Keep The Change
Christmas cards are mailed. Godzilla tickets purchased. Cat food restocked. It's been a slow work day but productive in other areas. I do need to figure out what I have left vacation day wise and get that on the calendar. It just feels like the holiday mindset has taken hold faster and harder than usual. I've got zero motivation.
I talked to my mother this morning but there was no news from crazy town. I'd sent her those videos I'd watched on narcissism. Her first comment was, "Do you know who else this reminded me of... TRUMP!"
She's as mentally ill as a liberal. Trump had nothing to do with what we were talking about. Nothing to do with my sister's behavior. Yet, for some reason my mother feels compelled to constantly name drop him as if to try "catching" me. As if it proves some point. If my sister was in the White House, my 401K went back up the $30K I've lost in the past few years and the price of everything else went down, maybe I'd actually continue to tolerate her behavior.
It reminded me I have my own issues with my mother as well as my sister. This was further brought to the front when she started rambling about how she was STILL going to buy giant packs of paper towels and toilet paper and garbage bags for everyone, "just so there's something under the tree".
It instantly enraged me, because in a week's time she's reverted back to this idea of just buying 'whatever' to have gifts. I reminded her the entire point of this change was so that we'd not only purchase less, but what folks DID get for each other would be things that had MEANING. Not arbitrary crap, no matter how useful, stuffed into Christmas garbage bags and stacked behind the sofa "just so people have stuff to open". It is this sort of willful forgetting and mindlessness that frustrates me about her in other areas, like being unable to use her smart phone or computer. It is like she just decides to forget or be helpless because she feels like it.
Then she carried on about not knowing what to get anyone and how she needed some ideas. The Sparrow says this is fair, since she doesn't really know the Bro-In-Law or Gayle, but the thing of it is that she gave birth to me and has known me for 48 fucking years, and she is incapable of even independently thinking of a gift for *ME*. She'd rather just be given a list. And the bottom line is, I don't want any gifts at all if they are things marked off an Amazon list with absolutely no thought put into it. Spending the money alone, for me, is no longer what I would consider "thought" on the matter.
Maybe my sister is right in that regard, that I am acting like *I* am the one making all the "rules" and "decisions" for everyone else. But, in this family, there's no other way to do it. My dingbat mother would continue to buy thousands of dollars in shit, just to have under the tree, EVEN if she didn't want to anymore (which she's said as much). Between her being afraid to "hurt" people's feelings or that someone will be "mad" because they didn't get something they wanted on Christmas morning... it all makes me want even more to NOT celebrate holidays with my family.
Thanksgiving, aside from my sister, was a fine gathering. But, I've already complained about the sense of obligation... inescapable obligation... there is on holidays where we HAVE to go to my mother's house because if we didn't she'd be upset. And she absolutely won't ever come to our house. And at this point, we wouldn't want to host anything because we don't want my sister here ruining the day for everyone.
A person can be a cunt, but still be right about things. And on that matter, I think my cunt sister-in-law was right about my mom years ago and how it seems like so much of our family life was geared around doing things to appease her. And I've done my part to appease over the years and maybe it is age, or something else, but it has become SO exhausting. I feel within me this desperate urgency to distance myself from the chaos of it all.
I am certainly not going to cut my mother off or stop going over there, but there is so much baggage and stress and tension that comes with having to deal with what is left of my family. I've said it before about my parents when my dad was still alive. This feeling I've had that they are like an anchor around my neck holding me in place from the rest of my life. In that same way when I was a child that they never motivated me, or taught me self-worth or self-esteem. They never pushed me to succeed or even allowed me to fail, so I could learn that way.
I am not casting blame, I am simply saying how things went. And I know I've finally reached a point in life the past several years where I am trying within myself to manifest all these things I've lacked for the first part of my life. But in doing so, I feel them clawing at me and pulling me back down under water. It was the same with many of the friendships I used to have, which I wrote about extensively here. The realizations I made that whenever I tried to change or had new ideas, these people around me were upset or feared that fact and tried dragging me back down to where they thought I belonged.
So many times in my life I wanted change. And so many times in my life the people around me did not want that change to happen.
I am not even saying that it is a conscious thing. I don't think my mother is maliciously trying to disrupt my life. But she most definitely has an influence about her, and a way she says and does things that can often imply a statement without a word being said. Or manifest an emotion without a single comment. I remember just now how her mantra used to be that she'd be "destitute and alone" when she got older, which thinking on it now comes across as a sort of attention-seeking, passive-aggressive statement.
In a way, I understand in my sister's narcissism why she is CONSTANTLY making reference to how she "wishes" she could move to Tennessee but can't because our mother is still alive. The fact of the matter is, my sister can choose to do whatever she wants. And her financial life is in such chaos constantly that I don't think a long-distance move is even an option for her. But in her psychosis I think there is a nugget of truth in there. Perhaps the manipulation of one or both of our parents, no matter how unintentional or arbitrary, caused this false belief within my sister (and me) that we weren't "allowed" to move away and have our own lives, because of the fears of our mother.
Though, this would imply my sister gave a shit about anyone but herself. And I don't believe she does. Which is why I think her saying she "can't" move is probably more so just her victimhood playing out as usual.
My mother at 78 still seems to carry a lot of childish, unresolved emotions and issues within herself. Yes, fine... her son abandoned the family because of his cunt wife, had a granddaughter she's never met. That kind of stuff IS traumatic. But, is there also not a point when a person has to choose to get over it? I think my mother is too simple-minded to be able to do so, but I don't think it is out of the realm of expectation that a person at some point in their life heals from an emotional wound. If I thought she'd be willing, I'd find her a therapist to go to for her to work out her damn issues. But, knowing her, she'd refuse to divulge anything about her inner turmoil to anyone because she'd be "embarrassed" or afraid the doctor might tell someone.
See, I know my mother's behavior so well, I can respond to any scenario or situation with exactly the attitude and statements she'd use to respond.
And I cannot help the women. Who she is, what she chooses to be upset or traumatized about. How she chooses to act. None of that is in my control. Hell, this whole B.S. Christmas gift thing can be wrapped up in that. If she wants to go out and spend thousands on random household items and crap from lists that people don't need or have nowhere to store, that is all up to her. She can go ahead and do that. She doesn't need to listen to me. But, she's such a pushover, if I don't at least attempt to change the course of things, she'll continue with this Christmas farce and my sister will continue to take advantage of it, feeling completely entitled to all of it.
As I may have said, my sister accused me last Thursday of fully embracing and taking all these gifts for years. And that is not completely untrue. I did take them. I did give big lists. I did lace the lists with big ticket, expensive items. But, what my sister never saw was the conflict I went through every year over it. I wrote constantly about my problems with it, and the holiday in general. My guilt over it. No, I did nothing about for years and that is on me. It makes me no better than her. But, things change and this year I DID say something.
Coming back around again I have to ask: Am I not allowed to change? Do I have to stay exactly how I am to appease all these people around me?
I've tossed the rest in the trash, but unfortunately for the time being I cannot toss my family in the bin with them. As long as my mother is alive, I am shackled to the tension and stress of this family.
I talked to my mother this morning but there was no news from crazy town. I'd sent her those videos I'd watched on narcissism. Her first comment was, "Do you know who else this reminded me of... TRUMP!"
She's as mentally ill as a liberal. Trump had nothing to do with what we were talking about. Nothing to do with my sister's behavior. Yet, for some reason my mother feels compelled to constantly name drop him as if to try "catching" me. As if it proves some point. If my sister was in the White House, my 401K went back up the $30K I've lost in the past few years and the price of everything else went down, maybe I'd actually continue to tolerate her behavior.
It reminded me I have my own issues with my mother as well as my sister. This was further brought to the front when she started rambling about how she was STILL going to buy giant packs of paper towels and toilet paper and garbage bags for everyone, "just so there's something under the tree".
It instantly enraged me, because in a week's time she's reverted back to this idea of just buying 'whatever' to have gifts. I reminded her the entire point of this change was so that we'd not only purchase less, but what folks DID get for each other would be things that had MEANING. Not arbitrary crap, no matter how useful, stuffed into Christmas garbage bags and stacked behind the sofa "just so people have stuff to open". It is this sort of willful forgetting and mindlessness that frustrates me about her in other areas, like being unable to use her smart phone or computer. It is like she just decides to forget or be helpless because she feels like it.
Then she carried on about not knowing what to get anyone and how she needed some ideas. The Sparrow says this is fair, since she doesn't really know the Bro-In-Law or Gayle, but the thing of it is that she gave birth to me and has known me for 48 fucking years, and she is incapable of even independently thinking of a gift for *ME*. She'd rather just be given a list. And the bottom line is, I don't want any gifts at all if they are things marked off an Amazon list with absolutely no thought put into it. Spending the money alone, for me, is no longer what I would consider "thought" on the matter.
Maybe my sister is right in that regard, that I am acting like *I* am the one making all the "rules" and "decisions" for everyone else. But, in this family, there's no other way to do it. My dingbat mother would continue to buy thousands of dollars in shit, just to have under the tree, EVEN if she didn't want to anymore (which she's said as much). Between her being afraid to "hurt" people's feelings or that someone will be "mad" because they didn't get something they wanted on Christmas morning... it all makes me want even more to NOT celebrate holidays with my family.
Thanksgiving, aside from my sister, was a fine gathering. But, I've already complained about the sense of obligation... inescapable obligation... there is on holidays where we HAVE to go to my mother's house because if we didn't she'd be upset. And she absolutely won't ever come to our house. And at this point, we wouldn't want to host anything because we don't want my sister here ruining the day for everyone.
A person can be a cunt, but still be right about things. And on that matter, I think my cunt sister-in-law was right about my mom years ago and how it seems like so much of our family life was geared around doing things to appease her. And I've done my part to appease over the years and maybe it is age, or something else, but it has become SO exhausting. I feel within me this desperate urgency to distance myself from the chaos of it all.
I am certainly not going to cut my mother off or stop going over there, but there is so much baggage and stress and tension that comes with having to deal with what is left of my family. I've said it before about my parents when my dad was still alive. This feeling I've had that they are like an anchor around my neck holding me in place from the rest of my life. In that same way when I was a child that they never motivated me, or taught me self-worth or self-esteem. They never pushed me to succeed or even allowed me to fail, so I could learn that way.
I am not casting blame, I am simply saying how things went. And I know I've finally reached a point in life the past several years where I am trying within myself to manifest all these things I've lacked for the first part of my life. But in doing so, I feel them clawing at me and pulling me back down under water. It was the same with many of the friendships I used to have, which I wrote about extensively here. The realizations I made that whenever I tried to change or had new ideas, these people around me were upset or feared that fact and tried dragging me back down to where they thought I belonged.
So many times in my life I wanted change. And so many times in my life the people around me did not want that change to happen.
I am not even saying that it is a conscious thing. I don't think my mother is maliciously trying to disrupt my life. But she most definitely has an influence about her, and a way she says and does things that can often imply a statement without a word being said. Or manifest an emotion without a single comment. I remember just now how her mantra used to be that she'd be "destitute and alone" when she got older, which thinking on it now comes across as a sort of attention-seeking, passive-aggressive statement.
In a way, I understand in my sister's narcissism why she is CONSTANTLY making reference to how she "wishes" she could move to Tennessee but can't because our mother is still alive. The fact of the matter is, my sister can choose to do whatever she wants. And her financial life is in such chaos constantly that I don't think a long-distance move is even an option for her. But in her psychosis I think there is a nugget of truth in there. Perhaps the manipulation of one or both of our parents, no matter how unintentional or arbitrary, caused this false belief within my sister (and me) that we weren't "allowed" to move away and have our own lives, because of the fears of our mother.
Though, this would imply my sister gave a shit about anyone but herself. And I don't believe she does. Which is why I think her saying she "can't" move is probably more so just her victimhood playing out as usual.
My mother at 78 still seems to carry a lot of childish, unresolved emotions and issues within herself. Yes, fine... her son abandoned the family because of his cunt wife, had a granddaughter she's never met. That kind of stuff IS traumatic. But, is there also not a point when a person has to choose to get over it? I think my mother is too simple-minded to be able to do so, but I don't think it is out of the realm of expectation that a person at some point in their life heals from an emotional wound. If I thought she'd be willing, I'd find her a therapist to go to for her to work out her damn issues. But, knowing her, she'd refuse to divulge anything about her inner turmoil to anyone because she'd be "embarrassed" or afraid the doctor might tell someone.
See, I know my mother's behavior so well, I can respond to any scenario or situation with exactly the attitude and statements she'd use to respond.
And I cannot help the women. Who she is, what she chooses to be upset or traumatized about. How she chooses to act. None of that is in my control. Hell, this whole B.S. Christmas gift thing can be wrapped up in that. If she wants to go out and spend thousands on random household items and crap from lists that people don't need or have nowhere to store, that is all up to her. She can go ahead and do that. She doesn't need to listen to me. But, she's such a pushover, if I don't at least attempt to change the course of things, she'll continue with this Christmas farce and my sister will continue to take advantage of it, feeling completely entitled to all of it.
As I may have said, my sister accused me last Thursday of fully embracing and taking all these gifts for years. And that is not completely untrue. I did take them. I did give big lists. I did lace the lists with big ticket, expensive items. But, what my sister never saw was the conflict I went through every year over it. I wrote constantly about my problems with it, and the holiday in general. My guilt over it. No, I did nothing about for years and that is on me. It makes me no better than her. But, things change and this year I DID say something.
Coming back around again I have to ask: Am I not allowed to change? Do I have to stay exactly how I am to appease all these people around me?
I've tossed the rest in the trash, but unfortunately for the time being I cannot toss my family in the bin with them. As long as my mother is alive, I am shackled to the tension and stress of this family.