(no subject)
I have been totally a heartsick zombie lately. My work eliminated my position effective tomorrow. Not performance related, just corporate cost cutting. They told me this would happen 3 days before I was to leave for vacation. So I did not go as I am terrified of not being able to pay the mortgage. I was trying to hang. I thought if I just made it through the holidays I would be ok.
However, what actually happened was, I became a stressed out zombie, obsessed with applying for jobs. I think I applied to like 70, or something. As of this past weekend I could not sleep, could not eat, could barely blink and even breathing is hard. My boyfriend has never even seen me a little low, so he was totally freaked out. I tried to pull it together a bit, but he can see when my smiles are fake and knows when I am not sleeping. I have PTSD and I forget from time to time how hard it hits. Almost never in the big picture, but...well...when it hits it is kind of hell. However some how I have been pulling off interviews in the midst of turmiol. I CAN perform under pressure.
I totally bit it on my first phone interview. It was horrible I talked to fast and stuttered. The more the manager talked about the job, the more it was my dream IT position, and I choked on my own tongue and it was fucking humbling. I did learn to ask more questions and not be a nervous wreck. Then I stayed a worse nervous wreck as I started to doubt myself. Honestly, I am still beating myself up on that one. Why can I not let things like that go and just chalk it up to a valuable learning experience.
More phone interviews and I started to get better. I even scored two in person interviews. Both of which offered me jobs today. One is 6 days a week with no vacation for a year. So um... no. The other is doable and would be a challange and I like the people. The money is not where I want it to be but it is probably livable. Also, I have more interviews on Monday. So I can breathe again.
Still it is odd to leave my place of work for 12 years. Tomorrow is my LAST DAY. I will be escorted out. Weird. People keep coming to my cube and hugging me. It is touching but I fear I am going to just start openly weeping. I am trying to not panic and chill and enjoy each day as it comes. I am trying to learn faith, as I just recently realized I totally need to work on that. That has been my focus and it is worth while.
Anyway, my friends. I have deep love and respect for you. I hope your year is full of magic and promise and I am realizing that I should expect the same. Be happy and well.
However, what actually happened was, I became a stressed out zombie, obsessed with applying for jobs. I think I applied to like 70, or something. As of this past weekend I could not sleep, could not eat, could barely blink and even breathing is hard. My boyfriend has never even seen me a little low, so he was totally freaked out. I tried to pull it together a bit, but he can see when my smiles are fake and knows when I am not sleeping. I have PTSD and I forget from time to time how hard it hits. Almost never in the big picture, but...well...when it hits it is kind of hell. However some how I have been pulling off interviews in the midst of turmiol. I CAN perform under pressure.
I totally bit it on my first phone interview. It was horrible I talked to fast and stuttered. The more the manager talked about the job, the more it was my dream IT position, and I choked on my own tongue and it was fucking humbling. I did learn to ask more questions and not be a nervous wreck. Then I stayed a worse nervous wreck as I started to doubt myself. Honestly, I am still beating myself up on that one. Why can I not let things like that go and just chalk it up to a valuable learning experience.
More phone interviews and I started to get better. I even scored two in person interviews. Both of which offered me jobs today. One is 6 days a week with no vacation for a year. So um... no. The other is doable and would be a challange and I like the people. The money is not where I want it to be but it is probably livable. Also, I have more interviews on Monday. So I can breathe again.
Still it is odd to leave my place of work for 12 years. Tomorrow is my LAST DAY. I will be escorted out. Weird. People keep coming to my cube and hugging me. It is touching but I fear I am going to just start openly weeping. I am trying to not panic and chill and enjoy each day as it comes. I am trying to learn faith, as I just recently realized I totally need to work on that. That has been my focus and it is worth while.
Anyway, my friends. I have deep love and respect for you. I hope your year is full of magic and promise and I am realizing that I should expect the same. Be happy and well.