2005: A Retrospect
The funniest thing of all is that 2005 has ended exactly as it started... in misery and angst-ridden whining. I started it out hating life and hoping for change, got the change, went through a whole lot of shit yet somehow ended up in exactly the same place I was 365 days ago. Obviously, it is clear I have not learned whatever lesson life was supposed to teach me this year.
It seems like a paradox though that a year defined by such negativity and bitterness could have contained within it some of the greatest fun and growth of my existence. Who can forget Mardi Gras. One of the best times I have ever had in my life. Of course, not too many months later New Orleans was practically wiped out. But, at least I got there when it was still good.
I turned thirty. Somewhat of an anti-climactic event, but I did get a surprise trip to Atlanta which was great.
For the first time ever I took all my talk about health and exercise and made it into action, and that above anything else was my greatest accomplishment of the year. I look back even just five months ago and I see I was a completely different person than I was on 1/1/2005 or even now on the second to the last day of the year. Something phenomenal happened to me over the summer and my only hope is somehow to find that part of me again.
I loved life then. Even if work was causing me grief, I found my chi, my center.. whatever it was. And opened up the trinity within myself to possibility. I think it was one of the best summers of my life and nothing that major even happened to define it as such per say.
Work. The great disaster. Was it the worst choice I’ve ever made? Am I on a twisted road to something better?
Looking back in my journal to all I wrote about changing jobs, I cannot help but feel like a total ass at how things turned out. There I was ready to commit suicide or kill Dearest when it finally happened. After seven long years of servitude under that twit I finally fulfilled my dream of working in the city. Who could have known it would turn out to be a situation three times as bad as anything the Circus did to me on it’s worst day. In less than six month my new job brought out in me what it took almost seven years to do at the Circus.
Working at the new job turned me into a misogynist. I didn’t even know what one was a year ago.
Did I do it to myself? Is the world against me? Is this a stepping stone? I still think the lesson that wasn’t learned has to do with me taking control of my own life which has always terrified me. I got this job through a friend. I didn’t work for it. I didn’t do much at all. I don’t consider sitting through two interviews to be work. Disappointment will follow me as long as I let other people dictate my future.
I know the change is possible because I went through major change, by my own will power in a different area of my life. It’s all my life. Even what I see as the shitty aspects. It’s all in my control. I just can’t stop myself from being lazy.
I gave up resolutions last year because I’d gotten too insane with them. A huge list, outlined with sub-topics and addendum. It’s not worth it. I know the things that need to be done. The first is obvious.
One thing that I really dropped the ball on this year was my debt. It had been my goal to pay it off at thirty, and I may very well have added two years to my goal just in the past six months. When you’re charging groceries on your credit card because you don’t have enough cash, then something needs to be corrected.
I’ve waned in my healthy eating as the year has ended. The past month I have just done a horrible job. Hershey bars for breakfast? Granted, exercising in Chicago in the winter can be tough, but that’s no excuse to eat like shit. I need to find my way back on the path I was following before. When I was treating my body right I felt so good all over. It was a great lesson to learn. I was happy with ”me”.
And the future. So many things I realize I want that I couldn’t see before because my goals involved getting drunk and buying things I couldn’t afford. I want a house. A garden. A dog. Internal peace. I want to spend time with my family. I want to learn about history. I want to retain all the information that passes through my brain I lose because of shitty sleep habits and horrendous work hours. I want to be a complete person. Not just the imitation of one on the outside.
I don’t expect my life to suddenly come together in this next year. It might be months before I get off my ass and do something. But, I am starting to get a little too old to whine all the fucking time. It’s boring and it’s been done. I have the choice, and currently I choose to be the victim. I don’t have to crucify myself for it but sooner or later I have to say when enough is enough and act.
New years are all about possibility. And, as soon as I leave this sweltering office and have a few days to my- self this weekend, that will be even clearer to me than it is right now.
It seems like a paradox though that a year defined by such negativity and bitterness could have contained within it some of the greatest fun and growth of my existence. Who can forget Mardi Gras. One of the best times I have ever had in my life. Of course, not too many months later New Orleans was practically wiped out. But, at least I got there when it was still good.
I turned thirty. Somewhat of an anti-climactic event, but I did get a surprise trip to Atlanta which was great.
For the first time ever I took all my talk about health and exercise and made it into action, and that above anything else was my greatest accomplishment of the year. I look back even just five months ago and I see I was a completely different person than I was on 1/1/2005 or even now on the second to the last day of the year. Something phenomenal happened to me over the summer and my only hope is somehow to find that part of me again.
I loved life then. Even if work was causing me grief, I found my chi, my center.. whatever it was. And opened up the trinity within myself to possibility. I think it was one of the best summers of my life and nothing that major even happened to define it as such per say.
Work. The great disaster. Was it the worst choice I’ve ever made? Am I on a twisted road to something better?
Looking back in my journal to all I wrote about changing jobs, I cannot help but feel like a total ass at how things turned out. There I was ready to commit suicide or kill Dearest when it finally happened. After seven long years of servitude under that twit I finally fulfilled my dream of working in the city. Who could have known it would turn out to be a situation three times as bad as anything the Circus did to me on it’s worst day. In less than six month my new job brought out in me what it took almost seven years to do at the Circus.
Working at the new job turned me into a misogynist. I didn’t even know what one was a year ago.
Did I do it to myself? Is the world against me? Is this a stepping stone? I still think the lesson that wasn’t learned has to do with me taking control of my own life which has always terrified me. I got this job through a friend. I didn’t work for it. I didn’t do much at all. I don’t consider sitting through two interviews to be work. Disappointment will follow me as long as I let other people dictate my future.
I know the change is possible because I went through major change, by my own will power in a different area of my life. It’s all my life. Even what I see as the shitty aspects. It’s all in my control. I just can’t stop myself from being lazy.
I gave up resolutions last year because I’d gotten too insane with them. A huge list, outlined with sub-topics and addendum. It’s not worth it. I know the things that need to be done. The first is obvious.
One thing that I really dropped the ball on this year was my debt. It had been my goal to pay it off at thirty, and I may very well have added two years to my goal just in the past six months. When you’re charging groceries on your credit card because you don’t have enough cash, then something needs to be corrected.
I’ve waned in my healthy eating as the year has ended. The past month I have just done a horrible job. Hershey bars for breakfast? Granted, exercising in Chicago in the winter can be tough, but that’s no excuse to eat like shit. I need to find my way back on the path I was following before. When I was treating my body right I felt so good all over. It was a great lesson to learn. I was happy with ”me”.
And the future. So many things I realize I want that I couldn’t see before because my goals involved getting drunk and buying things I couldn’t afford. I want a house. A garden. A dog. Internal peace. I want to spend time with my family. I want to learn about history. I want to retain all the information that passes through my brain I lose because of shitty sleep habits and horrendous work hours. I want to be a complete person. Not just the imitation of one on the outside.
I don’t expect my life to suddenly come together in this next year. It might be months before I get off my ass and do something. But, I am starting to get a little too old to whine all the fucking time. It’s boring and it’s been done. I have the choice, and currently I choose to be the victim. I don’t have to crucify myself for it but sooner or later I have to say when enough is enough and act.
New years are all about possibility. And, as soon as I leave this sweltering office and have a few days to my- self this weekend, that will be even clearer to me than it is right now.