All That Pussy Allows
First day back to work since last Thursday. Though I still feel like the holiday mentality is going to carry through to Friday, with next week being like the "official" start of work in 2024. I should have done my time last week, but I am an idiot. Now I need to focus on that this morning. I had originally told the Meat Packer I'd be there today, but I am going to switch that to tomorrow. I can't jump right back into it, I need to ease in.
It looks like we will likely be canceling the trip to New Orleans. With the uncertainty over Apollo's health, neither of us wants to leave him in the hands of some third party. He definitely needs a little extra attention a house sitter likely wouldn't know how to give. I am a bit resentful and bitter about this. I am not blaming my feline companion, he cannot help his health issues. Nor would I want to take him to the vet to have him put down out of convenience for us. It's really a no-win scenario.
My bitterness comes from the fact that this vacation was going to be an escape for me from the routine and the metaphorical chain around my neck having to carry the bulk of responsibility for these animals. The Sparrow doesn't really get how these cats suck the life out of me day to day. He thinks when he gets home at night and I am moody and removed that it means I had a bad day and I don't want to give him attention. The truth of it is I am so exhausted from giving attention to these fucking animals all day I have nothing left for him.
Hell, yesterday we barely did anything but lounge around on the couch. And almost the entire day I had one or another cat parked on my lap, crawling all over me, sitting on my chest. Meanwhile, my sciatica was acting up. I couldn't get comfortable. I was moody about going back to work. And these cats just sit there and suck the life out of me by being present.
These sentiments are a far cry from a few weeks ago when I was extolling the benefit and gift Apollo has been in my life. But, one reflects differently on things in a crisis versus the slog of the regular day. I like these pets just fine. But, I need a fucking break from them. And this trip to Mardi Gras was supposed to be that break. And now, due solely to the very animals I need a break from, we have to cancel. Again, I am not blaming Apollo nor am I wishing for him to die. It's pointless now as we will have to decide in two days if we are canceling, otherwise we'll lose our deposit. There's barely time to be mad about it.
The Bro-In-Law and Gayle canceled already, blaming money. Though they seem to have money to be hitting the casinos and buying weed. But, the Sparrow doesn't like when I make comments like that. I let the Doctor know, and he thinks he'll be fine to cancel as well, though I know he made sure months ago he was able to get the time off for it. And I know he understands about the cat. It's just shitty all the way around.
So 2024 will be another year I am trapped in this cycle of feline care-giving. Day in and out in this fucking house saving the world's cats. I must just be anxious about work today, but the whole thing has me in the foulest of moods. In fact, I can't remember the last time I felt *this* foul on any given day. Even during some pretty stressful events at work I never felt this bitter in the past year. It just feels like there's always this force working against me.
I also had a stressful dream involving the Sparrow meeting up with an old friend of his. It was this short, potato-shaped woman with short, short black hair and tiny bangs across the front, wearing large, black glasses. It's not a real person he knows, just someone in a dream. I've frequently had these kind of dreams where I am meeting these people from his past and I am left feeling like some kind of outsider.
In this one, we went to see a movie and the two of them sat in the seats in front of me for some unknown reason. This troll woman proceeded to fawn all over him, try kissing him and grabbing on him for who knows how long before I finally leaned forward and commented about how inappropriate it was. Instead of agreeing to my point though, the Sparrow nicely excused himself to her and then left the theater. I went chasing after him but couldn't find him for an extended period of time before running into him in the lobby, where he was talking to some other girl friend and basically ignoring that anything had happened. Making me feel crazier.
I am sure the dream could be analyzed as having something to do with my own fears of abandonment or something. Though comically, when we first met the Sparrow would often toss me into a situation with his friends and then walk away to go to the bathroom, leaving me in this awkward place of having to carry conversations with strangers, since it seemed that none of his friends were willing or knew how to engage in conversations with people they didn't know.
Cats, work, family... I am not sure if it's one single thing or the combo that just has me feeling out of sorts and conflicted today. Trapped and suffocating. Maybe I should have gone to the Meat Packer, as it would have gotten me out of the house.
One other thing I was thinking about was how I wrote that letter to my brother's daughter concerning my mother, and this bitch never reached out. I cannot say for sure if she ever got the card. On Christmas day my sister was all puffed up and proud she'd found pictures of my brother and his son on Facebook. We'd never known for sure if he had any other kids or not, but apparently he has a son that's a senior in high school. Funny thing, the picture of my brother showed him wearing one of these Irish-looking hats my dad used to wear all the time. So he supposedly hates the man, but he's still dressing just like him.
I was conflicted if there was any benefit to my sister showing my mom these pictures. I know she was doing it just to "win" the day, like she does with everything. Acting like she was the "Internet savvy" one who discovered the pics. Though, it is clear Facebook is a tool for morons, so the task was not difficult. But, did it benefit my mom to show her this stuff? Wouldn't it only reinforce her feelings of abandonment and loss reminding her she's missed out on 20-plus years of these people's lives? Is that something worth bringing up on Christmas?
I have a feeling my cow sister likely has tried contacting these kids in the past. Which would be a good explanation why my letter prompted no response. My sister has no tact, and is a self-centered bitch as has been clearly established. If she reached out to the daughter, no doubt it made the girl never want to speak to my family again. My sister has all the subtlety of a bull in a china shop... and she's about as large too.
Since we are not going to New Orleans, my vote is using some of the savings to make extra mortgage payments. At least we could get one step forward to total financial freedom. Maybe in that fantasy future I could find a way of retiring from work.
It looks like we will likely be canceling the trip to New Orleans. With the uncertainty over Apollo's health, neither of us wants to leave him in the hands of some third party. He definitely needs a little extra attention a house sitter likely wouldn't know how to give. I am a bit resentful and bitter about this. I am not blaming my feline companion, he cannot help his health issues. Nor would I want to take him to the vet to have him put down out of convenience for us. It's really a no-win scenario.
My bitterness comes from the fact that this vacation was going to be an escape for me from the routine and the metaphorical chain around my neck having to carry the bulk of responsibility for these animals. The Sparrow doesn't really get how these cats suck the life out of me day to day. He thinks when he gets home at night and I am moody and removed that it means I had a bad day and I don't want to give him attention. The truth of it is I am so exhausted from giving attention to these fucking animals all day I have nothing left for him.
Hell, yesterday we barely did anything but lounge around on the couch. And almost the entire day I had one or another cat parked on my lap, crawling all over me, sitting on my chest. Meanwhile, my sciatica was acting up. I couldn't get comfortable. I was moody about going back to work. And these cats just sit there and suck the life out of me by being present.
These sentiments are a far cry from a few weeks ago when I was extolling the benefit and gift Apollo has been in my life. But, one reflects differently on things in a crisis versus the slog of the regular day. I like these pets just fine. But, I need a fucking break from them. And this trip to Mardi Gras was supposed to be that break. And now, due solely to the very animals I need a break from, we have to cancel. Again, I am not blaming Apollo nor am I wishing for him to die. It's pointless now as we will have to decide in two days if we are canceling, otherwise we'll lose our deposit. There's barely time to be mad about it.
The Bro-In-Law and Gayle canceled already, blaming money. Though they seem to have money to be hitting the casinos and buying weed. But, the Sparrow doesn't like when I make comments like that. I let the Doctor know, and he thinks he'll be fine to cancel as well, though I know he made sure months ago he was able to get the time off for it. And I know he understands about the cat. It's just shitty all the way around.
So 2024 will be another year I am trapped in this cycle of feline care-giving. Day in and out in this fucking house saving the world's cats. I must just be anxious about work today, but the whole thing has me in the foulest of moods. In fact, I can't remember the last time I felt *this* foul on any given day. Even during some pretty stressful events at work I never felt this bitter in the past year. It just feels like there's always this force working against me.
I also had a stressful dream involving the Sparrow meeting up with an old friend of his. It was this short, potato-shaped woman with short, short black hair and tiny bangs across the front, wearing large, black glasses. It's not a real person he knows, just someone in a dream. I've frequently had these kind of dreams where I am meeting these people from his past and I am left feeling like some kind of outsider.
In this one, we went to see a movie and the two of them sat in the seats in front of me for some unknown reason. This troll woman proceeded to fawn all over him, try kissing him and grabbing on him for who knows how long before I finally leaned forward and commented about how inappropriate it was. Instead of agreeing to my point though, the Sparrow nicely excused himself to her and then left the theater. I went chasing after him but couldn't find him for an extended period of time before running into him in the lobby, where he was talking to some other girl friend and basically ignoring that anything had happened. Making me feel crazier.
I am sure the dream could be analyzed as having something to do with my own fears of abandonment or something. Though comically, when we first met the Sparrow would often toss me into a situation with his friends and then walk away to go to the bathroom, leaving me in this awkward place of having to carry conversations with strangers, since it seemed that none of his friends were willing or knew how to engage in conversations with people they didn't know.
Cats, work, family... I am not sure if it's one single thing or the combo that just has me feeling out of sorts and conflicted today. Trapped and suffocating. Maybe I should have gone to the Meat Packer, as it would have gotten me out of the house.
One other thing I was thinking about was how I wrote that letter to my brother's daughter concerning my mother, and this bitch never reached out. I cannot say for sure if she ever got the card. On Christmas day my sister was all puffed up and proud she'd found pictures of my brother and his son on Facebook. We'd never known for sure if he had any other kids or not, but apparently he has a son that's a senior in high school. Funny thing, the picture of my brother showed him wearing one of these Irish-looking hats my dad used to wear all the time. So he supposedly hates the man, but he's still dressing just like him.
I was conflicted if there was any benefit to my sister showing my mom these pictures. I know she was doing it just to "win" the day, like she does with everything. Acting like she was the "Internet savvy" one who discovered the pics. Though, it is clear Facebook is a tool for morons, so the task was not difficult. But, did it benefit my mom to show her this stuff? Wouldn't it only reinforce her feelings of abandonment and loss reminding her she's missed out on 20-plus years of these people's lives? Is that something worth bringing up on Christmas?
I have a feeling my cow sister likely has tried contacting these kids in the past. Which would be a good explanation why my letter prompted no response. My sister has no tact, and is a self-centered bitch as has been clearly established. If she reached out to the daughter, no doubt it made the girl never want to speak to my family again. My sister has all the subtlety of a bull in a china shop... and she's about as large too.
Since we are not going to New Orleans, my vote is using some of the savings to make extra mortgage payments. At least we could get one step forward to total financial freedom. Maybe in that fantasy future I could find a way of retiring from work.