Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.
It was inevitable, yet I somehow fooled myself into thinking it'd be left alone.
I called my mother for our usual Friday call. It was obvious from the start she was wanting to say "something", but was holding back. She is anything if not totally predictable and as readable as a 'Dick and Jane' book. And then it came...
"Have you called your sister since she went into the hospital?"
This began a twenty minute conversation in which I was the only one talking and my mother was on the other end of the phone silently weeping.
I told her I had not and that just because she went into the hospital, it doesn't suddenly wash away what happened at Thanksgiving or the two plus decades before that that she has acted like a self-involved, entitled bitch who literally expects and demands every dollar of my mother's money and marks every item in my mother's house as her own, that will fall into her possession as soon as my mother has the courtesy to die.
And I reiterated to her, yet again, that every family gathering and every conversation where I am present, my sister comments about how our mother still being alive is somehow preventing my sister from having this magical, perfect life in Tennessee of all places. That her life is screwed up and unfulfilling because our parents never took us on vacations as kids. None of this or more is simply forgiven because she got sick.
My mother then had the balls, to which I credit her for trying, to say "Why don't YOU call her up and lay this all out on the table with her?"... I laughed. "Me?"... I reminded her that my sister does not EVER think she does ANYTHING wrong. Any issue she's come up on in life, any financial problem, any work issue, her weight problems... ANYTHING and everything that happens to my sister, she is merely the victim of and takes zero personal responsibility for any of it.
I retorted by asking if she (my sister) called me up after her behavior on Thanksgiving, and asked why it was my mother would suggest I do such a thing knowing my sister does not think she did anything wrong and that her behavior was righteous and justified. I reminded her yet again that what happened on Thanksgiving was NOT normal. That my sister threw a temper tantrum in front of guests and people she'd only just met over the fact that I wanted to have Christmas spending be cut back (by my mother) because it was ridiculous that she be spending thousands of dollars on us as adults, buying toilet paper and paper towels and household items and such.
I reminded her that my sister lashed out like a child whose toy was taken away and attacked me for somehow being like our cunt sister-in-law, because I dared suggest we try to find more meaning in the holiday beyond the materialism. She then attacked our "dual incomes", suggesting that I simply did not want the gifts anymore because (in her mind) we (the Sparrow and I) are now rich. And that I fully accepted the gifts before when I "needed them".
I reminded her that my sister sat there, righteously, throwing a tantrum while accusing *ME* of being wrong, unhinged and enraged. And that everyone else just sat there and let her act that way. She does not think she did anything wrong. She does however think *I* did something wrong by attempting to take away all this money and material items that my mother is constantly showering her with. In her mind, *I* was in the wrong.
I asked her to tell me how it was I was supposed to have a conversation with a person who is not able to admit any fault in their character, who expects that everyone drop everything for her all the time with absolutely no reciprocation unless it somehow benefits her.
I also said it was a good thing my mother was around, because I sure as hell was not going to be driving to my sister's house twice a day to deal with her unruly, out-of-control mongrels that have destroyed the new house she is living in. My mother snipped with a bit of attitude that she "knew" I would never do such a thing. But then, as if she'd been ruminating about this next line all week, she retorted by saying that if the Bro-In-Law was in the hospital she "KNOWS" I'd be right there immediately to visit him and help out. She said it in a way as if she "caught" me in some wrong or something.
I responded by saying yes, that I absolutely probably would be at the hospital and helping out. But that my Bro-In-Law was not an entitled bitch who demanded things of me all the time but gave nothing worthwhile in return. This irked me that she would try to make some correlation here. She knows full well when my father was in the hospital, I was right there every day to help out or visit. And I should have reminded her, when my dad was in hospice at home, only two of us were there when he died. My sister was not present. She was off letting her mongrels out or something. She could have cared less about being there to help, except for with the finances, which she jumped on faster than a jackrabbit in heat when the time came to deal with those.
I just continued on and on as my mother sobbed in the background. She'd brought up before the conversation turned to this, but again after, how this gallbladder thing was "very serious" and had they not caught it in time my sister likely would have "developed sepsis, which is fatal... she would have died". I feel like in my mother's child-like mind, she thinks saying these things will somehow change *my* mind on the situation and that I'll come running back with open arms to hug my sister and forgive all.
And I even said, perhaps *I* am the asshole here. But, that none of this suddenly washes away my sister consistent patterns of selfish behavior for years upon years. That this suddenly doesn't forgive her blaming our parents for not giving her vacations and money nor does it forgive her constantly reminding my mother that her being alive still is somehow holding my sister back.
I really started to question if *I* was the crazy one here. If *I* was somehow in the wrong.
And then my mother, in her simple way, started crying about wanting all her kids to "get along". And I told her point blank, I can absolutely get along. That is not the issue here. The issue is my sister's entitled, narcissistic behavior. It's her thinking and commenting constantly that she is above it all and is owed all of it. How my mother can sit there and try putting this on me, when she's witnessed the behavior and ADMITTED that it exists and that it DOES bother her too. And to the point about her asking why *I* don't confront this with a conversation with my sister, I reminded her that the reason SHE (my mother) has not broached any of this with my sister is because SHE is afraid of her and her reaction. And that alone says volumes about how pointless any conversation would be.
My sister does not for a microsecond think she has done anything wrong. Not here and not in her entire life.
I told my mother that we were all adults. And that any choices or behavior were no longer anything that could be blamed on our parents or decisions my mother has made (though I didn't comment on how my mother enables the bad behavior). My sister, like me, is a grown person. She makes every choice in her life. NONE of this has anything to do with parenting choices made 40 years ago. And it is ridiculous how my mother wants to keep going back to that. And I told her that she's only doing it to feel sorry for herself. That she in someway also wants to be the victim here.
Then I went as far as to say that the reason my sister has NO relationships or anyone close in her life and constantly complains about being lonely is because of HER own behavior and HER choices. I told my mother that it is not the fault of every man on earth that my sister can't find a date, a relationship or a husband. It is not the fault of everyone else that she comes into contact with. SHE is the consistent factor in all her failed relationships. And I said that I've just come to the same point all these other guys and all her former girlfriends all came to. My sister is NOT the poor victim here... what has happened is the consequences of her behavior and her actions.
She can't blame that on mommy and daddy. She can't blame the patriarchy. She can't blame her income. She can't blame life. SHE made all these choices.
The more things went on, the more I realized my mother also seems to exhibit some of the same behaviors. She wants to be the victim in this whole thing. She whines about why *her* family is "so screwed up", as if everyone else doesn't have their own issues. But, nope... not to my mother. In my mother's eyes we are the only family with problems and she almost seems to relish being able to be the victim of it all.
These are all conversations my dad has had with her in the past. And I know from my father, that my mother just blamed it all on him and his attitude. Which, maybe he was to blame on some level, as in my research I realize he often displayed many of the same narcissistic characteristics as my sister.
I told my mom that I can't even feel anything about this situation if I wanted to. A wall has gone up inside me for me to protect myself from all this drama. It's the same wall I'd erect when friendships went bad or relationships were failing. I am not going to sit there and feel like I've done anything wrong (this time).
The facts are very simple, and I laid them out for the 100th time. All I wanted to do was have a very innocuous conversation about cutting back on Christmas spending, mainly to take the financial burden off of our mother. I found out after the fact my sister had already once become enraged about this before the day was even upon us at Thanksgiving. She IMMEDIATELY lashed out at me when the conversation started. I reminded my mother that there were FIVE other people there, and they all witnessed my sister's behavior. That I was not imagining her reaction or embellishing it. She threw a full-blown tantrum.
And the reason? Because she expects our mother every year to spend over one thousand dollars on her for Christmas. She has ZERO conscience about this. She does zero reflection on it. She never asks if it's too much. She never wonders about the burden it puts on our mother to spend the money for starters, but also the physical efforts it takes for my mom to carry some of the items which sometimes are upwards of 60 lbs or more. My sister spends not one fucking second thinking on any of this.
All she thinks about is what she is owed (in her mind).
Now, I understand why my mother wants *ME* to be the one to initiate a conversation. Because she knows, for all my faults, that I am at least articulate and logical in all of what I am saying. She knows and agreed with all the reasons why this entire thing was upsetting and wrong. But, she is afraid of my sister, and knows my sister doesn't think she's wrong, so she'd rather turn the onus on me.
I told her very clearly that I loved her (which felt cliche, but she desperately longs for constant validation on this point), and I said that I was sorry she feels like she is in the middle of this. But, that I was no longer going to just stand by while my sister acted this way, nor would I sit there and have her talk to me the way she did on Thanksgiving and then pretend nothing happened.
I don't need a relationship with my sister. And like my brother before her, I barely have ever had the semblance of one to begin with. My sister has only ever worried about herself. She's thought of no one else, except when it somehow benefits her. If that wasn't the case, there would have been no temper tantrum at Thanksgiving. She would have understood completely the point I was trying to make and would have had the empathy for our mother's situation and her finances. But, my sister simply did not give a flying fuck. She only wanted what she believes she is owed... which is every single dollar to my mother's name.
I told my mother she desperately needs to talk to her sister or my two cousins that she's close to. I said that she's stuck "in the middle" of this situation with my sister and I, and that it was unhealthy for her not to have someone on the outside to vent to and perhaps get a different perspective on things. But, my mother is so terrified of being "embarrassed" about everything that she likely won't confide in anyone. And perhaps also afraid of my sister's wrath if she found out my mother was talking to someone else about it.
And not that it matters, but if she does talk to anyone else, this whole situation is now positioned to make me look like "the bad guy". In a way, it was a genius move by my sister that she (likely) had no hand in. Because anyone on the outside looking in is going to see *me* as the monster for not "forgiving and forgetting" and racing to the hospital to be by her side. I'll look like the selfish, self-involved one.
This all also conveniently happened during what was likely my single busiest week at work the entire year. Something I feel like my mother thinks I was embellishing on the phone as an excuse to not see my sister. Which, she must know isn't the case, because I'd had no intention of visiting her regardless of how work was.
I do ask myself what this says about me. I know it must make me selfish and self-involved. But, this has gone beyond me simply seeking to be a jerk. I feel within myself true survival instincts kicking in. I feel the defensive reactions in me every single time I have to come back to this situation. It is uncomfortable and stressful and all I want is to simply not have to deal with it ever again. I am being asked to have to see this person, my sister, over and over again when my opinion of her is so low and her "normal" behavior so reprehensible to me. I would not be in contact with anyone like her if I was not related. And I mean that from the very beginning. Thirty years ago, if I met her at a party or at a job, I would not have even continued to talk to her. She is awful.
I told my mom that I cannot change how her or my sister thinks. There is nothing I can say to reassure my mother that she is loved or that she didn't screw up as a parent. She wants to believe she's unloved and a fuck-up. It is not my job to continually try to convince her otherwise. That is toxic. It is the same victim behavior my sister displays. It's not my job to change their feelings. I know what I see in this situation. I know what I will not tolerate.
If my mom wants to be sad because she thinks she screwed up her kids, I told her that that is all on her. That until SHE changes how she thinks, there's not a thing I can do about it. And as far as my sister goes, she loudly declares CONSTANTLY that she does no wrong. There is no conversation that can ever be had with her. I resent her existence right now because she is going to make every family gathering a miserable experience from now until my mother passes.
And my mother will spend all that time also implying that I should somehow feel bad for not letting my sister get away with her narcissism with no consequences. As I told her, she's telling me I am supposed to just sit by and watch my sister treat her like shit and be fine with it.
I am not fine with it. But, as far as me taking initiative to communicate that... I just don't care. My sister is irrelevant to my life. Even if I didn't have the Sparrow, my sister would be irrelevant to me. I would only exist to be there to do things for her and help her and listen to her stories about how the entire world has held her back. She is currently incapable of acting or interacting in any way that would nurture or grow any kind of relationship. This is not me talking out my ass... my sister has no one, has no friends... the proof of my words is all right there.
The problem is either EVERYONE else or it is her. To my sister? It is everyone else.
I called my mother for our usual Friday call. It was obvious from the start she was wanting to say "something", but was holding back. She is anything if not totally predictable and as readable as a 'Dick and Jane' book. And then it came...
"Have you called your sister since she went into the hospital?"
This began a twenty minute conversation in which I was the only one talking and my mother was on the other end of the phone silently weeping.
I told her I had not and that just because she went into the hospital, it doesn't suddenly wash away what happened at Thanksgiving or the two plus decades before that that she has acted like a self-involved, entitled bitch who literally expects and demands every dollar of my mother's money and marks every item in my mother's house as her own, that will fall into her possession as soon as my mother has the courtesy to die.
And I reiterated to her, yet again, that every family gathering and every conversation where I am present, my sister comments about how our mother still being alive is somehow preventing my sister from having this magical, perfect life in Tennessee of all places. That her life is screwed up and unfulfilling because our parents never took us on vacations as kids. None of this or more is simply forgiven because she got sick.
My mother then had the balls, to which I credit her for trying, to say "Why don't YOU call her up and lay this all out on the table with her?"... I laughed. "Me?"... I reminded her that my sister does not EVER think she does ANYTHING wrong. Any issue she's come up on in life, any financial problem, any work issue, her weight problems... ANYTHING and everything that happens to my sister, she is merely the victim of and takes zero personal responsibility for any of it.
I retorted by asking if she (my sister) called me up after her behavior on Thanksgiving, and asked why it was my mother would suggest I do such a thing knowing my sister does not think she did anything wrong and that her behavior was righteous and justified. I reminded her yet again that what happened on Thanksgiving was NOT normal. That my sister threw a temper tantrum in front of guests and people she'd only just met over the fact that I wanted to have Christmas spending be cut back (by my mother) because it was ridiculous that she be spending thousands of dollars on us as adults, buying toilet paper and paper towels and household items and such.
I reminded her that my sister lashed out like a child whose toy was taken away and attacked me for somehow being like our cunt sister-in-law, because I dared suggest we try to find more meaning in the holiday beyond the materialism. She then attacked our "dual incomes", suggesting that I simply did not want the gifts anymore because (in her mind) we (the Sparrow and I) are now rich. And that I fully accepted the gifts before when I "needed them".
I reminded her that my sister sat there, righteously, throwing a tantrum while accusing *ME* of being wrong, unhinged and enraged. And that everyone else just sat there and let her act that way. She does not think she did anything wrong. She does however think *I* did something wrong by attempting to take away all this money and material items that my mother is constantly showering her with. In her mind, *I* was in the wrong.
I asked her to tell me how it was I was supposed to have a conversation with a person who is not able to admit any fault in their character, who expects that everyone drop everything for her all the time with absolutely no reciprocation unless it somehow benefits her.
I also said it was a good thing my mother was around, because I sure as hell was not going to be driving to my sister's house twice a day to deal with her unruly, out-of-control mongrels that have destroyed the new house she is living in. My mother snipped with a bit of attitude that she "knew" I would never do such a thing. But then, as if she'd been ruminating about this next line all week, she retorted by saying that if the Bro-In-Law was in the hospital she "KNOWS" I'd be right there immediately to visit him and help out. She said it in a way as if she "caught" me in some wrong or something.
I responded by saying yes, that I absolutely probably would be at the hospital and helping out. But that my Bro-In-Law was not an entitled bitch who demanded things of me all the time but gave nothing worthwhile in return. This irked me that she would try to make some correlation here. She knows full well when my father was in the hospital, I was right there every day to help out or visit. And I should have reminded her, when my dad was in hospice at home, only two of us were there when he died. My sister was not present. She was off letting her mongrels out or something. She could have cared less about being there to help, except for with the finances, which she jumped on faster than a jackrabbit in heat when the time came to deal with those.
I just continued on and on as my mother sobbed in the background. She'd brought up before the conversation turned to this, but again after, how this gallbladder thing was "very serious" and had they not caught it in time my sister likely would have "developed sepsis, which is fatal... she would have died". I feel like in my mother's child-like mind, she thinks saying these things will somehow change *my* mind on the situation and that I'll come running back with open arms to hug my sister and forgive all.
And I even said, perhaps *I* am the asshole here. But, that none of this suddenly washes away my sister consistent patterns of selfish behavior for years upon years. That this suddenly doesn't forgive her blaming our parents for not giving her vacations and money nor does it forgive her constantly reminding my mother that her being alive still is somehow holding my sister back.
I really started to question if *I* was the crazy one here. If *I* was somehow in the wrong.
And then my mother, in her simple way, started crying about wanting all her kids to "get along". And I told her point blank, I can absolutely get along. That is not the issue here. The issue is my sister's entitled, narcissistic behavior. It's her thinking and commenting constantly that she is above it all and is owed all of it. How my mother can sit there and try putting this on me, when she's witnessed the behavior and ADMITTED that it exists and that it DOES bother her too. And to the point about her asking why *I* don't confront this with a conversation with my sister, I reminded her that the reason SHE (my mother) has not broached any of this with my sister is because SHE is afraid of her and her reaction. And that alone says volumes about how pointless any conversation would be.
My sister does not for a microsecond think she has done anything wrong. Not here and not in her entire life.
I told my mother that we were all adults. And that any choices or behavior were no longer anything that could be blamed on our parents or decisions my mother has made (though I didn't comment on how my mother enables the bad behavior). My sister, like me, is a grown person. She makes every choice in her life. NONE of this has anything to do with parenting choices made 40 years ago. And it is ridiculous how my mother wants to keep going back to that. And I told her that she's only doing it to feel sorry for herself. That she in someway also wants to be the victim here.
Then I went as far as to say that the reason my sister has NO relationships or anyone close in her life and constantly complains about being lonely is because of HER own behavior and HER choices. I told my mother that it is not the fault of every man on earth that my sister can't find a date, a relationship or a husband. It is not the fault of everyone else that she comes into contact with. SHE is the consistent factor in all her failed relationships. And I said that I've just come to the same point all these other guys and all her former girlfriends all came to. My sister is NOT the poor victim here... what has happened is the consequences of her behavior and her actions.
She can't blame that on mommy and daddy. She can't blame the patriarchy. She can't blame her income. She can't blame life. SHE made all these choices.
The more things went on, the more I realized my mother also seems to exhibit some of the same behaviors. She wants to be the victim in this whole thing. She whines about why *her* family is "so screwed up", as if everyone else doesn't have their own issues. But, nope... not to my mother. In my mother's eyes we are the only family with problems and she almost seems to relish being able to be the victim of it all.
These are all conversations my dad has had with her in the past. And I know from my father, that my mother just blamed it all on him and his attitude. Which, maybe he was to blame on some level, as in my research I realize he often displayed many of the same narcissistic characteristics as my sister.
I told my mom that I can't even feel anything about this situation if I wanted to. A wall has gone up inside me for me to protect myself from all this drama. It's the same wall I'd erect when friendships went bad or relationships were failing. I am not going to sit there and feel like I've done anything wrong (this time).
The facts are very simple, and I laid them out for the 100th time. All I wanted to do was have a very innocuous conversation about cutting back on Christmas spending, mainly to take the financial burden off of our mother. I found out after the fact my sister had already once become enraged about this before the day was even upon us at Thanksgiving. She IMMEDIATELY lashed out at me when the conversation started. I reminded my mother that there were FIVE other people there, and they all witnessed my sister's behavior. That I was not imagining her reaction or embellishing it. She threw a full-blown tantrum.
And the reason? Because she expects our mother every year to spend over one thousand dollars on her for Christmas. She has ZERO conscience about this. She does zero reflection on it. She never asks if it's too much. She never wonders about the burden it puts on our mother to spend the money for starters, but also the physical efforts it takes for my mom to carry some of the items which sometimes are upwards of 60 lbs or more. My sister spends not one fucking second thinking on any of this.
All she thinks about is what she is owed (in her mind).
Now, I understand why my mother wants *ME* to be the one to initiate a conversation. Because she knows, for all my faults, that I am at least articulate and logical in all of what I am saying. She knows and agreed with all the reasons why this entire thing was upsetting and wrong. But, she is afraid of my sister, and knows my sister doesn't think she's wrong, so she'd rather turn the onus on me.
I told her very clearly that I loved her (which felt cliche, but she desperately longs for constant validation on this point), and I said that I was sorry she feels like she is in the middle of this. But, that I was no longer going to just stand by while my sister acted this way, nor would I sit there and have her talk to me the way she did on Thanksgiving and then pretend nothing happened.
I don't need a relationship with my sister. And like my brother before her, I barely have ever had the semblance of one to begin with. My sister has only ever worried about herself. She's thought of no one else, except when it somehow benefits her. If that wasn't the case, there would have been no temper tantrum at Thanksgiving. She would have understood completely the point I was trying to make and would have had the empathy for our mother's situation and her finances. But, my sister simply did not give a flying fuck. She only wanted what she believes she is owed... which is every single dollar to my mother's name.
I told my mother she desperately needs to talk to her sister or my two cousins that she's close to. I said that she's stuck "in the middle" of this situation with my sister and I, and that it was unhealthy for her not to have someone on the outside to vent to and perhaps get a different perspective on things. But, my mother is so terrified of being "embarrassed" about everything that she likely won't confide in anyone. And perhaps also afraid of my sister's wrath if she found out my mother was talking to someone else about it.
And not that it matters, but if she does talk to anyone else, this whole situation is now positioned to make me look like "the bad guy". In a way, it was a genius move by my sister that she (likely) had no hand in. Because anyone on the outside looking in is going to see *me* as the monster for not "forgiving and forgetting" and racing to the hospital to be by her side. I'll look like the selfish, self-involved one.
This all also conveniently happened during what was likely my single busiest week at work the entire year. Something I feel like my mother thinks I was embellishing on the phone as an excuse to not see my sister. Which, she must know isn't the case, because I'd had no intention of visiting her regardless of how work was.
I do ask myself what this says about me. I know it must make me selfish and self-involved. But, this has gone beyond me simply seeking to be a jerk. I feel within myself true survival instincts kicking in. I feel the defensive reactions in me every single time I have to come back to this situation. It is uncomfortable and stressful and all I want is to simply not have to deal with it ever again. I am being asked to have to see this person, my sister, over and over again when my opinion of her is so low and her "normal" behavior so reprehensible to me. I would not be in contact with anyone like her if I was not related. And I mean that from the very beginning. Thirty years ago, if I met her at a party or at a job, I would not have even continued to talk to her. She is awful.
I told my mom that I cannot change how her or my sister thinks. There is nothing I can say to reassure my mother that she is loved or that she didn't screw up as a parent. She wants to believe she's unloved and a fuck-up. It is not my job to continually try to convince her otherwise. That is toxic. It is the same victim behavior my sister displays. It's not my job to change their feelings. I know what I see in this situation. I know what I will not tolerate.
If my mom wants to be sad because she thinks she screwed up her kids, I told her that that is all on her. That until SHE changes how she thinks, there's not a thing I can do about it. And as far as my sister goes, she loudly declares CONSTANTLY that she does no wrong. There is no conversation that can ever be had with her. I resent her existence right now because she is going to make every family gathering a miserable experience from now until my mother passes.
And my mother will spend all that time also implying that I should somehow feel bad for not letting my sister get away with her narcissism with no consequences. As I told her, she's telling me I am supposed to just sit by and watch my sister treat her like shit and be fine with it.
I am not fine with it. But, as far as me taking initiative to communicate that... I just don't care. My sister is irrelevant to my life. Even if I didn't have the Sparrow, my sister would be irrelevant to me. I would only exist to be there to do things for her and help her and listen to her stories about how the entire world has held her back. She is currently incapable of acting or interacting in any way that would nurture or grow any kind of relationship. This is not me talking out my ass... my sister has no one, has no friends... the proof of my words is all right there.
The problem is either EVERYONE else or it is her. To my sister? It is everyone else.