Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972.
One of the Sparrow's ex coworkers is having a 30th birthday party tonight. I found out about a week ago it was 90s themed. Initially I didn't really think much of it. I figured she's a straight, married woman in the boondocks. Her husband is this gruff, tabacco-chewing, cowboy hat wearing bumpkin. I assumed the overall energy would be low, especially from him and his friends. I just have never met most anyone that gets into a theme or costume party. People do the minimum of effort because unfortunately, most people aren't fun.
Which is ironic, because as of late I've been feeling old and "un-fun" myself.
But, about 24 hours ago I started to get that way I get, in which I feel like going all-out for the occasion. I guess at least one other chick the Sparrow knows said she was going to "dress up", though again, she's another ex coworker of his and she's only like 25, so I doubt there will be much effort there. Though I am open to being surprised. I am curious what someone who was not even conscious of having lived in part of the 90s would put together as an outfit.
To get into the spirit of things we watched 'Clueless' last night. I do not think I've seen the film since the mid-2000s, if not earlier. It was a complete blast from the past viewing it. We had been absolutely obsessed with that movie after seeing it in the summer of 1995. We all talked like them, acted like them at parties... it was one of the pinnacle movies of the era. The only other one I can think of that really roped us in was 'Romy and Michele's High School Reunion'. I mean, we were Batman crazy when 'Batman Forever' came out but those other two movies had way more of a cultural impact on our lives.
This prompted me to put on some of my 90s playlists as I drove to get my haircut this morning. Which itself was also well-timed considering I go back to the area where I grew up in to do so. I am sure I drove down some of the very same roads listening to the very same music 30+ years ago.
The funny thing about this kind of nostalgia, which I know I've commented on before, is how much of it is wrapped up in emotion. I have memories of events, cultural phenomena, clothes, music and all the rest. Things my mind can conjure up to represent the time. But, there is something else there, that within me is so much more powerful. And it is pure emotion and feelings. Sensations without words but nonetheless I am fully aware that their origin or home is within that time period.
If I had to even try to describe the sensation, it is a combination of many feelings. The main one being a huge ball of anxiety in my chest. It is not necessarily a "negative" anxiety, but it is an electric, powerful force. It is palpable. And within this giant electric sensation are other emotions. A feeling of youth. As if a memory of it that was pure feeling. I can remember the idealism, and wonder and newness of everything. The naivety. The invincibility. Almost as if being untouched by the stresses of life. Though, it was a *very* dramatic time, so that feeling is somewhat false. I suppose a good phrase to describe it would be "growing pains".
I think back to the absolute madness of growing up back then. The chemicals in my body changing everything. My brain developing into adulthood. So many, many experiences being the first of their kind. All the drama and tears and laughter. I wonder about today's youth and how fucked up they are living in a world where their teachers, celebrities and other peers are telling them to cut their dicks and breasts off if they think they were "born in the wrong body". It is total madness. Youth is already a highly emotional, confusing time. And in "current year" you have all these crazy people and mentally broken adults shoving this shit onto kids.
It is sad too, because these kids today could be, and likely are being, robbed of the experience of discovery that we were allowed to go through in our time. We didn't have teachers telling us to go suck dicks and shove dildos in our asses. We had conflicted feelings, and we absolutely felt like we needed to hide them, but in retrospect it made the time so much richer and full of realization. We weren't told how to be. We had no real examples to model who were were exactly. We had to figure it out for ourselves.
The "memory emotions" I was feeling the entire car ride, and even right now, I cannot express enough how powerful it is. Images flashing through my mind, the briefest sounds of songs ringing in the ears of my brain. In one split second I am laughing, in the next I am feeling embarrassed about some aspect of myself before rocketing into a moment of enlightenment over something or another that is commonplace now.
In moments after all this, there is another feeling. When I sit here and consider that I am going to a party where I will be one of the oldest people there. That I will be one of the few people there who actually lived through the 90s and was completely aware of everything going on. I was not a child or a baby. My memories are not clouded by that much youth. I was old enough to remember the entire decade.
And as I've said a few times before, I hate getting old. I want to feel young and dumb again. I want youth and the stamina and energy that comes with a body not yet broken by time. I want my big, bouffant hair back. My skinny waist. My first Jeep. And as much as I cared about looking a fool and worrying about other people's opinions, it seems the stupidity of youth barely made such things a blip compared to the years after.
I actually have a few pieces of clothing I have saved for 30 years that I was debating wearing tonight. One is my beloved trench coat that I bought at Sears in the fall/winter of 1993. It is this faded green, full length trench with a leather collar. It actually came with a hood that could be zipped on but I don't think I ever attached the thing. I wore this coat everywhere. I was known by this coat. It was one of many things I bought because *I* liked it and I did not care what anyone thought. THAT is the power of youth.
I remember years and years later I'd dug the coat out in the early or mid 2000s. I wore it once somewhere and it was met with the usual negative condemnation from my "friends" at that time. I could never get rid of the coat though. It went into a box and spent the next 15 years in my parent's crawlspace until I took possession of all my junk when I got a house.
There was also my famous hoodie in the box. This thing I got at Kohls I believe in the early 90s. It is a sleeveless, button down hoodie that was white-ish with multi colored stripes. I wore this thing EVERYWHERE. In fact, after I turned 21 and started going to Hunters I was known by some groups of people there as "the boy in the hood" because I would wear this thing constantly, just changing whatever shirt I had on underneath it. It was yet another item I simply could not part with.
I am sad I didn't hang on to more things, if for any other reason an occasion like tonight, where I could pull them out and use them. Unfortunately, I'd purged many things during my many moves but not as much as I did in 2020 preparing for our move into this house. I let go of bags and bags of things I no longer used or thought I would ever need. I could have had a discman walkman to wear tonight. Old carpenter jeans. Old hats. Just an absolute cornucopia of accessories had I only just hung onto things.
Oh, I do have my old Doc Martins. I am not sure if I am going to wear those tonight. I have a few pairs of hightop Converse as well. Of course, after many years I started wearing Timberland work boots all the time just like I did in the 1990s when I worked at the lumberyard. I am not sure if I look like I am clinging to youth that they are my main shoe choice these days. I just find them comfortable and versatile. So, I could just wear those. Aside from a proper pair of jeans, I'll literally be wearing an outfit I would have back in 1994.
As is also my way, I am going to put together a 90s playlist in my iTunes and on Spotify just in case. I have a bad feeling that these people are just going to be playing shit music, nothing 90s related. Which blows my mind if it does happen because why the hell would you have a theme party and not totally embrace the theme. So, on the off chance they didn't prepare, and anyone mentions wishing they had, I can step forth and "get the party started" so to speak.
Another thing I remember was how I was journaling in high school and a bit after. At least till late 1994/95 I think. I eventually came out to my friend from the lumberyard and promptly and dramatically decided to burn the entire fucking stack of entries in his parent's fireplace as a "symbolic act" that I was letting go of being gay. After watching 'Clueless' and seeing there's a similar seen of burning memories in that film I am betting I was doing so because I'd seen it there. What a moron I was. It would be absolute GOLD to have those writings now. I mean, the insight from the past twenty years out here is one thing. But, to truly have my mind to paper from when I was in my late teens would be incredible.
If there was ever a positive to typing a journal online it was my ability to prevent myself from completely deleting the thing in some dramatic act. I've gone the opposite direction now, and I have backup upon backup in multiple places and on multiple websites. So basically the only thing that would wipe this baby out now would be an EMP. Though, I have most seriously considered somehow getting a physical copy printed or made.
I hope things are fun tonight. And I hope I can prevent myself from feeling stupid or awkward about likely being the most dressed up there. But, fuck it... it's not my problem if other people are lame asses.
Which is ironic, because as of late I've been feeling old and "un-fun" myself.
But, about 24 hours ago I started to get that way I get, in which I feel like going all-out for the occasion. I guess at least one other chick the Sparrow knows said she was going to "dress up", though again, she's another ex coworker of his and she's only like 25, so I doubt there will be much effort there. Though I am open to being surprised. I am curious what someone who was not even conscious of having lived in part of the 90s would put together as an outfit.
To get into the spirit of things we watched 'Clueless' last night. I do not think I've seen the film since the mid-2000s, if not earlier. It was a complete blast from the past viewing it. We had been absolutely obsessed with that movie after seeing it in the summer of 1995. We all talked like them, acted like them at parties... it was one of the pinnacle movies of the era. The only other one I can think of that really roped us in was 'Romy and Michele's High School Reunion'. I mean, we were Batman crazy when 'Batman Forever' came out but those other two movies had way more of a cultural impact on our lives.
This prompted me to put on some of my 90s playlists as I drove to get my haircut this morning. Which itself was also well-timed considering I go back to the area where I grew up in to do so. I am sure I drove down some of the very same roads listening to the very same music 30+ years ago.
The funny thing about this kind of nostalgia, which I know I've commented on before, is how much of it is wrapped up in emotion. I have memories of events, cultural phenomena, clothes, music and all the rest. Things my mind can conjure up to represent the time. But, there is something else there, that within me is so much more powerful. And it is pure emotion and feelings. Sensations without words but nonetheless I am fully aware that their origin or home is within that time period.
If I had to even try to describe the sensation, it is a combination of many feelings. The main one being a huge ball of anxiety in my chest. It is not necessarily a "negative" anxiety, but it is an electric, powerful force. It is palpable. And within this giant electric sensation are other emotions. A feeling of youth. As if a memory of it that was pure feeling. I can remember the idealism, and wonder and newness of everything. The naivety. The invincibility. Almost as if being untouched by the stresses of life. Though, it was a *very* dramatic time, so that feeling is somewhat false. I suppose a good phrase to describe it would be "growing pains".
I think back to the absolute madness of growing up back then. The chemicals in my body changing everything. My brain developing into adulthood. So many, many experiences being the first of their kind. All the drama and tears and laughter. I wonder about today's youth and how fucked up they are living in a world where their teachers, celebrities and other peers are telling them to cut their dicks and breasts off if they think they were "born in the wrong body". It is total madness. Youth is already a highly emotional, confusing time. And in "current year" you have all these crazy people and mentally broken adults shoving this shit onto kids.
It is sad too, because these kids today could be, and likely are being, robbed of the experience of discovery that we were allowed to go through in our time. We didn't have teachers telling us to go suck dicks and shove dildos in our asses. We had conflicted feelings, and we absolutely felt like we needed to hide them, but in retrospect it made the time so much richer and full of realization. We weren't told how to be. We had no real examples to model who were were exactly. We had to figure it out for ourselves.
The "memory emotions" I was feeling the entire car ride, and even right now, I cannot express enough how powerful it is. Images flashing through my mind, the briefest sounds of songs ringing in the ears of my brain. In one split second I am laughing, in the next I am feeling embarrassed about some aspect of myself before rocketing into a moment of enlightenment over something or another that is commonplace now.
In moments after all this, there is another feeling. When I sit here and consider that I am going to a party where I will be one of the oldest people there. That I will be one of the few people there who actually lived through the 90s and was completely aware of everything going on. I was not a child or a baby. My memories are not clouded by that much youth. I was old enough to remember the entire decade.
And as I've said a few times before, I hate getting old. I want to feel young and dumb again. I want youth and the stamina and energy that comes with a body not yet broken by time. I want my big, bouffant hair back. My skinny waist. My first Jeep. And as much as I cared about looking a fool and worrying about other people's opinions, it seems the stupidity of youth barely made such things a blip compared to the years after.
I actually have a few pieces of clothing I have saved for 30 years that I was debating wearing tonight. One is my beloved trench coat that I bought at Sears in the fall/winter of 1993. It is this faded green, full length trench with a leather collar. It actually came with a hood that could be zipped on but I don't think I ever attached the thing. I wore this coat everywhere. I was known by this coat. It was one of many things I bought because *I* liked it and I did not care what anyone thought. THAT is the power of youth.
I remember years and years later I'd dug the coat out in the early or mid 2000s. I wore it once somewhere and it was met with the usual negative condemnation from my "friends" at that time. I could never get rid of the coat though. It went into a box and spent the next 15 years in my parent's crawlspace until I took possession of all my junk when I got a house.
There was also my famous hoodie in the box. This thing I got at Kohls I believe in the early 90s. It is a sleeveless, button down hoodie that was white-ish with multi colored stripes. I wore this thing EVERYWHERE. In fact, after I turned 21 and started going to Hunters I was known by some groups of people there as "the boy in the hood" because I would wear this thing constantly, just changing whatever shirt I had on underneath it. It was yet another item I simply could not part with.
I am sad I didn't hang on to more things, if for any other reason an occasion like tonight, where I could pull them out and use them. Unfortunately, I'd purged many things during my many moves but not as much as I did in 2020 preparing for our move into this house. I let go of bags and bags of things I no longer used or thought I would ever need. I could have had a discman walkman to wear tonight. Old carpenter jeans. Old hats. Just an absolute cornucopia of accessories had I only just hung onto things.
Oh, I do have my old Doc Martins. I am not sure if I am going to wear those tonight. I have a few pairs of hightop Converse as well. Of course, after many years I started wearing Timberland work boots all the time just like I did in the 1990s when I worked at the lumberyard. I am not sure if I look like I am clinging to youth that they are my main shoe choice these days. I just find them comfortable and versatile. So, I could just wear those. Aside from a proper pair of jeans, I'll literally be wearing an outfit I would have back in 1994.
As is also my way, I am going to put together a 90s playlist in my iTunes and on Spotify just in case. I have a bad feeling that these people are just going to be playing shit music, nothing 90s related. Which blows my mind if it does happen because why the hell would you have a theme party and not totally embrace the theme. So, on the off chance they didn't prepare, and anyone mentions wishing they had, I can step forth and "get the party started" so to speak.
Another thing I remember was how I was journaling in high school and a bit after. At least till late 1994/95 I think. I eventually came out to my friend from the lumberyard and promptly and dramatically decided to burn the entire fucking stack of entries in his parent's fireplace as a "symbolic act" that I was letting go of being gay. After watching 'Clueless' and seeing there's a similar seen of burning memories in that film I am betting I was doing so because I'd seen it there. What a moron I was. It would be absolute GOLD to have those writings now. I mean, the insight from the past twenty years out here is one thing. But, to truly have my mind to paper from when I was in my late teens would be incredible.
If there was ever a positive to typing a journal online it was my ability to prevent myself from completely deleting the thing in some dramatic act. I've gone the opposite direction now, and I have backup upon backup in multiple places and on multiple websites. So basically the only thing that would wipe this baby out now would be an EMP. Though, I have most seriously considered somehow getting a physical copy printed or made.
I hope things are fun tonight. And I hope I can prevent myself from feeling stupid or awkward about likely being the most dressed up there. But, fuck it... it's not my problem if other people are lame asses.