The Dragon Lady and the Golden Pussy
I've been blowing off this backup configuration I needed to do since the Friday before Halloween. Taco walked me through the setup that day for the Meat Packer, but I never followed up with doing the same config for this other client. I was off those two days the next week and as each day after passed, I kept telling myself I was only going to forget more and more about what he showed me the longer I waited. Yet, I did nothing.
I am a moron, so I waited till today to even attempt to work on it. I don't want to count my chickens just yet, but I think I was able to do the setup successfully. I did have to delete and recreate a few things in order to get it right. which humorously enough, were the same mistakes Taco made showing me the process which he had to correct while I was watching. Somehow I remember all that, the mistakes and the corrections. We'll see what happens as I cannot run the backups right now in the middle of the day. I need to wait till they are gone to kick them off.
I think I may be getting sick. Last night since there was nothing on to watch, we decided to both read our books. I got through twenty pages or so while the Sparrow was in the shower, but by the time he sat down around 7:15 or so I couldn't keep my eyes on the page. I put the book down and knocked out for 45 minutes. Highly unusual for me. I can sometimes take a nap on the couch on the weekends or occasionally on a lunch break, but it is almost unheard of for me to fall asleep on the couch at night.
This morning I felt a bit more worn down than usual after a rough night's sleep and I have this slight, wheezing cough that keeps creeping up on me. I am going to drink some hot tea shortly. I've debated what to do for lunch today, but I may well return to the couch to take a snooze.
Speaking of rough sleep, the cats (indoors and out) have still not adjusted to the useless time change from last weekend. At 4:30 in the morning they start wigging out about being fed, because they still think it's 5:30 in the morning. I have a feeling this is what happened with Bosco the past week too, where he was MIA for food. He must have thought he was forgotten about and went off on his own to look for something.
I watched a video from Academy Of Ideas yesterday on YouTube that I thought was quite interesting. It dealt with the topic of modern relationships and how people in our times seem to turn to "Love" as the ultimate concept to pursue and worship instead of a god or religion. I am summing up very simply here, but the basic gist was that this was why so many marriages end in divorce and so many people cannot maintain stable relationships. Because of this idea that the relationship itself should resolve one's own personal issues and insecurities, but they don't.
Makes me wish I would have written a book on the subject, since I basically spent years of my journal dictating my experiences and revelations on this very subject. That self love must come first before seeking out the "love" of another and that the other does not exist to fix oneself. They mentioned a book in the video, 'The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other', which they referenced several times. I think I'd actually enjoy reading the book, but I also considered getting it for my sister for a Christmas gift.
But she is so sensitive, she'd probably take it as a slight from me against her instead of the true purpose of trying to educate her on how she's spent the past 40 years of her life looking for men to fix all her problems. Oh, she claims she's smarter than that, but one look at any of her social media accounts and seeing the lunacy of how she talks about being "in love" within literal days of meeting a new guy, you know she desperately needs some self-analysis.
In lighter news, we've had some interesting activity outside the past few days. I saw two sandhill cranes in the field across the road. I am assuming they were travelers from up north migrating south for the winter. Just seemed unusual so late in the year. The one we had in back all summer have been long gone.
Then we had multiple red-winged blackbirds at the front feeders yesterday. I do not think I have seen any since late August, so I assume these were migrating through. Also, there were multiple American robins yesterday. One at the front feeder station and two on the back grass. I definitely don't think I've seen any robins since August.
The weather has been somewhat warm. I was able to get out there early yesterday afternoon and mow the leaves. It took a very long time to do so. I had to blow the roof off because there are certain valleys up there that collect tons of them. Once I did that and blew the patio off, the leaves in the back were knee deep. It took dozens of passes with the mower to chop them down enough. Plus, I've not put the mulching blades in, so the leaves (and grass) shoot out the side. When I cut, row after row, it creates a bigger and bigger pile of leaves to the right of the mower. A lot of back and forth. It looked good last night, but this morning, there's already considerable leaf litter back on the grass again.
I doubt the mulch pile will be dealt with before winter really sets in. Not with my current back issues. I am sure it's possible I could heal up and be motivated (depending on weather) to do some of it during Thanksgiving week, but I won't beat myself up if that doesn't happen. And I know at least one chipmunk has built a den in the pile. I'd feel real bad if I disturbed his winter hoard. Though, we now have yet another cat from the Cat Lady next door that is frequenting our property and I fear he may have killed the chipmunk that was living out front and using the mulch pile.
I'd wanted to go to my mom's before Thanksgiving week to put her Christmas lights outside. I really don't enjoy doing it anymore, but it's one of the few things she actually asks me to help with. It always seems like I wait till that week and it's freezing. I told myself last year I'd go over there beforehand, on a nice Saturday or something but that has yet to happen. I just hate giving up my weekends like that. Such a thing probably makes me selfish.
I wish I could enjoy it. I used to twenty years ago. These days it seems, aside from always being freezing out, that half the lights don't work. This is caused by my mother, who refuses to accept help taking the lights down at the end of the season, and will go out there and literally RIP the strands of lights in huge, knotted bundles off of the bushes. She shatters bulbs, breaks wires and just creates a headache for me the next year. All so she can feel like she's "helping" me by not having me come out there to help take stuff down. When it comes to her, it seems many of her efforts to not be a burden actually create more of a burden for me. This has multiplied ten-fold since my father died.
Also, the burden of helping her, which I feel bad calling a burden, takes away from my own motivation and interest in decorating our own house. Perhaps if I had other siblings that would help, I wouldn't be left to feel the entire weight of it all on my shoulders. But, my sister wouldn't help unless my mother paid her. Chances are she'd take the money and run. It's a Thanksgiving tradition for her to bitch that I didn't come over and help *her* decorate *her* house.
I actually was so bored yesterday I was doing Google searches for people from my distant past, including my useless brother, his cunt wife and their spawn. I was shocked to see what a shithole their house looked like on Google Maps. His wife was such a stuck up, self-important snob back in the day, I cannot believe she would live in this place. It looks like the kind of house you'd see over the side of the freeway when you're driving through the bayou to New Orleans. Complete with what looked like a rusted out, broken down SUV parked at the back of the driveway.
I noticed their neighbor across the street was flying one of those pedo pride flags, complete with the yard sign all the liberals have that says "Hate has no home here". One of the many liberal mantras they chant as they shout down any other opinion, burn down cities and physically assualt people to "save Democracy". It probably explains why my brother had two American flags flying from his porch.
I actually found a picture of their daughter too. I suppose she would be my niece, but they are all strangers to me. I feel no more connection to her or them than I would someone in a car next to me on the road. Yes, one could say I have angst and hatred towards them but I would retort that most often I have those emotions about everyone else driving on the road with me too.
Whenever this subject comes up, I am always motivated to point out that my emotions over it have to do with my parents and not with me. My dad is long gone now, but I know my mother is still deeply hurt by the situation (even though she says she isn't). It's been 23 years I think since they've had any contact with my parents or sister (or relatives). They still spoke to me briefly in that last year, but it was in that petty way in which they talked to me simply to find out information about my parents.
Comically, as much as that annoyed me (because I do think they thought I was too stupid to know they were using me for that), the real reason I stopped speaking to them was because they blew off a party that Exroommate and I were having in our first apartment. There's nothing that pisses me off more than a no-show. But, as I've always said and repeat constantly, my brother and I had no relationship growing up, especially with our 7 year age difference. He hated my guts for being "the baby" and made this fact known as often as he could. It wasn't until he went into the Navy and came back a couple years later that he suddenly and desperately wanted to build a relationship with me. Again, he must have thought I was stupid and couldn't see what he was doing.
It is funny too to think that he destroyed his relationship with our parents, our sister, all our relatives... he threw it all away because, I think it could be argued, he had mommy issues. He felt "mommy didn't love" him. It was the basis of so much of his behavior that I remember growing up. It was one of the things he bitched about in the last (or one of the last) confrontations he had with our parents, in which he wanted to borrow $20,000 from them and lashed out saying something about how they would have given me or my sister the money had we asked. It was all so stupid, of course, because our parents were broke at the time.
So, he was a little crybaby who thought I was getting all the attention, and when his little balls finally dropped they were immediately snatched up and put in the purse of this dragon lady he married (though he lied and said they weren't married yet when they were the first time he brought her home... real idiot stuff).
He cut off his family because he was a crybaby. He thinks I was put on some pedestal for being "the baby", and that I was "given everything". It is hilarious, because by the time I was in junior high and high school our family was so broke our parents couldn't afford to buy me shit. I always tell the story of how my glasses broke, and they couldn't afford to take me to the eye doctor for new ones, so my dad took the lenses and jury-rigged them into a pair of old sunglasses. THAT was them giving me everything? I could go down a list of the traumas I endured in school because I was wearing hand-me-down clothes that were my brother's and too small. Or the shoes for gym class they got me from K-Mart, where the entire sole fell off and instead of just getting me a new pair immediately I had to try duct taping them to see if that worked enough for them to be used (because "they were brand new!").
I truly got "everything"!
We could get into our parents own relationship issues. The fact my dad potentially cheated on my mom in the late 70s or early 80s. They didn't even sleep in the same bed for my entire formative years. My mother slept on the fucking bedroom floor. In therapy in the 2000s, we really delved into all this and as much as I bitch about my therapist being a pill-pusher, he really opened my eyes to how our parents were using me as a weapon against each other in their marriage squabbles during my youth.
THIS is what my brother was jealous of? THIS is why he thinks I got "all the attention"? THIS is what he cut off his family for?
He's a moron. A complete moron. A self-involved little crybaby with a domineering cunt wife whose back hair immediately stood on end like a cat's the minute she was introduced to my family. She found joy in being a bitch to them. I remember, because for a time, I thought it was funny and she loved telling me about it.
It's sad. And when I say it is sad, I mean for my parents. That their son was so unintelligent and driven by such vindictive, effeminate emotion that he could not logically analyze his own motivations. He had no capacity for self-reflection. Could it be he was just terrified of his own wife? I could believe that. Though I'll never know, nor do I care.
I can genuinely say I have reflected less on the loss of this person as a brother than I have over losing a pet or ending a bad relationship I didn't even want to be in. Those kinds of experiences have true value in life, even as negatively as they can be construed. I learned something from such events. I changed and grew because of such events.
When I think on this person that is my brother, I only feel embarrassment that I am related to a person so lacking in any kind of integrity or self-knowledge. An adult driven by the emotions of a child and manipulated by what one must assume was a golden pussy, attached to the queen of the sea cows.
I jest, but like so many other experiences, when I reflect on people from my past, I "love to hate" some of them, so to speak. I love to feel the negative energies of it and laugh at insulting them. I am sure it is not healthy or mature, but it does often make my ego feel better when I do this sort of reflection and analysis.
But unlike other people from my past, I barely had any level of a relationship with my brother to reflect on. When I think on the topic, it is always from the perspective of how his asinine choices affected our parents. Genuine cruelty in action. Once my mother dies, the subject will be buried, no pun intended.
I am a moron, so I waited till today to even attempt to work on it. I don't want to count my chickens just yet, but I think I was able to do the setup successfully. I did have to delete and recreate a few things in order to get it right. which humorously enough, were the same mistakes Taco made showing me the process which he had to correct while I was watching. Somehow I remember all that, the mistakes and the corrections. We'll see what happens as I cannot run the backups right now in the middle of the day. I need to wait till they are gone to kick them off.
I think I may be getting sick. Last night since there was nothing on to watch, we decided to both read our books. I got through twenty pages or so while the Sparrow was in the shower, but by the time he sat down around 7:15 or so I couldn't keep my eyes on the page. I put the book down and knocked out for 45 minutes. Highly unusual for me. I can sometimes take a nap on the couch on the weekends or occasionally on a lunch break, but it is almost unheard of for me to fall asleep on the couch at night.
This morning I felt a bit more worn down than usual after a rough night's sleep and I have this slight, wheezing cough that keeps creeping up on me. I am going to drink some hot tea shortly. I've debated what to do for lunch today, but I may well return to the couch to take a snooze.
Speaking of rough sleep, the cats (indoors and out) have still not adjusted to the useless time change from last weekend. At 4:30 in the morning they start wigging out about being fed, because they still think it's 5:30 in the morning. I have a feeling this is what happened with Bosco the past week too, where he was MIA for food. He must have thought he was forgotten about and went off on his own to look for something.
I watched a video from Academy Of Ideas yesterday on YouTube that I thought was quite interesting. It dealt with the topic of modern relationships and how people in our times seem to turn to "Love" as the ultimate concept to pursue and worship instead of a god or religion. I am summing up very simply here, but the basic gist was that this was why so many marriages end in divorce and so many people cannot maintain stable relationships. Because of this idea that the relationship itself should resolve one's own personal issues and insecurities, but they don't.
Makes me wish I would have written a book on the subject, since I basically spent years of my journal dictating my experiences and revelations on this very subject. That self love must come first before seeking out the "love" of another and that the other does not exist to fix oneself. They mentioned a book in the video, 'The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other', which they referenced several times. I think I'd actually enjoy reading the book, but I also considered getting it for my sister for a Christmas gift.
But she is so sensitive, she'd probably take it as a slight from me against her instead of the true purpose of trying to educate her on how she's spent the past 40 years of her life looking for men to fix all her problems. Oh, she claims she's smarter than that, but one look at any of her social media accounts and seeing the lunacy of how she talks about being "in love" within literal days of meeting a new guy, you know she desperately needs some self-analysis.
In lighter news, we've had some interesting activity outside the past few days. I saw two sandhill cranes in the field across the road. I am assuming they were travelers from up north migrating south for the winter. Just seemed unusual so late in the year. The one we had in back all summer have been long gone.
Then we had multiple red-winged blackbirds at the front feeders yesterday. I do not think I have seen any since late August, so I assume these were migrating through. Also, there were multiple American robins yesterday. One at the front feeder station and two on the back grass. I definitely don't think I've seen any robins since August.
The weather has been somewhat warm. I was able to get out there early yesterday afternoon and mow the leaves. It took a very long time to do so. I had to blow the roof off because there are certain valleys up there that collect tons of them. Once I did that and blew the patio off, the leaves in the back were knee deep. It took dozens of passes with the mower to chop them down enough. Plus, I've not put the mulching blades in, so the leaves (and grass) shoot out the side. When I cut, row after row, it creates a bigger and bigger pile of leaves to the right of the mower. A lot of back and forth. It looked good last night, but this morning, there's already considerable leaf litter back on the grass again.
I doubt the mulch pile will be dealt with before winter really sets in. Not with my current back issues. I am sure it's possible I could heal up and be motivated (depending on weather) to do some of it during Thanksgiving week, but I won't beat myself up if that doesn't happen. And I know at least one chipmunk has built a den in the pile. I'd feel real bad if I disturbed his winter hoard. Though, we now have yet another cat from the Cat Lady next door that is frequenting our property and I fear he may have killed the chipmunk that was living out front and using the mulch pile.
I'd wanted to go to my mom's before Thanksgiving week to put her Christmas lights outside. I really don't enjoy doing it anymore, but it's one of the few things she actually asks me to help with. It always seems like I wait till that week and it's freezing. I told myself last year I'd go over there beforehand, on a nice Saturday or something but that has yet to happen. I just hate giving up my weekends like that. Such a thing probably makes me selfish.
I wish I could enjoy it. I used to twenty years ago. These days it seems, aside from always being freezing out, that half the lights don't work. This is caused by my mother, who refuses to accept help taking the lights down at the end of the season, and will go out there and literally RIP the strands of lights in huge, knotted bundles off of the bushes. She shatters bulbs, breaks wires and just creates a headache for me the next year. All so she can feel like she's "helping" me by not having me come out there to help take stuff down. When it comes to her, it seems many of her efforts to not be a burden actually create more of a burden for me. This has multiplied ten-fold since my father died.
Also, the burden of helping her, which I feel bad calling a burden, takes away from my own motivation and interest in decorating our own house. Perhaps if I had other siblings that would help, I wouldn't be left to feel the entire weight of it all on my shoulders. But, my sister wouldn't help unless my mother paid her. Chances are she'd take the money and run. It's a Thanksgiving tradition for her to bitch that I didn't come over and help *her* decorate *her* house.
I actually was so bored yesterday I was doing Google searches for people from my distant past, including my useless brother, his cunt wife and their spawn. I was shocked to see what a shithole their house looked like on Google Maps. His wife was such a stuck up, self-important snob back in the day, I cannot believe she would live in this place. It looks like the kind of house you'd see over the side of the freeway when you're driving through the bayou to New Orleans. Complete with what looked like a rusted out, broken down SUV parked at the back of the driveway.
I noticed their neighbor across the street was flying one of those pedo pride flags, complete with the yard sign all the liberals have that says "Hate has no home here". One of the many liberal mantras they chant as they shout down any other opinion, burn down cities and physically assualt people to "save Democracy". It probably explains why my brother had two American flags flying from his porch.
I actually found a picture of their daughter too. I suppose she would be my niece, but they are all strangers to me. I feel no more connection to her or them than I would someone in a car next to me on the road. Yes, one could say I have angst and hatred towards them but I would retort that most often I have those emotions about everyone else driving on the road with me too.
Whenever this subject comes up, I am always motivated to point out that my emotions over it have to do with my parents and not with me. My dad is long gone now, but I know my mother is still deeply hurt by the situation (even though she says she isn't). It's been 23 years I think since they've had any contact with my parents or sister (or relatives). They still spoke to me briefly in that last year, but it was in that petty way in which they talked to me simply to find out information about my parents.
Comically, as much as that annoyed me (because I do think they thought I was too stupid to know they were using me for that), the real reason I stopped speaking to them was because they blew off a party that Exroommate and I were having in our first apartment. There's nothing that pisses me off more than a no-show. But, as I've always said and repeat constantly, my brother and I had no relationship growing up, especially with our 7 year age difference. He hated my guts for being "the baby" and made this fact known as often as he could. It wasn't until he went into the Navy and came back a couple years later that he suddenly and desperately wanted to build a relationship with me. Again, he must have thought I was stupid and couldn't see what he was doing.
It is funny too to think that he destroyed his relationship with our parents, our sister, all our relatives... he threw it all away because, I think it could be argued, he had mommy issues. He felt "mommy didn't love" him. It was the basis of so much of his behavior that I remember growing up. It was one of the things he bitched about in the last (or one of the last) confrontations he had with our parents, in which he wanted to borrow $20,000 from them and lashed out saying something about how they would have given me or my sister the money had we asked. It was all so stupid, of course, because our parents were broke at the time.
So, he was a little crybaby who thought I was getting all the attention, and when his little balls finally dropped they were immediately snatched up and put in the purse of this dragon lady he married (though he lied and said they weren't married yet when they were the first time he brought her home... real idiot stuff).
He cut off his family because he was a crybaby. He thinks I was put on some pedestal for being "the baby", and that I was "given everything". It is hilarious, because by the time I was in junior high and high school our family was so broke our parents couldn't afford to buy me shit. I always tell the story of how my glasses broke, and they couldn't afford to take me to the eye doctor for new ones, so my dad took the lenses and jury-rigged them into a pair of old sunglasses. THAT was them giving me everything? I could go down a list of the traumas I endured in school because I was wearing hand-me-down clothes that were my brother's and too small. Or the shoes for gym class they got me from K-Mart, where the entire sole fell off and instead of just getting me a new pair immediately I had to try duct taping them to see if that worked enough for them to be used (because "they were brand new!").
I truly got "everything"!
We could get into our parents own relationship issues. The fact my dad potentially cheated on my mom in the late 70s or early 80s. They didn't even sleep in the same bed for my entire formative years. My mother slept on the fucking bedroom floor. In therapy in the 2000s, we really delved into all this and as much as I bitch about my therapist being a pill-pusher, he really opened my eyes to how our parents were using me as a weapon against each other in their marriage squabbles during my youth.
THIS is what my brother was jealous of? THIS is why he thinks I got "all the attention"? THIS is what he cut off his family for?
He's a moron. A complete moron. A self-involved little crybaby with a domineering cunt wife whose back hair immediately stood on end like a cat's the minute she was introduced to my family. She found joy in being a bitch to them. I remember, because for a time, I thought it was funny and she loved telling me about it.
It's sad. And when I say it is sad, I mean for my parents. That their son was so unintelligent and driven by such vindictive, effeminate emotion that he could not logically analyze his own motivations. He had no capacity for self-reflection. Could it be he was just terrified of his own wife? I could believe that. Though I'll never know, nor do I care.
I can genuinely say I have reflected less on the loss of this person as a brother than I have over losing a pet or ending a bad relationship I didn't even want to be in. Those kinds of experiences have true value in life, even as negatively as they can be construed. I learned something from such events. I changed and grew because of such events.
When I think on this person that is my brother, I only feel embarrassment that I am related to a person so lacking in any kind of integrity or self-knowledge. An adult driven by the emotions of a child and manipulated by what one must assume was a golden pussy, attached to the queen of the sea cows.
I jest, but like so many other experiences, when I reflect on people from my past, I "love to hate" some of them, so to speak. I love to feel the negative energies of it and laugh at insulting them. I am sure it is not healthy or mature, but it does often make my ego feel better when I do this sort of reflection and analysis.
But unlike other people from my past, I barely had any level of a relationship with my brother to reflect on. When I think on the topic, it is always from the perspective of how his asinine choices affected our parents. Genuine cruelty in action. Once my mother dies, the subject will be buried, no pun intended.