Different Sword
Yesterday was the first time in the past 12 years I did not attend the Pride parade. And I have not felt an ounce of regret over the decision. I am off today, not knowing when I scheduled the vacation day that this weekend would have turned out differently. And I may not being doing much yet with the day off, at least I am tired for other reasons besides being pathetically hungover.
Friday I did go out. And as usual, I got grotesquely drunk. Once I start drinking, I just don't want to stop drinking. The escapism, even as I grow more and more nauseous, is like... well, it is like a drug. I got home around 1 AM and was still drunk when I woke up. Driving down to my folks with the intent of changing my oil and working on other truck stuff. But, as I was laying on my back under the truck I was hit with repeated waves of nausea and feared I might vomit. It was, in a word: awful.
I'm not sure if this is a completely new attitude with me or just some phase I am going through. All I know is I feel worse than I've ever felt after all my recent nights out binge drinking and I just can't take it anymore. I even wondered if it has to do with the 25 pounds I lost this year. Could all that fat have helped numb what has become intense pain post-drinking?
Yesterday, I finally did something I've wanted to do all year; go hiking. I woke up around 4:30 and drove down to Bullfrog Lake in the Palos forest preserve just before 6 AM. I was the only person there initially and it was awesome. Though, I learned very quickly a huge mistake I had made. I forgot insect repellent. And I was literally being swarmed by mosquitoes and biting flies. It ruined the whole first leg of my day. But, after making it round the lake and two sloughs I got back to the car, drove to the nearest open Walgreens and remedied the issue.
Then, based on reviewing a few maps on my phone (I still long for the days of printed maps), I drove to the Horsetail Slough preserve around 104th Avenue and McCarthy Road. It was a giant trail system. It had its share of people on it, but I was mostly able to avoid huge crowds like I would endure on the lakefront. And most people were pleasant enough and I did not mind saying good morning to passersbys.
I don't know the exact length of the trail I took. It had to have been at least 4 miles. I did also take a side trail and get lost in the thicket for 20 minutes when the trail seemingly disappeared. It really made me appreciate early explorers and natives alike who somehow knew how to navigate. I couldn't even pull up a map on my cell half the time because there was no signal.
It felt good to be in nature. And not the sort of micro-managed parks in the city where you've got know-it-all upper-middle class folks dictating every plant and tree. In the woods nature just runs wild. I found small bits of joy in seeing so many perennials I know in their natural habitat. Having been limited to the city and the landscaping at my family's places it is rare I see where all these plants come from.
I was physically beat by 10:30 or so. I had thought of taking in a couple more sites but decided to go to the folks instead for food. I am sure my parents think something is wrong with me, as I am there every weekend almost. And also, that I did not attend the parade. Even on Saturday they both seemed to think I was talking bullshit when I said I was going hiking the next day. I just did not feel there was anything there for me at the event.
I may attempt to make a journey up to Devil's Lake in Wisconsin soon. I had been there some 12 years ago and have always wanted to go back. It is a long drive, and I believe their state parks require some kind of permit even to just attend. A factor that delayed me attempting to go yesterday.
I do have to say, concerning those videos I watched last week from those Pennsylvania country boys, that they for whatever reason profoundly affected me. Making me reconsider a lot of things about the state of my current life. An attempt to have a conversation about this Friday with friends was met with the usual scoffing and ignorance. I certainly don't expect many people to understand. I know enough not to seek validation from people about my opinions, but once in a while it would be nice to have an adult conversation about such things.
Have I wasted my life on selfishness? Is it too late for me to change? I have been feeling as of late that I am trapped in this world I've created around me. Comments made Friday even reinforced that idea that I am stuck here, to live this same redundant existence. A life of binge drinking, hangovers and barely getting by. Perhaps just my emotions getting the better of me but I felt at one point that the idea seemed that I needed to be around for everyone else's convenience. It was one of the many things on the growing list of reasons why I had no interest in Sunday's festivities.
Yes, perhaps life would be just as redundant somewhere else, living in some other way. But is that a reason not to consider things.
At the dinner table yesterday, my mother expressed her concerns about me hiking in forest preserves at 6:00 in the morning. Because she was afraid of muggers, murders, gangs... a myriad of ridiculous things. Or if I were to hurt myself and no one was around. So basically, she was terrified of me even leaving the house. This has been her attitude throughout life about everything. And I love my mother dearly but I am so sick of it.
I told her I couldn't make every decision off being afraid. I'm not curing cancer here or climbing Everest but I can't not do anything because of all that could go wrong. I've spent too much time in my life plagued by that attitude.
I don't know what happens next. I'm already "scheduled" for more binge drinking this Friday. Everything I do and every social obligation is always the same thing. I'd much rather escape the city on the weekends while the weather is nice and DO something active. I may wake up sore and tired the next day, but it feels good all the same. Not like the debilitating nausea after I drink.
Friday I did go out. And as usual, I got grotesquely drunk. Once I start drinking, I just don't want to stop drinking. The escapism, even as I grow more and more nauseous, is like... well, it is like a drug. I got home around 1 AM and was still drunk when I woke up. Driving down to my folks with the intent of changing my oil and working on other truck stuff. But, as I was laying on my back under the truck I was hit with repeated waves of nausea and feared I might vomit. It was, in a word: awful.
I'm not sure if this is a completely new attitude with me or just some phase I am going through. All I know is I feel worse than I've ever felt after all my recent nights out binge drinking and I just can't take it anymore. I even wondered if it has to do with the 25 pounds I lost this year. Could all that fat have helped numb what has become intense pain post-drinking?
Yesterday, I finally did something I've wanted to do all year; go hiking. I woke up around 4:30 and drove down to Bullfrog Lake in the Palos forest preserve just before 6 AM. I was the only person there initially and it was awesome. Though, I learned very quickly a huge mistake I had made. I forgot insect repellent. And I was literally being swarmed by mosquitoes and biting flies. It ruined the whole first leg of my day. But, after making it round the lake and two sloughs I got back to the car, drove to the nearest open Walgreens and remedied the issue.
Then, based on reviewing a few maps on my phone (I still long for the days of printed maps), I drove to the Horsetail Slough preserve around 104th Avenue and McCarthy Road. It was a giant trail system. It had its share of people on it, but I was mostly able to avoid huge crowds like I would endure on the lakefront. And most people were pleasant enough and I did not mind saying good morning to passersbys.
I don't know the exact length of the trail I took. It had to have been at least 4 miles. I did also take a side trail and get lost in the thicket for 20 minutes when the trail seemingly disappeared. It really made me appreciate early explorers and natives alike who somehow knew how to navigate. I couldn't even pull up a map on my cell half the time because there was no signal.
It felt good to be in nature. And not the sort of micro-managed parks in the city where you've got know-it-all upper-middle class folks dictating every plant and tree. In the woods nature just runs wild. I found small bits of joy in seeing so many perennials I know in their natural habitat. Having been limited to the city and the landscaping at my family's places it is rare I see where all these plants come from.
I was physically beat by 10:30 or so. I had thought of taking in a couple more sites but decided to go to the folks instead for food. I am sure my parents think something is wrong with me, as I am there every weekend almost. And also, that I did not attend the parade. Even on Saturday they both seemed to think I was talking bullshit when I said I was going hiking the next day. I just did not feel there was anything there for me at the event.
I may attempt to make a journey up to Devil's Lake in Wisconsin soon. I had been there some 12 years ago and have always wanted to go back. It is a long drive, and I believe their state parks require some kind of permit even to just attend. A factor that delayed me attempting to go yesterday.
I do have to say, concerning those videos I watched last week from those Pennsylvania country boys, that they for whatever reason profoundly affected me. Making me reconsider a lot of things about the state of my current life. An attempt to have a conversation about this Friday with friends was met with the usual scoffing and ignorance. I certainly don't expect many people to understand. I know enough not to seek validation from people about my opinions, but once in a while it would be nice to have an adult conversation about such things.
Have I wasted my life on selfishness? Is it too late for me to change? I have been feeling as of late that I am trapped in this world I've created around me. Comments made Friday even reinforced that idea that I am stuck here, to live this same redundant existence. A life of binge drinking, hangovers and barely getting by. Perhaps just my emotions getting the better of me but I felt at one point that the idea seemed that I needed to be around for everyone else's convenience. It was one of the many things on the growing list of reasons why I had no interest in Sunday's festivities.
Yes, perhaps life would be just as redundant somewhere else, living in some other way. But is that a reason not to consider things.
At the dinner table yesterday, my mother expressed her concerns about me hiking in forest preserves at 6:00 in the morning. Because she was afraid of muggers, murders, gangs... a myriad of ridiculous things. Or if I were to hurt myself and no one was around. So basically, she was terrified of me even leaving the house. This has been her attitude throughout life about everything. And I love my mother dearly but I am so sick of it.
I told her I couldn't make every decision off being afraid. I'm not curing cancer here or climbing Everest but I can't not do anything because of all that could go wrong. I've spent too much time in my life plagued by that attitude.
I don't know what happens next. I'm already "scheduled" for more binge drinking this Friday. Everything I do and every social obligation is always the same thing. I'd much rather escape the city on the weekends while the weather is nice and DO something active. I may wake up sore and tired the next day, but it feels good all the same. Not like the debilitating nausea after I drink.