Alone
There came a point one day after months of depression and contempt over a lost relationship that I realized I was holding vigil over something that could no longer exist. In life time passes and one day out of nowhere you realize that something you'd believed in and trusted in that was lost simply is not relevant any longer. Too much time has passed and no amount of longing could recreate that which is gone.
This hit me yesterday concerning my living situation. No matter what I do to try and recreate the life I had before, none of it would work nor matter. That time has passed. The world I knew is gone. A new world must take its place. Either in the form of the angst I carry with me or in some other form after the healing begins. I was owed a mourning period, but my life is not moving forward and I am beginning to tear myself apart mentally aching for the past. It is gone.
On Xmas eve I went back to the old neighborhood. I was supposed to check on my old neighbors cats but my key didn't work. I went to Melrose after to see Addy and watched the world outside, so devoid of life. There are few magical times like this to behold when the masses are nowhere to be seen and the city is actually peaceful and roomy. This was such a night.
I walked about down Broadway and through some neighborhoods on my way back home. I looked into windows and saw decorations and people having parties. Families eating dinner and couples watching television. Whole worlds occurring on each block. I even passed by this guy I had known years ago, a kid really, probably still in his twenties. He was sitting alone in an empty asian restaurant eating dinner. I looked at him briefly not knowing if he recognized who I was. I wondered if he was lonely being by himself on such a night.
I am not one to show loneliness outwardly. I rarely feel the emotion, frankly. But on a night like this I wondered if I am. Am I missing something by not having the elusive "someone". I know I feel the horrible pangs of guilt over not having a family and grandkids for my parents around the holidays. I wondered if I'd be completely alone some day and if I'd be happy like I always expected to be.
Am I never going to be able to leave the city? Am I trapped here because I am afraid of being alone. Am I so caught up in the routine that I cannot separate myself from it and have an identity.
When I was kicked out of my old place I was stripped of my identity. I've spent the past many months feeling lost. More dreams crushed and what am I left with? Who am I now?
I used to spend Xmas eve at my parents with all the cats and dogs eating pizza and watching movies. But, because they have a new dog that seems slightly untrustworthy I couldn't risk bringing the cats down there. So for the first time since 2001 I think, I am alone on Xmas eve.
Alone in this apartment that has no heart. In this building with neighbors who seem to hate me. In a neighborhood that has left me feeling rejected. Where is my place now?
Also it seems with the dark shift of moods my drinking has increased incredibly. I spend days at a time hungover and suffering from binge drinking. I am the loser at the bar, getting twelve rounds a night sometimes, incoherently rambling. The bartender just yesterday made a comment as we ribbed him about not having his first drink till he was 25 (he's now 33). He said "I like my life"...
He didn't mean anything by it as far as I know. But, it hit home anyway as it's obvious to myself and anyone that knows me I most often do not like mine. The things I enjoy are too temporary and the poison of the routine too powerful to escape. I am stuck in this life.
I would not have thought as a kid this is what I would be now. Back then I had no concepts of money or the harsh realities of day to day existence. When the rug can be pulled out from under you at any moment and everything you had is turned on its head.
What am I doing with myself?
This hit me yesterday concerning my living situation. No matter what I do to try and recreate the life I had before, none of it would work nor matter. That time has passed. The world I knew is gone. A new world must take its place. Either in the form of the angst I carry with me or in some other form after the healing begins. I was owed a mourning period, but my life is not moving forward and I am beginning to tear myself apart mentally aching for the past. It is gone.
On Xmas eve I went back to the old neighborhood. I was supposed to check on my old neighbors cats but my key didn't work. I went to Melrose after to see Addy and watched the world outside, so devoid of life. There are few magical times like this to behold when the masses are nowhere to be seen and the city is actually peaceful and roomy. This was such a night.
I walked about down Broadway and through some neighborhoods on my way back home. I looked into windows and saw decorations and people having parties. Families eating dinner and couples watching television. Whole worlds occurring on each block. I even passed by this guy I had known years ago, a kid really, probably still in his twenties. He was sitting alone in an empty asian restaurant eating dinner. I looked at him briefly not knowing if he recognized who I was. I wondered if he was lonely being by himself on such a night.
I am not one to show loneliness outwardly. I rarely feel the emotion, frankly. But on a night like this I wondered if I am. Am I missing something by not having the elusive "someone". I know I feel the horrible pangs of guilt over not having a family and grandkids for my parents around the holidays. I wondered if I'd be completely alone some day and if I'd be happy like I always expected to be.
Am I never going to be able to leave the city? Am I trapped here because I am afraid of being alone. Am I so caught up in the routine that I cannot separate myself from it and have an identity.
When I was kicked out of my old place I was stripped of my identity. I've spent the past many months feeling lost. More dreams crushed and what am I left with? Who am I now?
I used to spend Xmas eve at my parents with all the cats and dogs eating pizza and watching movies. But, because they have a new dog that seems slightly untrustworthy I couldn't risk bringing the cats down there. So for the first time since 2001 I think, I am alone on Xmas eve.
Alone in this apartment that has no heart. In this building with neighbors who seem to hate me. In a neighborhood that has left me feeling rejected. Where is my place now?
Also it seems with the dark shift of moods my drinking has increased incredibly. I spend days at a time hungover and suffering from binge drinking. I am the loser at the bar, getting twelve rounds a night sometimes, incoherently rambling. The bartender just yesterday made a comment as we ribbed him about not having his first drink till he was 25 (he's now 33). He said "I like my life"...
He didn't mean anything by it as far as I know. But, it hit home anyway as it's obvious to myself and anyone that knows me I most often do not like mine. The things I enjoy are too temporary and the poison of the routine too powerful to escape. I am stuck in this life.
I would not have thought as a kid this is what I would be now. Back then I had no concepts of money or the harsh realities of day to day existence. When the rug can be pulled out from under you at any moment and everything you had is turned on its head.
What am I doing with myself?