Lying is done with words, and also with silence.
I've actually completed (more or less) the rereading of my life in these pages. It has been an incredible journey of remembrance and reflection. I have relived emotions and amusements and been reminded of the growth I have made as a man and a human being. I see in ways how I have not changed at all, and yet still other ways in which my past self seems almost as if a stranger. Truly in some of the entries I reread, I had completely forgotten events and moments that at the time seemed world-ending and soul-crushing.
Because I often knew what lay ahead, it was such a bizarre experience to read about myself, remembering the emotions and the thought processes. I often found myself in my head, saying to this past version of me to hold on just a little longer. Or even chuckling at the prophetic statements I'd make, not knowing how they would come true in the weeks and years ahead. It has been a true gift to be able to do this reanalysis. Partially because I think I am going through another metamorphosis. Perhaps not something major like in the past, but changing... always changing.
There are, of course, always things that were not written I'd intended to. Events from the past, moments in time. Really, the whole span of life around 2014 through 2022 is a bit of a lost chapter. There are only a handful of pages from those years, as I'd lost interest in journaling and was distracted by life. I do feel this was a mistake on my part. I judged myself so harshly for keeping this record, thinking it was childish and foolish. In that impression I can fully admit, I was dead wrong. I lacked the confidence and the spirit during those times to see the purpose.
I would always remember the quote, "A writer writers, always". I don't know if some literary great ever said that, but it is a line from 'Throw Mama From The Train'. Not even a movie I've seen more than twice maybe. Yet, somehow that single line of dialogue has resonated in my head for decades.
There was one incident I don't think I ever wrote about. I tried skimming through the entries from 2017 onward, but I did not see that I'd ever talked about it. It is no more or less of an "important" event, but I had referenced it when writing about "The Boat Incident", saying I needed to tell that story. If I did, that means I'll be repeating myself. But, what else is new.
It all involves Agent Smith, who had "divorced" from his partner, the Bulldog after their wedding we'd laughed about being a total sham. He had moved into a new apartment down in the Gold Coast I believe. This was after I had decided to end the friendship with Rockwell. There was discussion for months about Agent Smith wanting to have a housewarming party, but he had concerns over the "drama" of inviting Rockwell and myself. Initially I'd told him that it was fine if he preferred to invite Rockwell and I could just take a pass on the party. Smith however would say he didn't want to do that.
I don't know how much time passed between those conversations up until a Sunday around September of 2017 (I think), in which a couple we all knew had their yearly fall party. They lived in Uptown/Andersonville in a beautiful restored Victorian house. I'd written about them many times in the past. They were good acquaintances and the one guy in particular was always very nice to me. His partner was a nice guy, but a tad more aloof in general.
I'd debated whether or not to go to their party because I knew Rockwell would be there. I wasn't afraid about seeing him, I just had zero desire to be in the same room. But, as the date approached I decided I didn't give a shit about people from my past or the drama surrounding them. I ended the friendship because it was toxic. There was no reason whatsoever I should have felt badly about it, and honestly I didn't. It truly was one of the better choices of my adult life.
So, the Sparrow and I went to this shindig. I am not sure he'd met too many people from my past at that point. We'd only been together about a year at this time. The party itself was all fine. There was no drama to speak of. Comically, Rockwell kept his sunglasses on, inside, during the whole party as if to be able to stare right over at us as I blatantly did not acknowledge his presence. Meanwhile, the Doctor and Agent Smith had to go pay deference to him from time to time to keep him appeased, lest they face the wrath of his screeching outbursts at their insolence.
It was during a conversation we had while the Doctor, Smith and the hosts were all in our circle that I commented to Smith that if he wanted to have his housewarming, I'd go even if Rockwell was there. That I just didn't care anymore one way or the other and that as far as I was concerned, it wouldn't be uncomfortable for me. Smith made some comment or another, basically saying he wasn't going to have a party after all. It was no big deal, as far as I knew at the time. Though, I'd come to find out otherwise not long after.
A funny side note, Rockwell was there with his future husband who the Doctor kept wanting to bring over to meet me. It was quite funny because he thought the guy and I would get along great. But, I told him that he was probably told I was literally Hitler by Rockwell and hated my guts. Nor do I think Rockwell would have allowed such a thing.
So, the party was ending and we were all getting ready to go. I think at this point Rockwell and Smith had left. As we were saying good bye to the hosts, the one I was moreso friends with had to stop us right there and point blank told me that he *needed* me to know that Agent Smith had had his housewarming party literally the night before, they'd all been there and that Smith had essentially lied to my face right in front of everyone about it. Worse yet, the Doctor also knew and partook in the deception. I vaguely remember at the time chastising him for something so stupid.
Agent Smith was always a liar. He was famously known for being so. In that respect, it wasn't exactly shocking. Yet, I was still deeply cut by this that everyone standing around partaking in the convo already knew the party had taken place. Aside from those I mentioned, I believe Smith had his boyfriend of the hour in the circle and there may well have been others. So, there I was talking about some event I was clueless had already occurred. And it seemed everyone around already knew and let me look like a fool.
I just actually looked on my phone, because I couldn't remember the exact details of what happened next. The host guy was VERY upset about the whole situation and was angry with Smith for making me look like a fool. He was adamant that the truth be told. It seems right at this moment Smith had texted me an image of my Jeep parked outside saying he loved it. To which I responded "Wow, you had your housewarming yesterday. You're such a bitch lol".
It seems in the moment, I played it off. He asked if the Doctor told me, to which I said I couldn't tell. I joked that he was on "Team Rockwell", to which he claimed he "tried" to stay out of it. That he "should have" done what the hosts of the party we were at did and just invited us both and let "both of you guys figure it out".
I pointed out that just 15 minutes before he'd told me he'd decided not to have a party, to which he said he was "avoiding". I told him I didn't care in the end about being invited, which I had expressed previously to free him of his "guilt" over the dilemma before the party had even happened. I pointed out that he'd lied directly to my face, after I was his best man at his wedding, "E tu Brute".
He followed that up with several texts telling me how much he "missed" me and how we needed to "hang out soon". He asked if would could the next weekend, to which I replied "Totes". But, I already knew at that point that my friendship with him was over in that very moment.
The first time in all our history, the very next weekend he seemingly remembered we'd talked about hanging out and texted me to keep him "posted" about "our plans for tonight", even though we had not spoken and had not made any. I never responded to this text. It is funny now remembering this because, having read through my journal, I know that there were dozens upon dozens of times over the years we'd made plans, talked about and scheduled them, that he would "forget" we had, leaving me high and dry.
Two months later in December he texted me a Facebook "Friendversy" reminder that we'd been linked on the site ten years that day. Comically, he sent the text and image twice within ten minutes. I never responded to that either and he seemingly understood in that moment that I'd already decided the friendship was over.
Apparently, before Rockwell left the party he told the Doctor they were going to Sidetrack and told him *not* to tell me. Which was really the dumbest thing we'd ever heard. The Sparrow and I were laughing about it and he decided it'd be a good idea to go there just to fuck with Rockwell's mind. The Doctor was worried about getting yelled at, but he came along anyway.
We weren't in the bar that long as we really didn't want to be there. There were a few people from the past who I hadn't seen in a while who came and talked to us. Including this ancient old queen in Rockwell's group whose twenty-something gold-digger boyfriend was giving snide looks and pretending he and Rockwell were having the time of their lives whenever we were in sight of them. It was all so childish and stupid and only reiterated to me what a positive and life-changing decision it was to end the toxic friendships I had and distance myself from the "community".
I am not sure, but I don't think it was too long after this that I also ended my friendships with the Curmudgeon and the Italian. In large part due to their toxic behavior in trying to end my relationship with the Sparrow, as well as the fact they were both suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome.
After we left Sidetrack that night I remember on the drive home I began crying, much to the bewilderment of the poor Sparrow. It wasn't an ugly crying like I used to be so apt at doing. It was a very silent, solemn period of tears. I cannot say it was the first time I had felt the sensation, but I do think each time one tastes betrayal it always has a fresh sting to it.
I was going through such a huge transitional period in my life at that time. I was shedding the skin of my past, having left the city and my almost complete separation from the "community". I can have more perspective on it now having read other entries in which my supposed "friends" would lie to my face and treat me like shit, and then turn it around and blame it on me. That somehow who I was or wasn't dictated to them that I deserved this treatment.
Really it was my relationship with the Sparrow that opened my eyes to the fact that a person could have healthy, trusting relationships with people. And that in order for a person to be uplifted or have esteem it did not require putting down or stepping over the other people in their lives. For it was not just my relationship with him, but also in my viewing of his friendships with the people he knew.
I do not think it was even Agent Smith that made me shed the tears that night. I always knew he was a liar, everyone did. I think more so it was the Doctor not saying anything and allowing me to look like a fool that hurt me. He and I may not have the kind of friendship where we are in constant contact and share all the same interests. But, he was one of the few people at that time I did consider a true friend and it was that more than anything from which it felt the knife had been plunged into me.
As I sit here reliving that day and those memories it is funny to think my current life lacks all of this kind of drama. The most conflict we get into here is the Sparrow getting mad at me for scaring him and me getting annoyed with him for putting things in the dishwasher wrong. Perspective, self-esteem, self-worth, confidence... I guess for me it has all come with age. Perhaps for other people, they learn it from their parents or from harsher life experiences early on.
It seems I always knew liars and manipulators, people with no self-esteem or respect, certainly people who found no value in a friendship with me. I do get mad at myself for staying in those toxic situations, but I just didn't know any better. Well, it's not that I didn't "know". I can see from my past writing that I knew something was wrong. I was putting the pieces together and trying to get myself to accept the reality. Such is life.
I could just never see myself now allowing anyone to treat me how my "friends" did back then.
Because I often knew what lay ahead, it was such a bizarre experience to read about myself, remembering the emotions and the thought processes. I often found myself in my head, saying to this past version of me to hold on just a little longer. Or even chuckling at the prophetic statements I'd make, not knowing how they would come true in the weeks and years ahead. It has been a true gift to be able to do this reanalysis. Partially because I think I am going through another metamorphosis. Perhaps not something major like in the past, but changing... always changing.
There are, of course, always things that were not written I'd intended to. Events from the past, moments in time. Really, the whole span of life around 2014 through 2022 is a bit of a lost chapter. There are only a handful of pages from those years, as I'd lost interest in journaling and was distracted by life. I do feel this was a mistake on my part. I judged myself so harshly for keeping this record, thinking it was childish and foolish. In that impression I can fully admit, I was dead wrong. I lacked the confidence and the spirit during those times to see the purpose.
I would always remember the quote, "A writer writers, always". I don't know if some literary great ever said that, but it is a line from 'Throw Mama From The Train'. Not even a movie I've seen more than twice maybe. Yet, somehow that single line of dialogue has resonated in my head for decades.
There was one incident I don't think I ever wrote about. I tried skimming through the entries from 2017 onward, but I did not see that I'd ever talked about it. It is no more or less of an "important" event, but I had referenced it when writing about "The Boat Incident", saying I needed to tell that story. If I did, that means I'll be repeating myself. But, what else is new.
It all involves Agent Smith, who had "divorced" from his partner, the Bulldog after their wedding we'd laughed about being a total sham. He had moved into a new apartment down in the Gold Coast I believe. This was after I had decided to end the friendship with Rockwell. There was discussion for months about Agent Smith wanting to have a housewarming party, but he had concerns over the "drama" of inviting Rockwell and myself. Initially I'd told him that it was fine if he preferred to invite Rockwell and I could just take a pass on the party. Smith however would say he didn't want to do that.
I don't know how much time passed between those conversations up until a Sunday around September of 2017 (I think), in which a couple we all knew had their yearly fall party. They lived in Uptown/Andersonville in a beautiful restored Victorian house. I'd written about them many times in the past. They were good acquaintances and the one guy in particular was always very nice to me. His partner was a nice guy, but a tad more aloof in general.
I'd debated whether or not to go to their party because I knew Rockwell would be there. I wasn't afraid about seeing him, I just had zero desire to be in the same room. But, as the date approached I decided I didn't give a shit about people from my past or the drama surrounding them. I ended the friendship because it was toxic. There was no reason whatsoever I should have felt badly about it, and honestly I didn't. It truly was one of the better choices of my adult life.
So, the Sparrow and I went to this shindig. I am not sure he'd met too many people from my past at that point. We'd only been together about a year at this time. The party itself was all fine. There was no drama to speak of. Comically, Rockwell kept his sunglasses on, inside, during the whole party as if to be able to stare right over at us as I blatantly did not acknowledge his presence. Meanwhile, the Doctor and Agent Smith had to go pay deference to him from time to time to keep him appeased, lest they face the wrath of his screeching outbursts at their insolence.
It was during a conversation we had while the Doctor, Smith and the hosts were all in our circle that I commented to Smith that if he wanted to have his housewarming, I'd go even if Rockwell was there. That I just didn't care anymore one way or the other and that as far as I was concerned, it wouldn't be uncomfortable for me. Smith made some comment or another, basically saying he wasn't going to have a party after all. It was no big deal, as far as I knew at the time. Though, I'd come to find out otherwise not long after.
A funny side note, Rockwell was there with his future husband who the Doctor kept wanting to bring over to meet me. It was quite funny because he thought the guy and I would get along great. But, I told him that he was probably told I was literally Hitler by Rockwell and hated my guts. Nor do I think Rockwell would have allowed such a thing.
So, the party was ending and we were all getting ready to go. I think at this point Rockwell and Smith had left. As we were saying good bye to the hosts, the one I was moreso friends with had to stop us right there and point blank told me that he *needed* me to know that Agent Smith had had his housewarming party literally the night before, they'd all been there and that Smith had essentially lied to my face right in front of everyone about it. Worse yet, the Doctor also knew and partook in the deception. I vaguely remember at the time chastising him for something so stupid.
Agent Smith was always a liar. He was famously known for being so. In that respect, it wasn't exactly shocking. Yet, I was still deeply cut by this that everyone standing around partaking in the convo already knew the party had taken place. Aside from those I mentioned, I believe Smith had his boyfriend of the hour in the circle and there may well have been others. So, there I was talking about some event I was clueless had already occurred. And it seemed everyone around already knew and let me look like a fool.
I just actually looked on my phone, because I couldn't remember the exact details of what happened next. The host guy was VERY upset about the whole situation and was angry with Smith for making me look like a fool. He was adamant that the truth be told. It seems right at this moment Smith had texted me an image of my Jeep parked outside saying he loved it. To which I responded "Wow, you had your housewarming yesterday. You're such a bitch lol".
It seems in the moment, I played it off. He asked if the Doctor told me, to which I said I couldn't tell. I joked that he was on "Team Rockwell", to which he claimed he "tried" to stay out of it. That he "should have" done what the hosts of the party we were at did and just invited us both and let "both of you guys figure it out".
I pointed out that just 15 minutes before he'd told me he'd decided not to have a party, to which he said he was "avoiding". I told him I didn't care in the end about being invited, which I had expressed previously to free him of his "guilt" over the dilemma before the party had even happened. I pointed out that he'd lied directly to my face, after I was his best man at his wedding, "E tu Brute".
He followed that up with several texts telling me how much he "missed" me and how we needed to "hang out soon". He asked if would could the next weekend, to which I replied "Totes". But, I already knew at that point that my friendship with him was over in that very moment.
The first time in all our history, the very next weekend he seemingly remembered we'd talked about hanging out and texted me to keep him "posted" about "our plans for tonight", even though we had not spoken and had not made any. I never responded to this text. It is funny now remembering this because, having read through my journal, I know that there were dozens upon dozens of times over the years we'd made plans, talked about and scheduled them, that he would "forget" we had, leaving me high and dry.
Two months later in December he texted me a Facebook "Friendversy" reminder that we'd been linked on the site ten years that day. Comically, he sent the text and image twice within ten minutes. I never responded to that either and he seemingly understood in that moment that I'd already decided the friendship was over.
Apparently, before Rockwell left the party he told the Doctor they were going to Sidetrack and told him *not* to tell me. Which was really the dumbest thing we'd ever heard. The Sparrow and I were laughing about it and he decided it'd be a good idea to go there just to fuck with Rockwell's mind. The Doctor was worried about getting yelled at, but he came along anyway.
We weren't in the bar that long as we really didn't want to be there. There were a few people from the past who I hadn't seen in a while who came and talked to us. Including this ancient old queen in Rockwell's group whose twenty-something gold-digger boyfriend was giving snide looks and pretending he and Rockwell were having the time of their lives whenever we were in sight of them. It was all so childish and stupid and only reiterated to me what a positive and life-changing decision it was to end the toxic friendships I had and distance myself from the "community".
I am not sure, but I don't think it was too long after this that I also ended my friendships with the Curmudgeon and the Italian. In large part due to their toxic behavior in trying to end my relationship with the Sparrow, as well as the fact they were both suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome.
After we left Sidetrack that night I remember on the drive home I began crying, much to the bewilderment of the poor Sparrow. It wasn't an ugly crying like I used to be so apt at doing. It was a very silent, solemn period of tears. I cannot say it was the first time I had felt the sensation, but I do think each time one tastes betrayal it always has a fresh sting to it.
I was going through such a huge transitional period in my life at that time. I was shedding the skin of my past, having left the city and my almost complete separation from the "community". I can have more perspective on it now having read other entries in which my supposed "friends" would lie to my face and treat me like shit, and then turn it around and blame it on me. That somehow who I was or wasn't dictated to them that I deserved this treatment.
Really it was my relationship with the Sparrow that opened my eyes to the fact that a person could have healthy, trusting relationships with people. And that in order for a person to be uplifted or have esteem it did not require putting down or stepping over the other people in their lives. For it was not just my relationship with him, but also in my viewing of his friendships with the people he knew.
I do not think it was even Agent Smith that made me shed the tears that night. I always knew he was a liar, everyone did. I think more so it was the Doctor not saying anything and allowing me to look like a fool that hurt me. He and I may not have the kind of friendship where we are in constant contact and share all the same interests. But, he was one of the few people at that time I did consider a true friend and it was that more than anything from which it felt the knife had been plunged into me.
As I sit here reliving that day and those memories it is funny to think my current life lacks all of this kind of drama. The most conflict we get into here is the Sparrow getting mad at me for scaring him and me getting annoyed with him for putting things in the dishwasher wrong. Perspective, self-esteem, self-worth, confidence... I guess for me it has all come with age. Perhaps for other people, they learn it from their parents or from harsher life experiences early on.
It seems I always knew liars and manipulators, people with no self-esteem or respect, certainly people who found no value in a friendship with me. I do get mad at myself for staying in those toxic situations, but I just didn't know any better. Well, it's not that I didn't "know". I can see from my past writing that I knew something was wrong. I was putting the pieces together and trying to get myself to accept the reality. Such is life.
I could just never see myself now allowing anyone to treat me how my "friends" did back then.