a "sin" or something. She's always been willfully helpless and overly emotional and used that to control the family. If my sister-in-law was right about one thing before her and my bother cut off the family, it was that.
But when was it that I was going to be allowed to become an adult, my own person?
Maybe it would be boring to be home on Thanksgiving or Christmas. But, am I not allowed to try out that experience for myself? Why should I feel guilty about it?
I would love a big, traditional family Thanksgiving. I'd love to host it. Pull out all the fun china, plan a menu, do a table setting and a centerpiece. Have our house filled with family and friends. I have always fantasized about it. But in my mind I was never allowed because it *always* had to be celebrated at my mom's. Because she hates to travel, and she cannot possibly leave her dogs. Frankly, if she doesn't want to she shouldn't have to... but why does that mean all my choices have to be made to appease her and her weak emotional state.
Does she ever consider her little passed comments about how "far away" our house is don't bother me? When I made sure living in the city, the suburbs or here, that I was always there for them every possible second I could be. How many hours of my New Year's Days did I sacrifice for them over the years, hungover, being there for them to take down their Christmas decorations (if she would even wait for me to). How many Mother's Days did I spend driving out to their house from the city, suburbs or here, on both the Sunday and the Saturday prior, to get her all the flowers she needed for her garden and then planting them all. All while my sister would show up for a few hours, pouting that the attention wasn't on her and often commandeering the dinner plans.
Every Friday I'd be there for lunch. For a period of time there I was also stopping by a few other days a week, just to check on her and my dad and see if they'd need anything. I tried and tried to be there for them both. Maybe because of the toxic programming. Maybe because I was trying to be a "good" son and make up for all the failures I either saw within myself, or the failures they'd explicitly comment on over my life. Maybe I felt guilty because I was gay. I know I did.
I felt guilty because my brother cut off the family and denied them their grandchildren. My sister was a whore and a spinster narcissist who was never going to provide them anything at all. She only existed to take their money. And here I was, the fag, weighed down with guilt for years. A guilt I can feel even now as I delve into the recesses of my mind thinking on this topic. I wasn't perfect and I wasn't what they wanted, but I met someone, got married and thought just "maybe" we could play family on some level. Maybe we could have those big Thanksgiving dinners with my partner and his family and maybe the BIL would have kids and they could be part of the experience and it'd make my mom so happy.
Yet, that was just not allowed to happen. All of it, or the possibility of it, was a threat. Not just to my boorish, entitled sister who was always visibly threatened by these changes that were slowly happening, but by my mother too. The first time they met the Sparrow's family at my house, it was so god awful and uncomfortable. His sister and mother are very personable. His brother-in-law is quiet but very nice. She'd met the BIL I think once before that. It should have been a fun, happy experience. We wanted them to meet because we knew we would be getting married a few months after.
The entire day my mother had that manipulative, quiet emotional look to her face. That is, when she wasn't literally falling asleep sitting there because she works this ridiculous overnight schedule at the grocery store (to this day). So yet again, everything has to revolve around her because no one can make any plans or do anything, especially on the weekends, and if they do it is an inconvenience. There can be no normal family situation because she works this backward schedule when she doesn't even really need to work at all. And the dogs. She always has to mention being "worried" about the dogs being alone, because the dogs are the priority.
And my sister was visibly threatened the whole day. The Sparrow's brother-in-law is a decent looking guy and I knew immediately my sister would be jealous about that. Jealous that the Sparrow's sister had someone and she didn't. Just like she's acted out in jealousy over the Sparrow and I. My sister believes *she* deserves to be married, yet her personality above everything else prevents that from happening. She's a textbook narcissist.
So the two of them, my mother and sister, sat huddled together after dinner in front of the fireplace. My mother nodding off here and there. Neither really making much effort to have conversation. Looking like two sour-puss witches that only needed a cauldron in front of them. How often is the excuse my mom is "tired" valid, because the question has to be asked if she is robbing herself (or other people) of their experiences because of some ridiculous work schedule. And she won't take a day off to make things easier. She'll just literally stay awake for 24 or 34 hours, still go to work, and then attend whatever event she feels "obligated" to go to. And she always expresses how much she doesn't want to go to anything.
This just happened a few weeks ago, when she went to the wedding of one of my cousin's kids. It is almost this martyr complex.
Back when we had that dinner though, I wasn't completely aware of what was happening. I just remember feeling annoyed and a little mad about their behavior, but not really knowing fully (or being able to accept in my head) why. I really didn't want to believe my family would actually do something to try to sabotage things. Yet, I'd known some of the behavior because I had friends who actively tried to sabotage things in my past, including my relationship with the Sparrow.
It makes you feel crazy and you gaslight yourself, asking how you could possibly think someone like family would want to ruin something for you. And beyond the behavior at the dinner, there was always the usual passing comments about things. Once I'd stated our goal to get married (which I honestly hesitated to do because I just didn't want my family to know but realized it wasn't something I could or should have to hide) the little comments started coming in. My mother repeating many times "It's not the same when you live with someone"... over and over. As if to chip away at my resolve. Not that it would have stopped me.
My dad when he was alive outright saying I was full of shit when I told him our plan was to do so, sell my current house and get one together. "Bullshit! You're not selling your house!"...
All tapping into my lifelong experience of my family dismissing and diminishing most every statement that came out of my mouth. It wasn't new, but I was starting to see it all differently. I was starting to see they were not perfect nor should they be allowed to get away with such behavior simply because they are "family". Clearly, their interests were in themselves.
And even still their tentacles pull at me. Even my dead father still rings in my head about "taking care" of my mother. Why should I have to? She's an adult. She's not an invalid. She's not incapable. She's not helpless. She just pretends to be for constant reassurance and validation.
I tell myself if I had kids and I was straight, and we had in-laws close by, there would be nothing wrong with us splitting holidays or having our own. Then again, I say that right now and think of my family and realize even then they would likely somehow attempt to sabotage or destroy things. I want to say there's some scenario where, if I wasn't gay, I'd be treated like an adult and respected. But, it has nothing to do with that. This is how my family is and has always been. Changing a few details would not changed this deep-rooted dysfunction that existed before I was even born.
My parents were damaged people. They had kids and damaged them. I don't know my brother but I can only assume my sister is the most damaged of the three of us. Being the youngest, I was likely ignored on some level while all these other dramas were occurring. Damaged yes, but somehow escaping some of it, which allowed me to semi-develop into my own person enough to become aware of it all.
True, it took me over forty years to finally put all the pieces together. But, I would rather that than be trapped and completely enmeshed in the toxicity. I would surely be alone then. Maybe even living in the house right next to my mother. Being there to dote on her and rescue her at every opportunity. I really did consider buying a house on their block, or very, very near them. I was about 15 minutes away when I did buy my first one, but I'd considered much closer. Thinking I needed to *be* there for them. Programmed to think so.
I have no reason to feel guilty for wanting to spend a holiday at home. But, I do feel guilty and have to constantly keep repeating it to myself. None of this would even be happening if it wasn't for my sister. I am really thankful in a way that it did, because I already found holidays so insufferable having to listen to her go on and on about herself while always commenting about wanting my mother dead so she could have her money.
It sounds like a horrible thing to say, but I wish my mother wasn't around sometimes because the stress and choking toxicity has become too much to bear. People think my mother is this nice, sweet woman. And maybe on some level she is, though I am starting to see it as just another manipulation. But there is another side to her and that is the side I am exhausted from dealing with for a lifetime. I think about all the "good" things she has done for me over the years and I wonder how much of it was genuine and how much of it was some kind of manipulation.
I feel when I talk to her on the phone even now, she doesn't really care about most anything I am saying to her. Nor does she remember it half the time. And it is not because she is old and is losing her memory. She's never really cared. My family as a whole never really listened when I talked. So many moments and images in my head of family gatherings and such when I would be cutoff mid-sentence or I would simply stop talking and no one would even notice.
It is a very hard thing for a person to admit and come to terms with the fact that their family, or whoever they are close to, simply does not actually care about them, what they have to say or what is going on in their lives. You say it, but you don't want to believe it. You look to yourself and think, am I this way? Do I care about what other people say to me? Are these traits in me because I am related to them?
I've had thoughts about how this was about proving a point or "winning" against my sister. Another element of the toxic environment. Her behavior has been consistent for over 20 years and she is not going to change. Certainly not by any stance I take. I think about how I was genuinely worried last year about putting my mother "in the middle" by cutting my sister off. But, my mother fawned over and appeased my sister even after the ridiculous display at Thanksgiving. My mother is part of the problem. My sister's behavior continues in part because of my mother. My mother is her "supply", she enables the behavior and has for years. My father was never even allowed to criticize her behavior.
If I just didn't have to deal with any of it, it would be a relief. Perhaps it's cold, but I would feel free if I was just rid of the both of them from my life. I tasted independence from my father before he died, when I had that epiphany about his behavior. And I'd known for years before my parents were holding me back from growing into adulthood. It didn't take his death for me to awaken to this, he just happened to die shortly after. I am not saying I wish my mother was dead, but for some reason this awakening with her and separating from the toxicity feels harder. The pull feels stronger. The guilt is almost overwhelming.
It is not even in anything she says, but in what is not said. In the awful, awkward conversations we have where we talk about next to nothing. This guilt over not having seen or visited her since Mother's Day. The pressure that it is all "on me". Even though she makes no effort to engage. She never calls me. She never invites me over. She certainly never inquires about coming to visit here. I do not even mention it anymore, but she still gets her digs in when I talk about the Boss and his commuting from his new house here to his old house. She'll make that little comment about "how far" it is. She cannot help herself. She wants me to know she disapproves of these choices I've made. And I am fucking sick of it.
How many more years must this go on? How much longer will she be around? I know there are many people out there in similar or worse situations who understand completely the position I am in and the emotions I am feeling. And I do not think there is anything wrong with what I am saying or feeling. As much as I can be, I feel I am in the right.
But the guilt is so powerful, it is almost suffocating. And that is the point. That is the control. That is how this thing lives on and has for decades. I am not only fighting against her specific behavior. This is about a lifetime of programming, and what was truly abuse, from this toxic family dynamic. That "family super self". It was, and is, abuse. Emotional abuse, manipulation, traumas all swirling around in this nasty, cloudy soup that chokes out any sense of independence or self.
I've tasted the clean air outside of that cloud. They know I have. This cannot be allowed. The drama isn't over, I just don't know which tactic to expect next. And I shouldn't have to be wasting time and energy worrying about any of it. So in that way, this toxicity is still controlling my life.
This year has just flown by and the inevitable doom of the holidays is fast approaching. No matter how I play the game, I will be "the bad guy". Either because I have to directly say I don't want to do anything because of my sister, or if she doesn't bring it up, and then I decide not to, *I* will be the one who didn't bring it up.
I am exhausted from these games of emotional manipulation and childish behavior that have been occurring for as long as I can remember. As I've said, I always wanted to make excuses for both my parents, but after the situation with my sister exploded and I took a farther step back I could see the larger pattern I had been missing my whole life. With the help of research into toxic family situations and narcissism.
The Sparrow says he thinks my whole family, including my absent brother, were all enmeshed in what the one guy I watch calls the "family super self". But, then I had to ask if that means I am a narcissist or toxic too. But, I don't need to ask because I know I have been. Whether or not I've changed, I am not sure. I do think I am much more conscious of my behaviors. Though I was always pretty self-aware and emotionally intelligent to some degree. The pages of this journal are a testament of that. As I've said when I've reread my writings from decades ago, I am shocked at just how aware I was of what was going on, though I hadn't always put all the pieces together just then.
This situation is not only a struggle against my sister's narcissism or our toxic family, this is a struggle about my own self-identity. Something that was denied to me as a child under the toxic cloud we lived in. And then later something challenged constantly by the toxic school environment, friendships and relationships I had. I've always talked about this idea of how people recreate their toxic environments because, even if they are bad, they are ironically somehow "comfortable" to exist in for people like me. At least we know the misery, so to speak. Most definitely I see how many of my past relationships, both romantic and friend, were bizarre recreations of my family dynamics. I talked frequently about wanting to be around different kinds of people; positive, artsy, creative etc etc... but likely I would have sabotaged those relationships because of the lifelong "training" I had within my toxic family.
Frustration is probably the key emotion I feel regarding my mother currently. I have no issue just cutting my sister out completely. I've been disgusted by her behavior for years and was aware of her bullshit for at least as long as I've been writing. With my mother there's that programmed guilt of going against one's mother, as if it is a "sin" or something. She's always been willfully helpless and overly emotional and used that to control the family. If my sister-in-law was right about one thing before her and my bother cut off the family, it was that.
But when was it that I was going to be allowed to become an adult, my own person?
Maybe it would be boring to be home on Thanksgiving or Christmas. But, am I not allowed to try out that experience for myself? Why should I feel guilty about it?
I would love a big, traditional family Thanksgiving. I'd love to host it. Pull out all the fun china, plan a menu, do a table setting and a centerpiece. Have our house filled with family and friends. I have always fantasized about it. But in my mind I was never allowed because it *always* had to be celebrated at my mom's. Because she hates to travel, and she cannot possibly leave her dogs. Frankly, if she doesn't want to she shouldn't have to... but why does that mean all my choices have to be made to appease her and her weak emotional state.
Does she ever consider her little passed comments about how "far away" our house is don't bother me? When I made sure living in the city, the suburbs or here, that I was always there for them every possible second I could be. How many hours of my New Year's Days did I sacrifice for them over the years, hungover, being there for them to take down their Christmas decorations (if she would even wait for me to). How many Mother's Days did I spend driving out to their house from the city, suburbs or here, on both the Sunday and the Saturday prior, to get her all the flowers she needed for her garden and then planting them all. All while my sister would show up for a few hours, pouting that the attention wasn't on her and often commandeering the dinner plans.
Every Friday I'd be there for lunch. For a period of time there I was also stopping by a few other days a week, just to check on her and my dad and see if they'd need anything. I tried and tried to be there for them both. Maybe because of the toxic programming. Maybe because I was trying to be a "good" son and make up for all the failures I either saw within myself, or the failures they'd explicitly comment on over my life. Maybe I felt guilty because I was gay. I know I did.
I felt guilty because my brother cut off the family and denied them their grandchildren. My sister was a whore and a spinster narcissist who was never going to provide them anything at all. She only existed to take their money. And here I was, the fag, weighed down with guilt for years. A guilt I can feel even now as I delve into the recesses of my mind thinking on this topic. I wasn't perfect and I wasn't what they wanted, but I met someone, got married and thought just "maybe" we could play family on some level. Maybe we could have those big Thanksgiving dinners with my partner and his family and maybe the BIL would have kids and they could be part of the experience and it'd make my mom so happy.
Yet, that was just not allowed to happen. All of it, or the possibility of it, was a threat. Not just to my boorish, entitled sister who was always visibly threatened by these changes that were slowly happening, but by my mother too. The first time they met the Sparrow's family at my house, it was so god awful and uncomfortable. His sister and mother are very personable. His brother-in-law is quiet but very nice. She'd met the BIL I think once before that. It should have been a fun, happy experience. We wanted them to meet because we knew we would be getting married a few months after.
The entire day my mother had that manipulative, quiet emotional look to her face. That is, when she wasn't literally falling asleep sitting there because she works this ridiculous overnight schedule at the grocery store (to this day). So yet again, everything has to revolve around her because no one can make any plans or do anything, especially on the weekends, and if they do it is an inconvenience. There can be no normal family situation because she works this backward schedule when she doesn't even really need to work at all. And the dogs. She always has to mention being "worried" about the dogs being alone, because the dogs are the priority.
And my sister was visibly threatened the whole day. The Sparrow's brother-in-law is a decent looking guy and I knew immediately my sister would be jealous about that. Jealous that the Sparrow's sister had someone and she didn't. Just like she's acted out in jealousy over the Sparrow and I. My sister believes *she* deserves to be married, yet her personality above everything else prevents that from happening. She's a textbook narcissist.
So the two of them, my mother and sister, sat huddled together after dinner in front of the fireplace. My mother nodding off here and there. Neither really making much effort to have conversation. Looking like two sour-puss witches that only needed a cauldron in front of them. How often is the excuse my mom is "tired" valid, because the question has to be asked if she is robbing herself (or other people) of their experiences because of some ridiculous work schedule. And she won't take a day off to make things easier. She'll just literally stay awake for 24 or 34 hours, still go to work, and then attend whatever event she feels "obligated" to go to. And she always expresses how much she doesn't want to go to anything.
This just happened a few weeks ago, when she went to the wedding of one of my cousin's kids. It is almost this martyr complex.
Back when we had that dinner though, I wasn't completely aware of what was happening. I just remember feeling annoyed and a little mad about their behavior, but not really knowing fully (or being able to accept in my head) why. I really didn't want to believe my family would actually do something to try to sabotage things. Yet, I'd known some of the behavior because I had friends who actively tried to sabotage things in my past, including my relationship with the Sparrow.
It makes you feel crazy and you gaslight yourself, asking how you could possibly think someone like family would want to ruin something for you. And beyond the behavior at the dinner, there was always the usual passing comments about things. Once I'd stated our goal to get married (which I honestly hesitated to do because I just didn't want my family to know but realized it wasn't something I could or should have to hide) the little comments started coming in. My mother repeating many times "It's not the same when you live with someone"... over and over. As if to chip away at my resolve. Not that it would have stopped me.
My dad when he was alive outright saying I was full of shit when I told him our plan was to do so, sell my current house and get one together. "Bullshit! You're not selling your house!"...
All tapping into my lifelong experience of my family dismissing and diminishing most every statement that came out of my mouth. It wasn't new, but I was starting to see it all differently. I was starting to see they were not perfect nor should they be allowed to get away with such behavior simply because they are "family". Clearly, their interests were in themselves.
And even still their tentacles pull at me. Even my dead father still rings in my head about "taking care" of my mother. Why should I have to? She's an adult. She's not an invalid. She's not incapable. She's not helpless. She just pretends to be for constant reassurance and validation.
I tell myself if I had kids and I was straight, and we had in-laws close by, there would be nothing wrong with us splitting holidays or having our own. Then again, I say that right now and think of my family and realize even then they would likely somehow attempt to sabotage or destroy things. I want to say there's some scenario where, if I wasn't gay, I'd be treated like an adult and respected. But, it has nothing to do with that. This is how my family is and has always been. Changing a few details would not changed this deep-rooted dysfunction that existed before I was even born.
My parents were damaged people. They had kids and damaged them. I don't know my brother but I can only assume my sister is the most damaged of the three of us. Being the youngest, I was likely ignored on some level while all these other dramas were occurring. Damaged yes, but somehow escaping some of it, which allowed me to semi-develop into my own person enough to become aware of it all.
True, it took me over forty years to finally put all the pieces together. But, I would rather that than be trapped and completely enmeshed in the toxicity. I would surely be alone then. Maybe even living in the house right next to my mother. Being there to dote on her and rescue her at every opportunity. I really did consider buying a house on their block, or very, very near them. I was about 15 minutes away when I did buy my first one, but I'd considered much closer. Thinking I needed to *be* there for them. Programmed to think so.
I have no reason to feel guilty for wanting to spend a holiday at home. But, I do feel guilty and have to constantly keep repeating it to myself. None of this would even be happening if it wasn't for my sister. I am really thankful in a way that it did, because I already found holidays so insufferable having to listen to her go on and on about herself while always commenting about wanting my mother dead so she could have her money.
It sounds like a horrible thing to say, but I wish my mother wasn't around sometimes because the stress and choking toxicity has become too much to bear. People think my mother is this nice, sweet woman. And maybe on some level she is, though I am starting to see it as just another manipulation. But there is another side to her and that is the side I am exhausted from dealing with for a lifetime. I think about all the "good" things she has done for me over the years and I wonder how much of it was genuine and how much of it was some kind of manipulation.
I feel when I talk to her on the phone even now, she doesn't really care about most anything I am saying to her. Nor does she remember it half the time. And it is not because she is old and is losing her memory. She's never really cared. My family as a whole never really listened when I talked. So many moments and images in my head of family gatherings and such when I would be cutoff mid-sentence or I would simply stop talking and no one would even notice.
It is a very hard thing for a person to admit and come to terms with the fact that their family, or whoever they are close to, simply does not actually care about them, what they have to say or what is going on in their lives. You say it, but you don't want to believe it. You look to yourself and think, am I this way? Do I care about what other people say to me? Are these traits in me because I am related to them?
I've had thoughts about how this was about proving a point or "winning" against my sister. Another element of the toxic environment. Her behavior has been consistent for over 20 years and she is not going to change. Certainly not by any stance I take. I think about how I was genuinely worried last year about putting my mother "in the middle" by cutting my sister off. But, my mother fawned over and appeased my sister even after the ridiculous display at Thanksgiving. My mother is part of the problem. My sister's behavior continues in part because of my mother. My mother is her "supply", she enables the behavior and has for years. My father was never even allowed to criticize her behavior.
If I just didn't have to deal with any of it, it would be a relief. Perhaps it's cold, but I would feel free if I was just rid of the both of them from my life. I tasted independence from my father before he died, when I had that epiphany about his behavior. And I'd known for years before my parents were holding me back from growing into adulthood. It didn't take his death for me to awaken to this, he just happened to die shortly after. I am not saying I wish my mother was dead, but for some reason this awakening with her and separating from the toxicity feels harder. The pull feels stronger. The guilt is almost overwhelming.
It is not even in anything she says, but in what is not said. In the awful, awkward conversations we have where we talk about next to nothing. This guilt over not having seen or visited her since Mother's Day. The pressure that it is all "on me". Even though she makes no effort to engage. She never calls me. She never invites me over. She certainly never inquires about coming to visit here. I do not even mention it anymore, but she still gets her digs in when I talk about the Boss and his commuting from his new house here to his old house. She'll make that little comment about "how far" it is. She cannot help herself. She wants me to know she disapproves of these choices I've made. And I am fucking sick of it.
How many more years must this go on? How much longer will she be around? I know there are many people out there in similar or worse situations who understand completely the position I am in and the emotions I am feeling. And I do not think there is anything wrong with what I am saying or feeling. As much as I can be, I feel I am in the right.
But the guilt is so powerful, it is almost suffocating. And that is the point. That is the control. That is how this thing lives on and has for decades. I am not only fighting against her specific behavior. This is about a lifetime of programming, and what was truly abuse, from this toxic family dynamic. That "family super self". It was, and is, abuse. Emotional abuse, manipulation, traumas all swirling around in this nasty, cloudy soup that chokes out any sense of independence or self.
I've tasted the clean air outside of that cloud. They know I have. This cannot be allowed. The drama isn't over, I just don't know which tactic to expect next. And I shouldn't have to be wasting time and energy worrying about any of it. So in that way, this toxicity is still controlling my life.